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Tag Archives: consumerism

No Brains, But Guts To Spare

15 Wednesday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Music, News, Science, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

bad decisions, black market body parts, China, consumerism, death by kidney failure, foolish choices, fucking idiots, greed, Guandong, iPad 2, iPhone, jackassery, kidney, morons, organ donors, organ sales, stupid people, vital organs, Why am I so stupid?, Xiao Zheng, you so dumb

By Smaktakula

"Sell A Vital Organ And Thereby Seriously Jeopardize My Remaining 60-Plus Years For A Couple Pieces Of Overpriced Electronic Crap, Which Are Even Now Hurtling Toward Obsolescence? Dude--You Had Me At The Open Quote."

Disproving the long-standing stereotype that Chinese children are better educated and more intelligent than their Western counterparts, one young man in China has set out to prove that Chinese youth are every bit as stupid as Western kids, if not even more stupider.*  Xiao Zheng, a 17-year-old moron from Guangdong province in China, was so horny for electronic products that it seemed a good idea to sell body parts to get them.

But Xiao was no fool; he wasn’t about to go selling critically important organs like his heart, liver or appendix–the absence of which would bring about immediate death, preventing him from playing with his blood-bought doodads.  Instead, he chose from paired organs, finally settling on a kidney.  Considered a vital–or at the very least really important– organ by most medical professionals, the kidney filters waste from the blood, as well as performing several other duties in support of a properly functioning body.

We're Told It's Pretty Important.

Xiao pushed ahead with his hard-thought plan, permitting an anonymous assembly line surgeon with questionable hygiene to rummage his innards before ripping out the healthy organ.  But the slaughterhouse docs were as good as their word, paying Xiao the kingly sum of 22,000 Yuan, or about $3,400.  Meanwhile a cancer-ridden septuagenarian billionaire was able to add a few months to his papery half-life thanks to the gift of the teenager’s kidney, paying the black marketeers enough to ensure a ridiculous profit margin–so in the end, everybody won.

Xiao didn’t waste his nearly 3.5 grand by investing it by bribing a local official for higher placement on the civil service exam or for his inevitable future dialysis treatments.  Instead, he used the money as he always intended, to buy an iPad 2 and a boss new iPhone.

Xiao is already planning his financial strategy for purchasing the next generation of those devices when they ship early next year–he’ll sell more paired organs.  The maimed lad is already gauging responses from potential buyers for one of his eyes or a lung.  Sadly, Xiao’s liquid physical resources end there–alas, he was born with just one testicle.

.Don't Look Now, But We Think A Certain Someone Is About To Completely Lose His Shit And Mow Down The Cheerleading Squad.

*While it’s true that the comparative and superlative forms of ‘stupid’ are ‘stupider’ and ‘stupidest’ respectively, Smaktakula is employing the superduperlative form.  Now you know.  ∞T.

Happy Valentine’s Day

14 Monday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Buy stuff!, consumerism, February 14, greeting cards, Hallmark Cards, Hallmark Holidays, happy couples, holidays, inadequacy, loneliness, love, manipulative advertising, money, true meanings of holidays, unconditional love, useless crap, Valentine's Day

By Smaktakula

It’s Valentine’s Day.  If you’re not spending money on your valentine, you’re not showing your love.

If you don’t have a valentine, there’s something wrong with you.

Because Love Isn't Free.

Brought to you by your friends at Hallmark Cards.  We’ve been making you feel inadequate for 100 years.

The True Meaning Of Christmas

24 Friday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Religion

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Tags

Christmas, consumerism, greed, Happy Holidays, holidays, Merry Christmas!, Merry Messiah, presents, Santa Claus, Scarlet Savior, the War on Christmas, true meanings of holidays

By Smaktakula

And To The East They Saw A Star Burning In The Heavens, And All Who Followed That Star Found Some Great Deals At Target.

It’s easy to get swept up in the holidays during this time of the year: frantic shopping excursions boiling with unwashed humanity; uncomfortable family gatherings in which the introduction of alcohol turns awkwardness to acrimony as if by magic; gifts so shitty that no mentally competent adult could possibly enjoy them.  This is what we look forward to eleven months out of the year.

Getting Shitty Drunk Is The Only Way Dad Can Face The Prospect Of Another Year With You People.

As difficult as it can sometimes be, it’s a good idea to pause and take a long, reflective look at Christmas, meditating not only upon the meaning of this very special holiday, but also on its significance within our own lives.  The latter answer will vary depending upon the speaker.

It's Not Really Christmas Until Cousin Becky Gets Weepy.

As to the former–the meaning behind the gift-giving, tinsel and tree–the answer is not nearly so subjective, but every bit as significant.  Although known to every man, woman and child across Christendom, it is worth remembering that when we celebrate Christmas, we are really celebrating the birth of that Scarlet Savior and Merry Messiah–Santa, from Whom all gifts flow.

Santa Doesn't "Require" Human Sacrifice In The Same Way You Don't "Require" Nice Presents.

Merry Christmas.  God Bless Us, Everyone! ∞T.

Almighty Offensive

17 Wednesday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Religion

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

action figures, Almighty Heroes, blasphemy for profit, Carrot Top should just be happy someone remembers him, Christianity, consumerism, cynical profiteering, Daniel, Davey & Goliath, David, Deborah, Delilah, Don Levine, Egypt, Evangelicals, faux Christianity, for-profit prophets, fuck dolls, Goliath, Inviolable Word of the Almighty, Jonah, Judaism, Moses, Old Testament, Pharoah, Psalms, Red Sea, Samson, Tardsie The Backpack, the Bible, the Word of God, things stoned people might purchase

By Smaktakula

In The Beginning, Don Created GI Joe, And Saw That It Was Lucrative.

Children love to hear Bible stories, and those from the Old Testament–when Jehovah was still doing a lot smiting–can be some of the most exciting.  One thing kids like even better than hearing Old Testament Bible stories is reenacting those stories with grotesquely-proportioned Biblically-themed action figures. For years such a product remained elusive.

"He Maketh YOU Lie Down By Still Waters, MoFo!"

Now that gap has been filled with for-profit prophets: Enter The Almighty Heroes!

  • Moses:  Adopted by a foster-mother unaware his secret Jewish identity, the young Moses grew to be a mighty champion of the people.  The Pharoah’s legions couldn’t catch him, and the Red Sea couldn’t stop him in his search for the Promise Land.  Battle Cry: “Let My People Go!”
  • Samson: With bitchin’ hair and a cut bod, Samson was the BC Fabio.  Armed with nothing more than the jawbone of an ass, Samson wages battle with his untrustworthy frenemy Delilah at his side, fighting for justice against such foes as Harry the Depilator.
  • Daniel:  When young Daniel was cast into the lion’s den, no one thought he could survive.  But when a stray lightning bolt struck just as a lion was about to pounce on the frightened prophet, Daniel was miraculously transformed into something more.  With great power comes great responsibility, and Daniel pledged to himself never again to shirk.  Now, with his ever-present lion sidekick Redeemon at his side, he fights crime with a roar.
  • David:  The red-headed rascal who would be king.  A talented multi-instrumentalist and gifted lyricist, David was a lover and not a fighter.  But when the chips were down, David showed he wasn’t afraid to do the hard work, be it slaying a giant with a single stone or sending a loyal soldier to his death that David might possess the man’s wife.  Even though he’s God’s favorite, David plays by his own rules.
  • Deborah:  Deborah rates inclusion for being the most famous Old Testament female who wore clothes.
  • Goliath:  Not really a hero, per se.

Carrot Top Had Second Thoughts About Selling His Likeness For Use As A Toy. But Who Could Say No To Those Breasts?

These evangelical avengers are the brainchild of Donald Levine, the creator of the original G.I. Joe.  Levine’s company, Almighty Heroes Media Group, was created to address a toy shortfall in the Christian marketplace.  Not at all ironically, Levine is Jewish.

davy_goliath.jpg davey and goliath image by SKunker101

"Gosh, Davey--I Think It's Super That You Learned A Very Valuable Lesson. But I Meant It When I Said I'd Tear Your Throat Out If You Pulled That Shit Again."

Some people might think it a tad vulgar to so shamelessly profit from a religion of which he isn’t a member, but Levine’s defenders are quick to add that all these Old Testament characters are very much a part of the Jewish tradition as well.  It’s not impossible that Jewish parents might buy Almighty Heroes for their children.  “But what, they’re gonna waste their money on this crap?” Levine says.  “What?  I’m joking, I’m joking.  The sense of humor on this guy!  Unbelievable.”

Billy Just Loves To Play Samson. His Favorite Part Of The Story Is When Samson, After Having His Eyes Put Out And Cast In Chains By His Philistine Captors, Gains His Revenge By Pulling Down The Temple Atop His Enemies In A Gruesome Murder-Suicide.

Moreover, Levine is quick to point out that products such as the Goliath Electronic Sword and the Jonah & the Whale Playset help kids get into the Bible by allowing them to add their own awesome adventures to the Inviolable Word of the Almighty.

Batman Wants Nothing To Do With These Jokers.

Sadly, Levine’s company has not fared well, perhaps cursed by the unseen hand of Satan or possibly good taste.  Almighty Inc. has been unable to pay back loans, and Levine is being sued by one of his former partners.  But like the resilient heroes who are their flagship characters, don’t count Almighty Inc. out just yet.  The photos of the David and Samson action figures in this story were taken yesterday by Promethean Times’ staff photographer Tardsie the Backpack.  They are available at our local Rite Aid.

It's A Little Weird To Think That The Psalmist Looked So Much Like A Fuck Doll.

Righteous!

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