. . . If You’re Going To San Francisco, You’re Going To Meet Some Gentle People There . . .
User post: Am I just not meant to have friends? ~ Sorry, sad-sack–but yours is a destiny characterized by unremitting isolation. It probably feels better to know, huh?
Can Twitter Save NASA? ~ Don’t be a child; of course it can’t.
Mother Buried 15 Years Ago Found Alive in Florida ~ Florida in August is its own kind of death.
US women know July 10 is their day ~ Super. Another important date for us to forget.
First Person: the Sweet Charms of the Ukulele ~ Just what drugs are you on, Tiny Tim?
The Ukulele’s Sole Function Is To Terrify Small Children.
Spectators shout “Killer!” as she leaves jail property ~ No one is sure what Janet Reno was doing there.
Black bear trapped in SLO neighborhood shot dead ~ Tensions are high, and polar bears are advised to stay home after dark.
Mormon leader jailed for life for sex with child brides ~ Life won’t change all that much. There will still be plenty of sex, only now he’ll be someone else’s baby.
Bachmann’s Church Says the Pope is the Antichrist ~ Pfft. We say that all the time.
Queen Latifah Says Gay Is the New Black ~ So is Queen Latifah finally admitting she’s, um, black?
Guess Which Greek Island The Ladies Will Be Visiting During Their Vacation? No, It’s Not Crete Or Corfu. It’s Not Rhodes Or Andros, Either.
The Clash of Generations ~ If you find yourself matched up against ‘The Greatest Generation,’ go for the hips–they’re fragile.
9 things you shouldn’t say to your child ~ Curiously, they all start with ‘I should have gotten that abortion.’
Male heart-attack victims seek help faster if married ~ Living for the sole purpose of making another human being’s life miserable is still a reason to live.
Meet Europe’s record-breaking (and cute!) lottery winners ~ Being a lottery winner goes a long way toward making you cute.
Why My Father Hated India ~ We can give you 1.2 billion reasons.
‘Delhi’ Rhymes With ‘Smelly.’ It Should Rhyme With ‘God-Awful Stink.’
Despite priest’s dark past, he was given ample time to find new victims ~ Which is cool, because we believe in second chances.
83-Year-Old Gets Breast Implants to Keep Up With Kids ~ It’s a race to see who can commit the biggest affront to all that is decent and right.
Binge drinking ‘can damage memory skills’ in teen girls ~ It’s ‘judgement’ that teen boys want to affect. Memory is just gravy.
Prostituted child leaves ‘game’ for good ~ We don’t believe it. Justin Bieber loves showbiz too much.
“Thass Right, Just Two Bills For This Sweet Piece Of Ass.”
What Is ‘Smelly Hair Syndrome? ~ Sounds like a childish euphemism for poontang, which itself is a childish euphemism for cooter.
And Now We See It Everywhere.
FURTHER EXAMPLES OF OUR IRRESPONSIBILITY: