• Get To Know Promethean Times!
  • Magnificent Bastards
  • Douchebags Emeritus

Promethean Times

~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

Promethean Times

Tag Archives: cultists

Helpful Hints For Everyday Life: Family Matters

17 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, History, Justice, Music, Mythology, National Events, People, Relationships, Social Networking

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Bring Charlie a sandwich!, Charles Manson, Charlie Manson, Charlie Manson is batshit crazy, crazy fucker, cult leaders, cultists, demagoguery, helpful hints, Helter Skelter, Manson Family, murderers, piggies, the "White Album", the Beatles, would-be-Messiahs

By Smaktakula

If you ever find yourself forced to make small talk with wacky cult leader and would-be-Messiah Charles Manson, it’s probably best not to mention the Beatles unless you’ve got the time to hang out for a while.

"Can You See It, Man? Can You Dig What It Says When You Take The First Letter Of Each Song On The White Album And Put Them Together? No, Man! It Doesn't Say 'BDGOWTWH MIBPRDWIJ BYMESHL RHSCRG!' It Says 'Get Charlie A Sandwich, And Not So Much Goddamn Mayo This Time!' It Also Says, 'The War Is Coming; Piggies Die!'"

People Actually Believe That? Ramtha And The Lizard-Beasts Of Mt. Rainier

24 Thursday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Critters, Cults, Culture, General Foolishness, Mythology, National Events, People

≈ 20 Comments

Tags

72 black-eyed virgins, batshit crazy, Brahma, clairvoyance, copper, cultists, eruption, Immaculate Conception, JZ Knight, Lemuria, lizard men, metahuman abilities, Mt. Rainier, psychokinesis, Ramtha, Ramtha's School of Enlightenment, Ramthafarians, telepathy, Vishnu, volcanic activity, wacky religions, Washington State, Yelm

By Smaktakula

Religions have long been in the business of promulgating wacky theories: the Immaculate Conception, Lord Brahma’s birth from a lotus flower grown from Vishnu’s navel, the prospect of 72 black-eyed virgins upon martyrdom.  But some religions, unwilling to be lumped in with the merely slightly bizarre rank-and-file, go the extra mile to prove they’re just a little bit crazier than the rest.  The Ramtha Cult is one of these.        

JZ Knight founded Ramtha’s School of Enlightenment in Yelm, Washington back in 1987.  Knight is lucky enough to be the host of Ramtha, a 35,000 year old Lemurian warrior.        

A Howler Monkey + The Joker = JZ Knight

Knight conducts Ramtha workshops all over the world, and the church currently boasts a membership of more than 6,000 cultists.  This brain-trust believes that with Ramtha’s teachings, they will some day be able to develop fantastic super-powers such as telepathy, clairvoyance and psychokinesis, as well as other improbable metahuman abilities.        

Thinks: "Wicca Is An Equally Ridiculous, But Slightly Less Expensive Waste Of Time."

However, the Ramtha Cult is hardly the first pseudo-church to promise fantastic abilities to the most rigorous adherents.  What catapults the Ramthafarians into stratospheric-level crazy is the Sinister Secret of Mt. Rainier.        

This terrible piece of lore was lost for thousands of years, but was recovered through the valiant efforts of Ramtha, Knight and their legion of cultists.  Thanks to the lightning-fast exchange of data in the information era, this knowledge can at last be made public.        

An evil and ancient race of lizard men dwells in the dark and secret places under the earth.  These foul, carnage-driven demons would love nothing more than to go medieval on the human race.  For millenia, they have been trapped in their dark environs, festering with unconsummated rage against humanity, of which generations rose and fell, ignorant of the threat beneath their feet.        

However, Ramtha, through his prophet JZ Knight has revealed that on an unspecified but very near date, Rainier will erupt with an heretofore unknown fury, laying waste to much of the surrounding areas.  Those who die quickly will be the lucky ones.  The rest of humanity will fall victim to the lizard men’s rapine abuses.        

Yelm lies in the shadow of Mt. Rainier, and thus on the first line of defense against the reptilian onslaught.  Ramthafarians have prepared for this eventuality, however, and have lined their homes with the one substance which can drive away or conquer the ravening lizard-beasts: copper.        

Copper. Really? That's The Best You Could Come Up With?

   

Share With Facebook

LIKE Promethean Times on Facebook!

LIKE Promethean Times on Facebook!

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

The Best Of Times

  • Diff'rent Strokes Curse Remains With Work Undone
  • People Actually Believe That? Ramtha And The Lizard-Beasts Of Mt. Rainier
  • Nothing But Comebacks
  • Things Worth Hoping For: Bert and Ernie
  • Mullets Are Slightly Less Heinous Than Fauxhawks
  • A Funny Story About Clowns
  • Commercials We Do Not Like: A1 Steak Sauce
  • My Freaky Mommy
  • Wonder Twins: Deactivated
  • A New Golden Rule

Dumb Stuff We Say On Twitter:

  • Teachable Moments prometheantimes.com/2015/10/15/tea… http://t.co/QFzhCOBHaO 5 years ago
  • The Garden-Destroying Cross-Lot Food Fight prometheantimes.com/2015/10/01/the… http://t.co/lY6IVUWzYV 5 years ago
  • My Beef With That One Guy From ‘Fast Times At Ridgemont High’ prometheantimes.com/2015/09/23/my-… http://t.co/izgO4yJppn 5 years ago
  • Shelly The Parasitic Yoko of Pervert Alley prometheantimes.com/2015/08/17/she… http://t.co/0svsAHygLs 5 years ago
  • Welcome To Pervert Alley prometheantimes.com/2015/07/31/wel… http://t.co/tvFvovXjTX 5 years ago
Follow @prometheantimes

Recent Times

  • Teachable Moments
  • The Garden-Destroying Cross-Lot Food Fight
  • My Beef With That One Guy From ‘Fast Times At Ridgemont High’
  • Shelly The Parasitic Yoko of Pervert Alley
  • Welcome To Pervert Alley
  • A Profoundly Philosophical Question
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part III
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part II
  • My Friend Joey Park, Part I
  • Headlines: In Which No Puppies Were Harmed Or Abducted
  • Profiles in Loutishness
  • Bet Your Bottom Dollar That Tomorrow
  • Mea Culpa: 55 Cent
  • Goat Mayo
  • Headlines: More News We Don’t Understand
  • The Aging Gunslinger
  • Hungarian Fone Kard
  • Fresh Socks For Homeless Walter
  • I’m An Ass, And I’m Sorry
  • Headlines: I Was A Caveman’s Love-Puppet
  • Untruth & Consequences: Debriefing
  • To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before
  • My Missing Medal
  • Promethean Times Questions Existence Of Sri Lanka
  • Headlines: Shaking And Stirred

WORD.

Adolf Hitler Afghanistan Africa anti-semitism bad parents Barack Obama Baseball bigotry Bill Clinton California Canada cannabis Celebrity Death Watch childish sexual innuendo China cocaine comical despots dope douchebaggery drugs famous for nothing fat people foolish choices fun with stereotypes gay people Germany gold digger grass headlines helpful hints hemp homosexuality hypocrisy impoverished third-world hellhole Iran Islam jackassery Japan Kim Jong-il LiLo Lindsay Lohan Los Angeles Dodgers marijuana Mexico Muammar al-Gaddafi mullets muslims North Korea outright lies places that suck pot racism reefer religious intolerance skankery skanks Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French Smaktakula's distrust of short people Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding stupid people sweet sweet cheeba Tardsie's True-Ass Tales that trick never works the French this day in history treachery true meanings of holidays United Kingdom United States of America untalented stars weed Where Are They Now? Why am I so fat? Why am I so stupid? you got a real purty mouth

Promethean History

February 2021
M T W T F S S
1234567
891011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
« Oct    

Search The Prometheosphere

Recent Comments

Vivek Golikeri on Alexandra Wallace: Ching-Chong…
Tim on People Actually Believe That?…
Anonymous on Commercials We Do Not Like: Me…
Dudley on Diff’rent Strokes Curse…
Anonymous on Commercials We Do Not Like: Me…
tomsimard on Sadly, Anne Heche Still L…
Smaktakula on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
David on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
Rackuzius on Brilliant, Dirty Weirdo Said T…
Smaktakula on Teachable Moments
Yoshihiko Motaro on Teachable Moments
Anonymous on Words Never To Use: N****…
Alex C on Putting The Italian Army To Go…
Usman Makhdoom on Alexandra Wallace: Ching-Chong…
Lary James on Untruth & Consequences: Do…

Tardsie D. Bagg

Smaktakula

Networked Blogs

NetworkedBlogs
Blog:
Promethean Times
Topics:
Satire, Irreverence, Snarkery
 
Follow my blog

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.