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Tag Archives: Soccer

Headlines 04.03.12

03 Tuesday Apr 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ 16 Comments

Tags

Africa, boobs, botulism, Brazil, breastuses, bumper sticker mentality, child abandonment, Chuck E. Cheese, death by soccer, drugs, Gollum, headlines, Iwo Jima, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Marines, Mexico, old people, political bumper stickers, prostitution, Rick Santorum, Seattle, Soccer, Vladimir Putin, Washington, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

Is THAT What He’s Doing? Guess We’ll Stop Waving Back.

In which we get all the information we need from the headlines of the day:

***

Anti-Putin protesters form a 10-mile human chain around Moscow  ~ Anti-Putin protesters made into bizarre human chain in dungeons beneath Moscow.

Poor reading could be fatal ~ Oh, come off it. We’re as pro-literacy as the next satirical internet blog, but that’s just ridiculous. With the possible–and hilarious–exception of “Warning Sign Disasters,” this simply isn’t true.

Why Thursday’s sunset will be special for Seattle ~ No more sun ’till 2013.

Marine makes last stand in foreclosed home ~ We have to say it: a marine making a last stand in his foreclosed home smacks of weird craziness. Pity–if he’d only been making a last stand on some Godforsaken piece of earth that nobody could possibly want–then it would be noble.

Iwo Jima, The Translation Of Which Means “Sulfur Island,” Is Currently Uninhabited.

Rick Santorum winning more support from Republican women ~ There’s proof of gender equality for you, folks. Women are every bit as stupid as men.

IS BRAZIL DESTROYING THE AMAZON FOR ENERGY? ~ Well, that would be a good reason, anyway,–better than ‘Just ’cause they felt like it.”

Whatever Happened to First Class? ~ It’s still there–just not for you, peasant.

What You Lose When You Sign That Donor Card ~ YOUR PRECIOUS ORGANS!

Jennifer Love Hewitt loves her boobs ~ In this, we are united in our affection.

What We Like Best About Them Is Their Pleasing Shape And Size.

Prostitutes found in Mexico jail ~ Imagine that.  If you wanted to surprise us, you’d have said ‘soap.’

What’s Wrong With Being Single? ~ Only a loveless grotesquery would pose such a question.

Dad: Drug classes should be mandatory ~ We agree. The younger generation simply does not know how to do drugs properly.

Another child left at Chuck E. Cheese’s ~ You say it like it’s a bad thing, like dad abandoned his kid in the deep, dark, wolf-ridden woods. But at Chuck E. Cheese’s, the kid’s got a fighting chance. He can live in the moist darkness beneath the ball-pits like some pizza-house Gollum until he latches on with a new family.

Violence claims 4th soccer fan ~ We’re pretty sure they’re underreporting the death-toll from this heinous ‘sport.’

Wait! It Just Got Interesting.

Peter, Paul & Mary bassist dies ~ If you’re not Peter, Paul or Mary, in death you shall be remembered only for the instrument you played.

Is 14 too young for life in prison? ~ Fuck yes it is. What kind of idiot even has to ask?

The pain of being disinherited ~ You don’t get any money when Mom & Dad die!

How to handle an elderly loved one that won’t bathe ~ It involves the Jaws of Life and a high-pressure hose.

Few Things Are As Taxing As Caring For A Dirty Old Man.

Most food illness imported ~ Sad. Truly sad. We never thought there’d be a day America would have to import botulism.

Guess what almost killed ‘the Tiger Man of Africa’ ~ Was it a lion? A hippo, then! Damn, these things are hard.

Study: 33 is the best age ~ Not if you’re Jesus of Nazareth. No, 32 was a much better year.

Executed killer shouts ‘Go Cowboys!’ ~ And all the witnesses shouted “THE DEAD LIVE!” Or did you mean “Soon-To-Be-Executed?” That’s probably what you meant.

Does car tell your politics? ~ No, the feeble-minded bumper sticker on the back does that.

“No, It’s Great. By Adopting An Inflexible Attitude In Lieu Of Knowing The Issues, I Save Time By Not Having To Think About The Tough Stuff.”

More Current Events Irresponsibility:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII
  • Headlines VIII
  • Headlines IX
  • Headlines X
  • Headlines XI
  • Headlines XII
  • Headlines XIII
  • Headlines XIV

North Korea: Crazy For The Orympics

20 Wednesday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Politics, Sport

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

'Lil Kim, 2018, competitive eating, football, Golf, happiness, impoverished third-world backwater, impoverished third-world hellhole, incredible sporting achievements, Kim Il-sung, Kim Jong-il, North Korea, Olympics, places that suck, Soccer, South Korea, South Korea > North Korea, Westchester County, Yemen

By Smaktakula

We're Not Making Excuses For N. Korea's Poor Performance, But The First Time The Team Saw An Actual Soccer Ball Was During The Match.

You have to admire those plucky North Koreans.  Starving, impoverished and confined to a backwater shithole that makes Yemen look like Westchester County, the North Koreans still manage to delude themselves with dreams as distorting of reality as those of any first-world nation.

South Korea > North Korea

North Korea has achieved this interior disconnect by building upon an incremental foundation of self-deception.   Recently this manifested itself in a self-scored second place in a worldwide happiness ranking.  Emboldened by their program of denial, the North Koreans have now expressed interest in piggybacking onto South Korea’s 2018 Olympic bid.  Unsurprisingly,  South Korean reception to this notion has been tepid at best.

The North Korean Power-Lifting Team Is The Pride Of Pyongyang.

Sport has taken on a greater emphasis under the comically despotic reign of Kim Jong-il than it did under his father, Kim Il-sung.  ‘Lil Kim is an accomplished athlete, numbering among his many athletic accomplishments an amazing eleven holes-in-one the very first time he played golf.

Goat Kicking: Shitty Country, Shitty Sports.

Despite being the global equivalent of the athsmatic fat kid picked last for kickball, the average North Korean is excited about the blighted hellhole’s negligible chance to co-host the Olympics.  Moreover, enthusiasm for the Games has grown in recent weeks with the spread of the false rumor that competitive eating has been added to the Olympic program.

In Famine-Ravaged North Korea, This Qualifies As Pornography.

Ferret Legging

09 Thursday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Sport, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Americans, Baseball, Basketball, bleeding genitals, blood sports, croquet, Duck Duck Goose, ferret legging, ferret-down-trousers, ferrets, football, hockey, lame sports, non-Americans, Soccer, Tetherball, vulgar non-sports, Yorkshire

By Smaktakula

Ferret Legging: Simultaneously A Sport And A Crime Against Nature.

Before the promulgation of worthwhile American sports such as baseball, football, basketball or hockey*, non-Americans were forced to content themselves with quasi-sports like croquet, Duck-Duck-Goose and soccer.  It’s no surprise then that these diversion-starved people began to invent their own increasingly bizarre ‘sports.’

However, the Yorkshire miners who in the 1970s invented ferret legging, also known as ferret-down-trousers, had no such excuse.  Although week after week, color television offered far safer and more athletically meritorious sports, the Yorkies designed a contest that very often results in bleeding genitals.

Why Not Try Tetherball? It's Just As Lame, But You Can Wear White Pants.

The rules of ferret legging are simple: participants trap ferrets in their pants and then see who can endure the longest as the needle-toothed weasels fight for trouser real estate.  Underwear is not permitted, and the pants must be such that the furred Slinkies can pass from leg to leg with ease.

Considered a dying sport, ferret legging has sought mightily to remain relevant in an age of much cooler sports.  Despite the hazards of a severed scrotum or perforated penis, ferret leggers take solace in the knowledge that however wretched their sport may be, it will always be a step above competitive eating.

This Is Hardly The Worst Creature You've Found Nuzzling Your Crotch.

*It’s American now, by God! ∞T.

America’s Eliminated World Cup Squad Returns To An Indifferent Nation

29 Tuesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Games, Soccer, Sports, Television

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Abe Vigoda is not dead, America's ambivlence toward soccer, Celebrity Death Watch, Ghana, it's not even a real country for God's sake, Soccer, United States Soccer, World Cup

By Smaktakula

What Have You Done For Me Lately?

The plucky young men of America’s national soccer team are expected to arrive home sometime within the next few days.  Although they were eliminated by soccer upstart Ghana in a 2-1 overtime loss, they will be remem . . .

Before I forget, though–did I tell you who I found out was still alive?  Abe Vigoda.

Yeah, I totally thought that, too, but no, he’s alive. 

Yeah, it is wild. 

What was I talking about?

Oh yeah–soccer’s done.

Dear Leader Tells N. Korea Soccer Team: It’s Arr Good, Ferrahs!

23 Wednesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, Culture, Games, Human Rights, International Relations, Justice, People, Politics, Relationships, Soccer, Sports, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

ass-whupping, Brazil, comical despots, Dear Leader, impoverished third-world hellhole, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-il is batshit crazy, North Korea, Portugal, Pyongyang, Soccer, Supreme Leader, World Cup

By Smaktakula

Word came quickly from Pyongyang today in an effort to quell the persistent rumors that Supreme Leader Kim Jong-il is displeased with North Korea’s poor showing at the World Cup.  The team’s first match, a respectable 2-1 loss to highly ranked Brazil, was followed by a humiliating 7-0 ass-whupping at the hands of Portugal.          

This Man's Poor Performance Not Only Shames His Nation, But Also Costs His Daughter Her Thumbs

Said a representative of the impoverished third-world hellhole:          

The Dear Leader is very pleased with the effort of our beloved national athletes, although he is, of course, disappointed at the results.  Likewise, there is no truth to the rumors that Kim has executed the atheletes’ parents, only to cook them and serve them to the defeated players upon their return.          

He continued:          

Nor should any credence be given to the wild allegations that the water supply to atheletes’ homes has been cut off.  Like everyone else in North Korea, they never had running water.          

Following their disappointing performance, the players are no doubt eager to leave the chaos of the free world behind and return to a simpler life in North Korea.          

The athletes will be given a hero’s welcome.  Just as Promethean Times went to press, Pyongyang announced that the Dear Leader would be hosting a private banquet for the footballers upon their arrival in North Korea.          

"When You Great Athretes Get Home, I Got Rearry Big Surprise For You. I Think You Rearry Gonna Rove It!"

Share The Awful Truth With Facebook

CNN Can Think Of Only One Reason For America’s Ambivalence Toward Soccer

24 Wednesday Mar 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, Soccer, Sports

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

boring games, China, football, lame sports, low-scoring games, mullets, Soccer, soccer flops, soccer mullets, sports Americans do not like, sports juggernaut, The Beautiful Game, United Kingdom, United States Soccer, World Cup

Holy Mother Of God--Time Has Run Out! Why Has The Game Not Stopped? (Translated From The Italian)

        –It’s not because soccer is such a low-scoring game that matches are as futile as tether-ball for the blind.            

         –It’s not for lack of exposure to the game, as if trendy American parents haven’t been forcing soccer on their offspring for at least two generations.                

     –It apparently has nothing to do with the fact that the United States, a sports juggernaut, has never managed to field a World Cup men’s team able to muster better than a third-place finish (with those heady days of soccer glory being well-over half a century in the past).                

     –Nor is it due to the contact rules which encourage players to eschew their dignity and flop on the ground like hooked sturgeon when struck by anything harder than a stiff wind.                

    –It isn’t a reaction to effete europhiles who confuse soccer with the entirely dissimilar game of football.                

    –Amazingly, it has nothing to do with the shameful proliferation of mullets throughout the sport.               

This Is Considered An Acceptable Hairstyle In Soccer

No, according to CNN, America’s ambivalence to soccer isn’t for any of those excellent reasons.  Apparently, the Yankee disdain for “The Beautiful Game” stems from a desire to thumb their noises at their former British masters.               

For this same reason, it’s likely that ping-pong will never be more than a frat house game in America.  Eschewing table tennis is a great way for Americans to show defiance toward their current Chinese masters.           

          

Even The Paddle Is Red

Goooooooooooooal!: Why America never fell in love with soccer – CNN.com.               

Smaktakula

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