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Headlines: Great Big Boobs & A Phyllis Diller Smile

24 Friday Aug 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, Entertainment, History, News, Politics, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 25 Comments

Tags

Anaheim Angels, avoiding responsibility, Barack Obama, binge drinking, black people, breast implants, breastuses, celebrity deaths, childish sexual innuendo, comical despots, death penalty, DUI, fun with stereotypes, great white shark, Greece, headlines, Holocaust, Japan, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Joe Biden, Kim Jong-un, Kylie Minogue, legitimate rape, Mary Kay, Mitt Romney, Molly Ringwald, North Korea, peanuts, Phyllis Diller, racism, Rally Monkey, rape, Sikhs, Snoopy, Spongebob Squarepants, Tampa Bay Rays, Taylor Swift, Teletubbies, Ukraine, untalented authors, white people, whitey, your mother must be very proud

By Smaktakula

Back In Our Bachelor Days, We Read Certain Sections Of The Paper.

***

In which we indulge both our love of talking out of our asses and our shameful laziness by commenting on the headlines while leaving the actual reading to you.

***

Why Romney is so unpopular with black voters ~ Besides running against the black guy you mean?

Dearborn Police, Religious Groups Urge Awareness, Action in Wake of Sikh Temple Shooting ~ We love their new slogan: “Racism Makes Me Sikh!”

Mom Raising Money to See Daughter’s Killer Executed ~ It’s what Joylinda would have wanted her mom to do. Seriously, she was a very vindictive girl.

What Happens When You Get Sick Overseas ~ That depends. If, for example, you get sick someplace like the United Kingdom, you go to a hospital and likely get better. However, if you fall ill in a dusty backwater like Chad, at the very least you’re gonna lose a leg.

Comedian Phyllis Diller dies ‘with a smile’ ~ “Oh my God, that is just so fucking creepy. Did you ask the funeral director if he can do anything about that?”

“The Thing We’ll Always Cherish About Phyllis Is…The–Ah–The Thing We’ll Always Cherish…Look, Can Somebody Pull A Sheet Over That Thing So I Can Get Through This?”

Crocs Co-Founder Blames Taylor Swift at His DUI Arrest ~ No doubt–we’d try to pin the Holocaust on that warbling ear cancer if we thought we could make it stick.

I Was a Mary Kay Sales Girl: How I Barely Broke Even ~ By being a barely competent saleslady.

Police: Mom Left Kids in Crashed Car While She Got Naked, Ate Ice Cream ~ Okay, but before you judge, try to put the episode into context. After going through the trauma of an automobile accident, would it have benefitted those kids one bit to see their bare-assed mama slurping down some cookies & cream? Trust us–she did those kids a favor.

Rays rally from 8 runs down to beat Angels 10-8 ~ We’re pretty sure they’re gonna fire the marketing guy responsible for greenlighting “Let The Fucking Rally Monkey Close Out The Game” Night.

Women’s financial power grows faster than savvy ~ Are you saying that gals have more cash than brains? Oh no you don’t!–don’t go putting words into OUR mouths. We were asking you.

How to Be a Modern-Day Dictator ~ Practice innovative e-despotism by inviting your potential victims to join the Harare Massacre page on Facebook.

Bro–That Shit Was OFF THE HOOK!

Starting a Business With an Eight-Year-Old? This Mom Did ~ Ask her how she did it! On most days you’ll find her at the campground off Highway 41, living in the back of her 1997 Suzuki Swift.

For Palm Springs man, grief and anger over an end-of-life decision ~ Whereas most people find end-of-life decisions to be full of whimsy and wonder.

Score One for the Gun Lobby ~ Which can only mean that someone has died.

The Love Goddess Who Keeps Right on Seducing ~ Is a leathery Scranton bar-hag named Debbie. It’s a long and rather sad story, but she was very beautiful once.

Was Biden’s ‘back in chains’ comment to black voters intentional? ~ People, you should know by now–not a single word coming out of that man’s mouth is intentional.

Ukrainian Group Wants to Ban Spongebob and Teletubbies for Homosexuality and Idiocy, Respectively ~ Which just shows you how backward Ukrainians are. As it happens, Spongebob is entertainment for half-wits and it’s the Teletubbies who are the homos.

Spongebob Squarepants: Completely Gay–Just Not The Homosexual Kind.

Jean-Claude Van Damme Admits To Affair With Kylie Minogue … ~ No, that’s bragging. If we hear the story from a humiliated, chastened Minogue, then it’s an admission.

‘Legitimate rape’ rarely leads to pregnancy, claims US Senate candidate ~ He’s right though. Throughout the whole of recorded history, there has NEVER been an instance of legitimate rape resulting in pregnancy. It turns out there’s not actually such a thing as legitimate rape–it remains fucking heinous in every instance.

Leaning Toward the Light: Molly Ringwald Talks About Her New Novel ~ You remember how the teacher sounded in those old ‘Snoopy’ specials?–WAH wah WAH WAH wah. That’s what we hear right now.

Photo: Did the Little Mermaid get plastic surgery? ~ The ‘Little Mermaid’ of myth & legend, you mean? You’re asking if a fictional character underwent a real-life procedure? No. No, she didn’t. However, Snow White did have that nasty third nipple removed.

Obama campaign’s spending outpaces its fundraising ~ That’s pretty much his economic model.

Binge Drinking College Students Report Being Happier ~ We enjoyed college immensely.

And Happy People Tend To Be Both Responsible And Respectful Of Others.

How Well You Sleep May Hinge on Race ~ ‘Cause whitey better be sleepin’ with one eye open!

Seals blamed for increased shark sightings, great white attack off Cape Cod ~ It’s always somebody or something else, isn’t it? Sharks need to man up a little and take some responsibility for the things they do.

Japan’s Latest Pop-Music Craze? Kids ~ Echoing the longtime sexual craze of Greece.

North Korea: Kim Jong Eun married to Ri Sol Ju ~ Wait? His wife’s name is ‘We Sold You?’ That makes no sense.

Who needs air bags when you have 38KKK breasts? ~ YOU do. A compulsion for self-mutilation is a very serious disorder, but it doesn’t give you the right to completely disregard your own safety.

Your Mom & Dad Must Just Be So Fucking Proud.

***

Have A Great Weekend, Folks!

Diff’rent Strokes Curse Remains With Work Undone

29 Tuesday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture

≈ 25 Comments

Tags

a very special episode, A-Team, America's inability to say NO, Arnold Jackson, Bad Terminator, boob job, breast implants, bulimia, Celebrity Death Watch, cooze, Cultural Folk Hero, Dana Plato, Diff'rent Strokes, Diff'rent Strokes Curse, drugs, Emmanuel is the Antigary, Emmanuel Lewis, famous catchphrases, famous short people, famous virgins, Gary Coleman, Harlem, Hello Larry!, Johnnie Cochran, jumping the shark, Just Say No!, Kimberly Drummond, Knight Rider, lesbians, Moore, Mr. T, Nancy Reagan, New York, Norman Lear, obscure celebrities, Oklahoma, Playboy, porno movies, redemption, Shannon Price, small black actor, soft-core, spank mags, Tötyl Hömö, Tötyl Hömö may just be the best band name ever, Terminator 2, The Facts of Life, Todd Bridges, unremitting virginity, Vanilla Ice, Where Are They Now?, Willis Jackson

By Smaktakula

“Mr. Drummond, I Assure You, Not Only Have I Never Heard Of Something Called A ‘Stinky Pinky,’ But I–OH!”

Diff’rent Strokes proved an instant hit with TV audiences in September of 1978.  The Norman Lear sitcom about Harlem orphans falling into the lap of luxury was anchored by veteran stage actor Conrad Bain, and featured promising child stars Todd Bridges and Dana Plato.  But the breakout star of the fledgling show was an adorably precocious chubby-cheeked Gary Coleman, whose shameless mugging and hilarious catchphrase, Whatchootalkinbout, blurred the line between funny and precious.

For a time, Diff’rent Strokes was a cultural phenomenon.  There were spinoffs both successful and unsuccessful–The Facts of Life and Hello Larry, respectively.  A variety of high-profile guest stars appeared on the set, including Knight Rider and KITT, Mr. T and an only slightly punchy Muhammad Ali.  Nancy Reagan even made an appearance in an very-special 1983 episode, where she made famous the line, Just Say No, which would within a few months completely eradicate America’s drug problem.  It seemed there was no place too remote to escape the ubiquitous images of cherubic Gary Coleman and the rest of the gang.  The future was indeed bright.

When Norman Lear Heard The Story Of The Park Avenue Psycho Who Abducted Two Street Kids As Sex Slaves (Seen Here On Surveillance Video), He Knew He Had A Hit Sitcom On His Hands. He’d Have To Clean It Up A Little First.

But by the time Diff’rent Strokes limped off the air in 1986, things had changed.  The venerable show had outlasted everyone’s expectations, but the cracks were beginning to show.  Cast members left, and improbable new ones were added.  Worst of all, while puberty had done nothing for Coleman’s stumpy physique, it had cruelly robbed him of his last vestiges of cuteness, leaving him a troll.  Even by the time the cameras had stopped rolling, people had begun to whisper about a curse.

THE ACCURSED:

Here The Gang Recreates Rembrandt’s ‘Eternal Virgin Flanked By Skank And Skonk.’

Todd Bridges/Willis Jackson:  Of the show’s three principal child stars, Todd Bridges has fared the best in that he remains alive as of this writing.  In the early 1990s, it seemed almost a certainty that the actor would have been long dead by now.  Life after Diff’rent Strokes may not have been easy for Todd, but it wasn’t boring.

Bridges traces his downfall to the diabolical troika of Sex, Drugs and Dana Plato.  Already an up-and-coming child star by the time of Diff’rent Strokes, Todd was thrust too quickly into a world with which he couldn’t cope.   Todd’s burgeoning crack addiction contributed to his legal problems, including a 1988 arrest for shooting a man while on a drug-binge.  Bridges had both the wherewithal and resources to enlist the aid of Johnnie Cochran, and was able to beat the charges.

Today, it is possible to be optimistic about Todd’s future.  He has been sober for several years, and has made inroads to rebuilding his shattered career.  Todd furthered his redemption in 2002 when he beat the shit out of Vanilla Ice on Fox’s vile Celebrity Boxing.

Todd’s Redemption Song Was The Sweet Stacatto Melody His Fists Played Across ‘Nilla’s Face.

Dana Plato/Kimberly Drummond:  Dana Plato began to unravel a few years before the show took its final bow.  When she became pregnant with her only child in 1984, the show’s producers wrote her out, bringing her back for a few appearances in the final season, including a very special episode about bulimia.  Even before her dismissal, rumors had begun to swirl about possible drug use and difficulties on the set.

It was difficult for Dana to find work, although she found in Playboy a showcase for her newly augmented breasts in 1989.  Sadly, her pre-Brazillian ‘spread’ may constitute the last high point in an existence which would drag on for another ten years.  During this time she would endure a number of personal setbacks–the death of her adoptive mother, abandonment by her husband and losing custody of her son, as well as some legal hassles.  The most embarrassing of these, a video-store robbery, culminated in a 911 caller exclaiming, “I’ve just been robbed by the girl who played Kimberly on Diff’rent Strokes!”

Dana Felt Deceived When She Found That Her Criminal Record, Despite Happening In Las Vegas, Would Not In Fact Stay There.

Dana tried to revive her acting career, appearing in soft-core films and even claiming (although she would later recant) to be a lesbian.  Dana died alone in a Winnebago on Mother’s Day 1999, parked outside her boyfriend’s mom’s house in Moore, Oklahoma.  Almost eleven years later to the day, her son Tyler would kill himself, a second-generation victim of the curse.

Settle Down Now. If A Dead Girl’s Ass Makes This NSFW, Then Your Boss Needs To Learn To Live A Little. That’s All We’re Saying.

Gary Coleman/Arnold Jackson:  Gary Coleman’s recent death is still fresh in the public’s mind.  But the pitiably pint-sized punchline endured much in the twenty-four years between his untimely death and the cancellation of Diff’rent Strokes, and given the heights he once reached, his must have been the most dizzying fall.

Hello?!? It’s 2011; We Don’t Call Them That Any More. The Album Should Be Titled: “The Indian And The Cultural Folk Hero.”

Gary had always had health problems, which along with his medication, contributed to his runtiness.  Then there were the legal troubles with his parents, whom Gary sued for misappropriation of his millions.  Gary was profligate with money himself, indulging his habit for model trains.  Sadly, the tiny has-been never thought to invest his resources into finding a cure for his virginity, which persisted throughout his life.

“Come On, Touch It. Just A Little Touch. Come On, Now–Slap It A Little.” Gary Had Trouble With The Ladies.

Whether it was as a money-lending pitchman, ‘Where Are They Now?’ TV cameo or as viral video laughingstock, Gary always found a way to entertain us.  It seemed that Gary had finally found love in the form of confirmed cooze Shannon Price.  Some experts have claimed that Price was the human personification of the Diff’rent Strokes Curse, or at the very least its dark avatar.  Gary gave her his heart and in return she fiddled while he died, and in what is the greatest indignity of all, never in their several months of matrimony bestowed her marital favors on the virginal troll.

“Your Honor–As My Wife, Isn’t She Supposed To DO Something About My Little Virginity Problem?”

THE UNPUNISHED:

Conrad Bain/Phillip Drummond:  A number of theories abound as to why Conrad Bain, who along with Coleman and Bridges was with the show for its entire run, has been allowed to live for almost 88 years.  Popular explanations for this seeming immunity range from the plausible (“Bain’s Canadianness somehow inures him from the effects of the curse”) to the frankly ridiculous (“The cast members of Diff’rent Strokes aren’t the victims of a hex at all, but rather the twin factors of stardom at an early age and coincidence).  Conrad attributes his longevity to nothing more than pure luck, clean thoughts and a half-pint of his own urine every morning.

This Gang Has A Bright Future.

Danny Cooksey/Sam McKinney:  Whether Danny Cooksey is subject to the curse is a matter of some controversy among Diff’rent Strokes academicians, as the delightful, country-singing moppet only appeared in three seasons after Coleman’s cuteness began rapidly to wane.  However, considering  that those three seasons comprised the show’s pitiful last gasp and that Cooksey was at least partly to blame for the show’s demise, as the introduction of his character marked the veteran show’s “jump the shark” moment, many feel that Cooksey’s continuing existence is an affront to God Almighty.  Since then, the sassy ginger is best remembered for being shoved into a video game by Bad Terminator in Terminator 2.

Danny Cooksey And His Awesome Band ‘Bad4Good.’ Or As We Like To Call Them, Tötyl Hömö.

Housekeepers:  Likewise, the show’s three regular housekeepers, perhaps because none served more than four seasons, also appear to be free of the curse’s effects.

Charlotte Rae, who appeared through the first season as Mrs. Garrett, was miraculously allowed to escape via spinoff.

Nedra Volz, who played the antiquated Adelaide Brubaker, lasted a few seasons.  Her career never suffered, and she died in 2003, well into her ninth decade.

Mary Jo Catlett was the last actress to play housekeeper to the Drummonds.  Like Sam McKinney, her tenure included the series’ sputtering demise.  However, as she was replacing an existing supporting character while McKinney was a new and unpleasant major character, the comparison is not valid.  Catlett has enjoyed a steady, if unremarkable career.

“Killing Willis?” That’s A Bit Extreme. We’d Just Like To Kick Him In The Nuts A Few Times.

THE CURSE IN REVERSE!

Melanie Watson/Kathy Gordon: Melanie Watson is best remembered for portraying the wheelchair-bound Kathy in several episodes.  In one notable appearance, Kathy denies that she is handicapped, and insists instead, “I’m handi-CAPABLE, turkey!”  Melanie, who suffers from a condition called osteogenesis imperfecta, seems to have carved out a nice life for herself, even starting a company to train helper dogs.

So They’re Not ALL Losers, Turkey!

It would appear that the Diff’rent Strokes Curse has run its course.  There will be those desperate few who hold out hope that the curse continue, perhaps branching out to claim performers with a more tenuous tie to the series than had “the big three.”  But wishing fervently for a thing will not make it come to pass.  The grim specter of death has lifted its pitiless hand from those involved with Diff’rent Strokes, and we will have to learn to live with it.

What Might Have Been: So Many Missed Opportunities, Gary. So Many Missed Opportunities.

Everybody’s got a special kind of story/Everybody finds a way to shine,/It don’t matter that you got not a lot/So what?/They’ll have theirs, you’ll have yours and I’ll have mine/And together we’ll be fine.

Headlines 05.18.12

18 Friday May 2012

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Entertainment

≈ 14 Comments

Tags

alcohol abuse, Barack Obama, Baseball, breast implants, breastuses, Diabetes, dope, grass, headlines, hemp, Jewish people, Los Angeles Dodgers, marijuana, natural selection, obesity, Pauly Shore, PMS, pot, reefer, Secret Service, sweet sweet cheeba, weed, Wrigley Field

By Smaktakula

Despite The Severity Of The Accident, Nobody Felt A Thing.

In which we respond to the headlines without reading the articles. Reading is for the weak.

Why This Isn’t ‘The Most Important Election’ ~ Because they can’t ALL be, right?

Cool or creepy? It kisses back ~ Depends on what ‘It’ is.

Secret Service Reportedly Bragged About Obama In Brothel ~ So you’re just gonna take the hooker’s word for it?

Packers aide whose son died gets Miami job ~ So the story has a happy ending after all.

Drink a couple of beers & you might ace a test ~ Not a field sobriety test, though. Be warned.

In Fact, Not Every Time Is Miller Time.

7 ways to fix weird odors ~ 1) Bathe. 2) Bathe again. 3) Cologne. 4) Bathe. 5) Bathe. 6) 1 hour of intensive burlap dermabrasion therapy. 7) Bathe.

Popular Antibiotic May Raise Risk of Sudden Death ~Wait! They’re taking cardio-arrhythmocin off the market?

First-time porno viewer sees his wife in film ~ Yeah, ‘first time.’

Actress ‘can’t look away’ from boob jobs ~ We’re the same way.

They Have Their Own Gravitational Field; Light Itself Is Bent To Their Evil Desires.

Beaten for being born a girl? ~ Pussy can make men do crazy things.

23 Zoo Animals That Will Eat Your Children ~ 23 fun new ways to relieve yourself of an unwanted burden.

Iranian president: Israel ‘nothing more than a mosquito’ to Iran ~ No fair! We get in a whole mess of trouble when we call Jews ‘bloodsuckers.’

Can You Call a 9-Year-Old a Psychopath? ~ Pfft. We’ve called 9 year-olds a whole lot worse.

Why Wrigley Field Must Be Destroyed ~ Well, for one thing, if occupied at the time of destruction, it would go a long way toward solving America’s obesity epidemic.

Unlike The Previous Pic, Those Babies Are Real.

World record holder for ‘longest time to live with a bullet in the head’ dies ~ Pauly Shore–are you reading this? We may have just discovered your way back into the public eye!

Group argues weed is safer than booze ~ Unfortunately, they were arguing with a group of drunks, who promptly assaulted them. There were tearful apologies the next morning of course, but that doesn’t change the fact that Skeeter got a bottle shoved in his eye.

Because How Often Does A Stoner Throw A Punch?

Study: Heavy teens have trouble managing diabetes ~ Whereas physically fit teens have trouble contracting the malady.

2 teen girls who fell asleep while sunbathing on Pa. road are struck by car … ~ We can’t help but see this as a big win for the gene pool.

What’s the reason for Dodgers’ early surge? ~ Awesomeness, mostly. Pure awesomeness.

Women with PMS are better at seeing snakes ~ And that, folks, is absolutely the most positive spin they’re able to put on it.

Do Yourself A Favor: Stay Away.

‘Marrying down’ now is trending among women ~ Like that’s new. Hello? Smaktakula’s married!

Teen texts cops: ‘I hid the body … now what?’ ~ Now you cut off the fingertips and smash the teeth, making future identification of your victim more difficult for the authorities. Next, cover the body in lime to aid in decomposition. Lastly, as tempting as it may be to make a tearful, drunken confession to a close friend who will then inevitably turn you into the authorities, you’re best served by keeping your mouth shut. You’ll do it, though. You’ll talk.

Obama falls to Earth as just a politician ~ It happened a while ago, actually. The press is just now picking up on it.

How much can you trust a diagnosis from Dr. Google? ~ Seriously? Change your name, Creepo, and stay away from gynaecology altogether.

“Hey, Sweets…Maybe You Want To *heh heh* Have A Few Drinks *heh* Before You Come In.”

Did I Do That?: When Urkels Attack

23 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

"Did I do that?", anger management, breast implants, Bridget Hardy, broken toilets, Charlie Sheen, domestic violence, dorks, douchebaggery, Family Matters, former child stars, geeks, has-been, infidelity, Jaleel White, Jerkel, nerds, spazzes, spousal abuse, Trivial Pursuit, untalented stars, Urkel, weirdos, Where Are They Now?

By Smaktakula

In a classy move right out of the Sheen Playbook, Trivial Pursuit answer Jaleel ‘Urkel’ White is accused of beating the mother of his child.  Bridget Hardy, white’s ex-girlfriend, alleges that the former child star punched her in one of her breast implants and later shoved her into a toilet hard enough to break it, as well as engaging in other violent and threatening activities.

Jerkel: The Has-Been Became Enraged And Accused Hardy Of Infidelity When It Was Revealed That Her Child Was Good Looking And Not At All Socially Awkward.

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