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Tag Archives: African strongmen

Smaktakula Is Super-Freaking Rich

13 Monday Jun 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Stupidity

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By Tardsie

No Longer Able To Enjoy The Simple Pleasures Of The Little People, Rich Dudes Like Smaktakula Do Increasingly Bizarre Things In Search Of Fulfillment.

Smaktakula announced at a press conference today that he is “Super-freaking rich” and that he is now “finally living the life I deserve.”  He punctuated this with, “Who’s laughing now, bitches?”,  which he followed up with “Nobody, that’s who.”  He then took a long draught from his pimp-cup and sprayed the audience, who in light of the author’s newfound status, could only sit there and take it.

Smaktakula: His Mind On His Money And His Money On His Mind.

Yesterday morning, a simple electronic message changed Smaktakula’s life forever, when fate plucked him from the soul-crushing poverty that ensnares most of the people reading this article, setting him gently upon the gilded pedestal reserved for the world’s elite.  It seems that a certain African leader, whose identity has yet to be revealed, must quickly get his funds out of the country in the face of an oncoming coup.

Is This Smaktakula's Mysterious Benefactor? Maybe.

For reasons too murky for Smaktakula to follow, the strongman intends to place his vast fortune into Smaktakula’s checking account. For rendering this service, Smaktakula will be allowed to keep roughly 10% of the despot’s $25 million fortune.  “Imagine what I could do with $250,000,” the ex-writer crowed, “I could buy 250,000 lottery tickets and double or even triple my fortune!”

Smaktakula's Financial Strategies Will Make Him As Rich As Croesus.

Smaktakula dismisses as sour grapes the many, many warnings he has received from people he thought were his friends that his recent good luck is an email scam.  The blogger, who describes himself as a “super-genius–way smarter than you,” is not worried.  “I did my research, and I know about Nigerian scams,” he says.  “This email comes from N’Djamena, Chad–which is a whole different country.  I checked it out on Wikipedia.  It’s legit.”

"Chad." It Sounds Fake To Us, Too. But Nope, It's A Real Country.

Smaktakula has provided his account information as requested, and since then has been eagerly checking his balance every five minutes or so.  To his former readers at Promethean Times, the gazillionaire had this to say: “So long, paupers!  If you ever see me around here again, you can bet that I fucked up real bad!”

It IS Pretty Unbelievable!

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G’Bye, Gbagbo!

11 Monday Apr 2011

Posted by in News, Politics

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By Smaktakula

The Outgoing President Expressed Regret That He Was Unable To Fulfill His Mission To Plunder The Nation's Coffers.

Closure comes today to the months-long standoff in Ivory Coast as forces loyal to UN-backed President Alassane Ouattara arrested former President Laurent Gbagbo, who had been steadfastly refusing to leave office.  The outgoing president is said to be in good spirits following his capture, although suitably embarrassed that his regime is the first in living memory to be successfully toppled by French troops.

With the electoral crisis resolved, this augurs to be a time of healing for the small African nation.  Ivorians are looking forward to a euphoric and all-too-brief honeymoon of high expectations before Ouattara regime transitions to a more traditional leadership role and begins to liquidate the country’s resources while engaging in the slaughter of his enemies.

"This Is A Time To Put Away Anger And Come Together As Ivorians. When The UN Leaves--Only Then Can We Begin The Wholesale Killings."

Ivorian Crisis In Endgame; World Finally Notices

05 Tuesday Apr 2011

Posted by in Culture, History, Music, Politics

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By Smaktakula

The People Of Ivory Coast Have Thrown Of The Shackles Of Oppression And Embraced Their New Tyrant.

At last it appears that the months-long electoral crisis in Ivory Coast is about to be resolved to the world’s satisfaction.  The international community has long backed challenger Alassane Ouattara over incumbent Laurent Gbagbo, believing that it’s high time the tiny West African nation had a new overlord.

Alassane Ouattara "My Opponent Failed To Realize That The International Community Was Semi-Serious About Regime Change."

Ouattara appears up to the challenge.  During the months-long standoff, the UN-supported candidate’s forces have managed to kill more civilians than the beleaguered Gbagbo, whose powers as an African strongman appear to be fading.

"After So Many Months Of The Ivorian Stalemate, At Last An End Is In Sight, An End Which Reflects The Will Of The Free And Sovereign People Of Ivory Coast, Who Have Used This Freedom To Pick A Strongman Of Their Own Choosing, Who Will Trample Liberties In Accordance With The People's Wishes And Not Act As An Irresponsible Autocrat."

International leaders have noted Gbagbo’s weakness.  Normally-cautious US President Barack Obama felt emboldened enough by the developments to call for Gbagbo’s immediate ouster.  Time is clearly running out for yesterday’s despot, who is said to be confined to his residence, and close to announcing a cease-fire.

The World Signaled Its Commitment To Ending The Crisis By Sending French Forces To Ivory Coast.

Ouattara is said to be eagerly awaiting the changeover.   His supporters promise that the Outtara regime will usher in an era of freedom and democracy that will last as long as the new leader is in power, which is expected to be several decades.

If You Can't Unseat The Tyrant You Hate, Baby, Better Unseat The Tyrant You Can.

Whatever Happened To Ivory Coast?

25 Friday Feb 2011

Posted by in Crime, News

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By Smaktakula

You Are Here. Bad Break, Friend.

In the weeks before the Burning Man Revolution put all other African news on the back-burner, simmering troubles came to a boil in West Africa’s Ivory Coast, where a disputed election threatened to tear apart the nation’s fragile peace.  The trouble began when the country’s incumbent president, Laurent Gbagbo, refused to cede power to his rival, Alassane Ouattara, the internationally recognized winner of the election.

The Ivorian Flag: We're Guessing Not A Lot Of Thought Went Into The Design.

These tumultuous events transpired several weeks ago. It’s probably safe to imagine that the situation in Ivory Coast has been resolved, either by internal agreement or through the use of UN Peacekeepers.  If Gbagbo were still claiming power and the country sliding once again into civil war, not only would global news organizations keep us informed, but celebrities–our national conscience–would be striving mightily to keep Ivory Coast’s troubles on the forefront of the public’s mind.

After all, that’s how we saved Darfur.

These UN Peacekeepers Prevented The Election Crisis In Ivory Coast From Getting Out Of Hand.