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Tag Archives: Catholic Church

Punking Galileo

07 Monday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in History

≈ 14 Comments

Tags

Catholic Church, Galileo Galilei, mead, the Vatican, time travel, wenches

By Smaktakula

Was It Worth It? Was It Worth It To Be The Smartest Man IN HELL?

As you know, we occasionally like to offer advice for those who may someday have the opportunity–however unlikely–to travel through time. Today’s thoughts are on the genius Galileo (actually Galileo Galilei, making the Renaissance-era renaissance man a sort of old-timey Duran Duran), whose contributions to astronomy have proved invaluable to posterity, but cost him so much at the time.

If you’re like most people, your first inclination upon travelling back to Galileo’s era would be to defend the later-to-be-proved-correct notions of the historical wop. This helps no one. If the Church didn’t believe a brilliant dude like Galileo, do you really imagine they’re going to believe the ravings of someone who claims to “come from the future?” Of course they’re not. And despite Galileo’s fame and scientific vindication, it took about 500 years for the Vatican to admit its mistake. Do you suppose that the Church would even remember excommunicating you? Your immortal soul can’t take that risk.

We’re Also On Record As Saying The Earth Is Flat, Sickness Is Caused By Evil Humours And That Leeches Are An Effective Treatment For Maladies Large And Small.

That’s why, if we ever travelled back to that era, we’d do things a little differently. We’d try to find out when Galileo was giving his big presentation, and get there a little earlier. “Holy Fathers,” we’d say, “We’ll be brief–our pal Galileo wants to say something to you next. We just wanted to let you know that we have confirmed through hours of meticulous research what the wisdom of the Church has been teaching for centuries–the sun does indeed revolve around the earth. Thanks for your time, we know you’re very busy and are eager to hear what Galileo has discovered.”

Those who follow our advice won’t be disappointed. Although, you’ll be proved an idiot in half a millennium’s time, this fact will be lost to all but the most OCD-afflicted historians. And while the brilliant Galileo suffers the indignities and metaphysical perils of excommunication, yours will be a life full of wenches and mead.

The Devil’s In The Detail.

Headlines 01.20.12

20 Friday Jan 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Entertainment, News, Politics, Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Axl Rose, bad teeth, Beyonce Knowles, Blue Ivy Carter, breasts, breastuses, California, Catholic Church, childish sexual innuendo, Chinese Democracy, Chris Paul, Clippers, congress, Costa Concordia, death by cruise ship, dope, drugs, God, grass, headlines, hemp, Hope, inbreeding, Japan, Jay-Z, marijuana, Muammar al-Gaddafi, Nakh-Nakh the Pig, pederasts, pot, Powerball, reefer, Rick Santorum, schadenfreude, sweet sweet cheeba, taint, Teen Mom, Vladimir Putin, weed

By Smaktakula

Turns Out It’s Dark, Foul And Full Of Sand.

In which we comment on contemporary headlines without first reading the articles:

25 members of Congress with lowest net worth ~ How much respect should we have for these mouth-breathers if they can’t even steal right?

Putin faces off against an unlikely foe: Nakh-Nakh the pig ~ Nakh-Nakh!  Who’s there?  Nakh-Nakh!  Who’s there? — This has endless hours of comedy potential!

Blue Ivy Carter: Why Did Beyonce And Jay-Z Choose That Name? ~ More to the point, why do you care?

What Is College For? ~ Doing drugs, having sex with questionable people and generally putting off real life for five or six years.  And maybe learning something.  You know, whatever.

Don’t Get Excited, Folks–It’s Just Tobacco.

Chris Paul’s Christmas present to the Clippers: Hope ~ Hope isn’t worth what it once was.

Good Minus God ~ Is just ‘0’.

Teen Mom 2′ star pregnant ~ Being a brood sow is part of her contract.

LA arsons: ‘Right guy’ arrested, police chief says ~ You notice how they’ve never got the wrong guy, even when they do?

Photography: Big Beasts ~ We did a double-take as well, but that’s ‘Beasts,’ as in wild animals.

No Man Can Tame Those Magnificent Beasts.

Axl Rose completes jury duty ~ Not only did this endeavor take far less time than did the making of ‘Chinese Democracy,’ but the court transcript proved far easier on the ears.

Is $2 Powerball ticket worth it? ~ If you win it is.  Otherwise, no.

Santorum on the rise: I’m the electable one ~ And we think you’ll be the best darn PTA recording secretary that the Midville School District ever had.  Wait.  You don’t mean for President, do you?  President of the United States and Leader of the Free World?  Rick, what fucking drugs are you on?

Accused killer’s attorney argues inbreeding a factor in slaying ~  We’ve tried using the same excuse to beat traffic tickets.  It doesn’t work.

How to pick a cruise line for safety ~ Try to choose one that won’t drag you and your family to your briny graves on the seafloor.

Not This One, For Example.

Sword-Swallower Impales Himself on Stage ~ Although as yet there’s been no official confirmation on the weapon that caused the grisly accident, witnesses  say that it was most likely some kind of ax or spear.

California Catholic bishop resigns, says he has 2 kids ~ At least he’s honest. A lot of clergymen have literally hundreds of kids before they’re caught.

Imperfect teeth are big in Japan ~ Yeah, but everything looks bigger in Japan.

3 cars hit woman in wheelchair ~ Some headlines are funny enough on their own without our help.

The Funny Comes Pre-Bundled.

More Topical Reading:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII
  • Headlines VIII
  • Headlines IX
  • Headlines X
  • Headlines XI

The One Good Reason To Learn Latin

19 Thursday Jan 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Religion

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Catholic Church, Catholic sex abuse scandal, dead languages, Latin, pederasts, pedophile priests, things to discuss when you're being buggered, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

It may be comforting to know exactly what Fr. Cochran is whispering in your ear.

Spare The Rod? That's Not Happening.

Remembering Martin Luther King, Jr.

16 Monday Jan 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, History, News, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

bravery, Catholic Church, civil rights, civil rights leaders, don't know much about history, Martin Luther, Martin Luther King Jr., Martin Luther King Sr., Memphis, mistaken identity, non-violence, outright lies, Reformation, Tennessee

By Smaktakula

"Everything That We See Is A Shadow Cast By That Which We Do Not See."

Forty-plus years after his slaying in Memphis, Tennessee,  Martin Luther King, Jr. remains a beloved figure not only in the United States of America, but throughout the entire world.  His courage, moral example and dedication to non-violence catalyzed the civil rights movement  to a degree that cannot be underestimated, and proved stronger even than the will of governments.  The lives of millions were transformed through Dr. King’s efforts.

He should not, however, be confused with the similarly-named German priest whose protest against the Catholic Church catapulted Protestantism to its current position among the great religions of the world.  That was King’s father, Martin Luther King, Sr.

No, It Doesn't Make Much Sense To Us, Either. But You Can't Argue With History.

Headlines 08.17.11

17 Wednesday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

abortion, Antichrist, binge drinking, Catholic Church, childish sexual innuendo, closeted celebrities, Delhi, Florida, gay people, Greece, headlines, India, Janet Reno, Justin Bieber, lesbians, Lesbos, Lottery tickets, marriage, Michelle Bachmann, NASA, Pope Benedict XVI, prostitution, Queen Latifah, San Francisco, smelly hair syndrome, the Greatest Generation, Tiny Tim, Twitter, ukeleles, Usher

By Smaktakula

. . . If You’re Going To San Francisco, You’re Going To Meet Some Gentle People There . . .


User post: Am I just not meant to have friends?
 ~ Sorry, sad-sack–but yours is a destiny characterized by unremitting isolation.  It probably feels better to know, huh?

Can Twitter Save NASA? ~ Don’t be a child; of course it can’t.

Mother Buried 15 Years Ago Found Alive in Florida ~ Florida in August is its own kind of death.

US women know July 10 is their day ~ Super.  Another important date for us to forget.

First Person: the Sweet Charms of the Ukulele ~ Just what drugs are you on, Tiny Tim?

The Ukulele’s Sole Function Is To Terrify Small Children.

Spectators shout “Killer!” as she leaves jail property ~ No one is sure what Janet Reno was doing there.

Black bear trapped in SLO neighborhood shot dead ~ Tensions are high, and polar bears are advised to stay home after dark.

Mormon leader jailed for life for sex with child brides ~ Life won’t change all that much.  There will still be plenty of sex, only now he’ll be someone else’s baby.

Bachmann’s Church Says the Pope is the Antichrist ~ Pfft.  We say that all the time.

Queen Latifah Says Gay Is the New Black ~ So is Queen Latifah finally admitting she’s, um, black?

Guess Which Greek Island The Ladies Will Be Visiting During Their Vacation?  No, It’s Not Crete Or Corfu. It’s Not Rhodes Or Andros, Either.

The Clash of Generations ~ If you find yourself matched up against ‘The Greatest Generation,’ go for the hips–they’re fragile.

9 things you shouldn’t say to your child ~  Curiously, they all start with ‘I should have gotten that abortion.’

Male heart-attack victims seek help faster if married ~ Living for the sole purpose of making another human being’s life miserable is still a reason to live.

Meet Europe’s record-breaking (and cute!) lottery winners ~ Being a lottery winner goes a long way toward making you cute.

Why My Father Hated India ~ We can give you 1.2 billion reasons.

‘Delhi’ Rhymes With ‘Smelly.’ It Should Rhyme With ‘God-Awful Stink.’

Despite priest’s dark past, he was given ample time to find new victims ~ Which is cool, because we believe in second chances.

83-Year-Old Gets Breast Implants to Keep Up With Kids ~ It’s a race to see who can commit the biggest affront to all that is decent and right.

Binge drinking ‘can damage memory skills’ in teen girls ~ It’s ‘judgement’ that teen boys want to affect.  Memory is just gravy.

Prostituted child leaves ‘game’ for good ~ We don’t believe it.  Justin Bieber loves showbiz too much.

“Thass Right, Just Two Bills For This Sweet Piece Of Ass.”

Police: Teen Killed Parents, Hid Bodies During House Party ~ Yeah, but that shit was off the hook!

The history of ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ ~ It’s pretty gay, but we don’t like to talk about it.

California Bay Area Mansions Are in High Demand, Due to Tech Boom ~ Wait for the inevitable bust and snatch one up for a song.

What Is ‘Smelly Hair Syndrome? ~ Sounds like a childish euphemism for poontang, which itself is a childish euphemism for cooter.

And Now We See It Everywhere.

FURTHER EXAMPLES OF OUR IRRESPONSIBILITY:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII

I Disagree With What You Say, And I Will Ruin You If You Say It.

28 Tuesday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Politics, Religion, Stupidity

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

Andres Serrano, appeasement, Barack Obama, bunched panties, burning the Koran, Cagney and Lacey, Catholic Church, censorship, circus, cowardice, dig that awesome dirtbag mustache, dirtbag mustache, double standards, douchebaggery, Florida, Founding Fathers, fucknugget, Gainesville, hypocrisy, idiocy, intellectual cowardice, Islam, Koran, Last Temptation of Christ, lip-service, mainstream media, Martin Scorsese, media bias, Piss Christ, PT Barnum, radical Islam, Rev. Terry Jones, Sharia law, shock artists, Tea Party, those wacky mullahs!, Tyne Daly's eating disorder, Voltaire, white trash

By Smaktakula

It's Hard To Look Dignified With A Ferret Humping Your Upper Lip.

The town of Gainesville, Florida saw in deranged fucknugget Terry Jones a way not only to pusillanimously distance itself from the controversy engendered by the pastor’s threat to burn several copies of the Koran, but also to pad the city coffers with some much-needed cash.  The ‘gator-infested mosquito farm-with-a-zip code presented Jones a bill for the security the city had hired in the event of violence.

By hitting the Reverend with a bill he almost certainly could not pay, Gainesville found a way to tell rest of the world–the Muslim world in particular–that it does not tolerate free speech when that so-called free speech upsets such a large group of sensitive, and more critically, violence prone-individuals.  The good folks of Gainesville joined legions of other self-loathing Americans who not only rightly decried Jones’ plans, but became venomous in their efforts to prove that they stood on the correct side of popular opinion.  Most surprisingly was the nearly universal (at least insofar as the media was concerned) agreement that burning the Koran was a taboo surpassed by few others, the insinuation being that the Reverend knew that he had passed the accepted limits of free speech.

Gainesville: "We Don't Want No Trouble, Y'all."

Although Jones failed to follow through on his threat, the uproar caused by the nonevent did result in the bunching of panties throughout the Arab world.   Several people were killed in rioting even after it was announced that no Korans would be harmed.

There Are Many Similarities Between These Guys And The Tea Party. The Difference? The Media Isn't Too Pussy To Mock The Tea Partiers.

Given that freedom of expression is ostensibly one of America’s most cherished rights–the Founding Fathers having apparently thought so highly of it that they chose it to kick off the Bill of Rights– it might be expected that Americans would grudgingly rally to Jones’ defense.  After all, how often in America does some self-satisfied prick serenely mouth the platitude so often misattributed to Voltaire: I may disagree with what you say but I will defend to the death your right to say it?

Now, Now . . . Let's Hear Them Out.

Add to this America’s proud history standing up against religious calls for censorship.  When Martin Scorsese released his brilliant 1988 film, The Last Temptation of Christ, which the Catholic Church condemned as blasphemous, Americans made the choice for themselves.  The following year “artist” Andres Serrano photographed a crucifix suspended in a jar of his own urine, calling it  Piss Christ and himself an artist.  Christians across the globe were offended at the image of their Lord and Savior swimming in a vat of piss, but American values of free expression permitted cooler heads to prevail.  When Cagney and Lacey was taken off the air in 1983, the people would not have it; the gals were back long enough for a grateful nation to watch Tyne Daly begin to plump up.

Relax, Christians: It's Only Your Lord And Savior Bathed In Urine. You Can Either Respect The First Amendment Or You Can Threaten To Blow Shit Up.

In the face of histrionics from Muslims worldwide and self-righteous head shaking from the rest of the globe, America’s public response was a firm and immediate denunciation of Jones.  Watching pundits and try to one-up one another with contrived indignation became a sport.  By the time President Obama summoned his inner Neville Chamberlain to act as a sort of Appeaser-In-Chief, Jones had no choice but to back down.  That he did is unquestionably a good thing.  That he was bullied so shamefully into it by the media and his government is not.

The Taliban Thought These Historical Religious Carvings Were An Insult To Allah.

The Reverend Jones is unquestionably an attention-hungry con man–more PT Barnum than Jim Jones, whose actions should rightly be castigated.   But  a large segment of those shouting the loudest in this argument miss a larger point.  Although Jones may have talked about burning the Koran and more than likely intended to do it, he didn’t actually do it.  Jones has been punished not for an action which outside of Sharia Law would have been legal anyway, but rather for an unpopular thought.

STOP! Is That A Koran? Sorry, Our Bad--Carry On.

Free speech still exists in America, but only for those with nothing to lose.  The old quote needs to be updated: If I disagree with what you say I will hound you to death should you say it.

Forgotten Author Renounces Ancient Religion

10 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Christianity, Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Mythology, People, Political Correctness, Religion, Social Networking

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Anne Rice, Anne Rice will burn in the lake of fire alongside Galileo Galilei and Madonna Ciccone, apostate, bodice-rippers, Catholic Church, Catholic sex abuse scandal, Catholicism, conversion for publicity, crimes against humanity, even werewolves have been ruined, forgotten authors, Hags, heterosexuality, homoeroticism, homoeroticism in vampire literature, Judaism, obscure celebrities, renounces, self-satisfied, stupid shit little girls like, tween romance, Twilight, vampire fiction, vampires

By Smaktakula

Tween Romance author Anne Rice announced recently that she had renounced Catholicism.  This news serves to energize opponents of the Church, as well as to delight the author’s remaining fans, most of whom are all grown up now and just happy to know she’s still alive.               

In the name of Christ, I refuse to be anti-gay. I refuse to be anti-feminist. I refuse to be anti-artificial birth control. I refuse to be anti-Democrat. I refuse to be anti-secular humanism. I refuse to be anti-science. I refuse to be anti-life.               

Rice, whose main contribution to literature has been to purge the vampire genre of its remaining vestiges of heterosexuality, is also said to be privately fuming that her conversion to Catholicism didn’t prove to be the goldmine her agent promised it would.                    

It Would Seem We Have You To Thank For Twilight As Well. Hag.

 

Damn it, Anne–we’ve been through this a million times.  You know I said no such thing–I told you to go with Judaism. 

Archbishop Okay With Honor-Killings, But Draws The Line At Pedophilia

12 Monday Apr 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Christianity, Crime, Culture, People, Political Correctness, Religion, Scandal, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Archbishop of Canterbury, Catholic Church, Catholic sex abuse scandal, hypocrisy, lost all credibility, pedophile priests, Rowan Wilson, Sharia law, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Rowan Wilson, the Archbishop of Canterbury, maintains that the Catholic Church in Ireland has lost “all credibility” over the widespread allegations of abuse by the clergy.

However, the attention-seeking cleric’s credibility has been many times called into question over asinine comments such as his musings that some aspects of Sharia law be incorporated into British courts.

He's Anglican, Not Catholic--Parents Should Not Hesitate To Entrust Their Children To This Man

This Just In:  Apparently the Archbishop doesn’t draw the line at pedophilia–his Self-Righteousness has recanted his statements condemning the Catholic Church.

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Priest’s Holocaust Comparison Deemed Improper

09 Friday Apr 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Christianity, Culture, History, Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

anti-semitism, Catholic Church, Catholic sex abuse scandal, Father Raniero Cantalamessa, free speech, genocide, Holocaust, Holocaust comparisons, hypocrisy, molestation, Nazis, Political Correctness, Ragnarok, real Nazis were pretty fucking awful, Soup Nazi

By Smaktakula

Whose Holocaust is it anyway?

During his Good Friday address from the Vatican, the Pope’s personal preacher likened attacks on the church and the pope to the horrors of the Holocaust.  Paraphrasing a Jewish friend’s letter, Father Raniero Cantalamessa declared,

The use of stereotypes and the shifting of personal responsibility to a collective guilt remind me of the most shameful aspects of anti-Semitism.

Promethean Times deplores this unacceptable Holocaust comparison, which was made even more egregious by the abundance of acceptable Holocaust comparisons from which Fr. Cantalamessa could have chosen.  Instead, he aimed low and chose to invoke this powerful comparison to defend the Church’s response to public anger over its own misdoings.

Something About Global Warming, We Think.

It is imperative that when Holocaust comparisons are made, they are made responsibly.  Responsible Holocaust comparison means choosing an acceptable atrocity or deplorable condition which to compare.  The following partial list of maladies and social ills have been found acceptable for Holocaust comparison:

  • AIDS
  • Racism
  • Global Warming/Environment/Climate Change/Ragnarök
  • Abortion
  • Famine
  • People Without Health Insurance
  • The plight of Native Americans in modern American society.
  • The Palestinian situation (for those who like their Holocaust comparisons served with a little irony).
  • Lastly, in what is generally considered an archaic usage, the Holocaust is sometimes compared to the genocide perpetrated against the Jews, communists, homosexuals, Jehovah’s Witnesses and just about everybody else by Nazi Germany in the 1930s and 1940s.

So Is The Whole Thing That The Nazis Wouldn't Give Jewish People Soup? Because We Thought There Was More To It Than That.

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