abortion, Antichrist, binge drinking, Catholic Church, childish sexual innuendo, closeted celebrities, Delhi, Florida, gay people, Greece, headlines, India, Janet Reno, Justin Bieber, lesbians, Lesbos, Lottery tickets, marriage, Michelle Bachmann, NASA, Pope Benedict XVI, prostitution, Queen Latifah, San Francisco, smelly hair syndrome, the Greatest Generation, Tiny Tim, Twitter, ukeleles, Usher
User post: Am I just not meant to have friends? ~ Sorry, sad-sack–but yours is a destiny characterized by unremitting isolation. It probably feels better to know, huh?
Can Twitter Save NASA? ~ Don’t be a child; of course it can’t.
Mother Buried 15 Years Ago Found Alive in Florida ~ Florida in August is its own kind of death.
US women know July 10 is their day ~ Super. Another important date for us to forget.
Spectators shout “Killer!” as she leaves jail property ~ No one is sure what Janet Reno was doing there.
Black bear trapped in SLO neighborhood shot dead ~ Tensions are high, and polar bears are advised to stay home after dark.
Mormon leader jailed for life for sex with child brides ~ Life won’t change all that much. There will still be plenty of sex, only now he’ll be someone else’s baby.
Bachmann’s Church Says the Pope is the Antichrist ~ Pfft. We say that all the time.
Queen Latifah Says Gay Is the New Black ~ So is Queen Latifah finally admitting she’s, um, black?
The Clash of Generations ~ If you find yourself matched up against ‘The Greatest Generation,’ go for the hips–they’re fragile.
9 things you shouldn’t say to your child ~ Curiously, they all start with ‘I should have gotten that abortion.’
Male heart-attack victims seek help faster if married ~ Living for the sole purpose of making another human being’s life miserable is still a reason to live.
Meet Europe’s record-breaking (and cute!) lottery winners ~ Being a lottery winner goes a long way toward making you cute.
Why My Father Hated India ~ We can give you 1.2 billion reasons.
Despite priest’s dark past, he was given ample time to find new victims ~ Which is cool, because we believe in second chances.
83-Year-Old Gets Breast Implants to Keep Up With Kids ~ It’s a race to see who can commit the biggest affront to all that is decent and right.
Binge drinking ‘can damage memory skills’ in teen girls ~ It’s ‘judgement’ that teen boys want to affect. Memory is just gravy.
Prostituted child leaves ‘game’ for good ~ We don’t believe it. Justin Bieber loves showbiz too much.
Police: Teen Killed Parents, Hid Bodies During House Party ~ Yeah, but that shit was off the hook!
The history of ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ ~ It’s pretty gay, but we don’t like to talk about it.
California Bay Area Mansions Are in High Demand, Due to Tech Boom ~ Wait for the inevitable bust and snatch one up for a song.
What Is ‘Smelly Hair Syndrome? ~ Sounds like a childish euphemism for poontang, which itself is a childish euphemism for cooter.
FURTHER EXAMPLES OF OUR IRRESPONSIBILITY:
- Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
- Headlines II
- Headlines III
- Headlines IV
- Headlines V
- Headlines VI
- Headlines VII