Tags
air travel, Amtrak, Bee Gees, dope, grass, hemp, marijuana, Mark David Chapman, masturbation, only losers take the bus, pot, reefer, self-abuse, sweet sweet cheeba, the Beatles, Travels With Tardsie, weed
By Tardsie
Tardsie’s Collected A Few Stories In His Time.
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The Bad Touch
I have a friend who maintains–and as ridiculous as this claim may sound, if you knew the guy, you’d understand why I believe it–that he’s tried masturbation only once. He says he didn’t like it.
I told him he was doing it wrong.
It’s So Easy To Do–We’re Doing It Right Now!
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Mark David Chapman–We Need You Now!
When I was a kid I had a copy of the Bee Gees’ Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, which I mistakenly believed was the Bee Gees’ original work. One day, while listening to the album and making fun of it, my friend’s mom burst into the room and said, “That’s BEATLES music!” She looked at me with an expression of stone-cold horror and said, “One day you’ll be sorry you made fun of the Beatles!” For a while I was weirded-out by that, waiting for the regret-shoe to drop.
I’m still not sorry, Mrs. Martinez, but I hope you’re well.
If Anything, Tardsie Should Get Points For Mocking This Musical Abortion.
***
Only Losers Ride The Bus
When I can, I prefer to travel by train. Air travel is unpleasant enough, thanks to my fear of flying (I don’t fear terrorists; I fear that the massive metal tube in which I am travelling will, like Wile E. Coyote after he has dashed off the side of a cliff, suddenly realize that it has heretofore been denying a fundamental principle of physics and plummet abruptly earthward, accompanied all the while by the soundtrack of my girlish screams) and the myriad inconveniences attendant with the ‘airline experience.’
Much Like The Storied Honey Badger, Amtrak Doesn’t Give A Shit.
Amtrak personnel–if you’ll pardon a rare excursion into vulgarity–don’t give two shits. With one notable exception, they don’t care what you do as long as you’re not so blatant about it that you force their hand. The one rule I’ve seen Amtrak enforce–with a vengeance–is a prohibition against smoking tobacco. Get caught smoking and they will throw your ass off at the next stop. No foolin.’ As I don’t smoke cigarettes, I can enjoy the refreshingly anachronistic freedom the train offers.
A great example of this is from a recent trip I took. For privacy reasons, I make it a point to ask the attendant not to make up my room, usually with the explanation that I work late into the evening (which is true). However, at one point, I hadn’t realized that a new attendant had come on duty, and while I was at dinner, he made up my room. I was chagrined when I arrived back at my room to find several items I would very much NOT like discovered stacked neatly beside the freshly made bed. Nothing more was ever said, however, and of course the attendant got a nice tip.
I’ve always maintained that train travel is for degenerate stoners and the elderly. I’ll let you know right now, folks–I’m not that old.
God, We Love The Train.
***
Sometimes Tardsie Wants To Punch Himself In The Face
I walked into work one day and saw that one of my coworkers, a girl named Kelly, was dressed to the nines.
“Hey, Kelly,” I said, “You look great! Who died?”
“My grandma,” she said.
***
What Not To Say To A Cop
I lived in Washington State for a while, where having California license plates is considered a capital crime. So one day this cop in Mt. Lake Terrace pulls me over for speeding and starts giving me shit about being from California, “We have speed limits here, son!”
Apparently the little fellow was irritated when I broke eye contact with him to look for my insurance paperwork. He said, “If you don’t want to listen, I can just give you the ticket right now.”
A little pissed myself, I said, “I’m listening, dude, I’m just looking for my paperwork.”
“Hey!” He said, “Don’t call me that. I’m not a dude, all right?”
If I’d had another second to think about it, I would have chosen a different path. Instead, I said, “I’m sorry, ma’am–you looked so masculine.”
He didn’t care for that one bit.
This Guy Was Holding $15 Worth Of Pot. Not In Lewis County, Washington.
Promethean Times 
He’s definitely doing it wrong. When I was in high school, urban legend had it that one of the guys ended up in the ER for mistaking icy-hot for tube lube. I’m (also) not a dude, but I can deduce that slathering icy-hot on the sausage might make the hand-party go seriously wrong.
Usually, on the very few times I’ve ever had to deal with law enforcement, “Yes, sir, Officer” works just fine. Unless, of course, the officer is a chick. Then nothing you say will smooth anything over, because female cops are ruthless.
I think I will have to try the train (though the nearest AMTRAK station to me is in Cincinnati, for some strange reason) on my next excursion. I’ve always wanted to go on a train trip. A train trip through the mountains might be fun.
I’ve gotten out of speeding tickets under the guise of pregnancy and later lactation. Which really speaks to the cops’ altruistic natures, because it obviously wasn’t my irresistable sexiness.
As for what was in your train car? It’s probably best we don’t know…
Nothing that wouldn’t be legal in the Great State of California!
And that’s so weird–I’ve beat a ticket by lactating as well. You should have seen the cop’s face!
Was it a look of shock, admiration, or arousal?…
I dread to think why he didn’t like it.
I didn’t even know that the Bee Gees did Sgt Pepper (or a version of). I would have made fun of that as well.
I learned long ago, don’t ask a person who’s dressed up where they’ve been – the answer is either a job interview or a funeral.
I have however, gone to job interviews in the morning, then work, and if anyone asked, told them I was at a funeral.
The comment to your co-worker – uh-oh – but too funny…(I’ve wanted to punch myself in the face a few times before) and I agree with elysian – female cops are by far the worse!
I had no idea the Bee-Gee’s did that shit. Don’t mess with perfection.
Agreed. I do remember that there were some decent tracks–Peter Frampton singing “With a Little Help From My Friends,” Aerosmith performing “Come Together,” and a bizarre but entertaining turn by Steve Martin as Maxwell Edison from “Maxwell’s Silver Hammer.” Earth, Wind & Fire is in it too, as I recall.