Tag Archives: Queen Elizabeth II

Headlines 07.13.12

13 Friday Jul 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, History, News

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By Smaktakula

We’re Just A Little Surprised That Hallmark Hasn’t Figured Out A Way To Cash In On This Yet.

In which we comment on the day’s headlines without first bothering to read the stories.

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More Women Look Over the Counter for a Libido Fix ~ At Waldo’s ‘All Things Vibrating’ Pleasure Emporium.

How to Tell Your Partner You Have IBD: 7 Ways to Make Them Understand ~ Irritable Bowel Disorder? Somehow, we think your partner already knows.

Ticks & Pregnancy: How To Protect Yourself ~Ticks are sweet-talkers, that’s for sure, but you need to protect yourself, Honey. You tell him, “I don’t care if it IS smaller than a dust mote–no glove, no love!”

Should Everyone Get an Instadeath Pill When They Turn 75? ~ Oooh, great question! Ask yourself that one when you turn 74, jackass.

Motorcycle officer lassos runaway bull ~ Wow! A dude could fly to the moon, cure cancer, bang the Queen of England and STILL not be as cool as that guy.

Whatever. You Know You Would.

Dominic Deville, An Evil Birthday Clown, Stalks Your Child For A Fee ~ Yawn. Thanks to the National Sex Offender registry, it’s never been easier to find someone who will pay ME for the privilege of stalking my child.

Mom Who Wants 14-Year-Old to Get Breast Implants Needs Serious Help ~ No kidding she does!–Junior Misses’ Fake Funbags don’t come cheap. So pony up, folks!

Former CIA spy advocates overthrow of Iranian regime ~ “The way I see it, we could depose the legitimate government, and maybe put in some despotic strongman who will act in the interest of the oil companies for twenty-five years or so until the people rise up and replace him with an anachronistic and dangerously intolerant theocracy, which could then seize a bunch of Americans…wait, wait, wait…did we already do this?”

Hotel guard kills self in gun prank; CCTV footage records incident ~ Ha! Good one! And he got it on camera so he can watch it later.

7 Ways You’re Hurting Your Daughter’s Future ~ #5 is not getting her the Barbie Ultimate Dream Playhouse she’s been asking for. She’s not fucking kidding about that.

Greek leader defies France, Germany on their turf ~ Picking on the French is no big deal; you can kick ’em through the streets of Paris if that’s your thing. But leave the krauts alone. When those people get the idea in their heads that there’s an insidious foreign presence in their midst…well, they go a little nuts.

Seriously, Greece–Put Some Thought Into It Next Time. Do You Really Think Poland Likes Having To Start From Scratch Every Couple Generations?

Saddened Town Recalls History With Drug Giant ~ When he was sober, Paul was a gentleman. But then he’d get to sniffing that glue, and it wouldn’t be long before every building in town was a pile of smashed timber and the streets drowned in a river of blue ox-shit.

Anti-booty camp for male teen porn addicts ~ The camp experience harkens back to an earlier time, when there was no electricity or running water, and teenage boys had to flog the dolphin to a crumpled picture of Kathy Ireland from the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue.

WILL FERRELL AND GORDON RAMSAY INJURED IN CHARITY SOCCER MATCH ~ Sometimes you don’t have to look very far to find proof of God’s existence.

When a Government Rapes Its People ~ Well, what did the people expect, going out dressed like that?

Study – Cancer Survivors Die From Other Things ~ Yeah, that’s  a mind-blower. But here’s where it really gets weird: it turns out that people who DON’T get cancer die of other things at an even higher rate!

Sandy Alderson rips SF Giants fans ~ Those people are just plain evil, and the reasons to hate them myriad.

Wearing This Cap Is An Excellent Way To Tell The World That You Were Suckled By A She-Lemur And That You Think The Holocaust Was A Great Big Lie.

Parents Charged With Killing Daughter’s Pimp Acted Too Late ~ Apparently, pimp-killin’ has a very specific, 24-hour legal window. After that, you have to settle for a pimp-slap.

Why Is The Penis Shaped Like That?  ~ Really? So Mom & Dad never had this talk with you? Okay, well have you ever noticed how your index finger is shaped perfectly to fit inside your nostril? It’s kinda like that.

The Y-Chromosome Is Shrinking! Will Men Go Extinct? ~ If so, you won’t have very long to savor your victory.

New Mexican President Could Target Small Gangs ~ Entirely likely, as it’s the larger gangs to which he’s beholden, like the Zetas or the Mexican Army.

Kate Middleton’s ‘Rotten’ Teeth Reveal the Secret Behind Her Smile ~ It’s no secret that Kate’s British.

The Pain Can Help You Forget That You’re Eating A Boiled Kidney Pop-Tart With Blood-Gravy Filling Swimming In Brown Sauce And Vinegar.

Prince William: Who Will Be His Camilla Parker-Bowles?

31 Thursday May 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, News

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This piece originally ran on 11.19.10
By Smaktakula

Our Best To The Happy Couple! And Kate–Wear A Seatbelt, Honey.

The hearts of aging Anglophiles and reclusive shut-ins worldwide are aglow with the happy news of Prince William’s engagement to his long-time girlfriend, the lovely Kate Middleton. Kate and William, the future king of England and “good son” of Prince Charles and Diana Spencer, plan to marry sometime in 2011.

As the excitement surrounding the announcement fades in the coming weeks, the public’s attention will turn increasingly toward the next phase in this royal relationship. Soon, millions will be asking: Who will be William’s Camilla Parker-Bowles?

Camilla Parker-Bowles Is The One In The Dumpy Sweater.

Today the frumpy, horse-faced wife of the no-less plain Prince Charles is known as Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall. However, fans of late 20th Century history will remember Parker-Bowles as the frumpy, horse-faced wife of Andrew Parker-Bowles and semi-secret lover of Prince Charles. The pair married in 2005, culminating a longtime affair so passionate that in an “Eww” moment for the ages, Charles revealed his desire to be Parker-Bowles’ “Tampax.” He was joking, if it makes any difference.

The Prince Isn’t Funny: “So Then I Said To Camilla, ‘Well Then Call Me Maxi, Because I Want To Crash At Your Pad.'”

“When we ask ‘Who will be William’s Camilla?’ we’re not asking the right question,” says Tory MP Robert Howell of Pecos-upon-Orange, “The Prince is quite an accomplished young man, who fortunately has his mother’s looks. There’s no reason to suggest he couldn’t do much better with the ladies than his father. Comparisons to Parker-Bowles only serve to diminish public expectations for what William could potentially achieve, and in this we do the young Royal a great disservice.”

Adds Howell, “Frankly, it’s time we as Britons placed a higher standard upon our princes in terms of their sexual conquests. I quite think Harry’s got the idea.”

Fears That Parker-Bowles Would Emasculate The Prince Proved Unfounded.

But others aren’t so sure.  “Aye, t’ young prince ul pick a dowdy lass for sure,” says Eamonn Harker, a York shepherd, “It’s tradition, ennit?” Historian Nigel Ennis-Butterwort agrees. “Traditionally, English Royals pick attractive spouses. This is thought to be a reaction to a succession of homely Queens, such as Victoria or Elizabeth II.”

“We Are Not At All Attractive. No, Not Even A Little. It Is Most Regrettable.”

“However,” says Ennis-Butterwort, “It is in the selection of a paramour that we see the ghost of Oedipus. You’ve heard that men marry their mothers? In the case of British Royals, this is absolutely not true–they reject homely women as marriage partners–but take them as lovers.”

It’s Not That Pretty Women Don’t Appeal To The Prince.

This arrangement seems to satisfy the British commoner. “Oo wants uh queen what’s uh worn-out slag?” asks bookmaker Harry Hollis, “Nowt, at’s oo.”

“Listen, Knucklehead, I Told You I Don’t Know Prince, And That ‘Sir Charles’ Is Just An Honorific. Now For The Last Time, That Is Not My Damn Horse!”

Close observers of the Royal Family are already hard at work attempting to predict Prince William’s choice of butterfaced bed-buddy. It will be some time before there is even the slightest agreement as to the type of dog William is likely to bag, let alone consensus on a name.

Fortunately, readers of Promethean Times won’t have to wait to find out. Using our state-of-the-art prognosticative software, we’ve determined Prince William’s likely future lover. Readers will remember that Promethean Times has on one more than one occasion scooped the major media outlets by being the first to correctly identify leaders’ potential lovers, including Monica Lewinsky (Look for a plump girl of Eastern European extraction; possibly with a predilection for French headwear) and Camilla Parker-Bowles herself (Charles will most likely seek comfort in the embrace of some variety of barnyard animal).

Prince Harry On Kate: “Right. ‘Pon My Oath, I’ll Tap That Fanny ‘Ere The Passing Of A Fortnight.”

By our analysis, the Prince’s paramour will be a study of contradictions:

  • Physically unattractive, but exotic.
  • Well-educated, but somewhat backward.
  • Personally wealthy, but from a poor culture.
  • Socially inept, but commanding great power.

You heard it here first.  Prince William will make Kate Middleton the Queen of England, but not the queen of his heart. Somewhere across the whole of the Eurasian landmass William’s soulmate awaits, the Prince’s love bringing a small, brave light to the corrupted heart of a doomed land.

“Me Ruv You Rong T-T-Time.”