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Tag Archives: Josef Stalin

Headlines 10.02.12

02 Tuesday Oct 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Culture, History, News, Politics, Religion, Stupidity

≈ 35 Comments

Tags

"Junior", ADHD, America--Fuck Yeah!, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Barack Obama, bullies, Captain Underpants, congress, cyber-bullying, drugs, Europe, headlines, heroin, illiteracy is not funny!, imaginary racism, Islam, Josef Stalin, kiddie porn, Louisville, models, Mt. Everest, Occupy, racism, sex tape, tigers, UN, United Nations, United States of America, Why am I so fat?, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

See, Folks? Scientists Aren’t Any Smarter Than You Are, And Apparently Get Laid About As Frequently.

***

In which we opine on the headlines of the day without bothering to read the stories. It’s well-known that most news stories are written at no less than a sixth-grade level, and folks–we don’t read too good.

***

Racism could sway the election ~ Because–God knows–the first Western country to elect a black man as president just HAS to be a bigot’s paradise.

A day in the life of a New York Fashion Week model ~ Smoke cigarette. Breakfast: 2 Rye-Crisp crackers & Ex-Lax.  Smoke cigarette. Purge. Smoke some heroin. Nod out. Smoke cigarette. Purge. Repeat.

Does Louisville Need More Highways? ~ Does Louisville even have paved roads?

How Everest dream ended in tragedy ~ You know, it seems like an awful lot of them end that way. Maybe try a smaller mountain.

UN observers investigate reported Syria massacre ~ Their findings? “Somebody should do something about that.”

Despite Its Mind-Boggling, Unforgivably Heart-Breaking Impotence, The United Nations Has Yet To Meet Its Equal When It Comes To Hand-Wringing, Finger-Pointing And Speechifying.

Why Parents (and Teachers) Should Embrace Captain Underpants ~ So they can hold that wily fucker down until the cops arrive. Even one more child is one child too many.

Will the Occupy movement dissolve Spain’s parliament? ~ We wouldn’t put a lot of money on it. ‘Accomplishing stuff’ really wasn’t Occupy’s thing, you know?

Protests are as mindless as anti-Islam film ~ Right? Sure, the film hurt feelings, but those protests cost people their lives, so they’re equally bad!

What to Do If Your Child Is the Victim of Cyberbullying ~ Tell the little bitch to first pick himself up and grow a pair, then go outside to play with his real friends.

Europeans would re-elect Obama in a landslide: poll ~Gosh. It sure is hard to discount the political wisdom of the folks who within living memory happily put into office a dude so thoroughly heinous that he remains to this day the benchmark for bloodthirsty, mass-murdering madmen.

And Then, Of Course, There’s This Fellow. Did You Still Need A Few More Examples, Or Are You Content For The Time Being To Tend To Your Own Fucking Knitting?

The most important conversation you’ll ever have ~ Won’t be with the assbag sitting next to you on a long flight. But you already knew that.

Deciding When a Pet Has Suffered Enough ~ Mr. Mittens made the decision to shit on the carpet; we’ll decide when Mr. Mittens has suffered enough.

Anti-Islam Filmmaker Who Provoked Attacks Used Pseudonym ~ Wouldn’t you? Man, if there were such a thing as a prosthetic name, we’d be telling this guy to go right out and buy one.

Model Teacher Accused Of Sex With Student ~ AND she’s a model? Kid, you hit the fucking jackpot!

10 Medical Conditions Misdiagnosed as ADHD ~ Is “retardedness” a medical condition?

Schwarzenegger: Affair ‘stupidest thing’ he did while married ~ Are you sure the stupidest thing you did wasn’t starring in that movie ‘Junior?’ Because, seriously–that’s got to be right up there.

Cheating On The Fabulously-Wealthy Living Skeleton You Married Was Inarguably Dumb, But This!–This Remains An Affront To All That Is Good And Decent.

Congress has little motivation for compromise before election ~ Or after.

Class Reunion Letter Lists ‘White Graduates Only’ Party ~ We’re pretty sure that even had the school’s black alumni been invited to the party, most of them probably would have declined, as many no doubt live about 1,000,000 miles from that shithole, and moreover, will likely only be induced to return on the day that the devil sees his breath while standing on his own front porch.

A Terrifying Way to Discipline Children ~ Is acceptable if it gets the job done.

Teenagers Say Parents Text and Drive ~ Yeah, but how seriously can you take what they say? Teenagers can’t even be trusted to tell you where they were last night.

Exercising Won’t Help Overweight Children Shed Pounds: Study ~ Okay, first of all, bullshit. Secondly, please don’t tell them–it tickles us so to watch the fatties run.

No bowing necessary for Americans ~ And all it cost us was two atom bombs.

And You Know What? It Looks Like We’re Gonna Stay With Our Forks, Too.

Confronted about child porn, man shoots two deputies ~ They should have figured he’d be a little sensitive about that.

Will Starving Yourself Help You Live Longer? ~ As much as bleeding a lot will.

At Estée Lauder, a Brand Is Developed Just for China ~ It’s called “Estée Rauder.”

Woman Sues Ex Over Trove of Secret Tapes ~ Despite what the headline says, we’re inclined to believe that the woman’s lawsuit against her ex concerns a trove of very public tapes.

Man Mauled in Bronx Zoo Tiger Den ~ Both parties got their just desserts.

“He Wasn’t All That GRRRRRRRRRRREAT!”

The Candybomber: Weapons Of Mass Delight

01 Thursday Mar 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 31 Comments

Tags

Allies, Axis, Berlin, Berlin Airlift, bravery, Candybomber, comical despots, David Hasselhoff, do-gooders, East Berlin, Gail Halvorsen, Germany, Japan, Josef Stalin, Mormons, ne'er-do-wells, Onkel Wackelflügel, Operation Little Vittles, ridiculous German words, ugly Americans, Uncle Wiggly-Wings, unfortunate names, United States of America, US Air Force, USSR, Utah, West Berlin, WWII

By Smaktakula

Conventional Wisdom Tells Us That It’s Wrong In Every Instance To Bomb Children. Conventional Wisdom Isn’t Always Correct.

Typically the characters to be found skulking through the pages of Promethean Times are a dark and sorry lot of maladjusted degenerates, ne’er-do-wells and comical third-world despots. And yet, history sometimes offers those examples of human endeavor which are not only significant and worthwhile, but also–rarest of all–interesting. We present to you, the Candybomber. If sweetheartery were an award (or even a real word), the Candybomber would be a perennial winner.

Get Yourself Some Jobs, You Master-Race Malingerers!

Although many younger readers many not be aware, Americans have not always been despised around the globe as arrogant behemoths trampling the rest of the world beneath their overpriced Nikes. There was a time, only a few short generations ago, when America was revered as a bastion of hope, and a force for good in a bleak and increasingly repressive world. As the occupying forces in Germany and Japan following their defeat at the end of WWII, a generation of earnest and well-meaning young men served to bolster this impression. The former enemies were disarmed by the Americans’ kindness, generosity and magnanimity, and in this the Allies achieved a victory far greater than anything they were able to accomplish with military means. That Japan and Germany are today stable, democratic–and for more than a half-century, peaceful–republics, is in some ways a credit to these exemplary young men.

Dude, You Know They’re Gonna Expect Us To Act Like This From Now On.

But Gail Halvorsen, the Candybomber, stands head and shoulders above them all. Despite the cruel handicap of being a dude with a chick’s name, in 1948 the young pilot exploded into the hearts and minds of young Germans, who, though now well into middle-age, still revere the Candybomber to this day.

The Candybomber Is A Lot Like David Hasselhoff In That The Germans Love Him. The Difference Is That The Candybomber Did Something To Earn Their Affection.

In 1948, Soviet Premier Josef Stalin sealed off West Berlin (as the nice part of Berlin was then known), hoping to starve out the fledgling democratic republic. The Allies, under the leadership of American President Harry S Truman, began an heroic, round-the-clock operation to ferry supplies to the beleaguered krauts. This operation, known as the Berlin Airlift, proved an historic success, forcing Stalin to ‘blink’ in May of 1949, lifting the embargo.

We’re Not Sure How To Write ‘IN YOUR FACE!’ In The Cyrillic Alphabet, So The Sentiment Will Have To Suffice.

Halvorsen, however, wanted to do more for the war-wearied children he saw lining the fences around the airbase. The nice Mormon boy from Utah hit upon an idea that was an instant winner: he attached small parachutes to bags of candy he had purchased himself, and his plane approached Berlin, would toss them from  his plane to the grateful children below. To differentiate his plane from the dozens arriving every hour, he would dip his wings before releasing his payload, earning him the typically ridiculous German nickname Onkel Wackelflügel (Uncle Wiggly-Wings).

You’ll Want To Step Back A Bit, Kids. That’s Not Candy.

Rumor has it that upon hearing of Halvorsen’s actions, his Air Force superiors ordered him to stop. However, someone up the food chain quickly comprehended the PR goldmine which had fallen into Allied hands thanks to Halvorsen’s do-gooderism. The Allies ran with it, and ‘Operation Little Vittles’ was born, magnifying Halvorsen’s individual act of kindness on a grand scale. It remains one of the most unheralded–and successful–American PR campaigns in history.

For Real, Folks–We’re Not All Bad.

News of The Duh: Russia Declared ‘Mafia State’

06 Monday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Alexander Litvinenko, Anna Politkovskaya, China, Cold War, death by bullet, death by ice pick, death by radiation, despots, Dmitry Medvedev, Jose Gonzales, Josef Stalin, journalists, KGB, killing journalists, Leon Trotsky, Mafia, mafia state, News of the Duh, political assassination, political killing, Polonium-210, radiation sickness, repression of dissent, Russia, Spain, United States of America, Vladimir Putin, What a country!, WikiLeaks, Yakov Smirnoff

By Smaktakula

Wildly Funny Russian Comedian Yakov Smirnoff Once Compared His Adopted Homeland With The Country Of His Birth, Saying, "In America, You Can Always Find A Party. In Russia, Party Finds You."

Revelations from the most recent round of WikiLeaks.org releases have stunned the international community.  Among them are documents in which a Spanish prosecutor termed Russia a “virtual mafia state,” and said that he “cannot differentiate between the activities of the government and organized crime groups.”

Like Many Anti-Putin Journalists, Anna Politkovskaya Was The Victim Of An Unlucky Accident. The Elevator In Which She Was Riding Malfunctioned And Shot Her Four Times.

The prosecutor, Jose Gonzales could not be reached for comment.  This is largely due to safety concerns for anyone foolish enough to come within 100 feet of the doomed Spaniard.  Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, an expert on Russian statecraft, said, “Mr. Gonzales has made an enemy of the Putin government,” adding that in 1940, Stalin’s government had gone to great lengths to plant an ice pick in Leon Trotsky’s skull, “He’s pretty much fucked.”

"You See That Guy? When I Was In Seventh Grade, That Guy Was The Editor Of The School Paper, And He'd Always Misspell My Name 'Poopin.' You Still Think You're Funny, Mr. Funny Newspaper Guy?"

Further allegations in the leaked documents border upon the fantastic.  So-called “oil experts” cited in the diplomatic cables allege that Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin amassed at least some portion of his vast fortune through extralegal means.

Russian President and Putin stooge Dmitry Medvedev was quick to dismiss the allegations as “cynicism,” explicitly pointing to the US.  Medvedev further indicated that Putin’s longtime involvement with law-enforcement as a KGB officer makes him especially sensitive to the delicate questions of personal liberty.

This Putin Critic Died Of Radiation Sickness. What Did He Think Would Happen When He Unknowingly Ingested Polonium-210?

Russian journalists had this to say regarding the allegations:

. . .

 

"Come on--I Swear I Won't Be Mad. Seriously. Just Tell Me Who Said That. No, Really--I Think It's Totally Funny What Was Said And I Just Want To Know Who Said It, That's All. Come On, Tell Me."

The Cold War is over, and its authors long dead.  A New World Order rises, one in which the United States and fellow democracies Russia and China will share the responsibilities for creating the harmonious future we all deserve.  Until then, demonizing Russia’s tyrannical overlord is not only foolish, but possibly unfounded.  Unless Putin’s critics can produce a reliable witness, one who can be relied upon not to die prematurely, there’s little evidence that Putin is anything other than the gentleman he purports to be.

WHAT A COUNTRY!

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