Tag Archives: San Joaquin Valley

Into The Valley Of The Shadow Of Meth

19 Monday Nov 2012

Posted by in Culture

≈ 16 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Tardsie

Tardsie’s a’travelin’!

Because Beauty And Livability Are Overrated.

It’s no secret that my jet-set life takes me to some pretty exciting places. Longtime readers will remember that last March I took the trip-of-a-lifetime to Valley City, North Dakota with my grandmother, and I’m sure I’ve told you at least once about that time I went to Scranton, Pennsylvania for a wedding.

It’s True. Life Takes Us To Some Pretty Exciting Places.

Today’s trip won’t pack on the mileage of either of those exotic journeys, but will very much be a journey to another world. As I write these words, tucked within the nurturing bosom of civilization and all its attendant luxuries like electricity, indoor plumbing and an atmosphere free of manure, I know that in just a few hours’ time I will be in a land that time (and just about everyone else) forgot.

I’m going to Fresno!

JEALOUS? Yeah, You’re Jealous.

Not unlike Adam and Eve, who were also driven eastward into a harsh and unforgiving land so different from the paradise to which they had become accustomed, once I cross the Santa Lucia and Temblor Ranges (really just hills if you live West of the Mississippi; mighty mountains if you don’t) I’ll be in the Appalachia of the West–the San Joaquin Valley.

“And Cain Went Out From The Presence Of The LORD, And Dwelt In The Land Of Nod, In The East Of Eden.”

Fun Facts About Fresno:

  • With over 500,000 people living in the city proper (and over 1,000,000 in the Fresno Metropolitan Area) Fresno is bigger than a lot of other shitholes which have their own professional sports teams: Cleveland, Tampa, Salt Lake City, Atlanta and Miami (while we agree that the claim sounds fantastic, it is nonetheless true).
  • With an average high of 97 degrees in August and a low of 38 degrees in January, there’s NO bad time to visit the Raisin City.
  • About the only place you’ll find more Armenians is Armenia, and you don’t want to go there.
  • Fresno is the birthplace of such high-profile stars as Kevin ‘K-Fed’ Federline.

We’ll Be Staking Out The Unemployment Office To See If We Can Get An Autograph.

Fresno: Looking Past All The Suck

07 Tuesday Feb 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Stupidity

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

By Smaktakula

Fresno Sucks Donkey Balls, It's True.

Fresno, California is a powerfully forgettable city.  Squatting like an infected zit in the center of California’s San Joaquin Valley (itself labelled a ‘New Appalachia’ by The Economist), Fresno is an embarrassing relation to California’s first-class cities: Los Angeles, San Diego, San Jose and San Francisco. Fresno is the cataclysmically retarded sibling the family keeps locked in the basement when company visits.

You Wouldn't Let Your Family Live Here, Yet This Is What Thousands Of Americans Endure Every Day.

Fresno’s abject wretchedness becomes apparent when it is understood that despite its relative obscurity, Fresno is the fifth largest city in California and 34th in the nation, making it far more populous than many other more famous and beloved cities.  Moreover, the dust-blown hellhole has long been known as a crime-ridden cesspit–pungent, filthy and unlivable, where average  July temperatures soar above 97 degrees.

MY L1F3 4 FR35N0. FR35N0 4 L1FE, Y0.

Neither are Fresnans known for their mental prowess.   In 2009 the city wallowed dead last in a national ranking of ‘Smartest Cities in America, and boasts as its primary institution of higher learning Cal State Fresno. Fresno lacks any professional sports teams,* and for famous Fresnans can list the likes of Balco’s Victor Conte, talentless rapper-cum-baby daddy K-Fed and crazy bitch Anne Heche.  Local citizens have even founded the Frebby Awards, to highlight those rare and delicate elements of Fresno life not completely saturated with suck.

So Sad.

But things may at last be looking up for the Raisin City. A recent newspaper headline has tagged Fresno with a distinction which seems to blow like an ill wind from city to blighted city throughout the American West.  Tomorrow the spotlight may be upon Tacoma, Washington, Enid, Oklahoma or any one of a hundred other loser cities, but this moment belongs to Fresno, which for today anyway, has been declared the methamphetamine capital of the United States of America.  Way to go, Fresno!

Everyone Is Special In His Or Her Own Way.

*Fresno does have a AAA baseball team, the Fresno Grizzlies. However, we hardly need remind readers that as the farm team for the San Francisco Giants, they don’t really count. ∞ T.