10 Monday Jun 2013
Posted in Culture
A few years ago I had three selections published in a short-short fiction (55 words and under) competition. I enjoy micro-fiction as a writing exercise, and enjoy reading it when done well, but not too many people take it seriously. You can decide for yourself whether I did, as I’ve included all three stories in glorious Hear-O-Vision.
Canis Diabolus
Dark Days in Derwinshire
Grace and Stephen (inexplicably titled The Favor for publication)
09 Sunday Jun 2013
Posted in Culture
Contempt knows no color. Disdain cares nothing for national borders.
We’re proud of our track record. In a relatively short time, we’ve managed to say some pretty shitty things about a lot of people. From the Inuits in the north, to the Chinese in the east, the Zimbabweans in the south, the good old US of A in the West, and just about everybody else in between, Promethean Times can be downright promiscuous with its criticism. We’ve made fun of gay people, straight people and the sexually ambivalent; we’ve kicked Christians, Muslims, Jews and Ramtharians. We’ve even made fun of the Amish. Druggies, weirdos and the very stupid–we try to hit ’em all.
But invariably, no matter how diligently mean-spirited, no single institution can possibly hope to insult everyone, despite how much we might wish otherwise. Readers might wonder, for example, just what we find so special about the Swedish people that we have yet to take them…
View original post 709 more words
07 Friday Jun 2013
Posted in True-Ass Tales
Tags
ethnicity, Germany, Germany's dark history, it's an awesome name, Krauts, Tardsie's True-Ass Tales, unfortunate names
Let’s remember that name-calling hurts.
04 Tuesday Jun 2013
Tags
Alzheimer's, Amanda Bynes, Barack Obama, bullies, C-section, cannabis, capital punishment, dope, duck, fun with stereotypes, grass, headlines, hemp, Honey Boo Boo, ignorance--it's what we do, Islam, Japan, Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Carter attacked by rabbit, Jimmy Carter fails to bring the hostages home, Jimmy Carter gives away the Panama Canal, Jimmy Carter kills a hooker, Koreans, Latinos, LeBron James, Los Angeles, mairjuana, master-monkey, nerds, Nigeria, places that suck, pot, pregnancy, reality television, reefer, Rihanna, Sri Lanka, Sufism, sweet sweet cheeba, tallywhacker snatchers, third-world hellhole, United Kingdom, United States of America, weed
No, We’re Not Going To Use This As A Cheap Opportunity To Poke Fun At Nigeria. People Have To Live In That Lightless Hellhole, You Know.
What does it really feel like to fall out of a building? ~ It hurts real bad.
How ACL Injuries Are Detected on the Field ~Healthcare providers first look for an athlete lying on the field in a fetal position, cradling his or her knee and screaming.
What Birds Teach Us About Babies ~ That babies love nothing better than having hot food puked directly into their waiting little mouths.
8 things to know about L.A.’s Koreatown ~ The two most important ones are to leave your dog at home and to make sure your auto policy includes collision coverage.
Help! My Cousin Won’t Tell Her Boyfriend She Used To Be a Man. ~ Which is why we make it a point to ask our dates for childhood photos as well as for bus fare home.
Man Accused of Raping Duck — Yes, Man Accused of Raping Duck ~ There’s no need to write that twice. We could have just reread the line if we were into that kind of thing.
After What They’ve Been Doing To Our Women For Years, We Say It’s About Time The Ducks Got A Taste Of Their Own Medicine.
Woman is Set On Fire During a C-section ~ Well if you think a C-section is painful, you should try giving birth vaginally.
It’s Official: She’s Pregnant! ~“And I’m officially joining the Peace Corps and flying off to Borneo, perhaps never to return. Isn’t that just the wildest coincidence ever?”
I’m Not Pregnant, I’m Just Fat ~ Well, in a very real way you’ve been knocked-up by Yoo-Hoo and jelly doughnuts.
Incredibly Humanlike New Species of Blond Monkey Discovered in Congo ~ So you’re saying this blond monkey is somehow superior to all his monkey brethren and it is incumbent upon him to someday rule them all with an iron monkey fist? Heavy.
Bad news: Jimmy Carter comes out against marijuana legalization ~ You were a shitty president, Jimmy–a shitty, shitty president.
Spelling Bee Champ Ponders Next Move ~ Avoiding the bully who’s waiting to kick his little ass the moment he steps down from the podium.
Look, You Can’t Deny It. This Kid Is Just BEGGING To Have His Ears Boxed And Maybe Get Stuffed Into His Own Locker. “Where’s Your Theory Of Relatives Now, Eisenstein?”
Why Poor People Are Still Dying for Our T-Shirts ~ ‘Cause our T-Shirts are hella cool!
Woman convicted of torture, mayhem for severing husband’s penis ~We are opponents of capital punishment, believing it to be unnecessary and cruel, and that moreover it has proven ineffective in deterring crime. However, in this instance we feel wholly justified in gleefully wishing death upon this malicious tallywhacker snatcher.
Piercing a Baby’s Ear: The Latino Dilemma ~ It’s not ‘Whether to learn Inglés?’
The man who split Obama’s lip speaks ~ “They’ll tell you that the worst thing about Guantanamo Bay is the food, but really, it’s the heat.”
Time Magazine Will Not Tell You How to Cure Cancer ~ Then Time Magazine can go fuck itself.
Honey Boo Boo’s Parents Not Legally Married ~ How unfortunate. Hopefully this revelation won’t turn the young girl’s life into some kind of degrading spectacle.
But For Her Sake, Promise Us That You’ll Continue To Comport Yourself With Dignity And Class.
Sucking Your Child’s Pacifier Clean May Have Benefits ~ Ha! No, not really. We just wanted to see if you’d try it. Where’s your dignity?
Can Sufism defuse radical Islam? ~ Sufis don’t make a habit of blowing shit up, so probably not.
How Much Do You Know About Alzheimer’s Disease? ~ “I’ve forgotten more about Alzheimer’s than you’ll ever know!”
For a Nation of Whiners, Therapists Try Tough Love ~ The results? Whining.
10 of the Worst Prisons in the World—Only 5 Are American ~ Damn. We would have thought at least seven or eight would be domestic products. It’s true: the American Century has at last come to an end.
Up Close with the Clitoris ~ “Up close” isn’t really the best way to see it.
Did Amanda Bynes Attack Rihanna On Twitter? ~ Twitter is a text-based platform that only allows a user to post words and images. So no, she didn’t, and just asking makes you a pussy.
So Do You See The Difference Between Your Feelings And Your Face Now? You Can Bet Your Ass Rihanna Does.
10 Ways Japan Can Add 8.2 Million Women to the Work Force ~ # 6: Kill 8.2 million dudes.
Princess Kate undergoes hypnotherapy to treat food aversion ~ In the United Kingdom a food aversion is also called “common sense.”
Best Birth Control for Older Women ~ Being an older woman.
How to Beat LeBron James ~ We recommend using no fewer than two lead pipes and maybe a bicycle chain.
Sri Lankan inmate stashes phone in rectum ~ It sounds painful, we know. But don’t worry–it wasn’t HIS rectum.
What women don’t want: ‘Run boobies, run!’ ~ Guys don’t want that either! We want those suckers right where we can see ’em.
We’ve Got Your Back. Figuratively Speaking.
29 Wednesday May 2013
Posted in Culture
As I’m working a grueling, 25-hour work-week (where I’m required to wear shoes), I thought I’d repost this tale of a time when I wasn’t such a responsible guy.
Ever been banned for life from a movie theater? Join the club.
23 Thursday May 2013
Posted in Culture
Because if fearing the left-handed is wrong, we don’t want to be…correct.
Regardless of your willingness to take a hard, long look at the truth, the fact remains that humanity is beset by an insidious societal blight which affects as much as 10% of the world’s population. Increasingly, the remaining 90%, or ‘normals,’ as they are most commonly known, seem ready to let their own culture be relegated to history’s dustbin rather than take the necessary steps to ensure that these genetic timebombs mend their incorrect ways. This view is not simply short-sighted in its naiveté, but downright foolish in its refusal to confront the very real threat creeping up on us from our blind side. Simply put, we dig our own grave when we downplay or refuse to acknowledge altogether the treacherous iniquity of left-handed people.
Despite the very real danger posed by southpaws, those few journalists brave enough to bring attention to the goofy-handed threat are branded bigots…
View original post 641 more words
15 Wednesday May 2013
Posted in Culture
You didn’t get what you wanted for Christmas and it sucks so bad it feels like a kick in the face. Your friends all got iPads–which they’re not even gonna use!–and all you got was two reams of college-rule notebook paper from your grandma.¹ We feel you, Bro.
If we might offer a tiny balm for your first world boo-boo, concentrate instead on the relatively lavish life you live in comparison to the rest of the world (and remember, not everybody lives in Sweden, Singapore or Andorra). Don’t let yourself be bummed by the idea that you’re one paycheck from being homeless. In reality, you’re one paycheck away from ruining your parents’ plan to turn your old room into a leather-dungeon, and believe us, their degeneracy can wait a year or two until you meet a nice girl who makes you go out and find…
View original post 131 more words
12 Sunday May 2013
Posted in True-Ass Tales
Tags
I spoke the following words at my mother’s funeral several years ago. My life was very different when I wrote these lines, and now I’m married with children of my own. But in revisiting these words for the first time in years and with the perspective of a man who has seen a good deal more of life than he who wrote them, I am reminded more than ever of how true they are.
There was nobody like her.
It’s Worth Everything To Know That No Matter How Bad You Fuck Up, Someone Still Loves You.
***
It’s impossible to capture in words the full measure of someone you love and admire so deeply as I do my mother.
Many of the people here today knew my mother well, and are acquainted with her many superlative qualities. She was an intelligent, accomplished, funny, loving woman.
But sometimes there are subtle aspects to a person, which are easily overlooked because they are qualities which run true and deep.
In my mother, one of these characteristics was her tremendous strength of spirit. My mother was a gentle woman, and so often it seems that gentleness is mistaken for weakness. This was never so with my mother; she was fierce in fighting for the people she loved, and resolute in defending the things she valued.
My mother talked to me often about my father’s death, and how that event had impacted her life and would shape the remarkable woman she would become. A self-described “surfer girl,” she had envisioned for herself a life as a homemaker, and had never given serious thought to a career. But when she found herself widowed and pregnant at twenty-five, she found also her own strength, which was to become so characteristic of the funny, fearless woman I grew up knowing. My mother became a woman she never dreamed existed. She worked hard and made sacrifices along the way, many of them in private. She never complained.
Sometimes, including her recent illness, well-meaning people would suggest to my mother that she’d had a rough life. My mother was honestly surprised by this sentiment, as she felt very fortunate to have lived the life she did. She told me many times that life was full of sorrows, but that life’s joys outnumbered them, and that was the point of being alive. She kept this attitude to the last of her days.
People have asked if my mother suffered during her illness, and yes, she did suffer. But she lived every day of her life.
My mother enjoyed being alive, and drew her joy from the people around her – friends and loved ones. To her, the people and animals in her life were more valuable than all the riches of the world, and she was grateful for their love and attention. My mother believed in unconditional love, and in championing those things which matter. She believed that kindness trumped anger. She believed that faith and hope triumphed over suffering and despair.
{My mother} was the most amazing woman I’ve ever had the good fortune to meet. I’m so much luckier that she was my mother.
You’re A Hard Act To Follow.
11 Saturday May 2013
Posted in True-Ass Tales
When You Find Yourself Bragging About Amenities Like Running Water Or Paved Streets, It’s Time To Face The Ugly Fact That You’ve Got Nothing At All Going For You.
Part II in our hard-hitting series on Gentleman’s Clubs. Be sure to check out Part I: De-Billed and Unfulfilled.
Kids Possibly Getting Hurt Off-Camera!
West Coast Chauvinism!
Bad Singing!
10 Friday May 2013
Recently, Promethean Times received this spam message:
| Invest In Gold goldira3.com/ 125.230.254.224 |
Submitted on 2013/04/24 at 6:44 am
Invest In Gold… Does renter’s insurance cover jewelry…. |
Boy, Did You Come To The Right Guy!
That’s a great question, Anonymous Spambot, and while we’re not interested in investing in gold at this time, we’d be more than happy to answer your query.
First of all, I’m delighted to hear that you have Renter’s Insurance. Despite being inexpensive and readily available, Renter’s Insurance, which most often includes a package of personal property protection, liability and guest medical coverage, is vastly underutilized in America today. The reasons are myriad, ranging from grossly underestimating the expense required to replace clothing, furniture and electronics in the event of a covered loss to a failure to understand the very real need for this product (e.g., “If the pipes burst, and water destroys all my stuff, my landlord will pay for it.”).
But to your question, “Will Renter’s Insurance Cover My Jewelry?” the answer is NO. Most Renter’s policies don’t cover unique or hard-to-replace items for more than an aggregate $1,000, if they cover them at all. In the event of a loss, these items will likely not be covered at their full value. Fortunately, many Renter’s policies allow you to schedule unique or hard-to-replace items at appraised values for an additional fee and a written appraisal from a qualified expert.
Your insurance agent will be more than happy to help you determine your exact needs in regard to scheduling jewelry and other high-value items on your Renter’s policy. We hope our advice has helped, and that your journey forward in the fascinating world of insurance minutiae is a rewarding one! Come again.
I Try To Bring A Sense Of Quiet Professional Dignity To Everything I Do.
Promethean Times 