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Tag Archives: holidays

Palm Sunday Papal Headlines

24 Sunday Mar 2013

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Culture, Headlines, History, News, Religion

≈ 14 Comments

Tags

Africa, Catholic sex abuse scandal, childish sexual innuendo, death by pope, fanciful notions, headlines, holidays, Palm Sunday, pederasts, Pope Benedict XVI, Pope Francis

By Smaktakula

At Last! A Return To Blood Sacrifice!

In which we remark upon the headlines of articles we haven’t bothered to read, and pontificate upon a pontiff we know nothing about.¹

***

Pope Francis starts first full day as pontiff with prayer ~ He’s the fucking pope–he’s pretty much obligated to start EVERY day off like that.

Your Wife Must Be So Proud.

US Catholics want a younger, more liberal pope ~ Yeah, we’ll bet they do.

Survey: Africans ready for African Pope ~ Yeah, we’ll bet they are.

It’s Time for a Queer-Friendly Pope ~ Yeah, we’ll bet…oh, we get it now–you’re  fucking with us. Good one! Our money’s on the African pope anyway.

There Is No Room In The Catholic Church For Homosexuality (Which We Strictly Interpret To Mean Sexual Relations Between Two Adult Males).

Pope’s Culture Club Masks Conclave Packed With Benedict’s Clones ~ Does this seem to you like a bunch of random words just sorta tossed together?

Which Catholic Church? ~ Ideally, the one that doesn’t bugger little boys.

Is the Catholic Church’s Future in Africa? ~ Unlikely. Africans aren’t any fonder of pederasty than anyone else.

Because Priests Like To Fu…You’re Right–We Should Have Stopped A While Ago. Apologies.

What Lies Ahead for Pope Benedict Post-Abdication ~ Pussy. Fathomless oceans of pussy stretching to the hither and yon, as far as the eye can see.

What? The Former Pope Is An Old Man, And It’s A Scientific Fact That Old People Like Cats. Real Mature, People.

¹And there, friends, is a great example of when to break the “don’t-end-your-sentences-with-prepositions rule.” But generally, try not to do that–it makes you sound dismueducated. ∞ T.

Happy Independence Day 2011

04 Monday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

2011, dumb kids and the dumb things they do to fuck up their lives, fireworks, holidays, Independence Day, July 4th, United States of America


Fireworks: Even More Fun Outdoors.

Be safe, kids–you’d be surprised at the potential mayhem  you can cause with a handful of firecrackers, if you really put your mind to it. ∞T.

Happy Memorial Day!

30 Monday May 2011

Posted by tardsie in Culture, History

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

French's mustard, holidays, Memorial Day, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, true meanings of holidays

By Tardsie

On which some grilled and others shopped.

He Honors America's Fallen By Refusing To Use French's Mustard On The Dogs.

Happy Mothers’ Day!

08 Sunday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

holidays, Love You Mom, Miss You Mom, Mother's Day, true meanings of holidays

STILL MISS YOU.

Happy Easter, Folks!

24 Sunday Apr 2011

Posted by tardsie in Culture, Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

animal cruelty, chocolate bunnies, Christianity, Easter, holidays, true meanings of holidays

By Tardsie

Take A Few Moments During The Holiday To Remember The Victims Of Easter Violence.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day 2011

17 Thursday Mar 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

alcohol abuse, drunken Irishmen, holidays, Irish people, Jameson, Smaktakula's alcoholic nationalism, St. Patrick'd Day, true meanings of holidays, W.B. Yeats

By Smaktakula

Erin Go Bragh!

The darkness drops again; but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches toward Bethlehem to be born?
W.B. Yeats

Brought To You By Jameson Whiskey. Keeping The Earth Safe From Irish Global Domination For 230 Years.

Here’s to fistfights, drunkenness and weeping effigies! ∞T.

Happy Valentine’s Day

14 Monday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Buy stuff!, consumerism, February 14, greeting cards, Hallmark Cards, Hallmark Holidays, happy couples, holidays, inadequacy, loneliness, love, manipulative advertising, money, true meanings of holidays, unconditional love, useless crap, Valentine's Day

By Smaktakula

It’s Valentine’s Day.  If you’re not spending money on your valentine, you’re not showing your love.

If you don’t have a valentine, there’s something wrong with you.

Because Love Isn't Free.

Brought to you by your friends at Hallmark Cards.  We’ve been making you feel inadequate for 100 years.

The True Meaning Of Christmas

24 Friday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Christmas, consumerism, greed, Happy Holidays, holidays, Merry Christmas!, Merry Messiah, presents, Santa Claus, Scarlet Savior, the War on Christmas, true meanings of holidays

By Smaktakula

And To The East They Saw A Star Burning In The Heavens, And All Who Followed That Star Found Some Great Deals At Target.

It’s easy to get swept up in the holidays during this time of the year: frantic shopping excursions boiling with unwashed humanity; uncomfortable family gatherings in which the introduction of alcohol turns awkwardness to acrimony as if by magic; gifts so shitty that no mentally competent adult could possibly enjoy them.  This is what we look forward to eleven months out of the year.

Getting Shitty Drunk Is The Only Way Dad Can Face The Prospect Of Another Year With You People.

As difficult as it can sometimes be, it’s a good idea to pause and take a long, reflective look at Christmas, meditating not only upon the meaning of this very special holiday, but also on its significance within our own lives.  The latter answer will vary depending upon the speaker.

It's Not Really Christmas Until Cousin Becky Gets Weepy.

As to the former–the meaning behind the gift-giving, tinsel and tree–the answer is not nearly so subjective, but every bit as significant.  Although known to every man, woman and child across Christendom, it is worth remembering that when we celebrate Christmas, we are really celebrating the birth of that Scarlet Savior and Merry Messiah–Santa, from Whom all gifts flow.

Santa Doesn't "Require" Human Sacrifice In The Same Way You Don't "Require" Nice Presents.

Merry Christmas.  God Bless Us, Everyone! ∞T.

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