Category Archives: Promethean Times

True Facts: Camel Toe Not Caused By Camels

25 Wednesday Apr 2012

Posted by in Culture, Science

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By Smaktakula

The Reality Is More Unpleasant.

For years, it has popularly been believed that camel toe, the unsightly, mystery-killing condition which arises when a lady’s pants are too tight, is spread through contact with dromedaries and other large mammals. That a synonym for this unfortunate condition is “moose knuckle,” should further illustrate this misconception.

Not Guilty!

In reality, the source of this affliction is much more prosaic–opossums.  It is bad enough that these filthy, stupid and cowardly little creatures invade our yards and sometimes our homes as well, but to do this while at the same time robbing our womenfolk of their dignity is far beyond the pale. Anyone who has a mother, a sister, a daughter or a wife–we urge you to show your love for that special gal in your life by grabbing the nearest brick and smashing the life out of a few of these skulking night-rats.

Even In The Off-Chance We’re Wrong, Kill A Few Anyway. The World Will Thank You.

In Canada, They Call It The ‘Caribou Cleft.’

You’re Going To Have To Use Your Imagination Here.

More Of A “Moose Knuckle,” Really.

Tardsie’s True-Ass Tales: I Am Such An Ah-So

24 Tuesday Apr 2012

Posted by in Culture, History

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By Tardsie

To Get Your Head Around This Story, It Might Be Helpful To Picture Tardsie With Not Just Arms And Legs, But A Big Fat Mouth As Well.

It’s bad to be a racist, but it’s worse to be a bad racist.

When I was a kid, I was an obnoxious little snot, whose quick mouth earned me many a well-deserved ass-kicking. One time, in fifth grade, I was picking on an Indian kid (dot-head, not scalphunter). Being a racially insensitive lad (a trait which, as the previous parenthetical notations so ably demonstrate, I’ve thankfully outgrown) I decided to go ethnic.

As Difficult As It May Be For You To Believe, There Was A Time When We Were Really Insensitive.

You may wonder, Gentle Readers, whether I would have been more inclined to be sensitive had not the boy, whom we’ll call ‘Indian Kid’ (not his real name), and his younger brother, ‘Indian Kid’s Little Brother’, been the only Indian kids in school. I leave that matter for our readership to determine.

Actually, They Looked Nothing Like This.

Already brave and courteous, I created a perfect storm of honor by displaying my ignorance not only of other cultures, but more damningly, of the proper slurs by which to insult them. The best I could come up with for Indian Kid was “Ah-So!” like the stereotypical Hollywood ‘Chinaman’ of the thirties and forties. And of course, I went ‘Full Celestial,’ bucking out my teeth,  squinting my eyes, and topping it off with a little clasp-handed bow.

Yeah, That's Pretty Much It Right There.

Indian Kid actually put up with about a half-day of my horse-shit–‘Ah-Sos’ in the lunch line and on the playground, solemn bows from across the room during class–before he’d finally had enough, and decided to tell somebody during the long, after-lunch recess. But apparently, Indian Kid had misunderstood me–he told the playground monitor that I had called him an asshole.

You'd Think I Could At Least Have Come Up With This, But I Was Drawing A Blank.

When the playground monitor, Lady Who Spent Her Childhood In A Japanese Internment Camp During WWII (not her real name), asked me if I’d called Indian Kid an asshole, I told her, “Yes. Yes, that’s just what I called him.”

I Learned A Valuable Lesson, But Just What Exactly Is Open To Debate.

Happy 4/20!

20 Friday Apr 2012

Posted by in Culture, News

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By Smaktakula

Get It? It's An Interstate Sign, But It Says 420, Man! Oh, Shit, Is That Fucking Funny Or Am I Just Really, Really High?

Although most respectable folks are probably unaware of it, marijuana abusers have developed their own culture over the years. United by this culture, as well as their love for their brain-numbing herb, hemp-heads communicate with one another through jargon and weird shibboleths.

You Thought Pot Culture Began & Ended Here, Didn't You? We Wish.

If you’re not a dirty stoner, you can perhaps be forgiven for not knowing that today, April 20, is a special day for devotees of cannabis culture. The significance of the date is derived from the number 420 (e.g., the 20th day of the 4th month), which is of special significance to the dissipated ranks of weed warriors.

Because Normally Pot Culture Is So Subtle.

It’s likely that almost every cheeba-monkey you’ll meet will claim to know the significance of this number. Any claim to certainty is false. There are several theories–some more likely than others–as to the origins of 420, none of which has ever been proven conclusively.

Lewis County, Washington: "We May Fuck Sheep And Our Next Of Kin, But Never Will We Soil Our Lungs With The Sweet, Sweet Cheeba."

The explanations are vast, stemming from the easy-to-debunk, such as the notion that 420 is police code for a drug violation, to the credible, that 4:20 roughly coincides with British Tea Time. However, the most commonly accepted explanation traces the word’s origins back to San Rafael, California high school students in 1971, who would meet after class at 4:20 to indulge their addiction.

Like You Can Believe Anything These People Say.

The most insidious thing about the date 4-20 is that it gives stoners a veneer of respectability and self-control. Making such a visual show of their reefer madness on this day gives an innocent public the erroneous notion that dopers refrain from smoking until 4.20, rather than the shocking truth, that it’s more like 24-7.

As Ridiculous As The Excuse Is, We're Inclined To Believe Tardsie When He Says He's Never Inhaled. No Lungs.

So can I still be president? ∞ T.

This Day In History: April 19, 1775 CE

19 Thursday Apr 2012

Posted by in History

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On which, with the help of British Redcoats who wish to seize a cache of gunpowder, the nascent nation of America invents the bumper-sticker slogan, “You’ll Take My Gun When You Pry It From My Cold, Dead Hands.”

"This Is Just The Beginning, Brothers! Before Our Great Experiment Has Run Its Course, We Will Have Vanquished An Entire Alphabet Of Foes!"

Just the same, you should probably stop BEFORE you get to “V.” ∞ T.

True Facts: Audiobooks

18 Wednesday Apr 2012

Posted by in Culture, Entertainment

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By Smaktakula

Few Works Of Literature Have Had Such A Profound Effect Upon Our Development. We're Not Kidding About This One.

Rapid advances in technology and the world’s ever-burgeoning “Stupid Factor” are both contributing to the incipient extinction of the book in its traditional form. That portion of the public which still wastes its time reading now has a broad spectrum of media from which to choose, including traditional books, e-books and, frighteningly, audiobooks.

Okay, This Doesn't Even Make Sense. To Start With, Books Don't Have Ears.

Reading is a personal, and often private activity. Yet increasingly, the public is abrogating its own reading responsibility, leaving the heavy lifting to an anonymous reader. Most people would feel uncomfortable letting a complete stranger blow their nose or unzip their fly, but have not even a second thought about inviting some stranger into their most personal space–their heads.

'Book Of Losers?' We Imagine That Included Among Its Pages Are People Who Actually Read Books.

Given the recent increase in the popularity of audiobooks, it is somewhat surprising that there is so little concern among the public regarding who–or what–is whispering in its collective ear. It’s no great stretch of the imagination to suppose that the mellifluous voice coming through your headphones belongs to a pot-addled, potty-mouthed degenerate with at least one arrest for arson. It could be someone even worse.

Is This The Kind Of Dangerous Creepo You Want Reading To Your Kids?

Lastly, there’s the well-documented fact that listening to audiobooks causes bladder cancer.

Audiobooks: For Degenerates, By Degenerates.

Here’s some other 100% true stuff:

Seriously, would we lie to you? ∞ T.

Headlines: Titanic Edition

17 Tuesday Apr 2012

Posted by in History, News

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By Smaktakula

As A Means Of Transportation, It's No Less Reliable Than Amtrak.

In keeping with the Titanic theme, sometimes even a 100-year-old tragedy can bring out the stupid in today’s headlines. Enjoy!

***

Cruise has bad luck retracing Titanic ~ Really? Because you’d think following in the footsteps of the most infamous maritime disaster in history would be good luck.

Officials: Human remains at Titanic shipwreck site ~ Well, thank God recovery efforts haven’t been so sloppy in the rest of the inestimable number of shipwrecks throughout humanity’s troubled existence, or the seabed would literally be lined with corpses!

10 Things That Made the Titanic a Tragedy ~ The boat was late, Cousin Ernie waited all night at the docks, and Lady Devereaux lost 8 priceless glass dildos. But otherwise it was a really good trip.

Texas restaurant recreates first-class meal on Titanic ~ The entrée is a bloated corpse atop a briny bed of kelp and ice.

Titanic’s captain is honoured on street where he was born ~ And that’s why they call it “Lookout Lane.”

This Explanation Makes As Much Sense As Any Other.

Titanic: They sent out wrong messages ~ “Help! The Ship is stinking!” just didn’t make much sense.

New York: In the footsteps of Titanic survivors ~ Not hard to follow. They leave soggy tracks across the carpet.

Another Titanic mystery: Did sunspots play a role? ~ Nope.

Titanic: there are lessons to be learned from its early plunge ~ Chief among them: Avoid Icebergs.

If We Had To Pick An Exact Moment When Things Went Bad, This Would Be It.

A lingering nightmare from the Titanic ~ We don’t remember much about the dream except that it was very cold, and it seemed like we couldn’t breathe.

If Solomon Had Been Aboard the Titanic ~ He’d be dead now–if not from drowning then surely from old age.

The Prodigal Grandchild

13 Friday Apr 2012

Posted by in Culture

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By Smaktakula

Hey, These Things Aren't Free.

We understand. Your lust for easy credit, malt liquor and Scratch ‘Em tickets has left you and your family in a not-inconsiderable financial bind. Naturally, your first inclination is to recoup the money by selling some of your property. However, what do you do when your home is on its third of fourth mortgage, your car is worthless and no one else seems to see the value in your Many Faces of Bob Saget collectors plates?

We Wouldn't Sell You If We Could.

Why, sell Grandma’s place of course! The place is too big for her now, and anyway, when you were a kid, she said something about maybe leaving you part of the house someday, so you’re just being financially prudent by realizing your investment before the housing market takes a further tumble. Grandma will no doubt enjoy being able to tell all the other inmates in her new, state-funded institution how her darling grandchild is a financial whiz. Everybody wins!

When We Moved Grandma Into Shady Acres, We Told Her We Were Going To The Circus. Grandma Got A Big Kick Out Of That.

The Roots Of Evil

12 Thursday Apr 2012

Posted by in Culture

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By Smaktakula

I hate those people who love to tell you
Money is the root of all that kills
They have never been poor
They have never had the joy of a welfare Christmas

Everclear

Sometimes a noble and worthwhile notion becomes lost within the confines of a hidebound maxim, its actual truth rendered forfeit to inflexible dogma. Among many such maxims is the old chestnut, “Money is the root of all evil.”

Remember, Folks: It Isn't The Money That Makes Him An Insufferable Cock.

It’s easy enough to believe. We’ve all known accounts of children who go hungry for want of money to buy food, and have perhaps been victims of theft ourselves, and know the hurt that greed can bring. A big wad of cash, after all, is enough to end a life. Conversely, we must also remember that money can  save a life, or many lives. Money can be used to buy food for that starving child. Money is a tool, and more than that, a concept; it is not evil in and of itself.

"I Didn't Do It For The Money, Man! I Did It For Love! And Because Steely Dan Said I Should."

To demonstrate money’s relative innocence in human evil, one has only to imagine Adolf Hitler, universally regarded as a wicked, wicked man. Hitler, although regularly used as a yardstick against by which various dictators, as well as to the last two American presidents, have been measured, was a uniquely iniquitous person, despicable enough to make even the devil blush. But for all his epic malignancy, there aren’t too many people who will argue that Hitler was in it to turn a profit.  Quite the opposite, in fact. It has been demonstrated time and time again that the abrupt removal of Jewish people from the community leads to an immediate and catastrophic implosion of the economy.

"So This Putz Is Thinking Maybe There's Someplace He Can Find A Good Lawyer For His War Crimes Trial? 'Good Luck To You,' I Told Him."