Americans of Singularity Descent, Amy Winehouse, Ayman al-Zawahiri, bad parents, bilingual, black holes, Chicago, corruption, death by drunk driving, dictators, flash mob, Frank McCourt, gender issues, headlines, human feces, Jackass, Julia Sweeney, Keith Richards, Libya, Los Angeles Dodgers, Mexican drug cartel, Minot, NATO, New Jersey, Newt Gingrich, North Dakota, playground beatings, Ryan Dunn, San Francisco Giants, Snooki, Spelling Bee, thanks a lot mom, untouchables, Yoko Ono
Because who has time to read the articles, right?
Parents keep child’s gender secret ~ Regardless of the creature’s gender, it’s destined to grow up to be a smug, self-righteous fucknugget like Mom & Dad.
The Bilingual Advantage ~ The big advantage is knowing when the help is talking about you.
‘I shot the cruellest dictator in the Americas ~ “But I did not shoot the deputy cruellest dictator in the Americas.”
Sukanya Roy, 14, wins Scripps National Spelling Bee with ‘cymotrichous’ ~ If only Sukanya’s special power could prevent the inevitable playground beatings.
Is Frank McCourt really the worst owner in baseball? ~ Does Ayman al-Zawahiri still own a controlling interest in the San Francisco Giants? Otherwise it’s Frank, hands down.
Death of 91-year-old spotlights line between care and killing ~ And, at 91, plain old bad luck.
Gingrich campaign hit by defections ~ We would like this a lot better if Newt were hit with ‘defecation.’
Ancient sea turtle discovered in N.J. ~ Sorry to get the scientists so hot & bothered for a false alarm, but you knew all that fake tanning would catch up to Snooki eventually.
Love thy neighbor: Son’s killer moves next door ~ Find out what happens when people stop being polite…and start getting real. Thursdays at 10 PM on MTV.
Mexican cartels now using tanks ~ The world must act now before cartel scientists manage to create or steal enough fissionable material to create la bomba de gran tamaño.
Chicago Police Brace for ‘Flash Mob’ Attack ~Not to worry–the mob owns Chicago PD.
Murdered woman recorded fight with husband before death ~ When you marry a woman who’s smarter than you are, you’re just asking for trouble.
Japan scientist synthesizes meat from human feces ~ Known popularly as ‘The Yoko Ono Story.’
NATO strike kills 15 Libyan civilians ~Considering Lockerbie, the Libyan people still owe the free world about 245 souls, give or take.
Black holes abound in early universe ~ We thought the world had moved past all this racist nonsense.
Amy Winehouse added to the list of biggest boos ~ Because, heaven knows, she’s not gonna make the list for ‘biggest boobs.’
Rolling Stones’ Keith Richards ‘put his teeth back in with superglue’ ~ Then what happened?
4000 Minot homes to be swamped by day’s end ~ Dear God! Our sense of what is normal and right has been turned on its head. We had no clue that more than 150 people lived in Minot, North Dakota.
Friend remembers Ryan Dunn’s last moments ~ Really? Because it seems like those last moments were the worst.