Tag Archives: hussies

Keep That Kidney To Yourself, Whore!

20 Monday Feb 2012

Posted by in News, Science

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By Smaktakula

Ironically, You Can Only Donate Life If You Haven't Had Much Of One Yourself.

It’s easy to forget the impact that organ transplants have had on society. Medical science has advanced to such a degree that it now seems routine to cut the organs from a dying man or woman and transplant them into the body of a patient who, without the procedure, would otherwise die. There are thousands of people today who owe their very lives to men and women whose names they will never know.

Despite the dizzying progress of our science, human behavior has yet to make the same quantum leap.  Because increasingly fewer people are opting to become organ donors, the demand for transplants far outpaces the availability of suitable organs.

The Hooker With A Heart Of Gold. It's A Very Serious Medical Condition.

If a Centers for Disease Control recommendation is implemented, quality organs will become even more rare. The venerable health organization takes very seriously its responsibility to ensure that only the pinkest, healthiest organs get sewn into recipients. To meet this end,the CDC has devised several screening methods to weed out potential undesirables and plague-carriers. Relying heavily on statistics, the organization has identified several high-risk groups, such as convicts, whose members are barred from organ donation.  However, in a move sure to stoke the ire of pro-skank activists around the globe, the CDC has issued recommendations barring persons of a slutty nature from donating organs.

Sadly, Ron Jeremy Will Most Likely Not Be Allowed To Donate, And His Magnificent Organ Will Die With Him.

Smaktakula’s lonely and isolated existence would make him a perfect candidate to donate his organs, if only doctors weren’t so hung up about sclerosis. ∞ T.

Raping Justin Bieber

04 Friday Nov 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Entertainment, News

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By Smaktakula

We're Not Saying He Was Asking For It, But Did Justin Really Have To Dress Like That?

I can prove to you that rape is funny.  Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd.

George Carlin

By her own admission, Mariah Yeater is a predator.  She has repeatedly boasted to anyone who will listen about the events of October 25, 2010, when Yeater says she snatched away a young boy’s innocence, trampling it beneath her Crocs.  Just another San Diego statistic.

Okay, Maybe After A Couple Drinks. We're Not Too Proud To Admit It.

But what happens when the rape victim is hairless hit factory Justin Bieber?  According to Yeater, who was nineteen at the time, she had her way with the underage popstar on “some sort of shelf” backstage, engaging in unprotected sex.  Although the attack lasted only thirty seconds, the damage left in its wake will not be quick in disappearing.  Adding a further layer of pathos to this tragedy, the rapist boasts that prior to the assault, Bieber had been a virgin.

Mariah Yeater: Apparently Justin Bieber Thinks He Can Do Better.

However, more egregious than Yeater’s crime itself is the way the unrepentant skank has behaved in the months following the attack.  By asserting that Bieber’s handlers chose her, plucking Yeater from the crowd and ushering her backstage, the callow hussy is essentially blaming the victim for her crime–the old ‘he was asking for it’ canard.  Moreover, Yeater has apparently produced an offspring, claiming improbably that Bieber’s body is somehow able to produce seminal fluid, and that some portion of that fluid was exchanged to produce the aforementioned child.  Bieber, for whom puberty is still a handful of years away, denies the charges.

michael jackson 6

Like Bieber, This Ancient Egyptian Mummy Knows The Pain Of False Paternity Accusations. Billie Jean Was Not His Lover, But Rather Just A Girl Who Claimed He Was The One. To His Grave He Steadfastly Maintained That The Kid Was Not His Son. SHAMON!

What will happen next is anyone’s guess.  Perhaps Yeater’s claims will be proven correct, and it will be revealed that by some unfathomable combination of perverted science and unholy witchcraft Bieber was able to produce a child through sexual intercourse with a human female, and if so, we pray that Yeater will be charged as a rapist.  Or, as is a lot more likely, Yeater’s justice will come not from the courts, but rather at the end of a rope, a warning to other floozies not to mess with the Beliebers’ beloved.

"Bitch, You Are So Fucking Dead!"

Porky-Pig-Concerned.jpg image by brewsben8

Things We Think About: Time Travel (Again)

01 Thursday Sep 2011

Posted by in History, Science

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By Smaktakula

A Professor Can Expect Impressionable Students To Laugh At His Jokes, Even If They've Heard "Dick-In-A-Box" Before.

Promethean Times has previously weighed in on some hitherto unexplored aspects of time-travel theory, but the highly theoretical field remains open to examination.  For example, another cool thing to do with a time-travel machine would be to go back in time to the mid-to-late Sixties and adopt the identity of a hip, young college professor.   The high incidence of naive but recently-sexually-liberated coeds away from home for the first time would provide virtually unlimited carnal possibilities.

Every One A Wanton Hussy.

An inexpert analysis of the scenario might create the erroneous impression that these time-shattering endeavors would be more fruitfully spent as a rock star.  True, musicians on the whole pull a higher quantity of ass than do academicians, but a professor can expect a staggering 45% less skank from his slightly smaller take.  Plus, an educator’s career can last for decades.  There’s no tenure for a one-hit wonder.

We Wouldn't Brag About This One, Guys.

Reality Skank ‘Devastated’ By Nudie Pix

28 Monday Feb 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Is There A Red-Blooded Male Out There Who HASN'T Asked Himself At Least Once, "What Would That Thing Look Like Naked?"

Overpaid hussy Amber Portwood is said to be ‘devastated’ by the recent release of several compromising pictures, which have rapidly gone viral.  The untalented reality star claims that the nude photos, which she labels “non-sexual,” were stolen from her phone by a trusted friend.

In this instance, feelings of pity for Ms. Portwood can be forgiven.  It is no doubt painful that she has not been compensated for these tasteful portraits, and that potentially millions of curiosity-seekers will “enjoy” her lackluster physique for no more than the cost of an internet connection, or in some cases, a library card.

Moreover, Portwood’s claim that the pictures are non-sexual is strengthened by the photographic evidence.  After viewing the images, it’s difficult to imagine that even the most maladjusted window-peeper could be aroused by these photos.

By The Time Amber Mounts Her 'Comeback' As A Porno Oddity, That Tattoo Will Look Even More Like Rosanne Barr Than It Already Does.

Given that a boob job is pretty much an eventuality for Portwood, we’re curious as to why she didn’t wait to take these pictures until she’d undergone the procedure, and in doing so avoid looking like a nine-year-old boy. ∞T.