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Tag Archives: celebrity deaths

Headlines: Shaking And Stirred

20 Monday Jan 2014

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, Culture, Headlines, News, Philosophy, Politics, Religion, Science, Sport

≈ 18 Comments

Tags

air travel, alcoholism, Alzheimer's, Arkansas, atomic bomb, Australia, ballet, celebrity deaths, conspiracy theories, Dick Cheney, don't hate us because we're ignorant, dope, drunken Irishmen, Erich Priebke, fear of flying, grass, hemp, Hinduism, homosexuality, Iran, Italy, James Bond, JFK, Julia Gillard, Kanye West, Kim Kardashian, LBJ, male figure skaters, marijuana, Mexico, muslims, N-Word, Nazis, New York City, North Carolina, one Carolina is enough, Paul Walker, poor vocational choices, pot, reefer, Saltine crackers, sexism, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Social Security, stupid people, Suzanne Somers, SWAT, sweet sweet cheeba, the French, Time, untalented stars, Walmart, weed

By Smaktakula

We Believe It Is Vitally Important To Treat An Issue With The Same Respect You Would Accord To Any Other Issue.

In which we celebrate our awe-inspiring ignorance by commenting on the headlines to articles we can’t be bothered to read.

***

The Reasons Kim and Kanye Picked The Name “ North ” May Surprise You ~ So it isn’t because they’re both brain-dead half-wits? Because, yeah–anything else WOULD be a surprise.

America’s new Irish immigrants ~ Every bit as drunken and shiftless as the last batch.

Vote: Should Marijuana Users Be Arrested? ~ Hmm. You know, a better question might be, “Should you go fuck yourself?” You already know our answer.

Ark. SWAT officers kill man, 107, in standoff ~ Seems like maybe they could have waited around for just a little while and let nature do the messy work for them.

Seahorses stalk their prey by stealth ~ As opposed to the many, many animals which prefer to stalk their prey by making a god-awful racket.

Docs explain why James Bond prefers his martinis ‘shaken, not stirred’ ~ Because James Bond has a very serious drinking problem, and his friends are terrified to talk to him about it.

“Sorry, Chap–I Missed That Last Bit–Something About Drinking, I Think. And Did I Tell You About My License To Kill? Yeah, They Just Let Me Shoot Whomever I Please. It’s Great–I Don’t Even Have To Give A Reason. But Please–Do Go On.”

The Ridiculous Things Lost On NYC Trains ~ We don’t consider a 14-year-old’s virginity to be at all ridiculous.

Why We Cry on Planes ~ Because we–and here I mean me–are fucking terrified. Also uncomfortable. Seriously, can they design passenger class to accommodate the 5’8″-and-over crowd? And loosen up on the pot thing, of course.

Does doing yoga make you a Hindu? ~ We dunno. Does blowing shit up make you a Muslim?

Why A Peanut Butter Test For Alzheimer’s Might Be Too Simple ~ For the same reason that the Saltine Cracker AIDS test was a bust.

5 comments never to say to someone who’s grieving ~ “You poor dear! Look at the mess he left you; no matter how many times you scrub, you just can’t get gray matter out of chintz curtains–Lord knows how I’ve tried.”

Can TIME Predict Your Politics? ~ TIME is just People Magazine with a world leader on the cover. Grow up.

“But What Do The Kardashians Feel Is The Best Solution To Stem The Seemingly Intractable Internecine Bloodshed In South Sudan?”

Paul Walker’s Last Words Revealed ~ “YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

Would You Date a Much Younger Man? ~ How much younger? ‘Cause at a certain point, it starts to get a little…you know…illegal.

Atomic bomb nearly exploded over North Carolina in 1961, report says ~ Which would have been awful, sure–but we’d still have South Carolina. It’s not like we need ’em both, anyway; in a pinch, we could make do with just one Carolina.

Why I shun the Champs Elysees ~ Because it’s infested with Frenchmen. Duh.

The 4 Dangers Destroying Men ~ 1) Women, 2) Ladies, 3) Chicks, and in the case of gay men, 4) Gal Pals.

Restaurant Report: Chinese buffet facing violations ~ Well, if it met health and safety standards, it just wouldn’t be a Chinese buffet, now would it?

“Taste Just Like Chicken!”

5 simple things a tired mama wants for Christmas ~ Baby, I got everything you need right here in my pants–it’s a gift certificate for the day spa. You’re so special!

LBJ’s reaction to JFK’s death ~ “Hah! We got that son of a bitch!”

What Julia Gillard did for Australia and sexism ~ Although Ms. Gillard has suffered a setback, her greatest legacy may have been to pound the final nail in the coffin of sexism. As she walks off into the sunset, political observers everywhere will no doubt take a moment or two to appreciate her cute little backside.

Cheney Feared Terrorists Could Hack His Heart ~ Are you reading this, Hamid?

Suzanne Somers is having sex — and a lot of it ~ Titillating is to disgusting as 1981 is to 2014.

Figure skating champ Boitano says he’s gay ~ It’s hard to say how this stunning revelation will play out in the hyper-masculine world of men’s figure skating.

It May Not Be This Year, Or Even The Next, But Someday Men’s Figure Skating Will Have To Embrace Tolerance.

Whether you like it or not, the U.S. needs Mexico ~ It’s like the pretty girl who brings her ugly friend to parties.

Iran says all sides agree to N-deal ~ But still, no one can actually bring themselves to say the N-Word.

Erich Priebke, Nazi Who Carried Out Massacre of 335 Italians, Dies at 100 ~ Hopefully this will put it in perspective for you: God doesn’t care about Italians.

Am I Bankrupting Social Security by Taking Benefits I May Not Need? ~ Heavens, no! Cowardly politicians are bankrupting it by refusing to address it in any meaningful way.

Woman’s Husband Told Her She’s Not Pretty Enough ~ Still looking for the last honest man?

You Won’t Believe the Jobs Walmart Is Creating ~ Shitty ones.

Well, How Can You Be Trusted To Help Me When You Can’t Be Trusted To Make Sound Career Choices?

Somehow–Some Way–We Will Go On

06 Saturday Apr 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, Literature, News

≈ 18 Comments

Tags

Africa, Celebrity Death Watch, celebrity deaths, Chinua Acbebe, famous for nothing, film critics, low-brow entertainment, reality television, Roger Ebert, Shane Gandee, Things Fall Apart, those who can't do become critics

By Smaktakula

“Now Who Will Tell Me What To Think Of The Movies I Watch?”

The world has lost two very special people in recent days, both of whom made significant contributions to popular culture and the arts. There will be others who will follow in the trails these men blazed and perhaps forge paths of their own, leading us into mysterious lands yet undreamed. But never again will we see the likes of these two.

Shane Gandee: The cretinous reality TV yob is believed to have perished along with two other yokels of carbon monoxide poisoning.

His Corpse Was Discovered In A Twenty-Year-Old Pickup Partially Submerged In Mud, So You Know He Died Doing What He Loved, Y’All.

Roger Ebert: The beloved film critic and prosthetics enthusiast succumbed to a lengthy battle with cancer.

After Penning The Cult Oddity “Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls,” Ebert Realized His Was Genius Lay Not In Creating Films, But In Telling People How To Feel About Films Other People Created.

Goodbye, dear friends, goodbye. The arts are poorer for your loss.

Also, for the sake of completeness, some dude from Africa, Chinua Achebe, kicked off a couple of weeks ago. No, we hadn’t heard of him either–he wrote a book or something.

Well, Sure–He May Have Been The Greatest Literary Voice In The History Of An Entire Continent, But Roger Ebert Was The Greatest Movie Critic In The Whole World.

Headlines: Great Big Boobs & A Phyllis Diller Smile

24 Friday Aug 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Entertainment, History, News, Politics, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 25 Comments

Tags

Anaheim Angels, avoiding responsibility, Barack Obama, binge drinking, black people, breast implants, breastuses, celebrity deaths, childish sexual innuendo, comical despots, death penalty, DUI, fun with stereotypes, great white shark, Greece, headlines, Holocaust, Japan, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Joe Biden, Kim Jong-un, Kylie Minogue, legitimate rape, Mary Kay, Mitt Romney, Molly Ringwald, North Korea, peanuts, Phyllis Diller, racism, Rally Monkey, rape, Sikhs, Snoopy, Spongebob Squarepants, Tampa Bay Rays, Taylor Swift, Teletubbies, Ukraine, untalented authors, white people, whitey, your mother must be very proud

By Smaktakula

Back In Our Bachelor Days, We Read Certain Sections Of The Paper.

***

In which we indulge both our love of talking out of our asses and our shameful laziness by commenting on the headlines while leaving the actual reading to you.

***

Why Romney is so unpopular with black voters ~ Besides running against the black guy you mean?

Dearborn Police, Religious Groups Urge Awareness, Action in Wake of Sikh Temple Shooting ~ We love their new slogan: “Racism Makes Me Sikh!”

Mom Raising Money to See Daughter’s Killer Executed ~ It’s what Joylinda would have wanted her mom to do. Seriously, she was a very vindictive girl.

What Happens When You Get Sick Overseas ~ That depends. If, for example, you get sick someplace like the United Kingdom, you go to a hospital and likely get better. However, if you fall ill in a dusty backwater like Chad, at the very least you’re gonna lose a leg.

Comedian Phyllis Diller dies ‘with a smile’ ~ “Oh my God, that is just so fucking creepy. Did you ask the funeral director if he can do anything about that?”

“The Thing We’ll Always Cherish About Phyllis Is…The–Ah–The Thing We’ll Always Cherish…Look, Can Somebody Pull A Sheet Over That Thing So I Can Get Through This?”

Crocs Co-Founder Blames Taylor Swift at His DUI Arrest ~ No doubt–we’d try to pin the Holocaust on that warbling ear cancer if we thought we could make it stick.

I Was a Mary Kay Sales Girl: How I Barely Broke Even ~ By being a barely competent saleslady.

Police: Mom Left Kids in Crashed Car While She Got Naked, Ate Ice Cream ~ Okay, but before you judge, try to put the episode into context. After going through the trauma of an automobile accident, would it have benefitted those kids one bit to see their bare-assed mama slurping down some cookies & cream? Trust us–she did those kids a favor.

Rays rally from 8 runs down to beat Angels 10-8 ~ We’re pretty sure they’re gonna fire the marketing guy responsible for greenlighting “Let The Fucking Rally Monkey Close Out The Game” Night.

Women’s financial power grows faster than savvy ~ Are you saying that gals have more cash than brains? Oh no you don’t!–don’t go putting words into OUR mouths. We were asking you.

How to Be a Modern-Day Dictator ~ Practice innovative e-despotism by inviting your potential victims to join the Harare Massacre page on Facebook.

Bro–That Shit Was OFF THE HOOK!

Starting a Business With an Eight-Year-Old? This Mom Did ~ Ask her how she did it! On most days you’ll find her at the campground off Highway 41, living in the back of her 1997 Suzuki Swift.

For Palm Springs man, grief and anger over an end-of-life decision ~ Whereas most people find end-of-life decisions to be full of whimsy and wonder.

Score One for the Gun Lobby ~ Which can only mean that someone has died.

The Love Goddess Who Keeps Right on Seducing ~ Is a leathery Scranton bar-hag named Debbie. It’s a long and rather sad story, but she was very beautiful once.

Was Biden’s ‘back in chains’ comment to black voters intentional? ~ People, you should know by now–not a single word coming out of that man’s mouth is intentional.

Ukrainian Group Wants to Ban Spongebob and Teletubbies for Homosexuality and Idiocy, Respectively ~ Which just shows you how backward Ukrainians are. As it happens, Spongebob is entertainment for half-wits and it’s the Teletubbies who are the homos.

Spongebob Squarepants: Completely Gay–Just Not The Homosexual Kind.

Jean-Claude Van Damme Admits To Affair With Kylie Minogue … ~ No, that’s bragging. If we hear the story from a humiliated, chastened Minogue, then it’s an admission.

‘Legitimate rape’ rarely leads to pregnancy, claims US Senate candidate ~ He’s right though. Throughout the whole of recorded history, there has NEVER been an instance of legitimate rape resulting in pregnancy. It turns out there’s not actually such a thing as legitimate rape–it remains fucking heinous in every instance.

Leaning Toward the Light: Molly Ringwald Talks About Her New Novel ~ You remember how the teacher sounded in those old ‘Snoopy’ specials?–WAH wah WAH WAH wah. That’s what we hear right now.

Photo: Did the Little Mermaid get plastic surgery? ~ The ‘Little Mermaid’ of myth & legend, you mean? You’re asking if a fictional character underwent a real-life procedure? No. No, she didn’t. However, Snow White did have that nasty third nipple removed.

Obama campaign’s spending outpaces its fundraising ~ That’s pretty much his economic model.

Binge Drinking College Students Report Being Happier ~ We enjoyed college immensely.

And Happy People Tend To Be Both Responsible And Respectful Of Others.

How Well You Sleep May Hinge on Race ~ ‘Cause whitey better be sleepin’ with one eye open!

Seals blamed for increased shark sightings, great white attack off Cape Cod ~ It’s always somebody or something else, isn’t it? Sharks need to man up a little and take some responsibility for the things they do.

Japan’s Latest Pop-Music Craze? Kids ~ Echoing the longtime sexual craze of Greece.

North Korea: Kim Jong Eun married to Ri Sol Ju ~ Wait? His wife’s name is ‘We Sold You?’ That makes no sense.

Who needs air bags when you have 38KKK breasts? ~ YOU do. A compulsion for self-mutilation is a very serious disorder, but it doesn’t give you the right to completely disregard your own safety.

Your Mom & Dad Must Just Be So Fucking Proud.

***

Have A Great Weekend, Folks!

Requiem For a Horshack

15 Wednesday Aug 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment, News

≈ 25 Comments

Tags

Brooklyn, celebrity deaths, closeted celebrities, come out John!, death by heart attack, John Travolta, Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs, Robert Hegyes, Ron Palillo, sweathogs, the black guy did it, untalented stars, Welcome Back Kotter

By Smaktakula

The Guy Who Played Horshak: Sometime-2012— He Had So Much More To Offer.

Ron Palillo, the sometime actor best known for playing the cretinous Arnold Horshak on the 1970s TV series Welcome Back Kotter has died of an apparent heart attack. Palillo and his co-stars Robert Hegyes, Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs and breakout star John Travolta portrayed the “Sweathogs,” four ethnically diverse, wise-cracking but sweet-hearted hoodlums from the mean streets of Brooklyn.

One Of These Actors Would Later Go On To Stardom. (It’s The Dude On The Right With The Jew-Fro)

The passing of this pop-culture nonentity might have escaped notice had it not been yet another incident in a string of tragic Sweathog-related events. 2012 has been a particularly bad year for three former Sweathogs. Hegyes, who played Juan Epstein, also died of an apparent “heart attack” in January. Travolta has been recently suffered a string of calamities, including the death of his son Jett, and his recent outing as a gay man accompanied by accusations of lewd conduct.

It’s Cool, Bro…We Kinda Figured.

Ask yourself–just who benefits from the death and ruination of these three men? The answer, though painful, is obvious.

“How Do You Like That? Every Time Somebody Dies, Motherfucker Starts Lookin’ At Me. That Ain’t Right.”

Witness The Fight You’ll Wish Both Men Could Lose: Screech vs. Horshak

Ernest Borgnine: Wasn’t Dead Before, Is Now

08 Sunday Jul 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Entertainment, News

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

Abe Vigoda, Abe Vigoda is not dead, celebrity deaths, Ernest Borgnine

By Smaktakula

Ernest Borgnine: Really Great In That Movie Or Movies That He Did.

Yeah, he just now died. So you probably want to apologize to that person with whom you were recently arguing about this very thing, and admit that you were wrong. Tell him that you were thinking of Abe Vigoda.

Not Actually Dead.

Sweathogs Begin To Die Off

27 Friday Jan 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment, News

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Celebrity Death Watch, celebrity deaths, death by heart attack, Horshack, Jewfro, John Travolta, Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs, Metuchen, Mr. Woodman's revenge, New Jersey, Robert Hegyes, sweathogs, Welcome Back Kotter

By Smaktakula

A Journey Of 1,000 Miles Begins With A Single Step.

Metuchen, NJ: Actor Robert Hegyes died in his home Thursday after apparently suffering a  heart attack. The Welcome Back, Kotter star was sixty years old.

Don't Pity Him, Kids--Time Will Have Its Way With You, Too.

Hegyes rose to fame in the 1970s playing Juan Epstein, a wiseacre Puerto Rican-Jewish street punk with an impressive Jewfro. Actors Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs (the black one), John Travolta (the successful one) and Horshack (Horshack) rounded out the ensemble cast of Kotter, which ran from 1976 to 1979. Despite its initial popularity, the show quickly lost steam when Travolta’s film career took off, and when viewers began to realize that the dead-end lives of four doomed, inner-city losers wasn’t so funny after all.

"I'm Gonna Die In A Drug Deal Gone Bad!" {CUE LAUGH TRACK}

In later years, Hegyes supported himself by teaching, and although he continued to act into the twenty-first century, never again found a role as iconic as Juan Epstein. Hegyes’ is survived by his two children. Today we, along with millions around the globe, share their grief, and give voice to the silent, angry question on so many minds: “Why couldn’t it have been Horshack?”

Put Your Arm Down, Ass-Chasm. Your Time Will Come.

"SOON..."

World Mourns Teena Marie

29 Wednesday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Music, News, Stupidity

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Celebrity Death Watch, celebrity deaths, Gilligan's Island, missed opportunities, mistaken identity, musicians, Teena Marie, Tina Louise, Tina Louise is not looking so good these days, Was it any funnier when it was Leslie Nielsen?

By Smaktakula

Teena Marie died on Sunday of as-yet unknown causes.  She will be missed by fans worldwide, not least by us.

To Our Thinking, The Male Castaways Squandered A Once-In-A-Lifetime Opportunity.

Leslie Nielsen’s Death Inspires Sadness, Confusion

01 Wednesday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Culture, News

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

A-Team, Anderson Cooper, Bill Pullman, Canada, Canadians named Leslie, Celebrity Death Watch, celebrity deaths, CNN, Evansville, George Peppard, Hollywood, Indiana, Jeff Daniels, Lee Marvin, Leslie Nielsen, Mission Impossible, Movies, Robert Graves, Steve Martin, Wild and Crazy Guy

By Smaktakula

Leslie Nielsen: 1926-2010

Evansville, Indiana:  Multiple injuries were reported Sunday night at Ye Owl & Boar Tavern in Evansville, stemming from a dispute surrounding the career of the late actor Leslie Nielsen.  The 84-year old star had died earlier in the day.

Despite Being A Canadian Named Leslie, Nielsen Could Turn On The Tough When He Had To.

Bartender Mort Travis described the argument which led to the brawl.  “The sound was off on the TV, but CNN announced that actor {Nielsen} had died.  Everybody was real sad about that.”  But things would not remain calm.  “Then Jimmy Durbin said the thing that started it all.”

According to several eyewitnesses, what Durbin is reported to have said was, “Of all the things that guy ever did, my favorite was ‘Mission Impossible.'”

"If You Believe In Yourself," Said Nielsen, "No Mission Is Impossible."

“That started everyone arguing,” says Travis, “Because Jimmy had the guy confused with another guy.  I’m pretty sure that guy {Nielsen} was in the A-Team.  You know who I’m talking about–not the black guy.”

Nielsen Remained In Demand During His Later Years By Always Bringing His A-Game.

The brawl resulted in several arrests and three hospitalizations.  However, by an hour before closing time, many of the fight’s participants were back upon their bar stools as if nothing had happened.

In all the confusion, it’s easy to overlook the salient fact underlying the fracas: a great actor and Hollywood legend has left us.  We’ll miss that wild and crazy guy!

"Well Excuuuuuuuuuse Me!"

Just think of the confusion which will arise when either Bill Pullman or Jeff Daniels dies.

Things Worth Hoping For: Bert and Ernie

26 Thursday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Critters, Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Humor, People, Relationships, Television

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Bert, Bert & Ernie, Bert is the man, celebrity breakups, Celebrity Death Watch, celebrity deaths, domestic violence, Ernie, firearm-related homicides, good manners, muppet-on-muppet violence, murder, proper behavior, Sesame Street, spousal abuse, the love which dare not speak its name

By Smaktakula

Even love has its limits.  How much longer can Bert endure Ernie’s unending cavalcade of tedious bullshit?   

Because Playing The Drums At 2 AM When Your Lover Is Trying To Sleep Is Very Rude, Ernie. Very, Very Rude.

God Finally Fires The Boss

13 Tuesday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Baseball, Culture, Games, National Events, People, Sports

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Baseball, Billy Martin finally gets his revenge, Celebrity Death Watch, celebrity deaths, douchebaggery, George Steinbrenner, magnificent bastard, New York Yankees, The Boss

George Steinbrenner 1930-2010: Never Have Magnificence And Douchebaggery Been So Effortlessly Entwined.

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