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Tag Archives: unfortunately-named celebrities

Milton Bradley: An Even Bigger Douche Off The Field

03 Monday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, News, Sport

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Tags

Baseball, crazy people, death by Milton Bradley, douchebaggery, Major League Baseball, Milton Bradley, Milton Bradley is batshit crazy, Seattle Mariners, unfortunately-named celebrities, Why am I so crazy?

By Smaktakula

Still Crazy, Just Not Doing It Professionally Any More.

Just a few weeks ago, it seemed that troubled former Major Leaguer Milton Bradley, out of baseball now for several months, would retire to a life of quiet anonymity completely removed from his lightning-rod professional career.  But you’ve got to hand it to the troubled former athlete–lacking fans, teammates or umpires to serve as outlets for his all-consuming flashpoint rage, the man still manages to make do.  This time the victim was his wife.

A year-and-a-half ago, before the 2010 Major League Baseball season, Promethean Times optimistically opined on Bradley’s ability to act like an adult with new team, the Seattle Mariners.  Seattle would soon prove to be the last of Bradley’s eight teams in his twelve-year MLB career.

Since His Exit From The MLB, Bradley Has Been Forced To Lower His Expectations.

Toward the end, Bradley made belated efforts to right his rapidly sinking ship.  Not long into the 2010 season Bradley requested–and was granted–a medical leave of absence from the Mariners while he dealt with his craziness.  Although Bradley’s behavior proved not to be a tremendous distraction for the Mariners, his anemic hitting was, and he was released not long into the 2011 season.

Now it seems that the hyperactive has-been is trying to improve his lifetime average of .271 at home.  His wife reportedly called the police after fleeing the house, alleging that Bradley was attacking her with a baseball bat, swinging wildly.*  Sources close to Bradley expressed disappointment, saying that the ball-player’s swing shows a real lack of patience and plate discipline.

Say What You Will About Their Product, But The Parker Brothers Always Treated Their Ladies With Respect.

* It makes you wonder what Bradley was doing with a baseball bat now that he’s no longer playing professional ball.  It’s not like Smaktakula keeps his old Arby’s uniform around for a rainy day. ∞T.

Diddy Unveils Ridiculous New Name

23 Monday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Music, Stupidity

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attention-seeking celebrities, cannabis, Diddy, dope, hemp, hip-hop, jackassery, karaoke, marijuana, mogul, multinominal, overpaid performers, P. Diddy, pot, Puff Daddy, Puffy, reefer, ridiculous names, Schwag, Sean Combs, Squiggy, Swag, sweet sweet cheeba, swiggy, unfortunately-named celebrities, untalented stars, weed

By Smaktakula
P. Diddy pops his collar

"Don't Ever Be Afraid To Let Your Ego Write Checks Your Talent Can't Pay."

Surprisingly, the public is still paying attention to the tiresome karaoke enthusiast (most recently) formerly known as Diddy.  Having followed the minimally-talented showboat through such ridiculous incarnations as ‘Puffy,’ Puff Daddy and P. Diddy, the performer’s surprisingly resilient fan base has demonstrated time and time again an admirable knack for putting up with exquisite jackassery.

This Guy Is Similarly Talented To Swag--He's A Decent Singer, And Once Knew A Big Fat Black Guy Who Liked To Rap.

That resilience is called upon once more as the multinominal mogul satisfies his rapacious and now-comical ego by sucking marrow from the bones of his waning credibility.   In honor of himself, the ex-Diddy has demanded that for the next week he be called by his exciting temporary name: Swag.

No, 'Swag'--Not 'Schwag.'

However, a cadre of techno-savvy fans believe they have solved Swag’s naming algorithm, and can predict the mercurial performer’s next incarnation.  These super-fans are already referring to Swag by his presumed next nom de hip-hop–Swiggy.

"Up Your Nose With A Rubber Hose."

We think he should go for a name that rhymes with ‘Swag’–We’ve got a good one ∞T.

Genitals Of Jersey Shore Cast Declared ‘Herpes Nest’

07 Monday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, Health, National Events, People, Places, Reality Television, Scandal, Social Networking, Television

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Tags

fake n' bake, famous for nothing, Flintstones Chewable Vitamins, Goombah, Guidettes, Guidos, herpes, Herpes Nest, Italian Stereotypes, J-Woww, Jersey Shore, promiscuity, reality television, skankery, skanks, Snooki, STDs, The Clap, The Shore, The Situation, unfortunately-named celebrities, unlike your 15 minutes of fame herpes lasts forever, Valtrex, well-known whores, your mother must be very proud

Who knew there could be consequences from living a life without consequences?   

Who knew the thought of the Jersey Shore cast gobbling Valtrex like they were Flintstones Chewable Vitamins would be so disturbing?   

Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here

What’s The Difference Between J-Woww And A Midget Con Man?  Well, One’s A Cunning Runt . . .Jersey Shore creator hands out herpes medicine to cast ‘like M&Ms,’ says report.   

Smaktakula

Milton Bradley Is Batshit Crazy

17 Monday May 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Baseball, Games, General Foolishness, Health, People, Relationships, Sports

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

anger management, Baseball, batshit crazy, booby hatch, I Kill You!, Milton Bradley, nutty as a fruitcake, personal issues, Seattle Mariners, unfortunately-named celebrities

Milton Bradley has asked for some time off from the Seattle Mariners to focus on his personal issues.

Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut . . .

Get well soon, Dear Friend.

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