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Daily Archives: June 23, 2010

Dear Leader Tells N. Korea Soccer Team: It’s Arr Good, Ferrahs!

23 Wednesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, Culture, Games, Human Rights, International Relations, Justice, People, Politics, Relationships, Soccer, Sports, World Affairs

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Tags

ass-whupping, Brazil, comical despots, Dear Leader, impoverished third-world hellhole, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-il is batshit crazy, North Korea, Portugal, Pyongyang, Soccer, Supreme Leader, World Cup

By Smaktakula

Word came quickly from Pyongyang today in an effort to quell the persistent rumors that Supreme Leader Kim Jong-il is displeased with North Korea’s poor showing at the World Cup.  The team’s first match, a respectable 2-1 loss to highly ranked Brazil, was followed by a humiliating 7-0 ass-whupping at the hands of Portugal.          

This Man's Poor Performance Not Only Shames His Nation, But Also Costs His Daughter Her Thumbs

Said a representative of the impoverished third-world hellhole:          

The Dear Leader is very pleased with the effort of our beloved national athletes, although he is, of course, disappointed at the results.  Likewise, there is no truth to the rumors that Kim has executed the atheletes’ parents, only to cook them and serve them to the defeated players upon their return.          

He continued:          

Nor should any credence be given to the wild allegations that the water supply to atheletes’ homes has been cut off.  Like everyone else in North Korea, they never had running water.          

Following their disappointing performance, the players are no doubt eager to leave the chaos of the free world behind and return to a simpler life in North Korea.          

The athletes will be given a hero’s welcome.  Just as Promethean Times went to press, Pyongyang announced that the Dear Leader would be hosting a private banquet for the footballers upon their arrival in North Korea.          

"When You Great Athretes Get Home, I Got Rearry Big Surprise For You. I Think You Rearry Gonna Rove It!"

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The Canonical Pauly Shore

23 Wednesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Uncategorized

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Tags

Andy Dick, Baldwin Brothers Not Named Alec, Bio-Dome, Brendan Fraser, canon, Casper Meets Wendy, cinema, Corey Feldman, Corey Haim, cultural relics, David Alan Grier, dude's initials are PMS, Encino Man, Esai Morales, Fel-Dog, Haimster, highly-annoying people, In The Army Now, Jerry Lewis, Jury Duty, Lori Petty, madcap buffoon, Movies, Paul Montgomery Shore, Pauly Shore, Pauly Shore Is Dead, Phantom of the Mall, pop culture, Samwise Gamgee, Son-In-Law, The Wash, tiresome anachronism, Two Coreys, unfunny comedians, untalented stars, Vin Diesel, zany antics

By Smaktakula

Paul Montgomery Shore, better known as Pauly, came along at a time when America needed him most.  In the early to mid 1990’s, this twitchy, bedraggled gypsy fit neatly into the pop culture void created by the absence  of the two Coreys, but which had yet to be filled by the testosterone-fueled fury of Vin Diesel.

Pauly Shore’s movies are beloved by millions of cinema devotees.  Not unlike tiresome anachronism Jerry Lewis, this madcap buffoon’s zany antics speak to the child inside all of us.

However, there is a long running debate among Pauly Shore scholars as to which of the comedian’s many cinematic appearances can be considered true “Pauly Shore” movies, as opposed to movies where the actor merely graces the screen with his presence.

To Our Younger Readers: For The Briefest of Moments In The 20th Century, This Was Considered Cool

Pauly Shore scholarship is still a relatively new discipline, not yet in its second full decade.  As such, academics have yet to reach a consensus as to which films are canon, and which are not.  Most experts agree on the following 5 criteria:

1) Pauly Shore must be the star of the film, and have most of the dialogue.

2) Top-billed co-stars, if any, may be neither a) better-known than Pauly Shore, or b) more talented.

3) Pauly Shore portrays a loveable misfit/fish-out-of-water, thrust in a situation completely alien to his funky-fresh Southern California lifestyle.

4) Pauly Shore must be initially reviled by the other principal characters, often including the love interest.  However, through the course of the film, they will come to see that while Pauly Shore’s character may be unconventional, everybody benefits by adopting his grating mannerisms and attitude.

5) Pauly Shore must learn something.

While deciding which films to include among the canon can be a difficult task, determining which films should not is ridiculously simple.   While Phantom of the Mall, Casper Meets Wendy and The Wash all feature irritating performances by Pauly Shore, none of those films meet the basic standards defined above.

Recently, an article in the PMS Scholar attempted the daunting task of determining a Pauly Shore canon.  The article, which posited six canonical films was well-received and widely read.

Heretical though our beliefs may be considered in some quarters, Promethean Times recognizes only four films as official canon.  They are:

Son-In-Law: The first of the “true” Pauly films.

In The Army Now: Actual actors Esai Morales and David Alan Grier are forced to give top billing to Shore, habitual sex-offender Andy “Hey Wanna Touch My” Dick and hideous tomboy Lori Petty.

Jury Duty: The nadir of the canon.  Pauly Shore’s deservedly forgotten film.

Bio-Dome: A triumphant return to form, featuring horse-like gay icon Kyle Minogue, a Baldwin (non-Alec), and a brief appearance by inexplicably beloved fake band Tenacious D.

Although the PMS Scholar considers the following two films to be canon, Promethean Times does not.

Encino Man: The film that introduced the world at large to Pauly Shore.  For that alone it deserves recognition.  However, it does not qualify for the canon.  Although Pauly Shore steals the movie with weaselly gusto, both Brendan Fraser and Samwise Gamgee have larger roles.

Pauly Shore Is Dead: The anti-Pauly Shore movie, directed by Shore himself.  Cannot be included in the canon due to the heightened degree of awareness Shore has by this time that for most humans, his personality is the equivalent to fingernails on a chalkboard.

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