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Tag Archives: Jodie Foster

The REAL Reason Straight Guys Dig Lesbians

06 Sunday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

beer, cover 2 defense, dykes, fetishists, flogging the dolphin, gay people, homosexuality, It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again, Jodie Foster, lesbian sex, lesbians, lipstick lesbians, Lovie Smith, onanism, pork rinds, Portia de Rossi, Rachel Maddow, self-abuse, sex, Silence of the Lambs, spankin' it, sticky keyboards, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Tony Dungy, We would shoot *** ********* for Jodie Foster!

By Smaktakula

As sticky keyboards across the globe will attest, some guys have a thing for lesbians–or more properly, for lesbian sex.  These imaginative fetishists notwithstanding, the supposed sexual fixation straight men are said to have with the bedroom goings-on of gay chicks is largely a media creation. However, the affection many straight males feel for gay women is often underestimated, and goes well beyond mental spank flicks involving silicon-swollen lipstick lesbians.

The thought of Portia de Rossi-DeGeneres groping a Silence of the Lambs-era Jodie Foster is titillating for the 75-90 seconds it takes to shake loose such thoughts. Remaining in their stead is a clear-headed appraisal of the myriad reasons to like lesbians, not least because of their many dude-like qualities.

“Are You Deaf Or Just Stupid? I Didn’t Say Lovie Smith *Created* The Cover 2 Defense. But C’Mon, He Was The Fucking Linebackers Coach For Tampa Bay During The Dungy Era. You’re A Moron If You Think He Wasn’t A Big Part Of That.”

Hey guys, that was Mick on the phone–she and Chris are on their way with beer and pork rinds. ∞ T.

A Contemporary Helen Of Troy

18 Monday Oct 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

2010 Hot 100, beauty, Britney Spears, callipygian women, Chelsea Handler, cosmetic surgery, crabs, Helen of Troy, Jodie Foster, John Hinckley Jr., Katy Perry, Ke$ha, Kelis, Kim Kardashian, Maxim, MILFs, plus-size models, Raquel Welch, Rihanna, Trojan War

By Smaktakula

Sorry, Chubbsy--You Didn't Make The 2010 Maxim Hot 100. Have You Thought About Modelling Mu-Mus?

In 2010, female beauty is ubiquitous.  It pouts on the covers of magazines, stares down larger-than-life upon  billboards visible from space, and shakes its ass on television.  Braces, liposuction, hair extensions, implants and the like have created a revolution in appearance.

The standard of beauty changes over time.  Raquel Welch would today be forced to work as a plus-sized model if she wanted a career in the public eye.   Rather than rhapsodize about her stunning curves as they did in her day, probably the highest compliment Welch could obtain today would be, “You know, Raquel really knows how to make herself look pretty.  Good for her.”

Today’s beauties are very different–toned, honed and siliconed.  They dance across the public’s eye for a moment and then are gone.  Another difference between old and new beauty: new beauty is disposable.

The media would have us believe that beauty is not in the eye  of the beholder, but instead falls within a rather narrow scale.  Beauty is no longer subjective.

To see whether that’s true, we consulted no less a source than Maxim, the snarky men’s magazine with soft-core aspirations.  We present a few selections from Maxim’s 2010 Hot 100.  Judge for yourself.

#87 Chelsea Handler: MILFy Comedienne.

Only 86 Women On The Planet Are Better Looking.

#56 Ke$ha–Musical Themed Sex Product.

Here There Be Crabs.

#54 Britney Spears: Bloated Punch Line.

Hit The Buffet One More Time.

#9 Kim Kardashian: Callipygous Automaton.

Raise Your Hand If You're A Cultural Carcinoma.

#6 Rihanna: Tomorrow’s Kelis.

No, Bitch. You Ain't.

#1 Katy Perry: Muppet Plaything.

The Most Beautiful Girl In All The Land.

Although beauty itself may be subjective, perhaps we can judge it based upon its effect upon the culture as a whole.  A truly beautiful woman would not be a creation, but rather a phenomenon, like Helen of Troy, whose beauty was said to have launched the Trojan War.

Based on these criteria, Jodie Foster is the world’s most beautiful woman.

"Because No One Shoots The President For Katy Perry."

"HUURRRRR!"

Miley Cyrus Somewhat Delusional About Future Career Prospects

23 Tuesday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in General Foolishness, Hollywood, Movies, Music, People, Television

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

child stars, former child stars, Hannah Montana, Jodie Foster, Leonardo DiCaprio, Miley Cyrus, porno movies, pornography, pr0n, Ron Jeremy, Spongebob Squarepants, The View, untalented stars

By Smaktakula

Miley Cyrus told the gals on The View that after her new record drops in June, fans shouldn’t expect to hear any more new music from the megastar any time soon.  Cyrus revealed her belief that she belongs on the big screen, clearly overestimating the voting-age public’s demand for her less-than-considerable abilities.     

There is a future for Ms. Cyrus in front of the camera, it just may not be what she’s envisioned.  She may not be ready for the Big Show, but might find a home in a niche industry, what might be labelled independent films in some circles.  In short, Cyrus harbors pie-eyed dreams about DVD grosses when she should be thinking about the hard realities of DVDA.         

Despite her deplorable dearth of talent, Cyrus has a better-than-average shot at consistent roles in clothing-optional films: the kind in which a visit from the pizza boy always leads to something exciting; where the words “water sports” are more than a little misleading.         

Miley Cyrus: Much More Likely To Someday Take Home Ron Jeremy Than An Oscar

Ms. Cyrus may be reluctant to arrive at this conclusion.  It’s very possible she feels that she has the requisite stuff to make the precarious transition from child stardom to adult roles, following in the footsteps such luminaries as Jodie Foster, Leonardo DiCaprio and Spongebob Squarepants.  Tragically, Ms. Cyrus lacks the fundamental traits which individually allowed Foster, DiCaprio and Squarepants to make the leap (respectively, these three traits are talent, talent and being an imaginary character who doesn’t age).         

Promethean Times wishes Ms. Cyrus the very best of luck in her future career, and eagerly anticipate seeing her full body of work in the no-doubt-forthcoming hotel spank film, Hannah Implanta: Red Carpet Burns.         

Boom-Boom-Chicka-Wah-Wah-Boom-Boom

Better Than The Book

07 Sunday Feb 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Literature, Movies

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Anthony Hopkins, Cider House Rules, Fellowship of the Ring, Godfather, Hannibal Lecter, hobbits, homoeroticism, Jaws, Jodie Foster, Lord of the Rings, Manhunter, Mario Puzo, Peter Benchley, Red Dragon, Return of the King, Scarlet Letter, Silence of the Lambs, Ted Levine, Thomas Harris, Tolkien, Two Towers, Watchmen

By Smaktakula

It’s axiomatic that a film is never as good as the book which spawned it.  The cinematic dustbin is jammed with book-to-movie abominations such as Watchmen, The Scarlet Letter and Oscar-winner, The Cider House Rules.

Occasionally, however, a certain confluence of creative people (producers, directors, actors, etc.) conspire to create a film that is in every way superior to the sum of its parts.  Following are a few examples of films which are superior to the written work which spawned them.

Continue reading →

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