By Smaktakula
No Matter How Loudly We Trumpet Our Innocence, The Man’s Always Trying To Bring Us Down.
In which we celebrate ignorance by responding to the headlines of news articles we have not bothered to read.
***
What We Lost When J.F.K. Died ~ Our reluctance to embrace wacky conspiracy theories.
Rain Forest Plants Race to Outrun Global Warming ~ But being rooted to the ground, they’re pretty much fucked.
Man says dollar store tricked his family into leaving Houston ~ Sounds like the Dollar Store did you a favor, pardner.
Tom Brady feels terrific ~ Does he ever! C’mon, try rubbing his backside!
Obese 2-year-old is youngest to have bariatric surgery ~ Is bariatric surgery that thing where they beat a person’s parents with lead pipes? If so, we definitely think he should have that done.
Still Think ‘Fat Shaming’ Is Wrong In Every Instance?
Will Legal Pot Cost More Than Black-Market Pot? ~ It already does, fucknugget.
Explaining Twerking to Your Parents ~ Why on earth would you want to do something like that?
Big penis, small penis ~ Lucky man, locker-room laughingstock.
1939 Jewish Husband Too Sensitive About Hitler ~ But the really shitty thing is that his wife STILL won’t admit he was right!
Martha Stewart Admits To Having A Threesome ~ We don’t know whether to feel aroused or repulsed! Repulsed…now kinda aroused…repulsed again…and a little more arousal…
No, Martha, That’s Not A “Good Thing” At All. It’s A Crime Against Nature!
Real estate company ranks ’10 best cities in Michigan’ ~ 7 of them are in Wisconsin.
Is Obama to blame for North Korea? ~ Well, the way Obama tells it, it’s George Bush’s fault.
‘I Don’t Want My Children to Go to College’ ~ It’s like I tell my boys–“the world needs ditch-diggers.”
Two-fifths of elderly spend more than they earn, study finds ~ Sure, but at some point that becomes prudent. You can’t take it with you, right?
40-year-old mom found nude in teenage boy’s closet ~ Assuming that it’s somebody else’s mom, we say, “Way to go, kid!”
So, No–This Is Not Cool.
Ricky Williams says weed was like his Popeye spinach ~ Sometimes people laugh at what they don’t understand.
What’s Really Going On When Men Call Women ‘Crazy’ ~ A potentially serious mental illness is being addressed to the good of all parties involved.
UPDATE: Pedestrian hit by vehicle was not using crosswalk ~ Serves that law-breaking fucker right, then.
Mysterious Sea Creature In Spain Washes Ashore, Baffles Locals ~ Turns out it was a bar of soap.
What to Say to Parents of Kids With Special Needs ~ “Oh, man! I’m so glad I’m not you!”
And Sometimes People Laugh At What They Do Understand.
Teen Accused of Stabbing Teacher to Death ‘Kept to Himself’ ~ Except for that one time when he stabbed the teacher to death.
Help! My Daughter Got Pregnant at a Friend’s Party and the Owners of the House Won’t Chip In ~ That makes as much sense as me suing the makers of the Dodge Dart for my children.
Why Are Some People Left-Handed? ~ Because God is cruel.
Obama to lay out agenda for economic recovery ~ You mean now? It’s not still 2009 is it?
What Happens When a Language Has No Numbers? ~ You call it ‘Polish.’
Based On Our One Brief Visit To Poland, We Assure You That Everything You’ve Heard About Those People Is True.
Sorry Europe, We’re Still Spying ~ And by ‘sorry,’ we mean ‘Fuck You.’
Chris Brown: I lost my virginity when I was 8 years old ~ That’s a funny way of saying ‘I was sexually assaulted when I was 8 years old.’
NYC police reportedly identify mother of 1991 murder victim ‘Baby Hope’ ~ They called her ‘Baby Hope’ because ‘Baby Irony’ was just too obvious.
Growing Number Of Latin Americans Turning to Judaism ~ Headline for 2025: Latin America Becomes World’s Most Prosperous Region.
Free mammogram clinic set for Oct. 19 in SLO ~ It’s in my garage! Why not have a couple of drinks before swinging by?
I’ve Had Shirts Made Up And Everything!
Promethean Times 