Tag Archives: black people

Headlines: Great Big Boobs & A Phyllis Diller Smile

24 Friday Aug 2012

Posted by in Crime, Culture, Entertainment, History, News, Politics, Sport, Stupidity

≈ 25 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Back In Our Bachelor Days, We Read Certain Sections Of The Paper.

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In which we indulge both our love of talking out of our asses and our shameful laziness by commenting on the headlines while leaving the actual reading to you.

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Why Romney is so unpopular with black voters ~ Besides running against the black guy you mean?

Dearborn Police, Religious Groups Urge Awareness, Action in Wake of Sikh Temple Shooting ~ We love their new slogan: “Racism Makes Me Sikh!”

Mom Raising Money to See Daughter’s Killer Executed ~ It’s what Joylinda would have wanted her mom to do. Seriously, she was a very vindictive girl.

What Happens When You Get Sick Overseas ~ That depends. If, for example, you get sick someplace like the United Kingdom, you go to a hospital and likely get better. However, if you fall ill in a dusty backwater like Chad, at the very least you’re gonna lose a leg.

Comedian Phyllis Diller dies ‘with a smile’ ~ “Oh my God, that is just so fucking creepy. Did you ask the funeral director if he can do anything about that?”

“The Thing We’ll Always Cherish About Phyllis Is…The–Ah–The Thing We’ll Always Cherish…Look, Can Somebody Pull A Sheet Over That Thing So I Can Get Through This?”

Crocs Co-Founder Blames Taylor Swift at His DUI Arrest ~ No doubt–we’d try to pin the Holocaust on that warbling ear cancer if we thought we could make it stick.

I Was a Mary Kay Sales Girl: How I Barely Broke Even ~ By being a barely competent saleslady.

Police: Mom Left Kids in Crashed Car While She Got Naked, Ate Ice Cream ~ Okay, but before you judge, try to put the episode into context. After going through the trauma of an automobile accident, would it have benefitted those kids one bit to see their bare-assed mama slurping down some cookies & cream? Trust us–she did those kids a favor.

Rays rally from 8 runs down to beat Angels 10-8 ~ We’re pretty sure they’re gonna fire the marketing guy responsible for greenlighting “Let The Fucking Rally Monkey Close Out The Game” Night.

Women’s financial power grows faster than savvy ~ Are you saying that gals have more cash than brains? Oh no you don’t!–don’t go putting words into OUR mouths. We were asking you.

How to Be a Modern-Day Dictator ~ Practice innovative e-despotism by inviting your potential victims to join the Harare Massacre page on Facebook.

Bro–That Shit Was OFF THE HOOK!

Starting a Business With an Eight-Year-Old? This Mom Did ~ Ask her how she did it! On most days you’ll find her at the campground off Highway 41, living in the back of her 1997 Suzuki Swift.

For Palm Springs man, grief and anger over an end-of-life decision ~ Whereas most people find end-of-life decisions to be full of whimsy and wonder.

Score One for the Gun Lobby ~ Which can only mean that someone has died.

The Love Goddess Who Keeps Right on Seducing ~ Is a leathery Scranton bar-hag named Debbie. It’s a long and rather sad story, but she was very beautiful once.

Was Biden’s ‘back in chains’ comment to black voters intentional? ~ People, you should know by now–not a single word coming out of that man’s mouth is intentional.

Ukrainian Group Wants to Ban Spongebob and Teletubbies for Homosexuality and Idiocy, Respectively ~ Which just shows you how backward Ukrainians are. As it happens, Spongebob is entertainment for half-wits and it’s the Teletubbies who are the homos.

Spongebob Squarepants: Completely Gay–Just Not The Homosexual Kind.

Jean-Claude Van Damme Admits To Affair With Kylie Minogue … ~ No, that’s bragging. If we hear the story from a humiliated, chastened Minogue, then it’s an admission.

‘Legitimate rape’ rarely leads to pregnancy, claims US Senate candidate ~ He’s right though. Throughout the whole of recorded history, there has NEVER been an instance of legitimate rape resulting in pregnancy. It turns out there’s not actually such a thing as legitimate rape–it remains fucking heinous in every instance.

Leaning Toward the Light: Molly Ringwald Talks About Her New Novel ~ You remember how the teacher sounded in those old ‘Snoopy’ specials?–WAH wah WAH WAH wah. That’s what we hear right now.

Photo: Did the Little Mermaid get plastic surgery? ~ The ‘Little Mermaid’ of myth & legend, you mean? You’re asking if a fictional character underwent a real-life procedure? No. No, she didn’t. However, Snow White did have that nasty third nipple removed.

Obama campaign’s spending outpaces its fundraising ~ That’s pretty much his economic model.

Binge Drinking College Students Report Being Happier ~ We enjoyed college immensely.

And Happy People Tend To Be Both Responsible And Respectful Of Others.

How Well You Sleep May Hinge on Race ~ ‘Cause whitey better be sleepin’ with one eye open!

Seals blamed for increased shark sightings, great white attack off Cape Cod ~ It’s always somebody or something else, isn’t it? Sharks need to man up a little and take some responsibility for the things they do.

Japan’s Latest Pop-Music Craze? Kids ~ Echoing the longtime sexual craze of Greece.

North Korea: Kim Jong Eun married to Ri Sol Ju ~ Wait? His wife’s name is ‘We Sold You?’ That makes no sense.

Who needs air bags when you have 38KKK breasts? ~ YOU do. A compulsion for self-mutilation is a very serious disorder, but it doesn’t give you the right to completely disregard your own safety.

Your Mom & Dad Must Just Be So Fucking Proud.

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Have A Great Weekend, Folks!

Stereotypes: What About The Good Ones?

27 Monday Feb 2012

Posted by in Culture

≈ 14 Comments

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By Smaktakula

It's A Fact: Straight White Guys Dance Like Assholes.

For as long as there have been different cultures, there have been cruel stereotypes about those cultures. In ancient times the Sumerians were  believed to be penny-pinchers, the Mayans considered bad guests who wouldn’t leave, and Etruscans were accused of  “dressing too faggy.” Even in modern times, there are some¹ who propound the rumor that Belgian people have belly buttons which are neither innies nor outies, but rather prehensile tentacles which the Belgians use to drain fluid from the organs of the handicapped victims who are their natural prey.

Of course, as any grade-school teacher will tell you, there’s no truth in any stereotype. Stereotypes are just a symptom of fear, a fear which stems from ignorance of other people and cultures. Once a person is exposed to the culture he believes so frightening, he will quickly come to understand that people the world over are exactly the same.²

There are those who say that all stereotypes are injurious, even those of a ‘positive’ nature. Positive or not, these critics contend, stereotypes still serve to distort perceptions and contribute to the widening of various cultural schisms.

You decide.

Asians–Is it really such a handicap to be judged intelligent solely on the basis of your race?  It might be unfair to the morons within the culture, but as we know, Asian morons (or ‘the uninterrigent,’ as they’re known in the Far East) are exceedingly rare. Also, it’s not a bad thing if people avoid fucking with you in the off-chance that you’re a kung-fu master.

These Stanford Cardiologists Take A Break From Their Busy Work Schedule.

Gay men–Folks think you’re a good dancer, even when you’re not.

"You Are The Dancing Queen/Young And Sweet/Only Seventeen"

The French–No good stereotypes exist for the French. About the best thing we can say is that if you scrub ’em down real good, you’ll find out they’re actually Swiss.

There's No Call For This. Clearly, We're Letting Our Francophobia Get The Better Of Us.

White people–Even the most destitute piece of  poor white trash wandering the back hollows of Mississippi is secretly believed by the other races³to be a member of an illuminati-like conspiracy of world-shaking power brokers.  Also, traffic stops rarely end in a beating.

Although This Old Photo Proved An Embarrassment To Senator McWilliams of Kentucky, He Successfully Won Re-Election On A 'No More Immigrants!' Platform.

Latinos–Many positive stereotypes are attributed to persons of Latin descent.  “He works like a Mexican” is a compliment, and one has only to see 23 people crammed into a two-bedroom apartment to know that the family is paramount in Latin culture.  Also, they make great soccer players.

Illegal? Not In The Carpool Lane.

Canadians–Do you folks really mind being thought of as smarter, cleaner, more polite Americans?

"Why Are You So Dirty, Stupid And Rude, Eh?"

The Polish–Tardsie has been to Poland. He says that everything you’ve heard is true.

How Do You Break A Pole's Finger?

Black dudes–Hell yeeeeaaaaaah.

But It's Not For The Kids To Play With, You Know What We're Sayin'?

¹Us, mostly. ∞ T.
²Irrespective of the truth, it’s what you’re supposed to say. ∞ T.
³Most Asians either know or suspect the truth, but will likely play along. ∞ T.

Is It Racist?

01 Tuesday Nov 2011

Posted by in Culture, Politics

≈ 2 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Would you be racist if you were to say this dude looks kinda looks like an older, fatter Hitler?

Racist? The Hitler Thing Is Tiresome, But It's Hardly Racist.

But wait just a moment! This gentleman is Rep. G. K. Butterfield of North Carolina, a member of the Congressional Black Caucus–he’s African-American.  That’s right–you just compared a black guy to Adolf Hitler, you filthy racist.

"Hey Bud, You Wanna Hang Out Sometime?"

We hope you’re proud of yourself. ∞T.

Meet Tomorrow’s Tyrants Today: Black Julius

05 Friday Aug 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Music, Politics

≈ 2 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Zuma May Be Rough Around The Edges, But Consider The Alternatives.

Making South Africa’s Jacob Zuma seem statesmanlike is no small feat.  Although the one-party nation’s populist president and leader of the ruling African National Congress (ANC) is by all appearances an affable fellow, Zuma has repeatedly demonstrated behavior unbecoming the head of the nation which, particularly in light of Egypt’s recent woes, remains a premier economic power in Africa.  In one display of poor judgement, Zuma suggested that he was not at risk  for HIV despite having unprotected sex with a woman he knew to be infected, because he took a post-coital shower.   Despite this, the young firebrand whom Zuma himself tagged to be South Africa’s future tyrant imbues the current president with an air of Dalai Lama-like gravitas by comparison.

Orange Julius Is A Different Guy Altogether. This Northern Ireland Rabble-Rouser Was Killed In A 1988 Car-Bomb Attack. Shamrock Shake Is Believed To Have Been The Culprit.

Cherubic hatemonger Julius Malema has proven a polarizing figure in South African politics.  As president of the ANC Youth League since 2008, Malema has courted a number of controversies during his tenure in office, among them vociferous and ad hominem denunciations of various ‘enemies,’ attempts to muzzle the press–including threats to shut down Twitter, and a conviction for hate speech.  Just thirty years old, the inarticulate race-baiter was nine years old when Nelson Mandela was freed and Apartheid abolished, returning national rule to the black majority.  Despite living most of his life in a black-governed South Africa, Malema still manages to blame white people for most of his country’s ills.  He doesn’t care for Asians, either.

Zuma Knowns That As Risky As It Is To Hold A Snake, It's More Dangerous To Put It Down.

As an admirer of Zimbabwe’s Robert ‘ChocoFührer’ Mugabe, Malema espouses taking the means of production out of the hands of a wealthy elite and redistributing it to his more deserving cronies.   These policies have proved nothing short of transformational for Zimbabwe; in just a few short years the aging Afro-fascist has managed to oust most of the nation’s white farmers, erasing not only their influence, but also quite coincidentally, turning what was not so long ago one of Africa’s premier nations into tomorrow’s All-Star Charity Benefit Concert.

Despite Having The Same Mustache, Mugabe Is Not At All Like Hitler. Hitler Was A White Supremacist. Mugabe Is A Black Supremacist. Completely Different.

In South Africa, the fall of Apartheid and the ensuing years of stability, peace and a relatively high living standard have made the nation unique among its neighbors.  However, if anyone can undo this damage and return South Africa to the ranks of the continent’s despotic strong-man regimes, it’s Black Julius.

Julius May Look Like An Angry Lesbian, But Really He's Just An Angry Dude.

A Bitch By Any Other Name

14 Thursday Jul 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Crime, News, Stupidity

≈ 7 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Attention idiots: you may be threatening the wrong Casey Anthony.

It's Totally Okay To Hate Her. It Feels Pretty Good, Doesn't It?

The public is pretty upset about last week’s jury decision clearing accused child-murderess Casey Anthony of all but the most minor charges.  Most people find an appropriate outlet for this rage, such as Facebook status updates or in the Lethe-like powers of alcohol.  Some, however, express their animus through inappropriate displays like death threats.

Sadly, all those death threats don’t always find their intended targets.  As it turns out, that there are one or two other Casey Anthonys running around out there.  One of these is Casey Anthony of Darby, Pennsylvania, who has recently been receiving death threats from well-meaning, but moronic members of the public.  This Casey Anthony, if people had bothered to check, is a dude–a goateed, bald black dude, who in fact bears only a passing resemblance to the clean-shaven, fully folliculate, infanticidal white chick.

Look, Color-Blindness And Gender Neutrality Have Their Place, But Don't Be An Idiot.

To make matters worse for ‘Good’ Casey, he’s not the only member of his family to have the name.  It turns out that two of his sons are also named Casey Anthony.

Wait.  What?

No Rice For You!

31 Monday Jan 2011

Posted by in Culture

≈ 4 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Raise Your Hand If Yours Is A Life Of Joyless Tedium.

If you’ve been a student in any multi-ethnic society during the last twenty years, you may have noticed a particular scholastic trend among Asian students.  They do better than you.  Like most people, you probably figured that the Asian kids were simply smarter.  While such an intellectual disparity may be possible–even likely, it only tells half the story.  The secret to the Asian kid’s success isn’t simply her own intelligence, but that her parents are wildly superior to your lame-ass mom and dad.

The Chinese Way: Efficient, But Never At The Cost Of Human Dignity.

Or so says Amy Chua. Writing recently in the Wall Street Journal, Chua argues for the superiority of Chinese parenting, whose techniques she employs in her own parenting.  The author happily boasts about regimenting her daughters’ lives, gleefully excising any activity which does not contribute directly toward a Harvard matriculation.  Unlike lazy roundeye parents who place an inordinate value upon their children’s happiness and ability to control their own destinies, superior Chinese parents do things just a little bit differently.  The only real difference between an Americanized child and one of Chua’s hyper-achievers is that the loafing yankee gets to have sleepovers, play a musical instrument other than the piano or violin, have unstructured free time and to participate in the various carefree activities which constitute a normal childhood.

Sure, Why WOULDN'T She Thank You, Mom?

As might be expected, Ms. Chua’s opinions are not shared by everyone.  Many lackluster white, Latino, black and Asian-of-other-than-Chinese-descent mothers* take exception to Chua’s smarmy critique of their parenting.

Chua is dismissive of the idea that her behavior will cause her daughters to one day resent her.  “They already resent me.  I resent my mother, and she her mother before her.  But as long as my girls graduate first in their class at Harvard and enter into a loveless power marriage, I’ll be satisfied.”  When asked what would make her truly happy, Chua said, “Happiness is for chumps.”

Some observers note that Ms. Chua has not been completely honest when she claims to have raised her daughter in the traditional Chinese method.  For example, it appears her daughters can walk without difficulty, indicating that Chua has likely eschewed the ancient tradition of foot-binding.  Moreover, that the author has two daughters seems to fly in the face of her claims.  In traditional Chinese culture the young ladies would have been drowned at birth, preserving the family’s precious resources for a much-more valuable boy child.

Who's The Man?

*No data exists on the relative laziness of Native American mothers. ∞T.

All Men Are Created Equal (Not Really)

09 Wednesday Jun 2010

Posted by in Constitutional Issues, Crime, Culture, Justice, National Events, National Politics, People, Political Correctness, Race

≈ 5 Comments

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By Smaktakula

For those who don’t know, a hate crime is a crime that is committed against a black, disabled, jewish or gay person that isn’t committed by a black, disabled, jewish or gay person.

The distinction can be tricky.  Simply hating someone and then committing a crime against them is not sufficient to be considered a hate crime.  Likewise, because a crime is hateful, doesn’t automatically qualify it as a hate crime.  For example, stabbing an elderly woman 13 times in the face for her social security check is not, in and of itself, a hate crime.  Supposing however, that the old lady in question is a lesbian while her attacker is not, then it is indeed a hate crime.

Hate crimes are considered more heinous than other crimes.  As such, they carry stiffer sentences than their non-hate brethren, in much the way that stealing $1,000,000 is considered worse than stealing $49.50.  Given that the first sum is worth more, most people would agree that the theft of same should carry with it a more rigorous penalty.

Logically then, the types of people who are potential victims of hate crimes are of greater value to society than those who aren’t.  Were this not the case, all crimes of a similar nature (i.e., assault, rape, murder, being salty) would be punished equally under the law.

Since all crimes of a similar nature do not meet this criterion, it follows that the least worthy element in our society is the straight, white, ambulatory male.

When Viewed In This Light, It Does Make A Certain Sense.