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Tag Archives: Tardsie

Tardsie: Return To Sender

30 Friday Mar 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

Austin Powers, clowns, Elvis Aaron Presley, Italy, OxyContin, Patriot Act, Rome, Tardsie, Travels With Tardsie, Washington DC

By Smaktakula

Tardsie, Where The Hell Are You?

 Oh, happy day!–we’ve just received word from the Shelby County Sheriff’s Department that our beloved Editor-In-Chief, Tardsie D. Bagg, has been found alive–and for the most part well–in Memphis, Tennessee. During our brief and acrimonious phone conversation with the nylon adventurer, Tarsdie explained in greater detail how he was found lying on the grave of Elvis Presley, turned inside-out and smeared with a honey-like substance.

Some Folks Perform The Haj, But Tardsie Goes To Graceland.

Tardsie’s recollection of the days following his last known appearance in Aberdeen, South Dakota, is understandably dim. Disturbingly, Tardsie insists that for the last two or three days, he’s been hiding in the attic of Graceland, playing Connect Four with an aging Elvis while the two of them gorged themselves silly on peanut-butter & OxyContin sandwiches.

This Photo Was Taken Just Moments Before The Grisly Orgy Of Blood And Greasepaint That Left Mr. Chuckles Clinging To Life.

As temporally improbable as such a claim is, you must admit, it sounds like something those two would do.

Thanks To Certain Provisions In The Patriot Act, This Is As Close To The White House As Tarsie Is Allowed To Get.

Tardsie Knows Lots Of Famous People. Elvis Is Just The Coolest.

A Wench Of Easy Virtue On Your Arm, And A Belly Full Of Pills And Mayonnaise. Does It Get Any Better Than This?

Things We Think About: Pictures

17 Monday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

a photograph is worth a thousand words, a picture is worth a thousand words, America's Funniest Home Videos, aphorisms, art, beautiful people, Bob Saget, casaba melons, Cat On A Leash, cliche, Full House, grammar, has-beens, images, maxims, Mike Tyson, mulletards, mullets, photobombs, photography, pictures, righteous mullet, shitty TV shows, syntactic singularities, syntax, Tardsie, Tardsie The Backpack, Things we think about, Travels With Tardsie, TV, ugly people, unfunny comedians, words

By Smaktakula

We're Pretty Sure You Could Squeeze A Few More Words Out Of This Beauty.

Few aphorisms are as ubiquitous–or contain as much self-evident truth–as  ‘A picture is worth a thousand words,‘ the notion that the camera’s eye catches such a visual abundance that it would take 1,000 words to describe it with any kind of justice.  This time-honored simile has not only survived since its introduction to common speech, but flourished thanks to its apt and easy-to-understand imagery.  The maxim is so well-known that it would not be at all surprising to hear it mouthed by a precocious six-year-old.

Thanks To The Casaba Queen, These Newlyweds Are Relegated Fewer Words In This Photo Than You'll Find In The Sentence "I Do."

But for as much use as it has seen since its probable introduction as a bit of ad copy in the early 20th Century, philosophers have yet to mount a critical study of the proverb’s underlying tenets.  Such an examination can yield heretofore unexpected insights into the nature of the image itself.

What A Tragic Waste. Those Lovely Young Ladies Deserved Their 333 And A Third.

The truth in this saying becomes evident after a limited examination of just one of the many propositions it puts forth.  Given that any single photograph is worth no more and no less than 1,000 words, how are we then to apportion dedicated words to the individual images contained within the photograph?

This Righteous Mullet Acts As A Syntactic Singularity, Sucking Sentences From Everything In Its Presence.

It would be hard to dispute, for example, that the Colosseum of Rome as depicted in a photograph might on its own merits command 1,000 words, so majestic and replete with history is the ancient structure.  That example is easy enough to follow, but lulls the viewer into the erroneous assumption that an image’s word value is a constant.  It is not.

Imagine then the same image of the Colosseum, but now with a huge Weimaraner lustily humping a French poodle in the foreground of the shot.  Wouldn’t the descriptive words necessitated by the inclusion of this comical scene into the otherwise-stolid tableau syphon syntax intended for the Colosseum?

Together The Kids Are Worth About 25 Words.

Unquestionably, the answer is yes: the 1,000 words alloted to a picture must be divided among the image’s component parts, such as in the previous example.  However, in the aforementioned instance we posited two subjects–a historical marvel and copulating canines–of equal interest to the average viewer.  But when we pair items of unequal appeal–say for example the Colosseum of Rome and a 1999 Buick LeSabre, or the randy dogs and Bob Saget, host of America’s Funniest Home Videos–it quickly becomes evident that all images are not created equal.

We Doubt There's A Person Alive Who Wouldn't Sacrifice Words Just To Be In This Photo.

Given that the various images captured within a photograph, digital recording device or artwork are not equally deserving of the object’s finite word supply–certainly the copulating dogs in the previous example rate higher than the irritating Full House has-been–the truth which reveals itself through this insight is as old as the image itself.  If images within a photograph are inherently unequal, then some are simply more important than others.

Try As He Might, Tardsie Can't Hope To Compete With Cat-On-A-Leash.

What does this all mean for you?  The implications are myriad, and at the very least will increase your awareness of the many factors comprising a good–that is, asthetically pleasing–photo.  Accordingly, you now will endeavor to pose for pictures with people less attractive and interesting than yourself, and if an enormous black drag queen dressed up like Brittney Spears circa 2001 wanders into the shot while you’re posing for a picture, you’ll be sure to let that thing of beauty speak for itself by getting your ass out of the shot.

Plain Girls--The Strategy Of Posing With A Less-Attractive Friend Can Be Taken Too Far.

Further Examples Of The Phenomenon:

In A Way, This Is Actually Fairer. The Chick On Our Left Would Only Have Taken Words From The More-Deserving Girls.

This Asswipe Successfully Executes The Very Difficult '1000 Word Steal.'

No Loss Here. We Can All Agree That The Cute Little Critter Deserves The Words.

The Poodle Doesn't Stand A Chance.

Meet Tardsie!

30 Tuesday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Arturo the Copy Editor, Chicago, cliche, condoms, Coors, Coors is horse piss, Dublin, Ireland, Jamba Juice, James Joyce, Las Vegas, Mike Meyers, Pope Benedict XVI, rent boys, Rome, Saigon, Silvio Berlusconi, So Beats The Nylon Heart, Special Olympics, Tardsie, Tardsie The Backpack, Tardsie's lifelong hatred of the Irish, The Untouchables, travel reporting, Travels With Tardsie, Union Station, Vatican, Vietnam, Washington DC

By Smaktakula

Tardsie Has Long Been An Advocate For The Less Fortunate.

Much of the hard work which makes Promethean Times such a magical family experience occurs behind the scenes.  Our small, tight-knit staff is more like a family than a collection of colleagues, with the exception of our copy editor, Arturo, although we are quite fond of him.

If You See Something Fishy In This Picture, You're Right! The Backpack Posing With Mike Meyers Is Actually A Tardsie Impersonator.

At the center of it all is our venerable Editor-In-Chief, Tardsie the Backpack.  Although Tardsie was not the first to helm Promethean Times, it is his vision which guides us today.  When Rodrigo O’Bannon was fired after Promethean Times’ shaky first few months, Tardsie came out of a well-deserved retirement to right the ship.  The impact of his calm leadership on our inexperienced young staff cannot be overstated, and that Promethean Times not only exists but flourishes today is a testament to his influence.

Most People Aren't Aware That Tardsie Was The Stunt-Double For The Runaway Baby Stroller In "The Untouchables."

Tardsie the Backpack spent the majority of his career before coming to Promethean Times as a travel reporter, publishing several travel narratives.  The most famous among these, Travels With Tardsie, catapulted the young backpack to stardom and made him an overnight literary darling.  His out-of-print novel, So Beats The Nylon Heart, met with a warm response, although sales were disappointing.  He worked briefly as an investigative reporter, achieving some success, before being blacklisted for what he calls “political reasons.”

In Dublin With His Pal James Joyce, Of Whom Tardsie Once Said, "He's The Only Irishman I'd Allow In My Home."

Today Tardsie only slightly resembles the brash young backpack who courageously went undercover to expose point-shaving in Special Olympics basketball and who partied with celebrities.  At nine years old, Tardsie has grown contemplative.  Two of this three zippers are long gone, “And the other one’s busted!” he jokes.  “They made me with cheap nylon,” he says, indicating the rupturing seams along his sides.

Tardsie Always Stops At The Memorial When He's In DC. In '67, His Uncle Frederick, A Foot Locker, Was Misplaced In A Saigon Whorehouse, Never To Be Found.

“I don’t regret anything,” Tardsie says.  “Something my dad used to say still resonates with me.  He said ‘Life experiences are like quarters.  You lose both by sitting on the couch.’  I’ve tried to live my life by that.”

Although that advice actually comes from the side of a Jamba Juice cup, we’re sure that the elder Tardsie was indeed a wise bag.

Tardsie Reports On The Italian Elections. He Was Arrested And Briefly Detained For Defacing Berlusconi Campaign Posters.

Tardsie Goes Undercover To Investigate Allegations That Coors Is Made From Horse Piss. It Turns Out It's Supposed To Taste That Way.

Tardsie Successfully Lobbies Pope Benedict XVI To Permit Condom Use Among Rent Boys.

What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas. But The Stains Are Permanent.

Historical Figures With Unfortunate Nicknames: Beaver Dick

22 Friday Oct 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

Beaver Dick, Great Britain, historical signposts, humiliating nicknames, Idaho, Jim Bridger, mountain men, obscure historical figures, Richard Leigh, suggestive nicknames, Tardsie, Tardsie The Backpack, unfortunate nicknames

By Smaktakula

Of the British-born Richard Leigh, who would rise to relative obscurity as the mountain man Beaver Dick, little is known or cared.

Unsurprisingly, When You Type "Beaver" And "Dick" Into A Search Engine, This Is One Of The Few Non-Pornographic Results.

Said to trail in fame only Jim Bridger and a handful of other mountain men no living man can name, Leigh’s humiliating nickname lives on through historical signposts.

Promethean Times' Ombudsman Tardsie The Backpack Traveled A Long Way To Find Beaver Dick.

Fan of shitty nicknames?  You’ll find more here:

  • La Barbie
  • ‘Black Dick’ Howe
  • General Butt-Naked
  • Fugeeman
  • ‘Lil ‘Lil Kim

News of the Duh: The Orgasm Gap

19 Tuesday Oct 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Science

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Arturo the Pool Boy, female orgasm, male orgasm, males' capacity for self-delusion, News of the Duh, orgasm gap, sex, Smaktakula's 100% kill ratio, Smaktakula's troubling insecurity, studies, surveys, Tardsie, University of Indiana

By Smaktakula

According to the results of a two-decade survey by researchers at the University of Indiana, men reported that their sexual partners reached orgasm much more frequently than they actually did.* 85% of men believed they had brought their last partner to orgasm, while only 64% of women agreed.

"No Man Has Ever Made Me Feel Like That. For Reals."

Curiously, when women were asked about the frequency of their male partner’s orgasm, they were much more likely to be correct.  Both women and men pegged this figure at 99% (plus or minus 1% percent margin of error).

These data lead to the inescapable conclusion that men are simply better than women at achieving orgasm, with many men reporting the ability to climax within seconds of initiating coitus, and in some cases even earlier.  Although there has yet been no serious effort to study this phenomenon, we attribute this disparity to the remarkable amount of rigorous self-study undertaken by most males, particularly during adolescence.

*Promethean Times does not support this conclusion–we believe the percentage of satisfied women to be much higher than reported by the Indiana survey.  An in-house survey seems to support our theory.  We surveyed the male Promethean Times staffers (Smaktakula, Tardsie and Arturo the Pool Boy). Our results indicate that in their combined lifetime total of seven sexual encounters, their various partners experienced orgasm 100% of the time.  This flies in the face of . . . oh . . .wait.
We get it now.  Thanks?

This Day In History: August 16th, 1977 CE

16 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, History, Music

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

August 16, dead celebrities, Elvis Aaron Presley, Elvis Legend of Love (a poetric tribute to the KING), erotic Hummel figurines, Graceland, Marie Greenfield, swap meet treasures, Tardsie, Tardsie The Backpack, TCB, the King, this day in history, Travels With Tardsie

On which a grieving world books a room at the Heartbreak Hotel upon the sad news of the King’s death at 42.

Promethean Times' Editorial Assistant Tardsie The Backpack Poses At The Grave Of Elvis Presley.

The following poem is from Ms. Marie Greenfield’s heartfelt Elvis, Legend of Love (a poetric tribute to the KING).  The book is notable for Greenfield’s charming pen and ink drawings of butterflies, flowers and sequined guitars.

ELVIS WAS

So nifty and handsome,

So charming and wise

The dream in my heart,

The light in my eyes.

Elvis, Elvis tell me true,

Did I have a chance with you?

I would have been your clinging vine,

And you would have been mine.

Sadly, this delightful menagerie of grammar-eschewing poems devoted to the KING is no longer in print.  Although Smaktakula purchased Elvis, Legend of Love at a swap meet for a meager $2, he holds it no less dear than his impressive collection of erotic Hummel figurines.

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