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Across the nation, morons who love bad TV are screeching with joy and hurling their own feces at one another upon the news that Two and a Half Men will be returning to television. Fans of vapid entertainment were disheartened in recent months by reports of the inane series’ demise following the implosion of the show’s star, toothless pharmaceutical experiment Charlie Sheen. However, as they have so many times in the past, the doomsayers prognosticating Two and a Half Men‘s demise have vastly underestimated the American public’s rapacious appetite for all things vulgar and grotesque.
Two and a Half Men will continue to dumb up the airwaves for at least another season, thanks to the arrival of minimally-talented prettyboy Ashton Kutcher. Kutcher is best known for his roles in That 70s Show and Punk’d, as well as for banging an old lady.
Two and a Half Men‘s producers acknowledge that Kutcher brings neither star power nor charisma to the show, and admit that the replacement actor’s mushy intellect makes the cocaine and whiskey-befuddled Charlie Sheen seem like Alan Greenspan in comparison. They counter, however, that as a living, breathing organism, Kutcher is more than qualified to play the 1.0 men which the script requires.
America's Funniest Home Videos, As the World Turns, Baguette wasn't our first choice, Benny Hill, Bob Saget, India, Jeopardy!, Louie Anderson, morons, mouth-breathing halfwits, soap operas, television, the vast wasteland, TV makes you stupid, Two and a Half Men
It’s no secret that television gets a bad rap. Labelled ‘A Vast Wasteland’ within years of its invention, TV hasn’t been given much of a chance. And much like a person awoken from sleep by a phone call, people will go to ridiculous lengths to refuse to admit that they watch TV.
Most of these people are lying. The ever-expanding menu of specialized channels, internet-to-television streaming along with piles upon piles of data suggest that people are watching the small screen more than ever. As counterintuitive as it might seem, the device often referred to as the “idiot box” may actually be helping to improve lives around the globe.
A tremendous variety of educational programming is available for viewers, plus scads of infotainment shows on cooking, wildlife, home decor, ghostbusting and the like. Thanks to shows like Sesame Street, television helps to prepare youngsters for school. Perhaps most surprising are studies from India which show a correlation between the availability of cable television and an increase in the living standard of women.
So if TV isn’t the mindless entertainment we’ve always believed it to be, what does this mean for the world’s slackjawed halfwits, who see the demise of Two and a half Men as the end of an era, drowning their fears with a glut of Benny Hill reruns? Have no fear, television has not forgotten its sub-moronic roots: for the discriminating lackwit, there are a plethora of shitty shows like Deal or No Deal and the odious America’s Funniest Home Videos.
Let’s take a moment to thank these uncreative men and women who bring us intellectually challenged programing. With everyone pandering to America’s elite, it’s nice to see someone’s still looking out for the drooling moron who can’t get off the couch.