By Smaktakula

Across time and culture it has long been the accepted practice of parents everywhere to embarrass their children. Historically this has taken many forms, with parents finding some way–a dead-end job, an embarrassing religious or social affiliation, or being personally grotesque–to mortify their offspring.  So it has gone since time began, and so it was assumed until recently, it would continue. But the current era’s tendency toward both permissiveness and cynicism means that parents must work increasingly hard to humiliate their jaded offspring.

The era of confessional reality TV ensures that parents can no longer rely upon being overly confessional (i.e., “Did Cindy tell you she was born with a vestigial tail?” or “No, I haven’t always been a woman . . .”), as today’s youth take any attention as a positive thing.

Nor does fringe-level employment scar children like it used to. In this age of unemployment…

Originally posted 10.04.11

By Smaktakula

Admit it, you don’t know much about the Jehovah’s Witnesses other than that you fear them. For many, the sight of a well-dressed, smiling couple patrolling the neighborhood can instill the same fear that a gang member would. Unlike that gang member, whose interest in your house is only a possibility, the Witnesses are guaranteed to knock on your door, copy of The Watchtower in hand.

You may know some of the more peculiar details of the Witnesses’ faith–the failed doomsday predictions, their lack of cool holidays or Witnesses’ refusal to salute the flag. Moreover, they refuse blood transfusions and military service. Most peculiar of all, like Jews and Seventh Day Adventists, Witnesses choose to ruin their Saturday with church, rather than the accepted Western tradition of Church on Sunday.

But most people don’t know the price the Witnesses have paid over the years for…

By Smaktakula

If you have a penis, or know someone who does, then we don’t have to tell you that it’s a rough time to be a phallus. Not so long ago, the dangers faced by cocks were somewhat pedestrian: the clap, chafing from improper handling or the thankfully more infrequent, but blindly excruciating pain of getting the ‘lil man caught in your zipper. But 21st Century has brought with it dark days for the male reproductive organ.  Readers of Promethean Times have been aware of this grisly trend for some time, having witnessed man-meat subjected to slicing, grinding and the ravenous appetites of ball-chomping ferrets. These incidents are not aberrations; the threat posed to our junk is real and persistent.

Like many a fellow, Kentucky truck driver Phillip Seaton took his manhood for granted until the day he woke up without it. The detesticled driver had gone…

By The Promethean Times Editorial Staff

Before we get started, we should confess something: despite the cruel, ignorant and generally irresponsible things we say about people, places and things, it may surprise our readers to know that we hold in great affection many of those very subjects we skewer so mercilessly.¹ Chief among these beloved foils are the Irish. Although we will continue to mock these hapless, potato-munching inebriates until our dying day, the fact that Tardsie and Smaktakula have between them made a combined five trips to the Emerald Isle should to a large degree demonstrate Promethean Times‘ love for the Micks.

The Irish are a warm, gregarious people, who, despite the startling number of fistfights in which they regularly engage, are rightly known for their genial natures. Although theirs is a bittersweet history, full of famines, oppression and drunkenness, it’s difficult not to admire a people…

By Tardsie

A friend of mine died tragically this weekend. He was far too young. Has there ever been an instance of someone who died too old?

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For what is it all but being hatched,

And running about the yard,

To the day of the block?

Save that a man has an angel’s brain,

And sees the ax from the first!

Edgar Lee Masters

Spoon River Anthology

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The Pursuit of Happiness

You can’t chase down happiness like a hunted animal. While you might pursue–and catch–a great many other things, you’ll have to find happiness within yourself. Love yourself and let others love you. Ain’t no other way, folks.

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Do It Right

If you could be anyone in the world at any time, who would it be? By ‘be,’ we don’t mean that you’d simply have the person’s appearance, property or talents, but that you would actually be…

By Smaktakula

Diff’rent Strokes proved an instant hit with TV audiences in September of 1978.  The Norman Lear sitcom about Harlem orphans falling into the lap of luxury was anchored by veteran stage actor Conrad Bain, and featured promising child stars Todd Bridges and Dana Plato.  But the breakout star of the fledgling show was an adorably precocious chubby-cheeked Gary Coleman, whose shameless mugging and hilarious catchphrase, Whatchootalkinbout, blurred the line between funny and precious.

For a time, Diff’rent Strokes was a cultural phenomenon.  There were spinoffs both successful and unsuccessful–The Facts of Life and Hello Larry, respectively.  A variety of high-profile guest stars appeared on the set, including Knight Rider and KITT, Mr. T and an only slightly punchy Muhammad Ali.  Nancy Reagan even made an appearance in an very-special 1983 episode, where she made famous the line, Just Say No, which would…

By Smaktakula

Like so much of the English language, ‘Gay’ has a variety of connotations.  Here are the three most common definitions, told with pictures rather than words.

1) Oldest Definition.

Generally considered archaic.

Ex:The joys of the Christmas season left everyone feeling quite gay.

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2) Contemporary definition.

Not just happy–Fabulous.

Ex:Evan’s not very good at sports because he’s gay.*

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   3) Pejorative Definition.

Most recent variant, circa 1980s.

Ex:He’s got a tattoo of a Camaro on his back, and it’s super-fucking gay.

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Some rare and wondrous creatures manage to embody all three definitions simultaneously:

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*A note to potentially offended readers: It should be obvious that any implication that gay people make poor athletes is intended for humorous purposes, and does not reflect the actual opinions of Promethean Times.  In fact there have been many outstanding homosexual athletes…