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Tag Archives: dead celebrities

Singer Whitney Houston Dies

11 Saturday Feb 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment, Music, News

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Bobby Brown, Celebrity Death Watch, dead celebrities, death by Bobby Brown, death by drugs, drugs, encephalitis is no laughing matter, foolish choices, gold digger, love is blind and stupid, so sad, Whitney Houston

By Smaktakula

Whitney Wasn't Always A Reality Star. Once Upon A Time Being Famous Required Having Talent.

Whitney Houston is dead at 48 a representative of the beloved singer announced today. Although cause of death has yet to be determined, even an encephalitic gibbon knows that drugs were the most likely culprit.

After a series of chart-busting hits the 1980s and the early 1990s, Houston’s reputation and career began a rapid simultaneous decline in the late 1990s, as the multiple-platinum artist devolved into a ranting, crack-addled bag lady. The enduring tragedy of Houston’s story is that her beauty, voice and  innocence–the three transcendent qualities which made the performer unique–had been squandered long before she died.

Kids, Don't Do Drugs. But If You Absolutely Must Do Drugs, For Heaven's Sake, Do Them Correctly.

As with all stories of addiction and degradation, Houston’s fall did not occur overnight. She came to her abject and fatal road by a variety of paths, each winding tortuously through thickets of shame and poor choices and into the pungent morass of despair. Those various and meandering trails, however, if diligently followed, all terminate at a single source.

Nice One, Asshat.

Celebrities Who Left Us Too Soon: George Burns

06 Tuesday Dec 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Science

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

dead celebrities, death by old age, death by smoking, drug addiction, Goodnight Gracie!, old people, SMOKING KILLS! George Burns, the exception which proves the rule

By Smaktakula

Comedian George Burns: 1896-1996

The Great Tragedy Of Burns' Chronic Nicotine Addiction Is That It Hastened His Untimely Death.

Singer Amy Winehouse Dies Of Old Age

23 Saturday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Amy Winehouse, Celebrity Death Watch, dead celebrities, death by old age, death by overdose, drugs, untimely deaths, Who could have seen this coming?

By Smaktakula

A shocked world grieves:

On The Bright Side, Nobody's Gonna Try To Make Her Go Back To Rehab, No, No, No.

The Eternal Pervert

22 Friday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Celebrity Death Watch, credulity, dead celebrities, Elvis > Michael Jackson, Elvis Aaron Presley, former child stars, future drug overdose, Jim Morrison, King of Pop, Kurt Cobain, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, Michael Jackson, pederasts, pervertry, perverts, skepticism

By Smaktakula

The line between healthy skepticism and credulity is razor-thin.   Sorry, kids–Michael Jackson is dead.

The King Of Pop Is Touching Little Boys In Heaven Right Now.

Jim Morrison?  Dead.

Kurt Cobain?  Dead.

Lindsay Lohan?  Tick . . . Tick . . . Tick . . .

You’ll notice we didn’t include Elvis.  Some things are too serious to joke about. ∞T.

Marry Me, Stupid

26 Thursday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Anna Nicole Smith, cousin love, crackers, dead celebrities, Emil Haagerdäddi, incest, love, marriage, Maury Povich, normals, paternity tests, poor people, rednecks, rich people, sister-marryin', smart people, stupid people, white trash, Why am I so stupid?, you are not the father

By Smaktakula

The Whitaker-Whitaker Wedding Was The Biggest Shindig Taint Junction Had Seen In Living Memory. The Kids Gorged Themselves On Mayonnaise-Fried Ho-Hos, While The Adults Stood Around Drinking Turpentine From Dixie Cups.*

Throughout history, marriage has held a special place in human society.  It is one of the unique links that unites not just the different peoples of the world, but also every strata of society within individual cultures.  The rich marry, and so do the poor.  Matrimony is enjoyed by the intelligent, and by the very stupid, too.

Although the institution of marriage or some form of monogamy is nearly universal, there are vast gulfs in the way different cultures and subcultures perceive marriage.  In the West, by far the most interesting relationships are between the very dumb.  Virtually every aspect of these dimwitted relationships–the laughter, the crying, the acrimonious arguments at 2:00 AM on the front stoop–is fodder for a voyeuristic public.

Anna Nicole Was Dumb Enough To Go Down On A Microphone, And Yet She Too Found Love. Alas, It Hardly Matters As She's Dead Now.

A Florida couple, just starting out on love’s meth-addled journey, have provided fresh swill for the trough.  The unidentified man and his intended found a way to share with the whole town the good news of their retarded union.

Wanting to declare his love in writing, but rather than employ a method so prosaic as a note, the retarded Romeo spray-painted his proposal on the garage door of a Lehigh Acres home: ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME ALISON?’  The home was not his own.  Alison responded with a spray-painted affirmative.

The Mating Call Of The Red-Throated Methsucker.

“The choice of location is appropriate,” says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, chairman Emeritus of the University of Kentucky’s Department of Real American Studies and author of Crackers, Rednecks and Hicks: White Trash Culture in These United States.  “I surmise that the young man’s home–most likely his grandmother’s trailer–is in some way an unsuitable canvas for his purposes.”

Sometimes Temporary Unions Form In Which Only One Partner Is A Moron. In At Least One Instance, This Has Resulted In Teenage Mutant Ninja Herpes.

Unions between idiots are generally encouraged by society, as it keeps feeble genes within certain communities, and limits their introduction among the normals.  Haagerdäddi claims that these fears are overblown, since “These mouth-breathers often lack a chromosome or two, rendering them incapable of reproduction.  They’re essentially mules with opposable thumbs.”

The Doctor cautions, however, that “When they are able to breed, they breed like rabbits.”

The Maury Povich Show Is A Great Resource, Providing Paternity Tests The Unintelligent. We're Rooting For This Guy!

* Or as they’re called in those parts, ‘cups.’  ∞T.

Haimster And Coleman’s Academy Awards Snub

28 Monday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Academy Awards, Chris Farley, Corey Haim, dead celebrities, former child stars, Gary Coleman, Haimster, Hollywood, injustice, mulletards, mullets, Oscars, River Phoenix, Selena, small black actor, tributes, untalented stars

By Smaktakula

You Probably Know What He's Going To Say.

Hollywood was cruel to young actors Gary Coleman and Corey Haim, using and discarding them like snotty tissue.  That both men died long before their time is a testament to this contemptuous neglect.  But where many marginally talented performers, such as Chris Farley, River Phoenix or Selena were elevated in stature upon their deaths, no such honor has been accorded Coleman and Haim. Hollywood managed a posthumous ‘Fuck You!’ to the pair in last night’s Academy Awards telecast when neither was mentioned in the Oscars’ tedious tribute montage.

You Did This, Hollywood. You Did This.

This Day In History: August 16th, 1977 CE

16 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, History, Music

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

August 16, dead celebrities, Elvis Aaron Presley, Elvis Legend of Love (a poetric tribute to the KING), erotic Hummel figurines, Graceland, Marie Greenfield, swap meet treasures, Tardsie, Tardsie The Backpack, TCB, the King, this day in history, Travels With Tardsie

On which a grieving world books a room at the Heartbreak Hotel upon the sad news of the King’s death at 42.

Promethean Times' Editorial Assistant Tardsie The Backpack Poses At The Grave Of Elvis Presley.

The following poem is from Ms. Marie Greenfield’s heartfelt Elvis, Legend of Love (a poetric tribute to the KING).  The book is notable for Greenfield’s charming pen and ink drawings of butterflies, flowers and sequined guitars.

ELVIS WAS

So nifty and handsome,

So charming and wise

The dream in my heart,

The light in my eyes.

Elvis, Elvis tell me true,

Did I have a chance with you?

I would have been your clinging vine,

And you would have been mine.

Sadly, this delightful menagerie of grammar-eschewing poems devoted to the KING is no longer in print.  Although Smaktakula purchased Elvis, Legend of Love at a swap meet for a meager $2, he holds it no less dear than his impressive collection of erotic Hummel figurines.

Blue Suede Facebook

Shannon Price Is A Cooze

18 Friday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Hollywood, Justice, National Events, People, Relationships, Scandal, Television

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

ad hominem, Black Widow, cooze, dead celebrities, famous for nothing, Gary Coleman, Gary Coleman's widow, gingers, gold digger, hypocrisy, Promethean Times has neither a sense of decency nor propriety, pure evil, Shannon Price, unrepentant, vulgarity, Yoko Ono

Nothing ad hominem about it . . .          

To Add Insult To Injury: I Wouldn't Put Out

. . . Ms. Price let her husband die.  As such, our vulgarity is germane to the discussion.       

Even if this unrepentant black widow never sees a courtroom for her deeds, she’s doomed to live out the rest of her days, saddled with the guilt of killing the goose that lays the golden eggs.*       

*By ‘goose that lays the golden eggs’ we mean ‘small black actor who, insofar as we are able to determine did not actually lay golden eggs,’ but was a human being with all humanity’s accordant dignity, and deserved neither his sad death nor the snide comments Promethean Times has been making since then, up to and including this sentence. 
Alas, we’re inveterate hypocrites.

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