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Tag Archives: batshit crazy

Headlines: We’re Not Laughing, Ricky

20 Wednesday Nov 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Headlines, History, News, Philosophy, Politics, Religion, Stupidity

≈ 25 Comments

Tags

autism, Baby Hope, Barack Obama, batshit crazy, boobs, Chris Brown, conspiracy theories, crystal meth, don't hate us because we're ignorant, dope, drugs, Europe, ganja, global warming, God hates the left-handed, grass, headlines, hemp, Holocaust, Houston, JFK, Judaism, Latin America, left-handed people, legalize it, Love you Thorsie!, Martha Stewart, Michigan, MILFs, New York City, North Korea, obesity, places that suck, Poland, political assassination, pot, reefer, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, special needs, spying scandal, sweet sweet cheeba, Tom Brady, twerking, weed, Wisconsin

By Smaktakula

No Matter How Loudly We Trumpet Our Innocence, The Man’s Always Trying To Bring Us Down.

In which we celebrate ignorance by responding to the headlines of news articles we have not bothered to read.

***

What We Lost When J.F.K. Died ~ Our reluctance to embrace wacky conspiracy theories.

Rain Forest Plants Race to Outrun Global Warming ~ But being rooted to the ground, they’re pretty much fucked.

Man says dollar store tricked his family into leaving Houston ~ Sounds like the Dollar Store did you a favor, pardner.

Tom Brady feels terrific ~ Does he ever! C’mon, try rubbing his backside!

Obese 2-year-old is youngest to have bariatric surgery ~ Is bariatric surgery that thing where they beat a person’s parents with lead pipes? If so, we definitely think he should have that done.

Still Think ‘Fat Shaming’ Is Wrong In Every Instance?

Will Legal Pot Cost More Than Black-Market Pot? ~ It already does, fucknugget.

Explaining Twerking to Your Parents ~ Why on earth would you want to do something like that?

Big penis, small penis ~ Lucky man, locker-room laughingstock.

1939 Jewish Husband Too Sensitive About Hitler ~ But the really shitty thing is that his wife STILL won’t admit he was right!

Martha Stewart Admits To Having A Threesome ~ We don’t know whether to feel aroused or repulsed! Repulsed…now kinda aroused…repulsed again…and a little more arousal…

No, Martha, That’s Not A “Good Thing” At All. It’s A Crime Against Nature!

Real estate company ranks ’10 best cities in Michigan’ ~ 7 of them are in Wisconsin.

Is Obama to blame for North Korea? ~ Well, the way Obama tells it, it’s George Bush’s fault.

‘I Don’t Want My Children to Go to College’ ~ It’s like I tell my boys–“the world needs ditch-diggers.”

Two-fifths of elderly spend more than they earn, study finds ~ Sure, but at some point that becomes prudent. You can’t take it with you, right?

40-year-old mom found nude in teenage boy’s closet ~ Assuming that it’s somebody else’s mom, we say, “Way to go, kid!”

So, No–This Is Not Cool.

Ricky Williams says weed was like his Popeye spinach ~ Sometimes people laugh at what they don’t understand.

What’s Really Going On When Men Call Women ‘Crazy’ ~ A potentially serious mental illness is being addressed to the good of all parties involved.

UPDATE: Pedestrian hit by vehicle was not using crosswalk ~ Serves that law-breaking fucker right, then.

Mysterious Sea Creature In Spain Washes Ashore, Baffles Locals ~ Turns out it was a bar of soap.

What to Say to Parents of Kids With Special Needs ~ “Oh, man! I’m so glad I’m not you!”

And Sometimes People Laugh At What They Do Understand.

Teen Accused of Stabbing Teacher to Death ‘Kept to Himself’ ~ Except for that one time when he stabbed the teacher to death.

Help! My Daughter Got Pregnant at a Friend’s Party and the Owners of the House Won’t Chip In ~ That makes as much sense as me suing the makers of the Dodge Dart for my children.

Why Are Some People Left-Handed? ~ Because God is cruel.

Obama to lay out agenda for economic recovery ~ You mean now? It’s not still 2009 is it?

What Happens When a Language Has No Numbers? ~ You call it ‘Polish.’

Based On Our One Brief Visit To Poland, We Assure You That Everything You’ve Heard About Those People Is True.

Sorry Europe, We’re Still Spying ~ And by ‘sorry,’ we mean ‘Fuck You.’

Chris Brown: I lost my virginity when I was 8 years old ~ That’s a funny way of saying ‘I was sexually assaulted when I was 8 years old.’

NYC police reportedly identify mother of 1991 murder victim ‘Baby Hope’ ~ They called her ‘Baby Hope’ because ‘Baby Irony’ was just too obvious.

Growing Number Of Latin Americans Turning to Judaism ~ Headline for 2025: Latin America Becomes World’s Most Prosperous Region.

Free mammogram clinic set for Oct. 19 in SLO ~ It’s in my garage! Why not have a couple of drinks before swinging by?

I’ve Had Shirts Made Up And Everything!

You May Now Eat The Bride

11 Wednesday Apr 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

bacon, batshit crazy, commercials we do not like, I Love Bacon, Jack In The Box, Jews, muslims, pig-fuckers, pigs, pork, pork is Muslim kryptonite, you got a real purty snout

By Smaktakula

Gawrsh! We Wouldn't Know What To Buy If The Man On The TeeVee Didn't Tell Us.

At least 99% of television commercials are mind-numbing horseshit. That Madison Avenue pitchmen are able not only able to part consumers from their hard-earned cash for products they want and need, but also to concoct and sell products for which there was previously no need, is a testament both to their skill and to the credulity of the purchasing public. However, occasionally these advertising geniuses use their talents to such unspeakable ends that we are forced to take notice. A recent example of this type of airwave abortion is Jack In The Box’s odious I Love Bacon.

The commercial’s premise is fundamentally flawed, assuming that the “I” watching the advertisement does indeed love the sodium-saturated snap of sizzling swineflesh.  Gentle readers, be assured that this “I” most certainly does not enjoy this artery-stuffing repast, refusing to pollute his body with the filthy swine. We have watched with growing horror as America’s ongoing flirtation with the pig has recently blossomed into romance, leaving in its greasy wake a host of bacon-themed products, including the faddishly inedible bacon sundae.

Even The Most Atheistic Of Atheists Has Got To Know, Deep Down, That This Is An Affront To God Almighty.

Moreover, this commercial may rankle those groups, most notably Jews and Muslims, whose faith proscribes pork products of any kind. These commercials will most likely not prove any more offensive to Jews (some who may secretly indulge their own love of bacon in a neighborhood with low synagogue-saturation), who after centuries of persecution have learned to discern actual threats from those matters which simply cause the bunching of panties. The Muslim community, however, has of late gained a good deal of traction from the notion that if something is perceived as offensive to the faith, then it should be seen by no one. This could prove problematic for Jack In The Box, as pig-meat is among the many, many things Muslims find ritually unclean and therefore mortally offensive.

Fortunately, It's Unlike Muslims To Go All Batshit Crazy Over Someone Else's Lifestyle Choices.

It is not often we find ourselves in complete agreement with anachronistic fundamentalist wackos with nasty beards, but today is one of those rare times. By even joking about marriage between a man and a food product, Jack In The Box sets a dangerous standard. Rather than the clever commercial it pretends to be, Jack In The Box’s I Love Bacon campaign is a dangerous incitement to America’s impressionable youth, telling them it’s perfectly okay to grow up to be a pig-fucker.

Oooh, You're Dirty Girls, Aren't You? Say It! Say, "We're Dirty Girls!"

***

Self-Confessed Pig-Fucker.

***

Charlie Sheen Downgraded From ‘Douchebag’ Status In Light Of Illness

04 Monday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Music, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

batshit crazy, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Charlie Sheen is batshit crazy, Charlie Sheen Will Never Escape The Brat Pack's Terrible Event Horizon, Chicago, death by Special Fred, Detroit, douchebaggery, dweebs, geeks, Illinois, LARPers, mental illness, mental illness is not funny, Michigan, My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Death is Not an Option, nerds, Special Fred, Special Olympics, the Warlock, trainwrecks, winning

By Smaktakula

Seriously, Charlie Isn't Even Trying To Make It Difficult For Us Anymore.

After lengthy consultations with prominent physicians, lawyers and spiritual advisors, Promethean Times has agreed to conditionally rescind Charlie Sheen’s douchebag status.  The doomed former television personality’s obvious mental illness likely indicates a complete lack of control over his own life and career, both of which are in freefall.

Possibly the only individual in the Western World not fully cognizant of the pathetic nature of the actor’s plight is the Warlock himself.  The toothless cretin received a warm reaction from a Chicago audience during staging of his spectacle, My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Death is Not an Option, despite being nearly booed off the stage at the debut in Detroit.

Also Called 'The Warlock,' But He Had The Name First. If You Don't Believe Him, As His Mom. She Worked On The Costume.

Along with thousands and perhaps millions of other publications, Promethean Times has repeatedly mocked Sheen in the past.  We’re going to try really hard not to do so in the future.

Seemingly overnight, picking on Charlie Sheen has become like heckling an athlete at the Special Olympics.  Sure, it seems like a good idea, and it’s pretty easy to do–but it leaves you spiritually untethered and consumed with bitter self-loathing.

"Dude, You Were Warned To Stop Saying That Shit. Now Freddy's Gonna Have To Make You Bleed."

Corrupt Afghan Despot Revealed To Be Complete Nutbag

24 Friday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, News, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Afghanistan, Barack Obama, batshit crazy, Bob Woodward, comical despots, corrupt Afghan despot, crazy bastard, crazy like a fox, crazy people, Hamid Karzai, Hamid Karzai is batshit crazy, nutbag, Obama's War, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, the enemy of my enemy is my friend, treachery, United States of America, with friends like these

By Smaktakula

Crazy? Crazy Like A Fox. A Fox That's Really, Really Crazy.

Investigative reporter Bob Woodward’s soon-to-be-published book, Obama’s War, contains a number of revelations which may be embarrassing for the Obama administration.  One such embarrassing detail has nothing at all to do with President Obama or the United States, but concerns an important, if odious ally: corrupt Afghan despot Hamid Karzai.

Obama’s War confirms the long-standing rumors that in addition to being despotic, treacherous and short, Karzai is straight-up crazy.

Man, The Discovery Channel Really Pissed That Guy Off

02 Thursday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Corporate Culture, Crime, Critters, Culture, General Foolishness, Justice, National Events, North America, People, Relationships, Terrorism

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

assfaces who write manifestos, batshit crazy, crazy people, death by sniper, Discovery Channel, douchebaggery, environmentalism, James Lee, James Lee was batshit crazy, loveless loners, Old Yeller, Shark Week, Terrorism

By Smaktakula

Self-loathing nutjob James Lee stormed into the Discovery Channel offices Wednesday looking for justice.  Instead, the environmental radical bumbled his way into a delicious pile of irony.

Lee’s apparent purpose was to serve as a sort of homicidal spokesperson for nature.  The police obliged by shooting him down like a dog.

"Another Thing: Why Can't We Have 52 Weeks Of SHARK WEEK?" We Hear You, Brother.

Bonus: There’s one less nasty human messing up the planet.  Way to take one for the team, Jim!

People Actually Believe That? Ramtha And The Lizard-Beasts Of Mt. Rainier

24 Thursday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Critters, Cults, Culture, General Foolishness, Mythology, National Events, People

≈ 20 Comments

Tags

72 black-eyed virgins, batshit crazy, Brahma, clairvoyance, copper, cultists, eruption, Immaculate Conception, JZ Knight, Lemuria, lizard men, metahuman abilities, Mt. Rainier, psychokinesis, Ramtha, Ramtha's School of Enlightenment, Ramthafarians, telepathy, Vishnu, volcanic activity, wacky religions, Washington State, Yelm

By Smaktakula

Religions have long been in the business of promulgating wacky theories: the Immaculate Conception, Lord Brahma’s birth from a lotus flower grown from Vishnu’s navel, the prospect of 72 black-eyed virgins upon martyrdom.  But some religions, unwilling to be lumped in with the merely slightly bizarre rank-and-file, go the extra mile to prove they’re just a little bit crazier than the rest.  The Ramtha Cult is one of these.        

JZ Knight founded Ramtha’s School of Enlightenment in Yelm, Washington back in 1987.  Knight is lucky enough to be the host of Ramtha, a 35,000 year old Lemurian warrior.        

A Howler Monkey + The Joker = JZ Knight

Knight conducts Ramtha workshops all over the world, and the church currently boasts a membership of more than 6,000 cultists.  This brain-trust believes that with Ramtha’s teachings, they will some day be able to develop fantastic super-powers such as telepathy, clairvoyance and psychokinesis, as well as other improbable metahuman abilities.        

Thinks: "Wicca Is An Equally Ridiculous, But Slightly Less Expensive Waste Of Time."

However, the Ramtha Cult is hardly the first pseudo-church to promise fantastic abilities to the most rigorous adherents.  What catapults the Ramthafarians into stratospheric-level crazy is the Sinister Secret of Mt. Rainier.        

This terrible piece of lore was lost for thousands of years, but was recovered through the valiant efforts of Ramtha, Knight and their legion of cultists.  Thanks to the lightning-fast exchange of data in the information era, this knowledge can at last be made public.        

An evil and ancient race of lizard men dwells in the dark and secret places under the earth.  These foul, carnage-driven demons would love nothing more than to go medieval on the human race.  For millenia, they have been trapped in their dark environs, festering with unconsummated rage against humanity, of which generations rose and fell, ignorant of the threat beneath their feet.        

However, Ramtha, through his prophet JZ Knight has revealed that on an unspecified but very near date, Rainier will erupt with an heretofore unknown fury, laying waste to much of the surrounding areas.  Those who die quickly will be the lucky ones.  The rest of humanity will fall victim to the lizard men’s rapine abuses.        

Yelm lies in the shadow of Mt. Rainier, and thus on the first line of defense against the reptilian onslaught.  Ramthafarians have prepared for this eventuality, however, and have lined their homes with the one substance which can drive away or conquer the ravening lizard-beasts: copper.        

Copper. Really? That's The Best You Could Come Up With?

   

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Crazy Bastard Thwarted In Bid For Awesome, Meaningful Death

17 Thursday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, International Relations, Justice, Middle East, Military, Mythology, National Events, People, Terrorism, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

ailing nutjob, batshit crazy, Bucket-List Rambo, Colorado, crazy bastard, crazy fucker, death by exposure, drugs, Gary Brooks Faulkner, hashish, Nutty Buddy, Osama bin Laden, Pakistan, Pakistani forces, patriots, reckoning, Terrorism, the last sentence is positively Faulknerean, This Ends Here!, Usama Bin Laden, vendettas

Ailing nutjob Gary Brooks Faulkner apparently decided that if his time was short, he’d do his damnedest to drag Osama bin Laden down to hell with him.  Supplied only with the essentials–pistol & ammo, dagger, night-vision goggles and hashish–this nutty buddy somehow made his way from Colorado to Pakistan to go mano a mano with the FBI’s most-wanted man.         

Reportedly, Faulkner didn’t waste valuable energy and time attempting to determine friend from foe.   Anyone foolish enough to approach the Bucket-List Rambo received the same response: wild-eyed death threats.         

Sadly, Pakistani forces managed to capture Faulkner after a tense standoff.  In doing so, they denied this patriotic and batshit crazy American the honor of laying down his life in a knife fight with a cadre of bin Laden’s elite guards, while their master huddles cowering behind them; or of tumbling off a sheer cliff while locked in a death-embrace with bin Laden himself, perhaps voicing a cool exit line like, Neither of us comes back from this one, Osama; or as is a lot more likely, a lonely death from exposure in the vast and trackless wilderness of Pakistan, Faulkner’s final hours haunted by delirium and a maddening thirst, huddling pathetically in the meager shade provided by a boulder while hurling increasingly weak and nonsensical curses at the punishing sun.         

No One Here Gets Out Alive

Is One More Crazy Fucker In Pakistan Really Such A Big Deal? American Detained in Pakistan Had Sights on bin Laden – NYTimes.com.         

Smaktakula

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Saudi Clerics Advocate Adult Breast-Feeding

10 Thursday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Food, Health, Islam, Middle East, People, Relationships, Religion

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

adult breast-feeding, batshit crazy, dirty pillows, lactating, Milk Mullahs, mommy issues, Oedipus Rex, Saudi clerics, wacky mullahs, WTF?

Seriously, there isn’t a thing we could do or say that would make this any more batshit crazy.

Make Sure You’re Facing East When You Do It: Saudi Clerics Advocate Adult Breast-Feeding – AOL News.

Smaktakula 

News Of The Duh: Hostile North Korea May Present Threat To Peace

31 Monday May 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, Culture, Duh, International Relations, Military, People, Politics, Relationships, World Affairs

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

appeasement, batshit crazy, Cheonan, China, comical despots, Japan, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-il is batshit crazy, News of the Duh, North Korea, So Ronery, South Korea, Team America: World Police, torpedo attack

The Leaders of Japan, South Korea and China held a summit recently to discuss North Korea’s unprovoked torpedo attack on the South Korean vessel, the Cheonan.

Apparently, one objective of the summit was to determine whether North Korea’s action, which resulted in the Cheonan’s sinking and the loss of 46 sailors, was a threat to peace.

They determined that it was.

So Ronery? Ronery Rike A Fox!

See These Three Wise Men Try To Find Their Posteriors With Both Hands And A Flashlight: BBC News – Asian trio say Cheonan sinking is threat to peace.

Smaktakula

Milton Bradley Is Batshit Crazy

17 Monday May 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Baseball, Games, General Foolishness, Health, People, Relationships, Sports

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

anger management, Baseball, batshit crazy, booby hatch, I Kill You!, Milton Bradley, nutty as a fruitcake, personal issues, Seattle Mariners, unfortunately-named celebrities

Milton Bradley has asked for some time off from the Seattle Mariners to focus on his personal issues.

Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut . . .

Get well soon, Dear Friend.

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