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Tag Archives: bacon

You May Now Eat The Bride

11 Wednesday Apr 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

bacon, batshit crazy, commercials we do not like, I Love Bacon, Jack In The Box, Jews, muslims, pig-fuckers, pigs, pork, pork is Muslim kryptonite, you got a real purty snout

By Smaktakula

Gawrsh! We Wouldn't Know What To Buy If The Man On The TeeVee Didn't Tell Us.

At least 99% of television commercials are mind-numbing horseshit. That Madison Avenue pitchmen are able not only able to part consumers from their hard-earned cash for products they want and need, but also to concoct and sell products for which there was previously no need, is a testament both to their skill and to the credulity of the purchasing public. However, occasionally these advertising geniuses use their talents to such unspeakable ends that we are forced to take notice. A recent example of this type of airwave abortion is Jack In The Box’s odious I Love Bacon.

The commercial’s premise is fundamentally flawed, assuming that the “I” watching the advertisement does indeed love the sodium-saturated snap of sizzling swineflesh.  Gentle readers, be assured that this “I” most certainly does not enjoy this artery-stuffing repast, refusing to pollute his body with the filthy swine. We have watched with growing horror as America’s ongoing flirtation with the pig has recently blossomed into romance, leaving in its greasy wake a host of bacon-themed products, including the faddishly inedible bacon sundae.

Even The Most Atheistic Of Atheists Has Got To Know, Deep Down, That This Is An Affront To God Almighty.

Moreover, this commercial may rankle those groups, most notably Jews and Muslims, whose faith proscribes pork products of any kind. These commercials will most likely not prove any more offensive to Jews (some who may secretly indulge their own love of bacon in a neighborhood with low synagogue-saturation), who after centuries of persecution have learned to discern actual threats from those matters which simply cause the bunching of panties. The Muslim community, however, has of late gained a good deal of traction from the notion that if something is perceived as offensive to the faith, then it should be seen by no one. This could prove problematic for Jack In The Box, as pig-meat is among the many, many things Muslims find ritually unclean and therefore mortally offensive.

Fortunately, It's Unlike Muslims To Go All Batshit Crazy Over Someone Else's Lifestyle Choices.

It is not often we find ourselves in complete agreement with anachronistic fundamentalist wackos with nasty beards, but today is one of those rare times. By even joking about marriage between a man and a food product, Jack In The Box sets a dangerous standard. Rather than the clever commercial it pretends to be, Jack In The Box’s I Love Bacon campaign is a dangerous incitement to America’s impressionable youth, telling them it’s perfectly okay to grow up to be a pig-fucker.

Oooh, You're Dirty Girls, Aren't You? Say It! Say, "We're Dirty Girls!"

***

Self-Confessed Pig-Fucker.

***

Keep Waterboarding In The Home Where It Belongs

12 Tuesday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Amnesty International, bacon, bacon attack, Bacon is evil!, bad grandparents, bad kids, child abuse, Clinton Heights, Evil Ones, gingers, Granny Gitmo, Guantanamo Bay, Marilee Ann Kolynych, nanny state, parental rights, Pennsylvania, Problem Child, wakeboarding, waterboarding

By Smaktakula

Granny Gitmo

Clinton Heights, Pennsylvania, has joined that growing list of places where parents are legally prohibited from disciplining their own children as they see fit.  63-year-old grandmother Marilee Ann Kolynych learned this the hard way when she sought to teach her grandson a lesson about gluttony.

Kolynych has apparently long prided herself in taking an active role in raising her grandchildren.  So, one morning when her grandson proved too rapacious at breakfast, consuming a few extra slices of bacon, Kolynych took matters into her own hands.  Kolynych chased the boy into the yard and forced him to the ground, while beating him about the arms and legs and spraying him full in the face with a garden hose.

You Don't Think This Kid Deserves It? Maybe Just A Little?

Although the boy was not seriously harmed during the pre-lunch assault, and will certainly think twice in the future before snatching an extra piece of breakfast meat, Kolynych was arrested the following day.  She is now free on bail.

We Get Waterboarding And Wakeboarding Mixed Up. Which Is The Fun One Again?

Activists on both sides of this issue are studying Kolynych’s ordeal with great interest.  Some agree with the prosecution that the Guantanamo Granny’s actions constitute abuse, and hope that Kolynych will receive a fitting punishment.  However, many others feel that American parents are slowly losing the right to discipline their own children.

Promethean Times agrees with these beleaguered parents.  Is it not enough that we can no longer use waterboarding techniques to extract recipes and childhood memories from the Evil Ones?  Not content to stop there, the courts now see fit to strip this age-old right from parents.

Even Amnesty International Doesn't Have A Problem With Waterboarding If Your Child Is A Ginger.

As Promethean Times has previously noted, this is not the first time that a pork product has sown the seeds of discord and aggression. ∞T.

Pork: The Other Hate Meat

09 Thursday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Politics, Religion, Stupidity

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

1st Amendment, Americans' self-loathing, anti-semitism, apology, bacon, bacon attack, Bacon is evil!, bunched panties, Filthy Jews!, free speech, hate crime, hate food, Islam, Islamic law, Jews, Kevin Bacon, Koran, meat, muslims, my religious values trump your liberties, North Carolina, pigs, pork, pork is Muslim kryptonite, Porky Pig, puppies, religion of peace, religious intolerance, ritual cleanliness, Scotland, special needs, unclean things, United States of America, whining, your hot sister

By Smaktakula

Get It Straight: Bacon Doesn't Love You. It's Only Hanging Around To Get A Crack At Your Hot Sister.

In American society’s quest to regulate speech in the interests of sensitivity and to answer the burning question Why are we so full of hate?, it must constantly reexamine various societal motifs and weed out those which have gained hateful properties. One of America’s favorite meats has undergone such a transformation: pork has stepped over to the dark side.  It is now a hate meat.

So If You Were Trapped On A Desert Island, And The Only Things Available To Eat Were Either A Pig Or A Jewish Dude . . .

To Muslims, the pig is one of many objects and things proscribed by Islam as ritually unclean.  Detractors of the Religion of Peace have begun to exploit this injunction.  Pork-related anti-Muslim attacks are on the rise across the country, including a recent episode where the words PIG and CHUMP were spelled out in bacon on a sidewalk in front of a North Carolina mosque.  For many within the Muslim community this was no bit of porcine playfulness, but nothing less than a direct assault on the peaceful teachings of Islam–a hate crime.

Not Quite So Literal, Jackass.

Some observers wonder: Are anti-Muslim activities on the rise, or has the Muslim community become more sensitive?  The Jewish faith has a similar proscription against pork, and has no doubt suffered many of the same food-related indignities as have Muslims in its long association with American life.  Nonetheless, we don’t hear as much about the hate food issue from Jewish people, who are perhaps more concerned with actual violence–sometimes perpetrated by Muslims–rather than imagined, symbolic violence.

While We're On The Subject Of Ritual Cleanliness, Let's Talk About That Beard.

In this regard, strictures on Muslim hygiene are much more severe than those of the Jewish faith, possibly the origin of the favored Islamic epithet, “dirty Jew.”  Whereas Jews only have to avoid eating unclean creatures, and more obvious prohibitions like not fornicating with them or wearing their skins, Muslims go all the way, with some even declaring an image of something unclean to be an affront to the Almighty.

And Worst Of All, The Little Infidel Creature Refuses To Wear Pants.

The potential list of Muslim vulnerabilities doesn’t end with pork; Islam defines several objects and creatures as ritually unclean.  Dogs, popular enough in the West to earn the affectionate sobriquet ‘Man’s Best Friend,’ are among the things the Koran has determined to be forbidden.  In fact, in Scotland recently a police postcard featuring the image of an adorable police dog puppy created outrage in the Muslim community.  The postcard was withdrawn and an abject apology soon followed.

Ritually Unclean Things Have A Similar Effect Upon Muslims.

This prohibition against dogs has also caused some Muslim cab drivers at the Minneapolis Airport to refuse to transport passengers with dogs.  Some refused people carrying alcohol or who had been drinking, another Islamic no-no.  There’s no word on whether these cab drivers refused entry to an unveiled woman  or one who dared to have a job.

Poster

A Cruel Slap In The Face To Islam. Bad Dog!

As mentioned earlier, while Muslims are by no means alone in following strict dietary and religious procedures, they stand out by demanding that people of other faiths observe these same strictures.  Orthodox Jews, for example, are religiously prohibited from mixing beef and dairy products, some going so far as to have separate ovens–and in some cases separate kitchens–for the two substances.  Curiously, there has not been a concerted effort by Jews to prevent people of other faiths from combining these two food products as they see fit.

The Real Face Of Pork. Not So Pretty, Eh?

In a possibly-related piece of news, scientists have discovered that diets low in pork-related products may in some instances cause people to become whiny bitches.* Efforts to produce sausage from contrived outrage and self-flagellation have yet to offer tangible results.

We Acknowledge That Some Bacon Is An Affront To God.

*Readers may be interested to know that Smaktakula does not eat pork products of any kind.  Draw your own conclusions. ∞T

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