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~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

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Tag Archives: ugly people

Online Dating: No Longer Just For The Wretched

10 Thursday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Amor, BlackSingles, Christian Mingle, Christianity, classified advertising, hookups, JDate, meeting your mate, normals, online dating, reverse racism, romance, ugly people, white people

By Smaktakula

You’re Not Above Using Your Computer For Sex. So Why Not Love?

With statistics showing that more and more couples are meeting one another over the internet, online dating (once known as ‘Classified Ad Dating’) is no longer solely the purview of the diseased, the malformed or similar undesirables. With greater frequency, normals are getting into the act.

Thanks to our increasingly fractured lives and the resulting lack of intimacy, traditional places for meeting a life-partner such as school, work, or poorly-lit taverns at last call are no longer sufficient to meet the world’s yearning for romance. School and work both suck, it will be noted, and taverns are rife with bitter, semi-toothed and vaguely threatening rummies. Given these disappointing realities, it’s no surprise that lonelyhearts would turn to the internet.

In Days Of Yore, Society’s Undesirables Had Two Avenues For Romance: Classified Advertising And Bride-Snatching.

And they have. In fact, the lovelorn have turned to the internet in such numbers that there now not only can a would-be dater choose from among a variety of dating sites based on religion or ethnicity,* but also services catering to any lifestyle, condition or fetish. No one need ever be lonely again.

One site promoting itself recently is Christian Mingle, a dating service for Christians. Despite that church and religious functions remain among the more efficacious, unsullied means of attracting a similarly minded mate, intimacy can still be hard to foster. Some people might feel that Christian Mingle fails to offer the “first-night hookup” implicit in so many of the other services, but this is illusory. Christian Mingle users still have about the same chance of getting lucky with their prospective dates, but it involves even more lying than is typical.

We Thought The Beehive Hairdo And Peggy Hill Glasses Looked Suspicious.

A final word to those who might have stumbled across this article while searching for an online dating service: Don’t do it, Honey!  He’s already married.

*Obviously, no ‘All-Caucasian’ dating sites exist. Quite unlike such niche sites as JDate, Amor or BlackSingles, a strictly white romance service would fly in the face of the West’s longstanding tradition of equality and fair-play. ∞T.

Headlines 02.09.12

09 Thursday Feb 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Politics, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

arson, bad parents, creepy, dolphins, drunken Native Americans, ethnic pandering, headlines, Jack Daniels, Jamie Lynn Spears, khat, Latinos, Los Angeles, Mitt Romney, Mogadishu, Native Americans, New Jersey, New York Giants, Newt Gingrich, Penn St., places that suck, playing the lottery as an investment, Rick Santorum, ShamWow!, ShamWow! Vince, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Somalia, Survivor, the French, the French people's love of stinky things, ugly people, US Navy, Why am I so fat?

By Smaktakula

We respond to today’s headlines without first reading the stories!

Whatever. We’ll Continue To Invest Our Assets In Lottery Tickets.

Parenting After Penn State: Can We Trust Coaches with Our Kids? ~ As much as we ever could.

Today: Woman gives birth on N.J. train ~ As it happens, the child was conceived just two cars down.

Why French Parents Are Superior ~ Does smelling like a turd in rotten-egg sauce stuffed inside the bloated belly of a week-old corpse make you a better parent? Because if it does, we totally get it.

Can’t Find Jeans That Fit? We Can Help ~ So can we. Lose weight.

This Undulant Curiosity Comes With Its Own Event Horizon.

Cops: Boy, 5, stabbed three over juice ~ You’d think after the first stabbing they’d just give the kid his fucking juice.

Santorum Surges, Romney Shrugs ~ Ew.  You know what that means, right?

Should teams lose for Luck? ~ Good question, Confucius.  We’ve got one for you: should a person starve himself for satiety?

The Navy Is Depending on Dolphins to Keep the Strait of Hormuz Open ~ The Navy must be hurting for fresh ideas. Dolphins can’t even keep their asses out of tuna nets.

‘Little Help?’

Unconsciously, Everyone Wants to Date a Hottie ~ But only unconsciously.  Our conscious mind directs us to copulate with fuglies.

Wild find: Half grizzly, half polar bear ~ 100% AWESOME!

Fun in Mogadishu? Indeed! ~ If you’re a khat-crazed buccaneer.

Jamie Lynn Spears: I’m Afraid of Not Being a Good Mom ~ Some fears are justified.

LA arson probe: Person of interest had ‘creepy’ smile, witness says ~ He totally did it, then.  The creepy smile is how you can tell.

What You’re Buying Is The Serial-Killer Smile; The ShamWow! Is An Extra.

What will Giants need to do in order to repeat? ~ Win another Super Bowl, ass.

Things You Didn’t Know About Your Penis ~ Please. After decades of rigorous hands-on study of our penii coupled with regular field-testing, there’s very little about our one-eyed heat-seeking moisture missiles that remains a mystery.

FIFTH OF GERMANS HOLD SOME ANTI-SEMITIC VIEWS – STUDY ~ The Germans? Wow, it’s always the ones you least suspect.

Native Americans, given less time to vote for president, sue SD ~ They always end up voting for Jack Daniels anyway.

“The Great Spirit Says I Must Seek A Vision.”

Former Survivor member sues Gingrich for using “Eye of Tiger” ~ You’d think they’d be thanking Gingrich–that song is about as old as he is.

Elderly Woman Leaves Condo To Homeless ~ And now no one wants to live there.

Helping your parents stay out of the nursing home ~ They can help THEMSELVES stay out of a nursing home by helping Smaktakula out with a little ‘Beanie Baby’ money.

Why the 2012 Hispanic Vote Doesn’t Matter … Yet ~ You best watch your mouth if you don’t want to end up scrubbing your own floors.

We’ve Practically Made Ethnic Pandering Into A Science.

More Fun With Headlines:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII
  • Headlines VIII
  • Headlines IX
  • Headlines X
  • Headlines XI
  • Headlines XII

The Tuxedo

16 Thursday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

Anne Hathaway, Carrot Top, Cary Grant, cretinous people, dicks, dinner jacket, douchebaggery, every girl is crazy 'bout a sharp-dressed man, fashion, formal attire, George Clooney, Jeremy Piven, Jersey Shore, John Cusack, monkey suit, morning coat, smoking jacket, Tom Arnold, transformation, Tux, Tuxedos, ugly people, unfunny comedians, unremitting virginity

By Smaktakula

A Testament To The Power Of The Tux: You're Looking At A Picture Of Carrot Top.

The tuxedo, the origins of which lie in the late 19th Century, is essentially a modern invention.  Worn in a variety of styles and bearing various regional names–smoking or dinner jacket; morning coat; monkey suit–the tuxedo is de rigueur for a myriad of formal occasions.

The best thing about this piece of fitted apparel is that while it may not transform Tom Arnold into Cary Grant, it goes a long way in that direction.  It’s hard to look bad in a tux.

However, it must be acknowledged that there exist a very few exceptions which prove the rule.

There's No Easy Way To Tell Him That His Seventeen Years Of Unremitting Virginity Will Not End Tonight.

Sometimes even celebrities, our natural betters, can fuck up a tux.

Considering All The Other Efforts John Cusack Has Expended Over The Years To Kickstart This Unlikable Dick's Career, He Could Have Thrown In His Stylist's Number.

Help Protest This Detestable Garment By Joining Us In Boisterously Chanting: "TAKE IT OFF!!! TAKE IT OFF!!!"

Q: How Many Ds Are Contained Within This Picture? A: Ten, If You Count The Pair Of Douchebags And The Four Double-Ds.

Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan Takes A Terrible Picture No Matter The Angle

11 Friday Mar 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, News, Stupidity

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Elena Kagan, people with appearance deficits, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, Supreme Court, ugly people, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

There.  We said it.

So were we wrong?

Sometimes we like to showcase our highbrow political stuff. ∞T.

Things We Think About: Pictures

17 Monday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

a photograph is worth a thousand words, a picture is worth a thousand words, America's Funniest Home Videos, aphorisms, art, beautiful people, Bob Saget, casaba melons, Cat On A Leash, cliche, Full House, grammar, has-beens, images, maxims, Mike Tyson, mulletards, mullets, photobombs, photography, pictures, righteous mullet, shitty TV shows, syntactic singularities, syntax, Tardsie, Tardsie The Backpack, Things we think about, Travels With Tardsie, TV, ugly people, unfunny comedians, words

By Smaktakula

We're Pretty Sure You Could Squeeze A Few More Words Out Of This Beauty.

Few aphorisms are as ubiquitous–or contain as much self-evident truth–as  ‘A picture is worth a thousand words,‘ the notion that the camera’s eye catches such a visual abundance that it would take 1,000 words to describe it with any kind of justice.  This time-honored simile has not only survived since its introduction to common speech, but flourished thanks to its apt and easy-to-understand imagery.  The maxim is so well-known that it would not be at all surprising to hear it mouthed by a precocious six-year-old.

Thanks To The Casaba Queen, These Newlyweds Are Relegated Fewer Words In This Photo Than You'll Find In The Sentence "I Do."

But for as much use as it has seen since its probable introduction as a bit of ad copy in the early 20th Century, philosophers have yet to mount a critical study of the proverb’s underlying tenets.  Such an examination can yield heretofore unexpected insights into the nature of the image itself.

What A Tragic Waste. Those Lovely Young Ladies Deserved Their 333 And A Third.

The truth in this saying becomes evident after a limited examination of just one of the many propositions it puts forth.  Given that any single photograph is worth no more and no less than 1,000 words, how are we then to apportion dedicated words to the individual images contained within the photograph?

This Righteous Mullet Acts As A Syntactic Singularity, Sucking Sentences From Everything In Its Presence.

It would be hard to dispute, for example, that the Colosseum of Rome as depicted in a photograph might on its own merits command 1,000 words, so majestic and replete with history is the ancient structure.  That example is easy enough to follow, but lulls the viewer into the erroneous assumption that an image’s word value is a constant.  It is not.

Imagine then the same image of the Colosseum, but now with a huge Weimaraner lustily humping a French poodle in the foreground of the shot.  Wouldn’t the descriptive words necessitated by the inclusion of this comical scene into the otherwise-stolid tableau syphon syntax intended for the Colosseum?

Together The Kids Are Worth About 25 Words.

Unquestionably, the answer is yes: the 1,000 words alloted to a picture must be divided among the image’s component parts, such as in the previous example.  However, in the aforementioned instance we posited two subjects–a historical marvel and copulating canines–of equal interest to the average viewer.  But when we pair items of unequal appeal–say for example the Colosseum of Rome and a 1999 Buick LeSabre, or the randy dogs and Bob Saget, host of America’s Funniest Home Videos–it quickly becomes evident that all images are not created equal.

We Doubt There's A Person Alive Who Wouldn't Sacrifice Words Just To Be In This Photo.

Given that the various images captured within a photograph, digital recording device or artwork are not equally deserving of the object’s finite word supply–certainly the copulating dogs in the previous example rate higher than the irritating Full House has-been–the truth which reveals itself through this insight is as old as the image itself.  If images within a photograph are inherently unequal, then some are simply more important than others.

Try As He Might, Tardsie Can't Hope To Compete With Cat-On-A-Leash.

What does this all mean for you?  The implications are myriad, and at the very least will increase your awareness of the many factors comprising a good–that is, asthetically pleasing–photo.  Accordingly, you now will endeavor to pose for pictures with people less attractive and interesting than yourself, and if an enormous black drag queen dressed up like Brittney Spears circa 2001 wanders into the shot while you’re posing for a picture, you’ll be sure to let that thing of beauty speak for itself by getting your ass out of the shot.

Plain Girls--The Strategy Of Posing With A Less-Attractive Friend Can Be Taken Too Far.

Further Examples Of The Phenomenon:

In A Way, This Is Actually Fairer. The Chick On Our Left Would Only Have Taken Words From The More-Deserving Girls.

This Asswipe Successfully Executes The Very Difficult '1000 Word Steal.'

No Loss Here. We Can All Agree That The Cute Little Critter Deserves The Words.

The Poodle Doesn't Stand A Chance.

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