Jimmy Carter Makes Modest Headway In Ongoing Bid For Historical Relevance

31 Tuesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, Crime, History, International Relations, Justice, National Events, People, Politics, Relationships, World Affairs

≈ 8 Comments

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Aijalon Gomes, Bill Clinton, Bill vs. Jimmy, comical despots, do-gooders, Euna Lee, Habitat For Humanity, historical footnote, historical footnotes, hostages freed, I just called 'em both 'LingLee.', ineffectual presidents, Jimmy Carter, Kim Jong-il, Laura Ling, North Korea, one-termers, President Carter, President Clinton, skonks, Slick Willy

By Smaktakula

Historical footnote Jimmy Carter has managed to secure the release of Aijalon Gomes from North Korea. Gomes had been sentenced to eight years hard labor under the autocratic regime of the dying, but still comically despotic Kim Jong-il.

Showing America's Soft Underbelly To Her Enemies Didn't Do It, And Building Houses For The Needy Didn't Do It Either. Perhaps Freeing A Few Hostages Will Help Erase The Stigma Of Being An Ineffectual One-Termer.

Although Carter is unable to claim to be the first white-haired Democratic Ex-President to secure the release of American hostages in North Korea, he is proud to say that he is the first not to bang them on the plane ride home.

"One Was Named Lee And The Other Ling, But I'll Tell You What, Brother--I Was Damned If I Could Tell The Difference!"

This Day In History: August 9, 1945 CE

09 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, Crime, Culture, History, International Relations, Justice, Military, Mythology, Relationships, Social Networking, World Affairs

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atomic bomb, August 9, Bockscar, catastrophe, Fat Man, harsh response, if something's not funny the first time maybe it will be the second, Japan, Japanese Surrender, man-made disaster, mushroom cloud, Nagasaki, nuclear explosion, Theory of Moral Relativity, this day in history, United States Army, United States of America, US Army Air Corps, what the fuck is wrong with you people?, World War II

On which OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! AGAIN! AGAIN WITH THE BOMBING! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

Okay. Now We're Done.

Truman’s Momentous Decision Explained

06 Friday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, History, International Relations, Justice, Military, Mythology, People, Social Networking, World Affairs

≈ 2 Comments

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Albert Einstein, atomic bomb, Axis Powers, Bockscar, decision to drop the bomb, easy choice, Enola Gay, Fat Man, General Tojo, Germany, hard choice, Harry S Truman, Hiroshima, Japan, Little Boy, Nagasaki, Theory of Moral Relativity, United States Army, war of attrition, war-weariness, World War II

By Smaktakula

The decision could not have been one which Harry S Truman undertook lightly. Having held the nation’s highest office for only a few months, Truman was faced with an ugly choice, the implications of which would reverberate more forcefully throughout history than any other presidential decision before or since.

"Once The Japanese See This Beauty At Work, They'll Be Lining Up To Surrender. The Second One's Just In Case."

With the War in Europe having finally worn to a bloody close, America’s attention at last turned to her enemies in the Far East. Despite recent military setbacks and the capitulation of their German allies, Japanese morale remained high. Tojo’s soldiers were tenacious, almost fanatically indefatigable, traits that earned them the grudging respect of their American counterparts. Given that these troops, aided by militias and civilians, would now be fighting in mutual defense of their island home ensured that any outcome was bound to be messy.

The Theory Of Moral Relativity: You Can't Break A Few Eggs Without Making An Omelette.

In the end, Truman faced two unpalatable options. The first, initially the more painful of the two, would require the larger up-front payment in American blood and treasure. The Allied troops would be given the unenviable task of fighting their way onto entrenched beaches which would make the reception they received at Normandy look like France’s defense of its homeland in 1940.

Once the Allied forces managed to establish a beachhead, they would then be forced to fight their way through to the island’s interior. The invaders would be resisted at every step, resulting in a series of bloody actions and guerilla attacks in a gruelling war of attrition. By the time the allied forces took Tokyo, they would have left in their wake an ocean of dead GIs, with legions of maimed young heroes sent home to an increasingly war-weary American public. Victory could be won, but at a terrible cost.

The second choice would initally appear to be the easier of the two. Howev–

"Easy Option! Easy Option!"

This Day In History: August 6, 1945 CE

06 Friday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, History, International Relations, Justice, Military, Mythology, Politics, Relationships, World Affairs

≈ 2 Comments

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08:15, atomic bomb, August 6, Enola Gay, harsh response, Hiroshima, Japan, Juro sucks so bad it isn't even funny, Little Boy, Manhattan Project, mushroom cloud, Nagasaki, Pacific Theater, Rising Sun, ruined birthday parties, Say hello to my little friend, Smaktakula got notebook paper one year for his birthday so he kind of knows how it feels, that song by OMD, this day in history, United States Army, US Army Air Corps, War with Japan, World War II

On which Hiro Okada has the shittiest birthday ever.

"Fuuuuuck Yooooou, Juro!"

“Yeah, my apartment is trashed. I’m gonna go crash at my sister’s place in Nagasaki for a few days.”

Still Not What You Were Looking For?

30 Friday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Baseball, Cinema, Culture, Drug Culture, Drugs, Duh, General Foolishness, History, Hollywood, Humor, International Relations, National Politics, People, Places, Political Correctness, Sports, Television, World Affairs

≈ 3 Comments

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'Lil Kim, Abigail Folger, America's ambivlence toward soccer, Barack Obama, Billie Joe Armstrong, Bush Brothers and Company, celebrity skin, Charles Manson, Chesley Sullenberger, Corey Haim, courtesy tips, cults, Dana Carvey, demon weed, dope, Duke, fauxhawk, Flower of American Skankhood, Frances Bean Cobain, Freddie Mercury, Garfield, George Sherrill, grammar, grass, Haimster, hippies, Improved Order of Red Men, internet pornography, Iran, Irene Folstrom, John Bobbit, Johnston's procedure, Kim Jong-il, lasagna, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, Live Aid, Makwala Derrickson Hall, Manson Family, marijuana, marijuana legalization, Mensa, Mike Meyers, Morris the Cat, mullets, Nermal, North Korea, not what you were looking for?, Odie, Oxford ponce, Pakistan, penis, pervert, pot, prison food, Prometheus Society, Queen, racism, Ramtha, Randy Johnson, rapists, rave culture, raves, reefer, Reverend Fred Phelps, severed penis, skankery, Sully Sullenberger, sweet sweet cheeba, that shitty beard too!, the Big Unit, tiny penis, Tommy Lee, Tommy Lee's massive tool, treachery, untalented stars, US Airways Flight 1549, volcanic activity, volcanoes, vulgarity is the secret ingredient, Waco, Waco Massacre, Wal-Mart, Washington State, Westboro Baptist Church, Yelm

By Smaktakula

In which we once again present some of the various search-engine keywords used to find Promethean Times. Some, we suspect, were not on purpose. See our first installment here: Not What You Were Looking For?.

live aid Geez, you put up one stupid Live Aid post, and suddenly you’ve got idiots knocking down your door for the rest of time. Is Freddie Mercury really that beloved? Thank you so much, Mike Meyers. You too, Carvey.

humboldt promethean society Not sure if we can help you. The Prometheus Society is club for freaks too smart for Mensa. Smaktakula takes a dim view of organizations whose rigorous standards preclude his admission. While there may in fact be many such individuals living in isolated cabins deep within the remote wilderness of Humboldt, these reclusive geniuses are no doubt so removed from society at large that they’re unlikely to turn up on an internet search. Fortunately, anyone that smart knows to stay away from the demon weed, the great bane of the Humboldt.

narco children Frances Bean Cobain just wants to live a normal life. Please try to respect that.

redman fraternal organization Right here. Whites only, please.

criticism should 1549 “Sullenberger” We will tolerate no criticism of the heroic Captain Sullenberger. The birds sent you, didn’t they?

wind up monkey Clang! Clang!

underage boys blog We can’t help you, but thanks for checking. Please remember to remain at least 500 feet from schools and city parks at all times.

america soccer ambivalence Happy to oblige.

bad mullet Is there any other kind?

when mullets attack We’re listening.

hell of a mullet Hell yeah!

skanky ho lindsay lohan Isn’t she, though?

raves should be illegal and banned Big Dittos, Rush!

old rainier brewery rave Smaktakula may have attended one of these. As a narc, of course.

will marijuana be legal in 2010 Not if Promethean Times has anything to say about it, Hippie!

ramtha volcanic eruption We’ve got it.

ramtha marijuana Interesting. Tell us more.

bush brothers & co new product New? Treachery is as old as time itself.

passionate people and constructive crit Tell it to your diary, Nancy.

bull rider die And how!

waco massacre Dammit, Janet!

driving courtesy tips THANK YOU.

george sherrill beard—Yeah, we hate it too.

jesse sherrill senior rape trial 2010 You’re thinking of Jessie Sherrill, an accused rapist from Christian County, Kentucky. We’ve got George Sherrill, whose late-inning incompetence doesn’t look half as bad when juxtaposed with a rapist.

kim jong il in united states Supposedly he’s in the United States secretly to buy DVDs and to fight female rapper ‘Lil Kim to the death over the use of the diminutive. It is imperative that the United States Government not allow Kim to purchase those DVDs.

garfield the cat pitchman Fuck his fat lasagna-craving ass. Promethean Times has never apologized for our Morrisist leanings and we never will. Fuck Nermal and Odie, too.

haimster, 1971-2010 It still hurts.

pakastani home mad porn movies Ah! A connoisseur!

irene folstrom Isn’t she the coffee heiress that the Manson kids chopped up?

mister wal mart He got laid off.

racism or cults in yelm wa Yelm really does offer a little something for everyone.

obama surprised Say Whaaaaaaaat?

sexy man cock Fred, just stop. While we must admit we were initially flattered by your attention, your persistence has become a real turn-off. The answer is no.

billie joe armstrong’s penis We hear it’s tiny. Tommy Lee’s joint, however–now, that’s a penis.

johnston’s procedure penis A procedure to remedy “Torsion of the penis” which sounds pretty awful, and makes Smaktakula a bit of a dick for including it here.

north korean prison food Don’t be foolish. There hasn’t been food in North Korea for years.

john bobbit penis + picture It’s in your bathroom above the sink. Try looking at eye level.

have proven have proved Look, Smaktakula’s grammar is pretty goddamn good, but everybody makes mistakes. You think this is easy? You think it’s just talking like an Oxford ponce and liberally peppering the whole thing with vulgarities? Okay, so maybe it is–but let’s see you try it, cock-knocker. But then, we have an unfortunate tendency to over-analyze.

iran haircut policy Surprisingly progressive.

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Facebook Is Looking For Promethean Times As We Speak. Share This!

Obama Administration To Continue Time-Honored Tradition Of Coddling Despots

01 Thursday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, Humor, International Relations, People, Politics, Relationships, Satire, World Affairs

≈ 1 Comment

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appeasement, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, China, Chinese masters, espionage, Europe, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, George W. Bush, Harry S Truman, holding hands with the Saudis, Kremlin, Obama Administration, POTUS, reacharound, reset button, Reset Strategy, Russia, Russian spy ring, Saudi Arabia, Soviet Union, Staples, USSR, Vladimir Putin, W, White House, White House Press Corps

The White House was quick to reassure America’s friends in the Kremlin that, despite the recent arrest of at least ten alleged Russian spies, relations between the two countries were as warm and fuzzy as an inspirational poster of puppies from Spencer’s Gifts. Observers have pointed to a noticable thawing in dealings between United States and Russia since the implementation of President Obama’s Reset Strategy.

RESET: Basing Your Foreign Policy On A Staples Ad Campaign Not Always Such A Great Idea

Russian reaction to Obama’s statement was warm. Said an unnamed Russian source,

“The Obama is so refreshink. Before, with the Bush it was all: ‘Don’t kill that journalist,’ ‘Let your people have the free elections,’ ‘Don’t you think you ought to stop invadink your neighbors?’ Blah-Blah-Blah. Give me break! I tell you, it was crazy.

But with the Obama, there is none of that. We do what we do, and he does what he does, you know? He calls every now and then, askink: ‘You guys still think I’m cool, right?’

We say, ‘Sure, Barry! You are rockink dude! Give me the high-five, bro!’ And then he goes away for a while. Everybody happy.”

Obama is said to have remarked to his aides that Franklin Roosevelt also bent over for the Soviets, and that Truman threw half of Europe under the soul-crushing wheels of the Soviet machine. “Everybody loves FDR and Truman, right?” the president is reportedly fond of asking.

Presidents Clinton and Bush 43 are credited with reviving the trend of sucking up to liberty-hating thugs. Clinton, of course, consulted his Chinese masters before every major decision. George W. Bush was known to have such a stiffy for the despotic and profligate Saudi regime that he was unable to resist holding hands whenever he got the opportunity.

His Weakness For Oily Men Was Legendary

In the end, President Obama said he was surprised by the fuss people are making over the so-called spy scandal:

“After all,” an aide quotes Obama as saying, “These are simply unregistered emissaries of a friendly foreign power, who were charged with clandestinely bringing the American way of life to their less-fortunate countries. It seems cynical of the Republicans to bring up Putin’s penchant for ordering the assassination both at home and abroad of journalists and critics. The Republicans seem to forget that the Bush Administration did exactly the same thing when they asked media organizations not to broadcast sensitive troop movements.”

The President then invited the White House Press Corps to come watch him slap around an oil executive that POTUS had flown in especially for the occasion.

Will You Be Needink A Reacharound, Mr. President? White House: Spy Arrests Will Not Harm US-Russian Ties | USA | English.

Smaktakula

Homeland Security Chooses To Ignore Growing Threat Of Winged Terror

30 Wednesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Critters, General Foolishness, Humor, International Relations, Relationships, Satire, Terrorism, World Affairs

≈ 4 Comments

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Airbus, Alfred Hitchcock, badassery, Birds of a Feather, Blame Canada!, Bush Doctrine, Canada, Canadian geese, Chesley Sullenberger, competence, Does Nature Want You Dead? Yes It Does., four legs good, geese, hero pilot, heroism, La Guardia, New York, North Carolina, pro-avian agenda, suicide attack, Sully, Sully Sullenberger, Terrorism, The Birds, two legs bad, US Airways Flight 1549

By Smaktakula

Note: This is the third installment in our ongoing environmental series, Does Nature Want You Dead? Yes It Does. The previous installments are SHAMU Sleeper Agent Wreaks Havoc At Florida Amusement Park and Super-Intelligent Stalker Sharks Plotting Bloody ‘Dorsal Dawn.’

At 3:27 PM on January 15th, 2009 a catastrophe was averted by inches. Shortly after US Airways Flight 1549 took off from La Guardia International in New York en route to North Carolina’s Charlotte/Douglas, several geese managed to bring down the Airbus A320 by flying simultaneously into both of the aircraft’s engines.

Levelheadedness and expertise were the only things standing between Flight 1549 and a cataclysmic, horrorshow ending in the steel canyons of New York City. Capt. Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger, aided by his ice-nerved co-pilot and well-trained crew, was able to wrestle the dying plane into the Hudson River. Miraculously, all 155 humans on board Flight 1549 survived.

Chesley Sullenberger: His Fierce Badassery Helps Mitigate The Handicap Of Such A Gay Name.

It is fitting and proper that the focus of this incident remain on the lives saved in the face of such impossible odds. However, that does not excuse turning a blind eye to the fact that several geese–for reasons yet unknown–took out a massive passenger plane with an intricately planned and precisely executed suicide attack that very nearly cost 155 innocent people their lives. Yet no one is asking, “Why did this happen?”

The exact number of geese involved in taking down Flight 1549 has never been determined. All the geese who participated in the attack are believed to have perished. However, witnesses reported seeing a flock fleeing the scene in the seconds after the attack. To date, not one of these geese has been apprehended.

There have been some troubling indications that a foreign power may be involved. Almost all witnesses reported that both the attacking geese and those seen fleeing the scene were Canadian Geese. The FAA claimed to have no knowledge of any scheduled flock along that air route. The fact remains that several Canadian Geese were flying in American airspace, something no one disputes. And yet you hear nothing about this from conventional media outlets, particularly those in areas sharing a border with our “friends” to the north.

There was a time when the beak-and-feather set had a healthy respect for humanity. These birds of yesteryear would have to be content with expressing their displeasure through a well-timed bowel movement. Their descendants are proving not nearly so patient.

That these birds can strike any plane at any time should terrify all of humanity. That it does not is an indication of just how far the pro-avian media has pushed its “Birds of a Feather” campaign. Recently, there have been attempts by several school districts to ban Alfred Hitchcock’s award-winning documentary, The Birds.

The Hollow-Boned Menace Laughs At Our Weakness

The air-travelling public is left with two choices. The first, an initially more painful: a return to the Bush Doctrine with regards to America’s growing Avian-Aquatic Mammal-Shark problem, and hunt these beasts down where they hide–hunt them down like dogs! . . . dogs that fly or swim.

The second choice is to not make a choice at all. To continue with feel-good featherist policies–to bury our heads in the sand, in the parlance of our avian enemy–is to sign our death warrant as a species. As we speak the avian menace has the capacity to take out any aircraft–private, commercial or military–anywhere in the world. Don’t think they won’t do it.

Dear Leader Tells N. Korea Soccer Team: It’s Arr Good, Ferrahs!

23 Wednesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, Culture, Games, Human Rights, International Relations, Justice, People, Politics, Relationships, Soccer, Sports, World Affairs

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ass-whupping, Brazil, comical despots, Dear Leader, impoverished third-world hellhole, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-il is batshit crazy, North Korea, Portugal, Pyongyang, Soccer, Supreme Leader, World Cup

By Smaktakula

Word came quickly from Pyongyang today in an effort to quell the persistent rumors that Supreme Leader Kim Jong-il is displeased with North Korea’s poor showing at the World Cup. The team’s first match, a respectable 2-1 loss to highly ranked Brazil, was followed by a humiliating 7-0 ass-whupping at the hands of Portugal.

This Man's Poor Performance Not Only Shames His Nation, But Also Costs His Daughter Her Thumbs

Said a representative of the impoverished third-world hellhole:

The Dear Leader is very pleased with the effort of our beloved national athletes, although he is, of course, disappointed at the results. Likewise, there is no truth to the rumors that Kim has executed the atheletes’ parents, only to cook them and serve them to the defeated players upon their return.

He continued:

Nor should any credence be given to the wild allegations that the water supply to atheletes’ homes has been cut off. Like everyone else in North Korea, they never had running water.

Following their disappointing performance, the players are no doubt eager to leave the chaos of the free world behind and return to a simpler life in North Korea.

The athletes will be given a hero’s welcome. Just as Promethean Times went to press, Pyongyang announced that the Dear Leader would be hosting a private banquet for the footballers upon their arrival in North Korea.

"When You Great Athretes Get Home, I Got Rearry Big Surprise For You. I Think You Rearry Gonna Rove It!"

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Crazy Bastard Thwarted In Bid For Awesome, Meaningful Death

17 Thursday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, International Relations, Justice, Middle East, Military, Mythology, National Events, People, Terrorism, World Affairs

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ailing nutjob, batshit crazy, Bucket-List Rambo, Colorado, crazy bastard, crazy fucker, death by exposure, drugs, Gary Brooks Faulkner, hashish, Nutty Buddy, Osama bin Laden, Pakistan, Pakistani forces, patriots, reckoning, Terrorism, the last sentence is positively Faulknerean, This Ends Here!, Usama Bin Laden, vendettas

Ailing nutjob Gary Brooks Faulkner apparently decided that if his time was short, he’d do his damnedest to drag Osama bin Laden down to hell with him. Supplied only with the essentials–pistol & ammo, dagger, night-vision goggles and hashish–this nutty buddy somehow made his way from Colorado to Pakistan to go mano a mano with the FBI’s most-wanted man.

Reportedly, Faulkner didn’t waste valuable energy and time attempting to determine friend from foe. Anyone foolish enough to approach the Bucket-List Rambo received the same response: wild-eyed death threats.

Sadly, Pakistani forces managed to capture Faulkner after a tense standoff. In doing so, they denied this patriotic and batshit crazy American the honor of laying down his life in a knife fight with a cadre of bin Laden’s elite guards, while their master huddles cowering behind them; or of tumbling off a sheer cliff while locked in a death-embrace with bin Laden himself, perhaps voicing a cool exit line like, Neither of us comes back from this one, Osama; or as is a lot more likely, a lonely death from exposure in the vast and trackless wilderness of Pakistan, Faulkner’s final hours haunted by delirium and a maddening thirst, huddling pathetically in the meager shade provided by a boulder while hurling increasingly weak and nonsensical curses at the punishing sun.

No One Here Gets Out Alive

Is One More Crazy Fucker In Pakistan Really Such A Big Deal? American Detained in Pakistan Had Sights on bin Laden – NYTimes.com.

Smaktakula

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Iran Sanctions IV: This Time It’s For Reals

11 Friday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in General Foolishness, International Relations, Middle East, Military, Politics, Regional Politics, Relationships, Terrorism, World Affairs

≈ 3 Comments

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all bark and no bite, comical despots, Hillary Clinton, Iran, Kim Jong-il, North Korea, nuclear ambitions, paper tiger, sanctions, Secretary of State, that trick never works, United Nations, United States of America

The United Nations has signalled that it is once again ready to talk tough with Iran. US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton promised that the UN’s forthcoming sanctions against Iran’s nuclear program will be the most stringent yet.

It remains for posterity to judge the efficacy of not only these sanctions, but also the inevitable series of future sanctions.

Or, you could ask this gentleman:

Ooooh, The UN Gonna Put Sanctions On Me. I'm Rearry Scared!*

Stop Or I’ll Say Stop Again!: The Associated Press: Clinton says Iran sanctions will be toughest ever.

Smaktakula

*More sensitive readers may feel that we have depicted terrifying muppet Kim Jong-il as speaking like an Asian stereotype. Nothing could be further from the truth.

In fact, Kim speaks with what is commonly called the Comical Despot Standard Accent. Speakers with the CDSA experience significant difficulty when pronouncing ‘L’ sounds.

M	T	W	T	F	S	S
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Promethean Times

~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

Category Archives: International Relations

Jimmy Carter Makes Modest Headway In Ongoing Bid For Historical Relevance

By Smaktakula

This Day In History: August 6, 1945 CE

“Yeah, my apartment is trashed. I’m gonna go crash at my sister’s place in Nagasaki for a few days.”

Still Not What You Were Looking For?

By Smaktakula

Obama Administration To Continue Time-Honored Tradition Of Coddling Despots

Smaktakula

Homeland Security Chooses To Ignore Growing Threat Of Winged Terror

By Smaktakula

Note: This is the third installment in our ongoing environmental series, Does Nature Want You Dead? Yes It Does. The previous installments are SHAMU Sleeper Agent Wreaks Havoc At Florida Amusement Park and Super-Intelligent Stalker Sharks Plotting Bloody ‘Dorsal Dawn.’

Dear Leader Tells N. Korea Soccer Team: It’s Arr Good, Ferrahs!

By Smaktakula

Crazy Bastard Thwarted In Bid For Awesome, Meaningful Death

Smaktakula

Iran Sanctions IV: This Time It’s For Reals

Stop Or I’ll Say Stop Again!: The Associated Press: Clinton says Iran sanctions will be toughest ever.

Smaktakula

*More sensitive readers may feel that we have depicted terrifying muppet Kim Jong-il as speaking like an Asian stereotype. Nothing could be further from the truth.

In fact, Kim speaks with what is commonly called the Comical Despot Standard Accent. Speakers with the CDSA experience significant difficulty when pronouncing ‘L’ sounds.

For any readers who were offended, we suggest you examine your own motives. It’s very likely you’re a racist.