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Tag Archives: Bob Saget

The Prodigal Grandchild

13 Friday Apr 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Bob Saget, Grandma, Lottery tickets, malt liquor, playing the lottery as an investment, ungrateful children

By Smaktakula

Hey, These Things Aren't Free.

We understand. Your lust for easy credit, malt liquor and Scratch ‘Em tickets has left you and your family in a not-inconsiderable financial bind. Naturally, your first inclination is to recoup the money by selling some of your property. However, what do you do when your home is on its third of fourth mortgage, your car is worthless and no one else seems to see the value in your Many Faces of Bob Saget collectors plates?

We Wouldn't Sell You If We Could.

Why, sell Grandma’s place of course! The place is too big for her now, and anyway, when you were a kid, she said something about maybe leaving you part of the house someday, so you’re just being financially prudent by realizing your investment before the housing market takes a further tumble. Grandma will no doubt enjoy being able to tell all the other inmates in her new, state-funded institution how her darling grandchild is a financial whiz. Everybody wins!

When We Moved Grandma Into Shady Acres, We Told Her We Were Going To The Circus. Grandma Got A Big Kick Out Of That.

TV Still Safe For Morons

24 Thursday Mar 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

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Tags

America's Funniest Home Videos, As the World Turns, Baguette wasn't our first choice, Benny Hill, Bob Saget, India, Jeopardy!, Louie Anderson, morons, mouth-breathing halfwits, soap operas, television, the vast wasteland, TV makes you stupid, Two and a Half Men

By Smaktakula

Mouth-Breathing Ignoramuses Worldwide Ask, "Why There Not More TV Shows For I?"

It’s no secret that television gets a bad rap.  Labelled ‘A Vast Wasteland’ within years of its invention, TV hasn’t been given much of a chance.  And much like a person awoken from sleep by a phone call, people will go to ridiculous lengths to refuse to admit that they watch TV.

"If Maybelle Don't Get To Watch Her Stories, She Starts Thinkin' 'Bout Things. I Need That Like I Need Another Hole In My Head."

Most of these people are lying.  The ever-expanding menu of specialized channels, internet-to-television streaming along with piles upon piles of data suggest that people are watching the small screen more than ever.  As counterintuitive as it might seem, the device often referred to as the “idiot box” may actually be helping to improve lives around the globe.

Proving Every Day That The Really Talented Fat Comedians Die Young.

A tremendous variety of educational programming is available for viewers, plus scads of infotainment shows on cooking, wildlife, home decor, ghostbusting and the like.  Thanks to shows like Sesame Street, television helps to prepare youngsters for school.  Perhaps most surprising are studies from India which show a correlation between the availability of cable television and an increase in the living standard of women.

So if TV isn’t the mindless entertainment we’ve always believed it to be, what does this mean for the world’s slackjawed halfwits, who see the demise of Two and a half Men as the end of an era, drowning their fears with a glut of Benny Hill reruns?  Have no fear, television has not forgotten its sub-moronic roots: for the discriminating lackwit, there are a plethora of shitty shows like Deal or No Deal and the odious America’s Funniest Home Videos.

We'd Think A Guy With Two Of The All-Time Shittiest TV Shows Under His Belt AND Whose Name Rhymes With . . .'Baguette' . . . Would Be A Little Funnier.

Let’s take a moment to thank these uncreative men and women who bring us intellectually challenged programing.  With everyone pandering to America’s elite, it’s nice to see someone’s still looking out for the drooling moron who can’t get off the couch.

Thanks To The Dumbing Down Of America, Foreigners Aren't Just Taking Our Jobs--They're Also Taking Our Spot On Jeopardy!

Things We Think About: Pictures

17 Monday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

a photograph is worth a thousand words, a picture is worth a thousand words, America's Funniest Home Videos, aphorisms, art, beautiful people, Bob Saget, casaba melons, Cat On A Leash, cliche, Full House, grammar, has-beens, images, maxims, Mike Tyson, mulletards, mullets, photobombs, photography, pictures, righteous mullet, shitty TV shows, syntactic singularities, syntax, Tardsie, Tardsie The Backpack, Things we think about, Travels With Tardsie, TV, ugly people, unfunny comedians, words

By Smaktakula

We're Pretty Sure You Could Squeeze A Few More Words Out Of This Beauty.

Few aphorisms are as ubiquitous–or contain as much self-evident truth–as  ‘A picture is worth a thousand words,‘ the notion that the camera’s eye catches such a visual abundance that it would take 1,000 words to describe it with any kind of justice.  This time-honored simile has not only survived since its introduction to common speech, but flourished thanks to its apt and easy-to-understand imagery.  The maxim is so well-known that it would not be at all surprising to hear it mouthed by a precocious six-year-old.

Thanks To The Casaba Queen, These Newlyweds Are Relegated Fewer Words In This Photo Than You'll Find In The Sentence "I Do."

But for as much use as it has seen since its probable introduction as a bit of ad copy in the early 20th Century, philosophers have yet to mount a critical study of the proverb’s underlying tenets.  Such an examination can yield heretofore unexpected insights into the nature of the image itself.

What A Tragic Waste. Those Lovely Young Ladies Deserved Their 333 And A Third.

The truth in this saying becomes evident after a limited examination of just one of the many propositions it puts forth.  Given that any single photograph is worth no more and no less than 1,000 words, how are we then to apportion dedicated words to the individual images contained within the photograph?

This Righteous Mullet Acts As A Syntactic Singularity, Sucking Sentences From Everything In Its Presence.

It would be hard to dispute, for example, that the Colosseum of Rome as depicted in a photograph might on its own merits command 1,000 words, so majestic and replete with history is the ancient structure.  That example is easy enough to follow, but lulls the viewer into the erroneous assumption that an image’s word value is a constant.  It is not.

Imagine then the same image of the Colosseum, but now with a huge Weimaraner lustily humping a French poodle in the foreground of the shot.  Wouldn’t the descriptive words necessitated by the inclusion of this comical scene into the otherwise-stolid tableau syphon syntax intended for the Colosseum?

Together The Kids Are Worth About 25 Words.

Unquestionably, the answer is yes: the 1,000 words alloted to a picture must be divided among the image’s component parts, such as in the previous example.  However, in the aforementioned instance we posited two subjects–a historical marvel and copulating canines–of equal interest to the average viewer.  But when we pair items of unequal appeal–say for example the Colosseum of Rome and a 1999 Buick LeSabre, or the randy dogs and Bob Saget, host of America’s Funniest Home Videos–it quickly becomes evident that all images are not created equal.

We Doubt There's A Person Alive Who Wouldn't Sacrifice Words Just To Be In This Photo.

Given that the various images captured within a photograph, digital recording device or artwork are not equally deserving of the object’s finite word supply–certainly the copulating dogs in the previous example rate higher than the irritating Full House has-been–the truth which reveals itself through this insight is as old as the image itself.  If images within a photograph are inherently unequal, then some are simply more important than others.

Try As He Might, Tardsie Can't Hope To Compete With Cat-On-A-Leash.

What does this all mean for you?  The implications are myriad, and at the very least will increase your awareness of the many factors comprising a good–that is, asthetically pleasing–photo.  Accordingly, you now will endeavor to pose for pictures with people less attractive and interesting than yourself, and if an enormous black drag queen dressed up like Brittney Spears circa 2001 wanders into the shot while you’re posing for a picture, you’ll be sure to let that thing of beauty speak for itself by getting your ass out of the shot.

Plain Girls--The Strategy Of Posing With A Less-Attractive Friend Can Be Taken Too Far.

Further Examples Of The Phenomenon:

In A Way, This Is Actually Fairer. The Chick On Our Left Would Only Have Taken Words From The More-Deserving Girls.

This Asswipe Successfully Executes The Very Difficult '1000 Word Steal.'

No Loss Here. We Can All Agree That The Cute Little Critter Deserves The Words.

The Poodle Doesn't Stand A Chance.

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