Amelia Earhart, Atlanta Braves, Aurora Massacre, Big Pharma, Camaroon, China, cocaine, dope, drunken Irishmen, Facebook, free speech, gay people, Germany, grass, Handi Wipes, headlines, hemp, hippies, hookers, marijuana, places that suck, pot, reefer, Sikh Massacre, slavery, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Son of Sam, stoners, sweet sweet cheeba, weed, Why am I so fat?
In which we opine on the day’s headlines without first reading the stories.
Amelia Earhart: Better feminist than pilot? ~ Let’s fucking hope so!
Study: Rich, poor Americans increasingly likely to live in separate neighborhoods ~ Because in times of old, the industrialist robber barons preferred to slum it among the great unwashed.
A Facebook ‘Like’ Is Free Speech ~ At its most cowardly and least significant.
Olympic female badminton players face charges ~ You just don’t see this kind of thing happening with the goodminton players.
‘Son of Sam’ Killer: Aurora, Sikh Massacres ‘Senseless’ ~ But if, for example, a dude killed couples who were making out in cars ’cause a talking dog told him to do it, that would make a lot more sense.
Alzheimer’s drug research halted ~ “To be fair, we didn’t halt it precisely, but rather we…ah…we…Are you my grandson?”
‘I don’t want my friends to die on my birthday’ ~ Same here. We’re holding out for Christmas.
Think You’re Gay? It Shows in Your Eyes ~ Ha!–You’ve got the Queer Eye.
7 Cameroon athletes missing from Olympic village ~ “Hey! The flight back to our jerkwater African Republic leaves in an hour! You guys will be so pissed if you miss it!”
Researchers doubt positive aspects of medical marijuana ~ And by ‘researchers’, we mean Justice Department fart-catchers and their Big Pharma masters.
US Presidential Election Takes Negative Turn ~ Verily. It is our most fervent hope that the scurrilous example set by both the Adams and Jefferson campaigns shall not be repeated in 1800’s presidential contest.
Are Team USA’s $500 Leotards Worth It? ~ Well now, that depends–have you guys already laundered them or are they still stinky? And do you accept PayPal?
Autopsy inconclusive for Obama staffer remembered as dedicated to campaign ~ He found out too late that the Kool-Aid comes at a pretty high price.
His other car is on Mars ~ Oh, he’s lying to you, honey. He ain’t got no other car.
Octopus hitches ride on dolphin’s genitals ~ Hey, we’ve got an idea: who wants to go fishing?
What it feels like to be attacked by a great white shark ~ Obviously, each experience is unique and subject to myriad factors which can influence the outcome. However, agony and intense terror usually figure in there somewhere.
Irishman gives expert Olympic sailing commentary ~ “Ah fookin’ telt ye ah know fook all abaht boots, but ye can’t fookin’ oonerstan me, can ye, ye wee daft fookers?”
Exercise termed ‘Wonder Drug’ ~ Trickery is the only way to get fatties to try it.
21 Burned in Walk Over Hot Coals at Robbins Event ~ We have a modicum of sympathy for the first couple fire-walkers, but if you’re idiot #21, who’s just been asked to please step aside so the paramedics can get through, why not “go big” and just walk across the coals on your face?
Braves give Smoltz team’s highest honor ~ The Tomahawk Chop!
Tavis Smiley: Poverty is the new slavery ~ So, did they not have poverty back in olden times? Otherwise, poverty is still poverty, and you’ll have to look a little harder to find the new slavery.
Why Certain Countries Dominate the Games ~ Because certain countries are naturally more awesome than others. That, and China cheats.
‘Mentally disabled’ man executed in Texas ~ Beginning writers often muddy their prose with extraneous words. Incisive, elegant writing means eschewing redundancies. This sentence should read “Texan executed.”
Live Alone? You’re Not Alone ~ But really you are. Very much alone.
Picking up more than a hooker ~ Well, sure–you can’t forget cocaine & Handi Wipes.
El Guapo said:
Smaktakula: Singlehandedly giving the print media a reason to continue existing.
Madame Weebles said:
You talk real truth, Guap.
El Guapo said:
Sometimes I check the actual articles referenced, just to see how far off Smak is.
Often, it’s not very far at all.
On those rare occasions when I later go back to read the actual story, I’m often a little saddened by that very fact. There’s been a couple times where the article will make me say “Oh, she really DID die,” or “Oh, this thing I made a breezy joke about is really a heartbreaking story.”
Thanks, Handsome One! I try to do a little good wherever I go!
Madame Weebles said:
Every once in a while I’ll read a headline and try to come up with Smak-style commentary. But I got nothing.
Well, in fairness, it takes practice. And the crazy brain.
Aw, come on. Say it isn’t so, that our German friends might possibly be insensitive to people of non-white origins? Maybe it’s because they’re car snobs! Pretty much only whites and Asians drive VW, Audi, Mercedes, BMW and Porsche cars. I think the Germans might like non-white people a lot better if they showed our Kraut compadres a little love by buying some of their tasty rides. 🙂
Germans might like non-white people a lot better if they showed our Kraut compadres a little love by buying some of their tasty rides
The musician Seal did his part, but she divorced him.
Damn. I’m good. I couldn’t have performed this feat without your awesome setup, however.
Yeah, as if you didn’t see that one coming. 🙂
Hey Homegirl, I gave you credit. Daaaaaaaaammn…
Carrie Rubin said:
Brilliant. Again. I can’t even pick a favorite, though the Amelia Earhart and the exercise ones come close. I actually had to click open the “Octopus hitches ride on dolphin’s genitals” one to see if it really was a news article. And it was. Talk about a “catchy” title.
Just think, if this post didn’t have cuss words in it and wasn’t politically incorrect, you might actually get Freshly Pressed. Then again, if that were the case, there probably wouldn’t be a post…
Thanks! Amelia was a favorite of mine, too. I don’t always start with a “strong one” on these things, I start with the headline that wants to go first. It’s always nice when the eager beaver is a strong one.
I don’t think it’s my salty language which will forever keep me from that cohort of elite bloggers that comprises the Freshly Pressed, but you’re right about the political correctness. Word Press can’t allow itself to serve as a forum for hate.
In fact, if memory serves, this is only the second time “Freshly Pressed” has ever been mentioned on this site. The other instance was in the comments of my “Fuck WordPress” piece, “Apparently I Am A Spammer.” Seriously, I worry every time I put out a Headlines piece that I’m gonna get blocked for spam.
I had the advantage of having seen the photo of the dolphin and his pleasure-pus days before I saw the headline, which is rare.
Carrie Rubin said:
Ha ha!! Yeah, I don’t think that WordPress title you used will bring those WP editors around your site anytime soon. But everybody digs a rebel. 🙂
My initial reply to you got wiped out, so what I had written in that last response was a hasty re-write. One thing I had noted is that I believe I first found your site through Freshly-Pressed, which I do troll on infrequent occasions in the (usually vain) hope of finding a blog I’ll like. I may have run across you a different way, but it seems to me that’s about the time I started reading. I wait for something to get popular before deciding if I like it.
Every since your response earlier today, I’ve been thinking about how it would be fun to TRY to write a Freshly-Pressed thing. If you see a title like “Sometimes I Just Feel Blue” or “10 Things I Wish My Mailman Would Do” (with no swears or anything really funny) you’ll know I’ve made the attempt.
Carrie Rubin said:
Okay. I’ll be on the lookout for it. You might also want to try: “101 Recipes for a Rainy Day” or “Why My Cat is My Best Friend.” Be sure to include some cute kitten pics in that last one.
An awesome idea, but my cats are the most useless creatures in creation. One at least kills gophers. The other purrs incessantly and is such a needy-Evie that I want to make a rug out of her.
Still, maybe I can pretend.
“101 Recipes for a Rainy Day” is awesome. If I really want to sell my soul I’ll do something about Arts & Crafts, a personal Kryptonite.
Carrie Rubin said:
I would have never guessed you as the cat type. Guess it’s always good to be surprised. Hopefully, your needy cat won’t end up as part of the Arts & Craft post.
Hopefully, your needy cat won’t end up as part of the Arts & Craft post.
MY GOD! You are a fount of brilliant ideas.
Reblogged this on A Spoonful of Suga.
Thanks, Mr. Mary MFP!
Two of these were my favourites. 1) The Amelia Earhart one is beyond stupid (the headline itself) 2) Think you’re gay, it shows in your eyes – probably when they are checking out the ass of someone of the same sex? The article will never live up to the headline.
Thanks, Elliot! Yeah, I didn’t bother to read the gay eyes thing. It’s either bullshit or it’s obvious (as in, if you’re gay your pupils would respond to an arousing image of a same-sex person, much as a heterosexual’s pupil would respond to a similar opposite-sex image).
I’m sure the Earhart one is meant to be a flattering piece, but it’s as if they didn’t think about the obvious irony in the headline. I mean, the woman was CLEARLY a very good pilot, but she’s remembered for that last flight.
William Miller said:
Well, my friend, you’ve outdone yourself again. My favorite one was about the execution in Texas. Only you could turn that into something hilarious.
Thanks Bill, sometimes these things are so horrid you just have to laugh at them. I’m not for putting a guy to death who KNOWS what he’s done, let alone a dude who’s mentally handicapped.
Speaking of things which are horrid, how goes the move? All done, I hope!
William Miller said:
The move is pretty much over, except for the 437 boxes yet to be unpacked. Luckily, 92% of that shit is kids toys, so I could just bring it on over to Goodwill and call it a day.
Thanks for asking!
“Think You’re Gay? It Shows In Your Eyes.”
Yes, inside everybody’s eyes is a tiny man wearing a feather boa and complimenting your shoes.
Gay stereotypes for the win!
Smak, you are hilarious and I’m seriously afraid to click on the headlines. But you do what you do with so much panache and flair that I’m laughing without having to click on them. You rock. I love your take on things and despite your sarcastic sh*t, I get you and know that you think before you post. You’re awesome. And yes, I know awesome is overused, but still, you are.
Oh for F’s sake, the anonymous comment was mine. I have to remember on YOUR blog I have to hit that little blue wordpress thing before commenting.
Well, like I say, our typical anonymous comments aren’t so sweet. You’re easy to spot. Thanks, Brigitte!
I clicked the ones on sports, and the marijuana.
Why not goodminton? Isn’t a less nasty version of badminton needed? It would have to be at least as exciting as curilng.
I’ve got some sympathy for curlers. I want to be one of the brushmen who run in front of the stone sweeping the ice. Who doesn’t want to be a professional athlete? I’ll bet those guys get mad tail!
Reblogged this on "You Jivin' Me, Turkey?" and commented:
HAHAHA! A Perfect Way To Start A Friday!! Gotta Love’em!!!
Thanks, Brad! I was thinking of you when I wrote the Adams-Jefferson headline…
Smak, I Haven’t Giggled Like This Since I Was A Little Girl! hehehe
Carrie’s right – you are a REBEL…that is a good way to try to explain your delightful twistedness…and this post was ‘fookin funny!’
Brilliant. Goddam you.
You are too kind! (sadly, passive-aggression is the only kindness we’ve ever been shown).