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~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

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Category Archives: Promethean Times

Beautiful Spam

12 Friday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

Leipzig Blues or Farewell My Angel Of Heartbreak, PoetBot3000, Robert Frost, Smaktakula's reliance upon penis-enlarging ointments, spam, spammers

By Smaktakula And PoetBot3000

Promethean Times receives its share of spam, which we endeavor to keep from your sensitive eyes.  However, every great once in a while we encounter something that touches our very souls.  The following work is one such example.

When Life Hands You A Lemon, Say "What The Fuck Is This? I Asked For Spam!"

We won’t dignify the spammer by giving his name or his website–we’ll buy our penis-enlarging ointments elsewhere, thank you very much.  The spammer’s beautiful words, however, do deserve a forum.

With no further explanation, Promethean Times presents what we like to call, Leipzig Blues, or Farewell My Angel Of Heartbreak.

Incident Door,white origin except title blue establishment ball college listen inside since production word could confirm to how engineering once identify directly responsibility finally kind about police notion entirely merely society growing fast dead master sir match practice generation coffee straight roof weight space too rich away importance unit ago just health television disease artist become newspaper her concentrate she observation show potential author system analysis until expression limit arise white just working available beautiful direct have finance down picture map into burn draw fear component journey studio living outside shoot east

"Damn, Son--That Shit Is Tight!"

This Day In History: November 11, 1918 CE

11 Thursday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in History

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

11 November, 1918, Allies, Armistice Day, eleventh hour, Germany, Great War, sacrifice, surrender, The War To End All Wars, this day in history, trenches, Veterans Day, World War I, WWI

On which, at the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month, an Armistice ends the sanguinary horrors of the First World War, ensuring that armed conflict would from this day forward forever be an ugly artifact of the past.

"So Why Are They Calling It World War ONE?"

Q: Why is World War I sometimes referred to as the ‘Great War?’

A: Because aside from both decimating an entire generation of young men and precipitating the cataclysmic political upheavals of the 20th Century, WWI was pretty great.

Thanks, Vets.

A Boy Named Kick Me

10 Wednesday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

bad parents, call girls, Chastity, Deborah Campbell, Dick Swett, ESPN, exotic dancers, Heath Campbell, heavy metal band names, Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell, hooker names, idiots, Jägermeister, JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, Kosuke Fukudome, nomenclature-based abuse, poor impulse control, Rusty Kuntz, terrible names, Weinhard, white supremacists

By Smaktakula

Dealt A Staggering Blow At Birth, Richard Swett Turned His Wheels Into The Skid And Embraced His Handicap.

Since the dawn of time, well-meaning parents have been giving their children ridiculous names.  From the celebrity who bestows the name Pomegranate upon her offspring to the fringy basement-dweller who names his kid Billy Ray Chewbacca, parents from all walks of life enjoy abusing their parental naming rights.

You're Right, This Doesn't Count. But It's Still Funny.

But some go too far.  Most people are by now familiar with the story of Heath and Deborah Campbell, who burdened their son with the name Adolf Hitler Campbell.  His sisters’ fate was worse.  Not only were they also given white supremacist names, but with the added inconvenience of non-traditional spelling and of being unpronounceable to boot: it’s a given that little JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell will have some trouble on the playground.   Child Protective Services has placed the children in foster care, ostensibly on the grounds of their parents’ health.

In Fairness To Ma And Pa Kuntz, There Isn't A Whole Lot They Could Have Done.

While Der Campbellkinder may be safe in the warm and nurturing arms of the foster care system, thousands of children across the country are still with the demoniacal parents who precipitated this nomenclature-based abuse.  To see this, one has only to know that a handful of poor impulse control dads and enabling moms have stuck their brats with the name ESPN, in honor of the 24-hour cable sports network.

"Can I Tell You, Mom & Dad? Can I Tell You How Much I Hate You?"

Some Helpful Naming Tips:

  • Avoid naming your children after alcoholic beverages.  Weinhard and Jägermeister probably won’t think it’s as cute as you do.
  • Parents whose last name is a verb should exercise EXTREME caution when naming their daughters to avoid the many call girl/exotic dancer combinations.
  • Avoid creative spellings such as Kody, Ayden, Trevis and the like.  Your child is not a heavy metal band.
  • Only name your daughter “Chastity” if you’re a fan of irony.
Smaktakula is a family name!

We’re Not Too Proud To Offer ‘B’ Material

08 Monday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

'B' Material, Apps, bad jokes, iPhone, Pedo Bear, pedo-meter, pedometer, police, well they should damn it!, Won't somebody please think of the children?

By Smaktakula

Everywhere You Step, There's Another One. Literally.

We recently downloaded a free iPhone application, the name of which implied the app could identify sexual predators.  We decided to test it out at our local supermarket.

We braced ourselves for the possibility that a few individuals we encountered–perhaps even people we knew–might be sexual predators.  But we could not have prepared ourselves for the degenerate horror into which we had thrust ourselves.  Moments after we started the application, it registered a deviant.  As we moved around the store trying to triangulate and identify individual perverts, the data on the phone showed a dizzying increase in suspicious individuals.

"He's Climbin' In Yo Windows! He's Snatchin' Yo People Up!"

Eventually the data were showing more sexual predators in the immediate area than we could visually confirm, possibly indicating that some were hiding between the rows of food, or perhaps secreted under the flooring or in the back room.  Since the threat posed a greater danger than we were prepared to face, we chose to alert the authorities.

Little Billy's Parents Would Later Tearfully Tell The Police That Chester's Hair Should Have Been A Dead Giveaway.

We were understandably chagrined when the police informed us that the application was a pedometer–a device which measures walking or running distance, and not a pedo-meter, which furthermore, they were quick to point out, does not exist.

Won't Somebody Please Think Of The Children?

What?  They can’t all be winners, folks.

Does God Exist?

08 Monday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

burning bush, cultural cockroach, God, gold digger, higher power, I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER?, John Lennon, Lolcats, Lotrimin, Mark David Chapman, meal ticket, performance artists, proving the existence of God, the Almighty, the woman who destroyed the Beatles, Tokyo, untalented stars, Why God? Why?, Yoko Ono

By Smaktakula

The Revelatory Powers Of A Burning Bush Are Legendary. Fortunately, Lotrimin Produces An Ointment Which Will Help Soothe The Itching And Discomfort.

Such a fundamentally contentious issue as the existence of a higher power, despite that the question must be answerable by either a yes or no, is too complex to answer neatly in a few short paragraphs, and frankly, more than a little beyond our intellectual safety zone.

Promethean Times is always eager to let our readers do the intellectual hard work.  Leaving the question in your capable hands, we present a single piece of evidence both for and against the existence of the Almighty.

For: Lolcats.

He's Asking For A Cheeseburger, But It's Comically Misspelled! Could You Just Die?

Against: The continuing existence of Yoko Ono.

Tenaciously Managing To Survive Both The Firebombing Of Tokyo And Mark David Chapman's Point-Blank Slaying Of Her Meal-Ticket Husband, This Shrieking Cultural Cockroach Will Outlive Us All.

Could You Be An Asshole? Threads

05 Friday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

Could you be an asshole?, douchebaggery, Ed Hardy, fake tough guys, fashion, Jon Gosselin, my T-shirt says I'm a douche, sexymancake

By Smaktakula

Two words: Ed Hardy

Listen Up, Babydoll--You Just Sit Right Down And Help Yourself To A Big Ol' Slice Of Sexymancake.

This Day In History: 1605 CE

05 Friday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in History

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

England, Gunpowder Plot, Gunpowder Treason, Guy Fawkes, Guy Fawkes Night, home-grown terrorism, London, November 5th, Parliament, penny for the Guy?, protoIslamofascism, remember remember the Fifth of November, Terrorism, this day in history, traitor, treachery, treason, true meanings of holidays, V For Vendetta

On which protoIslamofascist Guy Fawkes’ unsuccessful attempt to blow up Parliament is remembered through a holiday and a lackluster film.

Fawkes' Original Plan Was To Strike The Houses Of Parliament With "A Flyeing Contrapshun Of Some Varietee, Laden With Elyxirs Both Incendiaree And Caustic."

Penny for the Guy?

People Of Size Undeserving Of Your Scorn

04 Thursday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

addiction, America's inability to say NO, apology, baleen whales, bloggers, CBS, childhood obesity, chubby chasers, evil corporations, fast food, fat people, girthophobia, intolerance, irresponsibility, life in North Korea sure is shitty!, Marie Claire, Maura Kelly, Mike and Molly, North Korea, obesity, people of size, Pizza the Hut, plumper porn, poor self-esteem, shifting blame, sizeism, Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding, trans-fats, waddling grotesquery, War on Fat, Why am I so fat?

By Smaktakula

In A Perfect World Parents Would Have Another Option For Feeding Their Children. If Only There Were Some Kind Of Market Where Parents Could Purchase Fresh, Wholesome Food To Prepare For Their Children, That Would Be Super.

Recently, a blogger for Marie Claire was compelled to issue an abject apology after making derogatory comments about people of size.  In a scathing review of CBS‘ new fat show, Mike and Molly, columnist Maura Kelly called fat people “aesthetically displeasing,” and compared obesity to an addiction.  The nationwide eruption of hurt feelings took Marie Claire’s editors by surprise, and after some fumbling, they distanced themselves from the story and presumably forced Kelly’s apology.

It’s laughable to think that a simple act of contrition can exculpate either Kelly or Marie Claire for this deplorable instance of intolerance.  People of size may have massive, quivering bodies, but their self-esteem is by contrast as delicate as a sugar sculpture.  By shattering it, Kelly has only served to drive these waddling grotesqueries back into the cool, comforting embrace of the refrigerator in a vain effort to exorcise their pain.  The blogger should not only be fired, but also subjected to some sort of sensitivity-increasing exercise, such as the forced viewing of plumper porn.

Really? You'd Like To See These Two Baleen Going At It?

Kelly’s supporters argue that like drug addiction, eating disorders are medically recognized conditions, and that the writer’s opinions echo those of medical science.  Moreover, they’re likely to point to the fact that outside of fetishists, most people are turned off by fleshy truckloads of undulant blubber.

But She Has A Great Sense Of Humor.

These excuses betray the rotten logic of girthophobes.  Just because something is true doesn’t mean it should be said, if saying it means portraying an individual’s lifestyle choices as within his control.  Kelly is doing nothing more than blaming the individual for the situation in which he has put himself.

He Remains Curiously Unsympathetic To America's Obesity Epidemic.

The War On Fat is already lost.  The winners are the fast-food and processed food industries, who are in business for no other reason than to make money.  To flog their products, these companies stoop to advertising during children’s programming, and often include toys with their products.  These companies are perpetrating a modern Holocaust, preying on America’s inability to say NO.

Which is why the government will soon have to step in to provide the NO.  Once trans-fats, sodium, corn syrup and other dangerous additives have been removed from the American diet, the obesity epidemic should waste away like a North Korean peasant.  Until then, the disgustingly obese deserve to be treated with tolerance: they can’t help it.

Except For The Healthy Lifestyle Choices And The Hours Upon Hours In The Gym, Brad Pitt's Physique Is A Matter Of Pure Luck.

Is The End Of Polio In Sight?

03 Wednesday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in News, Science

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

childhood diseases, diseases, FDR, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, outbreaks, polio, polio not polo, polio vaccine, WHO, World Health Organization

By Smaktakula

No, "P-O-L-I-O."--We Didn't Mean To Get Your Hopes Up Like That, But One Crisis At A Time.

The World Health Organization announced recently that a new polio vaccine could soon eradicate the childhood scourge.  This is great news for people in countries afflicted by outbreaks of polio, but terrible news for the rest of the world, who believed the disease wiped out fifty years ago.

fdr.jpg fdr image by feralboy12

"Don't Be Such A Pussy About It. Polio Builds Character."

The Ongoing Doucheification Of Michael Jordan

02 Tuesday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Adolf Hitler, Air Jordan, assholes, Basketball Hall of Fame, championship, Charlotte Bobcats, Chicago Bulls, douchebaggery, gold digger, Harvest Leroy Smith, His Airness, Hitler mustache, incredibly talented assfaces, Karla Knafel, Kobe Bryant, Michael Jordan, MJ, NBA, Washington Wizards

By Smaktakula

Jordan Is Said To Be Growing Increasingly Comfortable With His Doucheiness.

Michael Jordan–at one time the most revered and respected man throughout the sporting world–is proving increasingly to be nothing more than a really tall asshole.

There were hints of it during his time in the NBA.  First there was Jordan’s short-lived retirement in which the basketball great unsuccessfully chased his baseball muse.  Following this were two comebacks, the first of which was highly successful, bringing another string of NBA Championships to Chicago.  Jordan’s final comeback, with the Washington Wizards, was ill-advised and legacy tarnishing.  But for a while, Jordan’s unearthly talent made it easy to overlook these things.

The Tongue Thing Grows Less Cute With Every Passing Day.

More recently, Jordan’s douche factor has leapt through the roof, thanks partially to the athlete’s tumultuous personal life.  Although Jordan and his wife divorced amicably in 2005, revelations quickly surfaced that Jordan had been maintaining an ongoing affair with gold digger and filer of an unsuccessful paternity suit, Karla Knafel.

Given That Jordan Could Have His Pick From Among The World's Great Beauties, Karla Knafel Is A Curious Choice.

A further low for Jordan was his 2009 Basketball Hall of Fame induction ceremony.  Jordan gave a rambling acceptance speech, lashing out at perceived enemies, and re-settling old scores.  Jordan’s biggest accomplishment of the evening was humiliating Leroy Smith, who managed to beat the future NBA great for a spot on the varsity basketball team back in high school.

Many observers saw pettiness as the reason Jordan was less than effusive in his praise of Kobe Bryant, who is considered a lock for the Hall of Fame.  Of Bryant, who has one less championship than his Airness,  Jordan said “If you are talking about guards, I would say he has got to be in the top 10.”

Jordan On Bryant: "He's Okay."

Jordan has always battled issues of character.  From gambling rumors to accusations of being a hands-off franchise owner, the cracks in Jordan’s reputation are beginning to show.

But perhaps the most glaring indication of Jordan’s irrevocable slide toward the douche side is his choice of a Hitler mustache.

"Wir Mussen Die Jazz Ausrotten!"

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WORD.

Adolf Hitler Afghanistan Africa anti-semitism bad parents Barack Obama Baseball bigotry Bill Clinton California Canada cannabis Celebrity Death Watch childish sexual innuendo China cocaine comical despots dope douchebaggery drugs famous for nothing fat people foolish choices fun with stereotypes gay people Germany gold digger grass headlines helpful hints hemp homosexuality hypocrisy impoverished third-world hellhole Iran Islam jackassery Japan Kim Jong-il LiLo Lindsay Lohan Los Angeles Dodgers marijuana Mexico Muammar al-Gaddafi mullets muslims North Korea outright lies places that suck pot racism reefer religious intolerance skankery skanks Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French Smaktakula's distrust of short people Smaktakula's hypocrisy can sometimes be astounding stupid people sweet sweet cheeba Tardsie's True-Ass Tales that trick never works the French this day in history treachery true meanings of holidays United Kingdom United States of America untalented stars weed Where Are They Now? Why am I so fat? Why am I so stupid? you got a real purty mouth

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