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Tag Archives: normals

True Facts: Twins

28 Tuesday Aug 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Science

≈ 29 Comments

Tags

gingers, normals, outright lies, true facts, Twins, vengeance of an angry God

By Smaktakula

If This Happens To You, You Probably Deserve It.

Some common misapprehensions about identical twins:

1) In most societies, the belief persists that identical twins are a blessing. In fact, they are evidence of God’s displeasure.

2) There is no “evil twin” per se. However, because identical twins share but one soul between them, they have a higher propensity for wickedness than do “normals.”

3) The pinkie-finger of a twin, ground up and made into a tea, wards off the effects of leprosy.

Which Twin Is The Evil One? We’re Looking At The Ginger.

Online Dating: No Longer Just For The Wretched

10 Thursday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Amor, BlackSingles, Christian Mingle, Christianity, classified advertising, hookups, JDate, meeting your mate, normals, online dating, reverse racism, romance, ugly people, white people

By Smaktakula

You’re Not Above Using Your Computer For Sex. So Why Not Love?

With statistics showing that more and more couples are meeting one another over the internet, online dating (once known as ‘Classified Ad Dating’) is no longer solely the purview of the diseased, the malformed or similar undesirables. With greater frequency, normals are getting into the act.

Thanks to our increasingly fractured lives and the resulting lack of intimacy, traditional places for meeting a life-partner such as school, work, or poorly-lit taverns at last call are no longer sufficient to meet the world’s yearning for romance. School and work both suck, it will be noted, and taverns are rife with bitter, semi-toothed and vaguely threatening rummies. Given these disappointing realities, it’s no surprise that lonelyhearts would turn to the internet.

In Days Of Yore, Society’s Undesirables Had Two Avenues For Romance: Classified Advertising And Bride-Snatching.

And they have. In fact, the lovelorn have turned to the internet in such numbers that there now not only can a would-be dater choose from among a variety of dating sites based on religion or ethnicity,* but also services catering to any lifestyle, condition or fetish. No one need ever be lonely again.

One site promoting itself recently is Christian Mingle, a dating service for Christians. Despite that church and religious functions remain among the more efficacious, unsullied means of attracting a similarly minded mate, intimacy can still be hard to foster. Some people might feel that Christian Mingle fails to offer the “first-night hookup” implicit in so many of the other services, but this is illusory. Christian Mingle users still have about the same chance of getting lucky with their prospective dates, but it involves even more lying than is typical.

We Thought The Beehive Hairdo And Peggy Hill Glasses Looked Suspicious.

A final word to those who might have stumbled across this article while searching for an online dating service: Don’t do it, Honey!  He’s already married.

*Obviously, no ‘All-Caucasian’ dating sites exist. Quite unlike such niche sites as JDate, Amor or BlackSingles, a strictly white romance service would fly in the face of the West’s longstanding tradition of equality and fair-play. ∞T.

The Sinister Secret Of Southpaws

23 Friday Mar 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 25 Comments

Tags

aberrant behavior, gauche, Jamie Moyer, left-handed people, lefties, normals, right-handed people, sinister, southpaws, unfavorable characteristics, Why am I so left-handed?

By Smaktakula

…Or We’ll KEEP You Right.

Regardless of your willingness to take a hard, long look at the truth, the fact remains that humanity is beset by an insidious societal blight which affects as much as 10% of the world’s population. Increasingly, the remaining 90%, or ‘normals,’ as they are most commonly known, seem ready to let their own culture be relegated to history’s dustbin rather than take the necessary steps to ensure that these genetic timebombs mend their incorrect ways. This view is not simply short-sighted in its naiveté, but downright foolish in its refusal to confront the very real threat creeping up on us from our blind side. Simply put, we dig our own grave when we downplay or refuse to acknowledge altogether the treacherous iniquity of left-handed people.

What The Hell? Do You Even Think About The Things You Say, Lefty? God–We Wish They Had Camps For You People.

Despite the very real danger posed by southpaws, those few journalists brave enough to bring attention to the goofy-handed threat are branded bigots, and often pay with their livelihoods. It has long since become politically incorrect to highlight what even a child can see for himself--that these people are using the wrong hand for just about everything they do! Society would apparently rather believe that these “people,”–who insist on daily engaging in behavior which is not only unfathomable to normals, but moreover, something most people could quite literally not bring themselves to do–are born that way, and that their bizarre and unnatural behavior is in no way a matter of choice.

No One Has Yet Come Up With A Sufficiently Biting Term For Lefties. It Makes Us Wish Society Hadn’t Been Quite So Hasty In Assigning The Pejorative “Fags.”

Promethean Times disagrees. We believe that humanity was created by an all-knowing God to do things a certain way–the RIGHT way– and that those who fail to remember this put at risk their immortal souls.¹ For too long these foul, slouching creatures have been allowed to walk among us as equals, and given free rein to pollute the minds of youth by their poor example. The time to remain muzzled by the fuzzy sentiments of political correctness has passed. Our duty is not to assuage the feelings of degenerates, but rather to halt our society’s decay as it falls under the shadow of an alien hand.

No, You’re Right, He’s A Total Asshole. But Give Him Some Points For Form.

It’s certainly no accident that the word ‘sinister’ is derived from Latin for ‘left handed.’ Nor should it be too onerous to determine which is the correct foot referred to in the aphorism ‘put your best foot forward.’ And just where do you suppose the French got ‘Gauche?’ You know that ‘dexterous’ means ‘skillful,’ but did you also know can also mean ‘right-handed?’ If these examples aren’t enough to remind readers that even language abhors a lefty, it should be remembered that left’s opposite is a synonym for ‘correct.’ It is only in recent times that we have eschewed the wisdom (right-) handed to us by our forefathers, and instead drawn these evolutionary dead-enders to our collective bosom.

If Applied To Politics, This Slogan Represents The Kind Of Rigid, Partisan Thinking Which Has Made The Political Moderate An Endangered Species. But In Regard To Handedness, It’s Right On The Money.

Perhaps some of you reading this may choose to believe that we have to a degree exaggerated the danger posed by these genetic aberrations. Anyone who contends that lefties aren’t hurting anyone but themselves has obviously never seen them write, or spent frustrating minutes trying to determine why the guy you’ve just met gives you the mega-creeps, finally to discover it’s because he’s wearing his watch on his right hand like some kind of freak. Some, however, will still deliberately ignore the issue, espousing some lame-ass ‘live and let live’ policy. All the same, we have to wonder if these people will still be whistling ‘We Are Family’ on that awful day when they discover a pair of unusable left-handed scissors in their own child’s backpack.

As If Being A Lefty Weren’t Enough, He’s Got An Androgynous Name And Throws Like A Twelve-Year-Old Girl. For All This, Though, Jamie Moyer Is The Exception Which Proves The Rule.

¹Soul-forfeiture is a peril exclusive to the right-handed. Lefties have no souls to lose. ∞ T.

BONUS!

Southpaw Sally (or–Kids Can Tell The Difference Between Laughing With And Laughing At)

By Tardsie

After I graduated, I worked for a couple of years as a teacher in an after-school clinic. One of my students was a bright and cheerful nine-year-old named Sally Choi (not her real name). Tragically, Sally was born left-handed. Naturally, I took to calling the young lady ‘Southpaw Sally,’ which she took with surprising grace.

One day Sally asked me, “Why do they call left-handed people ‘Southpaws?’

I had to confess that I didn’t know, but told her I’d have the answer for her before we met next.

Even before I could say hello before our next session, Sally asked me if I’d found out. I told her that, according to what I’d been able to find, the term was coined in the late 19th Century, when ballparks were designed so that right-handed hitters faced east, meaning that a lefty’s pitching arm was his “south” arm.

“What did they call left-handed people before baseball?” Sally asked.

“Oh,” I said, “Before baseball people just called them freaks.”

True story.

Marry Me, Stupid

26 Thursday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Anna Nicole Smith, cousin love, crackers, dead celebrities, Emil Haagerdäddi, incest, love, marriage, Maury Povich, normals, paternity tests, poor people, rednecks, rich people, sister-marryin', smart people, stupid people, white trash, Why am I so stupid?, you are not the father

By Smaktakula

The Whitaker-Whitaker Wedding Was The Biggest Shindig Taint Junction Had Seen In Living Memory. The Kids Gorged Themselves On Mayonnaise-Fried Ho-Hos, While The Adults Stood Around Drinking Turpentine From Dixie Cups.*

Throughout history, marriage has held a special place in human society.  It is one of the unique links that unites not just the different peoples of the world, but also every strata of society within individual cultures.  The rich marry, and so do the poor.  Matrimony is enjoyed by the intelligent, and by the very stupid, too.

Although the institution of marriage or some form of monogamy is nearly universal, there are vast gulfs in the way different cultures and subcultures perceive marriage.  In the West, by far the most interesting relationships are between the very dumb.  Virtually every aspect of these dimwitted relationships–the laughter, the crying, the acrimonious arguments at 2:00 AM on the front stoop–is fodder for a voyeuristic public.

Anna Nicole Was Dumb Enough To Go Down On A Microphone, And Yet She Too Found Love. Alas, It Hardly Matters As She's Dead Now.

A Florida couple, just starting out on love’s meth-addled journey, have provided fresh swill for the trough.  The unidentified man and his intended found a way to share with the whole town the good news of their retarded union.

Wanting to declare his love in writing, but rather than employ a method so prosaic as a note, the retarded Romeo spray-painted his proposal on the garage door of a Lehigh Acres home: ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME ALISON?’  The home was not his own.  Alison responded with a spray-painted affirmative.

The Mating Call Of The Red-Throated Methsucker.

“The choice of location is appropriate,” says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, chairman Emeritus of the University of Kentucky’s Department of Real American Studies and author of Crackers, Rednecks and Hicks: White Trash Culture in These United States.  “I surmise that the young man’s home–most likely his grandmother’s trailer–is in some way an unsuitable canvas for his purposes.”

Sometimes Temporary Unions Form In Which Only One Partner Is A Moron. In At Least One Instance, This Has Resulted In Teenage Mutant Ninja Herpes.

Unions between idiots are generally encouraged by society, as it keeps feeble genes within certain communities, and limits their introduction among the normals.  Haagerdäddi claims that these fears are overblown, since “These mouth-breathers often lack a chromosome or two, rendering them incapable of reproduction.  They’re essentially mules with opposable thumbs.”

The Doctor cautions, however, that “When they are able to breed, they breed like rabbits.”

The Maury Povich Show Is A Great Resource, Providing Paternity Tests The Unintelligent. We're Rooting For This Guy!

* Or as they’re called in those parts, ‘cups.’  ∞T.

Short People: At Last, A Reason To Live

04 Friday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Science, Stupidity

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

5'10" isn't tall, Abigail Folger, AK-47, Big & Tall, bigotry, Charles Manson, Emmanuel Lewis, hate anthem, hate speech, Homo Runticus, Homo Sapiens, homunculi, ironic nicknames, jockeys, Kentucky Derby, lawn jockeys, little people, Michael Jackson, Mini-Me, Napoleon Bonaparte, normals, Olympics, racism, Randy Newman, runts, short people, short people are plain evil!, shorty, shrimp, sizeism, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, Spud Webb, Tom Cruise, trolls, tunnel rats, unfortunates, VC, Verne Troyer, vertically challenged, Viet Cong, Vietnam Conflict, wrath of God

By Smaktakula

What's With All The Hostility, Stretch?

Let’s be perfectly clear: we have nothing against short people.  Although we have in the past referred (and will no doubt continue to do so) to the vertically-challenged as runts, trolls, homunculi or other appellations highlighting their stunted stature, this should in no way be construed as a judgement against the puny.  Short people can sometimes be a boon to society.

You Won't Just Be Pissing Off Shorty With This One.

Imagine a world without jockeys, where the famed Kentucky Derby was no more than a live-action carousel.  What would chain-smoking old Southern dames do with their time?  Without male gymnasts, the Summer Olympics would run a few hours shorter.  If there had been no tunnel rats during the Vietnam Conflict, who would be given the suicidal task of crawling down booby-trapped VC tunnels to blow up a few AK-47s and some rice?

Although A First-Tier Nation Is Out Of The Question, Opportunities In Political Leadership Exist For The Diminutive.

Despite this, these human elves are still reviled and mistrusted for their handicap.  Sometimes this societal prejudice against people of retarded stature is overt, such as Randy Newman’s hate anthem, Short People.  But bigotry is often more subtle, evidenced in the plethora of Big & Tall stores and telling absence of Little & Short stores.

Nutty Cult Leader Charles Manson, 5'2", Believed That Coffee Had Stunted His Growth, Much To Abigail Folger's Eternal Regret.

It’s tough to be a runt these days.  Not only have these wretched little creatures been cruelly afflicted by an unfeeling and capricious God, but they also must endure well-meaning patronization from normals.

NBA Oddball Spud Webb Has Been Granted Honorary "Normal" Status For His Feats On The Court.

Lift your heads up, little people*–we’d like to leave you with a short thought.  The world would be a much poorer place without you.  You give us laughter.  You give us Tom Cruise movies.  Without you, guys who are 5’10” wouldn’t be able to think of themselves as tall.

Little People Are Not Toys! In Fact, Homo Sapiens And Homo Runticus Are Believed To Have Shared A Common Ancestor.

*Seriously.  People might like you better if you stopped talking to their crotches. ∞T.

Not At My Party, Squinty!

05 Wednesday Jan 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

bipedal Boston terriers, birthday, birthday parties, British study, children, creepy, creepy eye, exclusionary policy, goofy eye, Japanese Chin, kids can be little bastards sometimes, lovable scamp, models, Mr. Magoo, normals, not evil just creepy, persecution, prejudice, ruined birthday parties, squint, squinter, squinty, squinty models, strabismus, United Kingdom, United States of America, walleyed

By Smaktakula

Not THAT Kind Of Squint! This Lovable Scamp Is Welcome At Our Birthday Party. We'll Be Putting Away The Breakables.

A recent British study revealed an heretofore undiscovered class of persecuted citizen: the squinty-eyed.  Although the term “squint” has gained popularity in the United Kingdom, it refers to the condition known as strabismus, where one of the eyes points a different direction when the other is looking forward.  Called “Creep Eye” or “Goofy Eye” in the United States, squint is evinced in about 1 in 20 children.

Kid, Don't You Know That Your Eye Will Stay That Way If You . . .What? . . . Oh My God, We're So, So Sorry. You're Beautiful Just The Way God Made You.

A British study of children ages 3-12 determined that if given a choice between inviting one of these bipedal Boston terriers to their birthday party or instead inviting a Normal, children overwhelmingly chose to exclude the child with squints.  Scientists are not surprised.

Thanks To Growing Societal Acceptance, Squinty Models Can Now Get Work.

Neither is this US mother, ‘Deborah,’ who asked that her real name not be used.

I don’t have anything against those unfortunate children.  I had a cousin who was . . . like that.  Well, maybe she still is–we haven’t spoken in years.  And it’s not that I don’t think they should go to birthday parties, because I think all children should experience at least one birthday party in their lives.

Would she invite a squinter to her child’s birthday party?

Look, I’m not a bad person, okay?  But on {Jonathan’s} special day–I just can’t bear the thought of him trying to eat his cake, while across the table is one of those . . . those children.  As if it’s all perfectly normal.

Well, it’s not normal!  It’s not!

Fortunately ‘Deborah’s’ attitudes do not represent the larger facet of modern society.  As the world becomes more aware of the walleyed, it will embrace them into the warm and welcoming bosom of humanity.

Dude, You Should Totally Invite Him. Always Eager To Please, Squinty Kids Bring The Coolest Presents.

Just as long as they don’t watch us while we’re eating.  That’s really creepy.

Something Must Be Done About Blond Guys With Dreadlocks

04 Wednesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, General Foolishness, Race, Relationships

≈ 13 Comments

Tags

blond guys with dreads look like idiots, blond men, cultural dilution, cultural heritage, cultural theft, douchebaggery, dreadlocks, dreadmullet, dreads, filthy macrame, forced to diddle Lilith Fair chicks, hygiene, lhasa apsos, mullet, no hypocrisy, normals, Philosopher's Stone, race, Raggedy Andy, Rastafarianism, when pressed for time Smaktakula eagerly embraces nonsensical cliches like media-driven fishbowl, white man's overbite, white men can't dance

By Smaktakula

Race has always been a contentious topic, never more so than in today’s overcharged, media-driven fishbowl.  Issues of cultural heritage are similarly sensitive.  A longstanding and often-fiery debate continues over the question of whether the cultural properties of a race are best kept within the purview of that specific culture, or whether these formerly cultural properties be adopted by the greater culture at large to reach their full significance, thereby risking dilution.

If You Find Yourself Asking, "Why Do Dreadlocks Look Great On This Guy, But Make Me Look Like An Asshole?", Take A Few Deep Breaths And Do Your Best Not To Swallow Your Own Tongue. Promethean Times Is Here To Help.

There are no easy answers to this question, and we will not attempt any here.  Instead, can we all agree right now that blond guys need to stop wearing their hair in dreadlocks?

It Should Not Be. How Can A Loving God Let This Happen?

Promethean Times fails to see the appeal in going through life with a filthy piece of macramé clinging to your scalp.  It would appear that nature agrees with our dim assessment of the hairstyle’s aesthetic value, based on the dubious quality of the soupy pool from which these bipedal lhasa apsos are forced to choose their mates.  There are certainly more hygienic ways to attract a mate, and lacking a hairstyle that readily identifies you as a douchebag greatly increases your potential to perform intercourse with a partner who has both an established pattern of bathing and at least a nodding acquaintance with a razor.

At Least These Two Aren't Spreading Their Aberrant Chromosomes Among The Normals.

There is a danger here more insidious than simply looking like a dickhead.  Although cultural watchdogs are particularly vigilant against cultural theft, no one is guarding against the danger that more insipid elements of white culture will find their way into black culture.  Witness this disturbing back-door attempt to introduce the mullet into Rastafarian culture:

Curiously, Smaktakula Feels In No Way Hypocritical In Wanting To Beat This Punk's Lily-White Ass.

No blond man, no matter how good-looking, has ever been anything other than a pitiable clown buried under a snarl of dreads.  Anyone who thinks that he might be the blond Philosopher’s Stone, gifted with the miraculous ability to transform shit into chic, is dangerously deluded.  Unfortunately, until these misguided souls accept that cool-looking dreadlocks are forever denied them,* the rest of us will have to suffer these flesh-and-blood Raggedy Andys.

*And you can forget about not looking like an asshole while fast-dancing.

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