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~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

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Tag Archives: Russia

Headlines: I Was A Caveman’s Love-Puppet

03 Monday Feb 2014

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, Headlines, History, Literature, Music, News, Philosophy, Politics, Religion, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

ADHD, Africa, alcoholism, backwater shithole, bad parents, bees, Benjamin Franklin, bigfoot, breastuses, cannabis, Cee-Loo Green, cheating, childish sexual innuendo, cryptids, death by party bus, death by smoking, don't hate us because we're ignorant, dope, drugs, economics, ecstasy, environmental crisis, exotic dancers, fibromyalgia, Friends, gay people, Germany, God, grass, hemp, Jane Austen, Justin Bieber, Kool-Aid, Lance Armstrong, legalize it, marijuana, Mexico, MILFs, monster trucks, Nazi Germany, neanderthals, New Jersey, opposable thumbs, Oprah Winfrey, performance-enhancing drugs, places that suck, Playboy, pornography, pot, pr0n, reefer, refugees, Russia, Russians sure like that vodka, sexism, short people, skonks, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, smoking, strippers, stupid people, sweet sweet cheeba, the abysmal state of American public education, transplants, United States of America, weed, West Virginia, Why am I so stupid?, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

We Quite Literally Regard It As Something Of A Miracle That The World Is Peopled By So Many Strange And Beautiful Creatures For Us To Poke Fun At.

In which we talk a lot of shit.

***

15-year-old girl caught stripping for the 2nd time ~ You think THAT’S bad? We heard that last year a 14-year-old was caught stripping at the same place!

Why Wasn’t West Virginia Better Prepared for Massive Spill? ~ Look, if those cretinous hillbillies can’t get their heads around indoor plumbing, don’t you think that expecting them to tackle a massive environmental disaster is asking a bit much?

The Science Behind Bigfoot and Other Monsters ~ Is called “junk science.”

What would it take for Justin Bieber to get deported? ~ An ugly sort of populism more at home in Nazi Germany than in the US of A.

What You Should NEVER Say To a Fibromyalgia Patient ~ “Oh, yeah–I had a crazy aunt who had one of those made-up diseases, too.”

‘Tits McGee’: Growing Up With Big Boobs ~ It distracts a little from the very serious nature of your subject when you tag your headline with one of the all-time funniest nicknames ever created for an amply-endowed lass.  However, it’s perfectly understandable that you don’t appreciate the appellation’s amusing nature, as we imagine that even after all these years you still fail to see the humor in it.

Hey, Look At The Bright Side, Chesty–Not Many People Can Claim They’re A Human Life-Jacket.

My Dad Will Never Stop Smoking Pot ~ Son, Daddy uses this forum to write silly jokes about the headlines to news stories he can’t be bothered to read. I appreciate you voicing your concerns, but we’ll talk about this a little later in private–okay, Sport?

HumanBrainCellsMakeMiceSmarter ~ But lacking opposable thumbs, they still can’t work the damn space bar on the keyboard.

Absolutely, positively, no “Friends” reunion in the works ~ The proof of a kind and loving God is everywhere, if you only look for it.

Lance Armstrong Tells Oprah Winfrey Why He Doped ~ “Well, you see, Oprah, I made a lot more money when I won races, and the boys in R&D crunched some numbers and they discovered that I seemed to win more races when I was a chemically enhanced super-human. So, really–it was kind of a no-brainer.”

NJ teen dies after sticking head out of a party bus ~ The Garden State mourns one of its best & brightest.

Playboy: Still Sexist After All These Years ~ And sexism has no place in the protein-starched pages of a men’s pornographic magazine!

Ha! Well What Did She Think Would Happen When She Decided To Do Something Besides Teach School Until She Caught A Husband?

Suspect Showed Cool During Inquiry ~ Said a police spokesperson: “We knew pretty early on that anyone that cool just couldn’t be guilty.”

Passion for vodka kills Russian men in their thousands ~ “Passion for vodka” is a delightfully poetic way to describe Russia’s endemic alcoholism.

What Students With ADHD Want to Tell Their Teachers ~ “I had a turtle once, but it died. Wanna ride bikes?”

Bullard Says Downturn Hardest on Young, Less-Educated Families ~ It’s unfortunate, but hardly surprising when you consider that about the only thing made easier for stupid people is public school.

Cee-Lo Green pleads not guilty to charge of giving woman ecstasy ~ Smaktakula is a married man, and hasn’t given a woman ecstasy in years.

How much Neanderthal DNA do you have? Lots ~ “Jesus, Frank–there has GOT to be a better way to say that. Look, I had a couple of really unfortunate encounters during my time-travel adventures in the Pleistocene Era, and all I want to do right now is take a shower and try to forget about it.”

“Listen, Garrkkokk–I Just Don’t Think I’ll Ever Be Able To Trust You Again. It’s Times Like This When I Remember Why Our Two Species Diverged.”

Why Mom’s Time Is Different From Dad’s Time ~ Because dad’s time is important.

Mexico ‘monster truck’ crash kills eight at air show ~ Okay, but the SECOND saddest thing about this story is that Mexican AIR shows feature monster trucks.

Ex-Marlboro man dies from smoking-related disease in SLO ~ Wow–how ironic. That’s what we’d be saying if this weren’t the exact opposite of something which is ironic.

Blyth Mum Spends £3,000 On Pink Baby Accessories – Then Has A Boy! ~ Well, if our understanding of heritable traits is correct, he’ll likely be a profoundly stupid boy.

Miley Cyrus Goes Braless For Cosmo ~ Cosmo Krystalos is her meth connection.

Never Forget: Benjamin Franklin Was Into MILFs ~ Why would we forget that? The Founding Father’s legendary lust for tail is unquestionably the most interesting thing about the man.

He Only Hung Out With Kool-Aid ‘Cause He Was Mad For Tang.

What Jane Austen Teaches Us About Economics ~ That it’s boring and outdated?

Just Because He Breathes : Learning to Truly Love Our Gay Son ~ If you haven’t learned to “truly love” your son well before he reaches an age at which he expresses a sexual preference, then you might suck a little at momming and dadding.

African refugees in Italy ‘told to go to Germany’ ~ “Uh, we’re immigrants, not idiots. We like it here just fine.”

Wild Bees Won’t Survive in a Human-Dominant World ~ Please. We’ve rocked this mud-ball for millennia, and bees have done all right up until now.

Double-transplant patient loses legs ~ They’re not your fucking car keys, dude! Somebody went to a lot of trouble to get you those legs, and the least you can do is keep an eye on them.

“‘Short-man syndrome’ is real ~ Given the tragic and debilitating nature of their shared genetic curse, we think it’s a remarkable display of perseverance most mornings for these nasty little creatures even to come skulking from their filthy dens into the bright light of day.

The Fact That You Rarely See Lawn Jockeys These Days Should Give You An Idea Of How Profoundly Offensive Shortness Has Become In Modern Society.

***

In Defense Of Vladimir Putin

18 Saturday Aug 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, History, News

≈ 44 Comments

Tags

censorship, Clay Aiken, despots, douchebaggery, hairless man-boys, jizz-goblin, places that suck, pussy pussy pussy!, Pussy Riot, Russia, shut your mouth!, Vladimir Putin, vulgarity is the secret ingredient

By Smaktakula

Just As Good Policies Sometimes Have Adverse And Unforeseen Consequences, Autocratic Douchebaggery Can Occasionally Have A Silver Lining.

In attempting to muzzle criticism of his increasingly despotic rule, Russia’s President, with the cheerful assistance of the authoritarian kleptocracy’s kangaroo courts, has perversely managed to shatter a long-standing barrier to free speech. By jailing for two years a punk band for the crime of hooliganism, the humorless tyrant has thrust the words P***y Riot¹ into polite discussion.

To Be Fair, This Is What Passes For Polite Discussion Nowadays.

True to our innovative and inclusive nature, the United States has for many years been home to a number of vaginally-themed musical acts:

***

P***y Riot: It Doesn’t Have To Be Vulgar.

¹ You may be compelled to ask if, as we claim, the term is now truly acceptable for polite use, and given that we think nothing of throwing around even more offensive terms like ‘cunt’ or ‘jizz-goblin,’ why we would censor ourselves here? We did it for YOU. You like it when we keep you on your toes. ∞ T.

Russia Narrowing Stupidity Gap

13 Monday Aug 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, News

≈ 39 Comments

Tags

alien abductions, America's edge in stupidity, brilliant dirty weirdos, hygiene, ignorance, national stupidity, places that suck, Russia, Russians sure like that vodka, Soviet Union, space program, UFO abductions, United States of America, USSR, Why am I so stupid?, Yuri Gagarin

By Smaktakula

Russia Has Long Since Overtaken The United States In Both Skankery And Malodorous Body Funk. Must America Also Cede Her Edge In Catastrophic Idiocy?

The United States is universally lampooned for among other things its hyper-religiosity, the public’s embarrassingly prevalent belief in alien abductions and for the inability of one-fifth of its population to locate the nation on a map. Labelled for so long as ignorant by the rest of the world and by elite, self-loathing Yanks, many Americans have come to accept as true their global inferiority in all matters intellectual. However, in what is sure to be welcome news to Americans, it appears that the Russian people may be even more dim-witted and liquor-dissipated than their hygienic Western counterparts.

“Is True. Dr. Grigori May Be Brilliant, Dirty Weirdo, But Is Not Typical Russian. Typical Russians Is Not Brilliant.”

This assertion is bolstered by the news that in Russia–Russia! The nation that beat the US into space!—1 in 3 adults believes that the sun revolves around the earth.

Declassified Soviet Documents Reveal The Real Reason For Russia’s Interest In Space: They Believed The Aether Was Filled With Life-Giving Vodka.

True Facts: The Palin Connection

09 Friday Sep 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Politics, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Alaska, Michael Palin, Monty Python, outright lies, Russia, Sarah Palin, Tea Party, true facts, Wasilla

By Smaktakula

Although It Afforded A Great View Of Russia, Palin Left Wasilla To Seek His Fortune In Dreary Old England.

As famous as she is, most people aren’t aware that Tea Party centerfold Sarah Palin gets her wonderful sense of humor from her dad, Monty Python genius Michael Palin.

This Day In History: April 12th, 1961 CE

12 Tuesday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, History, Science

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

1961, April 12th, Moscow, outer space, places that suck, Russia, Russians sure like that vodka, Soviet Union, space race, this day in history, USSR, vodka, Vostok 1, Yuri Gagarin

On which vodka becomes the first alcohol to be consumed in outer space.

Fun Fact: Vostok 1 Was Much Roomier Than Gagarin's Moscow Apartment, But Lacking A Leaking Roof And With A Better Supply Of Toilet Paper.

Revealed: Why The US Won The Cold War

21 Friday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

astronauts, Atari 2600, Cold War, cosmonauts, Eastern Bloc, Grape Ape, Russia, Soviet Union, United States of America, USSR

By Smaktakula

Astronauts: About A Jillion Times Cooler Than Cosmonauts.

Grape Ape: The Soviet Union Had No Equivalent.

Atari 2600: Seriously.

News of The Duh: Russia Declared ‘Mafia State’

06 Monday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Alexander Litvinenko, Anna Politkovskaya, China, Cold War, death by bullet, death by ice pick, death by radiation, despots, Dmitry Medvedev, Jose Gonzales, Josef Stalin, journalists, KGB, killing journalists, Leon Trotsky, Mafia, mafia state, News of the Duh, political assassination, political killing, Polonium-210, radiation sickness, repression of dissent, Russia, Spain, United States of America, Vladimir Putin, What a country!, WikiLeaks, Yakov Smirnoff

By Smaktakula

Wildly Funny Russian Comedian Yakov Smirnoff Once Compared His Adopted Homeland With The Country Of His Birth, Saying, "In America, You Can Always Find A Party. In Russia, Party Finds You."

Revelations from the most recent round of WikiLeaks.org releases have stunned the international community.  Among them are documents in which a Spanish prosecutor termed Russia a “virtual mafia state,” and said that he “cannot differentiate between the activities of the government and organized crime groups.”

Like Many Anti-Putin Journalists, Anna Politkovskaya Was The Victim Of An Unlucky Accident. The Elevator In Which She Was Riding Malfunctioned And Shot Her Four Times.

The prosecutor, Jose Gonzales could not be reached for comment.  This is largely due to safety concerns for anyone foolish enough to come within 100 feet of the doomed Spaniard.  Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, an expert on Russian statecraft, said, “Mr. Gonzales has made an enemy of the Putin government,” adding that in 1940, Stalin’s government had gone to great lengths to plant an ice pick in Leon Trotsky’s skull, “He’s pretty much fucked.”

"You See That Guy? When I Was In Seventh Grade, That Guy Was The Editor Of The School Paper, And He'd Always Misspell My Name 'Poopin.' You Still Think You're Funny, Mr. Funny Newspaper Guy?"

Further allegations in the leaked documents border upon the fantastic.  So-called “oil experts” cited in the diplomatic cables allege that Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin amassed at least some portion of his vast fortune through extralegal means.

Russian President and Putin stooge Dmitry Medvedev was quick to dismiss the allegations as “cynicism,” explicitly pointing to the US.  Medvedev further indicated that Putin’s longtime involvement with law-enforcement as a KGB officer makes him especially sensitive to the delicate questions of personal liberty.

This Putin Critic Died Of Radiation Sickness. What Did He Think Would Happen When He Unknowingly Ingested Polonium-210?

Russian journalists had this to say regarding the allegations:

. . .

 

"Come on--I Swear I Won't Be Mad. Seriously. Just Tell Me Who Said That. No, Really--I Think It's Totally Funny What Was Said And I Just Want To Know Who Said It, That's All. Come On, Tell Me."

The Cold War is over, and its authors long dead.  A New World Order rises, one in which the United States and fellow democracies Russia and China will share the responsibilities for creating the harmonious future we all deserve.  Until then, demonizing Russia’s tyrannical overlord is not only foolish, but possibly unfounded.  Unless Putin’s critics can produce a reliable witness, one who can be relied upon not to die prematurely, there’s little evidence that Putin is anything other than the gentleman he purports to be.

WHAT A COUNTRY!

Why Up-Down Sites Like reddit Are Awesome!

13 Wednesday Oct 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

'Lil 'Lil Kim, Brilliant Comrade, brilliant dirty weirdos, China, dateless cyberninjas, dictators, dictatorship of the masses, Dr. Doom, Dr. Grigori Perelman, Face!, General Secretary of the Communist Party, Hu Jintao, Iran, Kim Jong-un, Latveria, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, North Korea, Pat Robertson, Pat Robertson is batshit crazy, popular culture, reddit, repression of dissent, repressive regimes, Russia, Smaktakula's troubling insecurity, vote down, vote up

By Smaktakula

Somebody Else reddit So You Don't Have To. You're Welcome.

By voting up what is good and down those things which are not, you can ensure that only quality content finds its way to the masses, burying those weird notions and unpleasant ideas to which no right-thinking person would ever want to expose himself.

"I Know! It's Totally Great!"

"I Vote Down What I D-D-Don't Understand."

"Why Must You Pester, Dr. Grigori? You Know I Only Live For Mathematics.

"We Regard This Idea As Swollen With Truth And Sticky Goodness."

"We Employ A Similar System With Our News Media. The Big Difference Is That Instead Of "Voting You Up," You Are Allowed To Live. Otherwise They're Pretty Much The Same."

"Feel The Wrath Of Doom As I And My Techno-Posse Of Dateless Cyberninjas Silence You With Our Keyboards. FACE!"

"Because There Are Some Things Which Should Not Be Discussed. Unless You Want God To Destroy Your City Through A Natural Disaster. What? I'm Just Sayin'."

We Ache For Your Approval.

Obama Administration To Continue Time-Honored Tradition Of Coddling Despots

01 Thursday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, Humor, International Relations, People, Politics, Relationships, Satire, World Affairs

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

appeasement, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, China, Chinese masters, espionage, Europe, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, George W. Bush, Harry S Truman, holding hands with the Saudis, Kremlin, Obama Administration, POTUS, reacharound, reset button, Reset Strategy, Russia, Russian spy ring, Saudi Arabia, Soviet Union, Staples, USSR, Vladimir Putin, W, White House, White House Press Corps

The White House was quick to reassure America’s friends in the Kremlin that, despite the recent arrest of at least ten alleged Russian spies, relations between the two countries were as warm and fuzzy as an inspirational poster of puppies from Spencer’s Gifts.  Observers have pointed to a noticable thawing in dealings between United States and Russia since the implementation of President Obama’s Reset Strategy.     

RESET: Basing Your Foreign Policy On A Staples Ad Campaign Not Always Such A Great Idea

Russian reaction to Obama’s statement was warm.  Said an unnamed Russian source,     

“The Obama is so refreshink.  Before, with the Bush it was all: ‘Don’t kill that journalist,’ ‘Let your people have the free elections,’ ‘Don’t you think you ought to stop invadink your neighbors?’  Blah-Blah-Blah.  Give me break!  I tell you, it was crazy.     

But with the Obama, there is none of that.  We do what we do, and he does what he does, you know?  He calls every now and then, askink: ‘You guys still think I’m cool, right?’     

We say, ‘Sure, Barry!  You are rockink dude!  Give me the high-five, bro!’  And then he goes away for a while.  Everybody happy.”     

Obama is said to have remarked to his aides that Franklin Roosevelt also bent over for the Soviets, and that Truman threw half of Europe under the soul-crushing wheels of the Soviet machine.  “Everybody loves FDR and Truman, right?” the president is reportedly fond of asking.     

Presidents Clinton and Bush 43 are credited with reviving the trend of sucking up to liberty-hating thugs.  Clinton, of course, consulted his Chinese masters before every major decision.  George W. Bush was known to have such a stiffy for the despotic and profligate Saudi regime that he was unable to resist holding hands whenever he got the opportunity.     

His Weakness For Oily Men Was Legendary

In the end, President Obama said he was surprised by the fuss people are making over the so-called spy scandal:     

 “After all,” an aide quotes Obama as saying, “These are simply unregistered emissaries of a friendly foreign power, who were charged with clandestinely bringing the American way of life to their less-fortunate countries.  It seems cynical of the Republicans to bring up Putin’s penchant for ordering the assassination both at home and abroad of journalists and critics.  The Republicans seem to forget that the Bush Administration did exactly the same thing when they asked media organizations not to broadcast sensitive troop movements.”     

The President then invited the White House Press Corps to come watch him slap around an oil executive that POTUS had flown in especially for the occasion.     

Will You Be Needink A Reacharound, Mr. President?  White House: Spy Arrests Will Not Harm US-Russian Ties | USA | English.     

Smaktakula

USA Today Surprised By Brilliant, Dirty Weirdo’s Committment To Principles

22 Tuesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Europe, People, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

$1M prize, brilliant dirty weirdos, crazy bastard, Dr. Grigori Perelman, fake newspaper, journalists, mad Russian genius, Mathsputin, people with unibrows, Poincare Conjecture, refuses prize, Russia, USA Today, who reads USA Today anyway?

Fake newspaper USA Today must believe that brilliant, dirty, Russian weirdo Grigori Perelman is full of shit.  Why else would they think it newsworthy that Perelman didn’t show up to collect his $1M prize for solving the Poincaré Conjecture?     

Readers of Promethean Times know what the “journalists” at USA Today are just finding out: Grigori let the prize committee know what they could do with their $1M ages ago.      

Said Grigori at the time, “I have everything I want.”      

Is Not Even Real Newspaper, Anyway

Is True.  How Many Times Must I Tell You I Am Crazy Bastard.  You Read: Reclusive Russian math genius is a no-show to pick up $1M prize money –.     

Smaktakula
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