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Tag Archives: mouth-breathing halfwits

TV Still Safe For Morons

24 Thursday Mar 2011

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Mouth-Breathing Ignoramuses Worldwide Ask, "Why There Not More TV Shows For I?"

It’s no secret that television gets a bad rap.  Labelled ‘A Vast Wasteland’ within years of its invention, TV hasn’t been given much of a chance.  And much like a person awoken from sleep by a phone call, people will go to ridiculous lengths to refuse to admit that they watch TV.

"If Maybelle Don't Get To Watch Her Stories, She Starts Thinkin' 'Bout Things. I Need That Like I Need Another Hole In My Head."

Most of these people are lying.  The ever-expanding menu of specialized channels, internet-to-television streaming along with piles upon piles of data suggest that people are watching the small screen more than ever.  As counterintuitive as it might seem, the device often referred to as the “idiot box” may actually be helping to improve lives around the globe.

Proving Every Day That The Really Talented Fat Comedians Die Young.

A tremendous variety of educational programming is available for viewers, plus scads of infotainment shows on cooking, wildlife, home decor, ghostbusting and the like.  Thanks to shows like Sesame Street, television helps to prepare youngsters for school.  Perhaps most surprising are studies from India which show a correlation between the availability of cable television and an increase in the living standard of women.

So if TV isn’t the mindless entertainment we’ve always believed it to be, what does this mean for the world’s slackjawed halfwits, who see the demise of Two and a half Men as the end of an era, drowning their fears with a glut of Benny Hill reruns?  Have no fear, television has not forgotten its sub-moronic roots: for the discriminating lackwit, there are a plethora of shitty shows like Deal or No Deal and the odious America’s Funniest Home Videos.

We'd Think A Guy With Two Of The All-Time Shittiest TV Shows Under His Belt AND Whose Name Rhymes With . . .'Baguette' . . . Would Be A Little Funnier.

Let’s take a moment to thank these uncreative men and women who bring us intellectually challenged programing.  With everyone pandering to America’s elite, it’s nice to see someone’s still looking out for the drooling moron who can’t get off the couch.

Thanks To The Dumbing Down Of America, Foreigners Aren't Just Taking Our Jobs--They're Also Taking Our Spot On Jeopardy!

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Mississippi Burning. What, Again?

18 Friday Feb 2011

Posted by in Culture, History, Politics

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By Smaktakula

"Fellers, Y'all Do Know We Done Already Lost That Fight With Them Yankee Sumbitches, Right?"

In the Magnolia State, old ghosts have risen to once again fan the embers of division and reignite the conflagration that civilized America believed long-dead.  It seems that after nearly two centuries of statehood, Mississippi just can’t get its act together.

The state’s most recent trouble began when the Mississippi Division of the Sons of Confederate Veterans proposed a state license plate commemorating the end of the War Between the States, known in places long-accustomed to indoor plumbing as the American Civil War.  This request is somewhat unusual since, with rare exceptions in incidents of transcendent courage such as Masada, the Alamo or Thermopylae–losers are not typically commemorated.

The Justice Department says the former managers of a Mississippi mobile home park who allegedly discriminated against a black family that lived there after being displaced by Hurricane Katrina have agreed to pay $50000 in monetary damages and civil penalties.

So Is This What Your Great-Grandaddy Fought So Hard For? Just Checking.

Even more controversial is the SCV’s choice of Nathan Bedford Forrest‘s image for the new license plate.  Forrest is a contentious figure because he was a Confederate Lieutenant General during the Civil War.  That, and he was an early and influential member of the Ku Klux Klan.

If Mississippi chooses to honor Forrest by issuing the offensive license plate, it will invite turmoil from within the state and opprobrium without.   Moreover, the leech-choked mudpatch would become the first state to so lavishly celebrate a Klansman since West Virginia, which continues to name just about everything within its borders in honor of former KKK Grand Cyclops, Robert Byrd.

While it may be too much to ask that Mississippi pull itself fully into the 21st Century, we suggest a more modest goal. Perhaps the state could shoot for 1978 or 1979?

The South Will Rise Again!
No it won’t neither.  You hush up an’ eat that possum ‘fore it gets cold, now.

Helping The Stupid. Gently.

23 Thursday Dec 2010

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Stupidity Wasn't Invented In America, But Like So Many Other Things, We've Made It Uniquely Our Own.

Stupidity never seems to go out of style.  Our daily lives are inundated with such stupidity that fighting against it often is like trying to hold back a mighty ocean of  inanity.  But such has always been the lot of that societal minority whose IQ falls into the triple digits.  Promethean Times has always argued the responsibility the non-stupid segment of the population bears toward the great legions who are.  Sometimes the greatest kindness can be illustrating more fully the depths of an individual’s thickheadedness.

Some intelligent people have no compunctions about snatching the veil of ignorance from unseeing eyes.  Although their manner can be abrasive at times, these brave souls risk the opprobrium of yahoos to make the world a better place.  These days such revelations are likely to earn at worst a beating, but once upon a time that kind of talk could get you burned at the stake.

Others, more timid or introspective, have difficulty in apprising morons of their staggering and cretinous idiocy.  It is for these non-confrontational people that we offer an elegant solution to this problem.  By employing the Promethean Times Method, not only is it possible bring the shithead to a painful–but ultimately healing–self-awareness, but also to accomplish it by allowing the halfwit to arrive at the deduction by himself.

"HURRRRRR! I Can Count To This Many!" Boasts Putty-Faced Reality TV Grotesquery, Heidi Montag.

Executing the Method:

When the stupidity of a speaker becomes nauseatingly uncomfortable for all parties present, the intelligent person should say something to the effect, “I was with you until you got to that part about you not really knowing what you were talking about, and how you feel you’re a just a bit of an idiot.”

The reaction will no doubt fall along these lines: “What?  That wasn’t what I said!”

Tell ’em, “Well, not in so many words.”

Try it.  You’ll be making the world a better place.

Since Her Untimely Death In 2007, Anna Nicole Has Been Elevated To Patron Saint Of The Very Stupid.

Nashville Mixed Martial Arts Fans Treated To Extra Helping Of Violence

19 Monday Apr 2010

Posted by in Culture, General Foolishness, Sports

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Bloodsport fans are no doubt upset by the shocking brawl which erupted in the ring after a Mixed Martial Arts bout in Nashville:

Promethean Times hopes that the event’s organizer will address this shameful situation.  MMA fans, many of whom brought their families, came expecting to see two nearly naked men in a cage beat one another into submission, surrounded by a deafening crowd of mouth-breathing halfwits crying out their love of carnage.

Unfortunately, violence broke out before the tooth & blood man had the opportunity to clean the canvas, proving it only takes one or two bad apples to ruin an evening of wholesome family entertainment.

You Can’t Rassle When You’re Still Wearin’ Clothes: Post-fight fight mars Jake Shields’ big win – Josh Gross – SI.com.

Smaktakula