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Tag Archives: the Almighty

The Lord Not Quite Ready To Forgive Germany

08 Monday Aug 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, News

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

1972, anti-Kraut, anti-semitism, Belgium, dead German tourists, Final Solution, Florida, for reals we love the Germans, Germany, Germany's dark history, God, God hates the Germans, Holocaust, Jews, Krauts, Miami, Munich Olympics, the Almighty, United States of America

By Smaktakula

It's As If Suddenly God's Favor And Goodwill Went Up In A Cloud Of Smoke.

Back in the early 1990s, it seemed like German tourists in America couldn’t catch a break.  It’s hard to forget the spate of Miami slayings that had America’s German community on edge, and which prompted this publication to propose as a final solution to the crisis the immediate round-up of German nationals so that they could be sequestered for their own protection, and thereby gain a sort of freedom from their troubles through work.  Promethean Times’ calls went unheeded, and eventually the killings died down on their own.

It Can't Have Helped That God Was Watching The 1972 Olympics.

Although a hiatus in the killings was a relief to the governments of both the United States and Germany, the détente apparently proved a provocation for God Almighty.  It seems that Jehovah has recently chosen to singlehandedly renew the anti-Kraut campaign, smiting a German tourist with a bolt of lightning.

German Prices May Be Behind The Almighty's Wrath. According To One Witness, God Said Something About Germany Being "Hella Costy."

German advocacy groups were joined by religious leaders in expressing surprise and dismay at God’s decision to escalate hostilities.  It remains unclear just what the German people could have done that was so heinous as to earn the righteous and implacable enmity of the Lord of Lords.

…

Really?  You think He’s still mad about that?

Look, You Know He Has A Thing For Them.

Happy now, Belgium? ∞T.

Nothing Good Comes From Touching Yourself

21 Thursday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in News, Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

'self-abuse' isn't the same thing as 'cutting', choking the chicken, devil's handshake, Dixieland Jazz, Emil Haagerdäddi, flogging the dolphin, Genesis, God, Hurricane Katrina, jerking off, masturbation, Onan, onanism, porn, pr0n, San Francisco, scratching the weasel behind the ears, self-abuse, self-immolation, Sunday school, the Almighty

By Smaktakula

Back In The Day, The Worst Thing You Had To Worry About Was Going Blind.

Smaktakula’s long-ago Sunday school teacher was on to something–masturbation is a quick road to ruin.  A San Francisco man is fighting for his life after discovering the heartbreaking realities of the devil’s handshake.

The Lame Thing Is That Now It's Like Rubbing An Overcooked Tater Tot.

The  unidentified man apparently burst into flames while pleasuring himself at a local porn shop.  Details remain sketchy at this date, and authorities have yet to determine what precisely transformed the lonely degenerate into a human sparkler.  Two prominent theories have risen to the fore.

The first is based firmly in physics.  A sufficiently vigorous session of self-abuse, explains masturbation scientist Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi of the Reuben Spahnk Institute, could theoretically generate a heat sufficient to set human flesh ablaze.  Others call this notion absurd, pointing out that were such a phenomenon possible, most males would not survive beyond their junior high school years.

A far more likely culprit in the immolation is a wrathful God, Who has long held a position unfriendly to masturbation.  This anti-whacking injunction stretches all the way back to the 38th book of Genesis, where rather than impregnate his brother’s widow, a fellow named Onan takes matters into his own hands and “spills his seed upon the ground,” only to be struck dead by a decidedly unamused Deity.  To bolster their evidence, proponents of this theory claim that God has gained something of a reputation in recent years for an increasing activism, pointing to earlier incidents of vengeance such as the August 2005 episode which is widely believed to have resulted from the Almighty’s dissatisfaction with the current state of Dixieland Jazz.

San Francisco: It's Not Like They Haven't Been Warned.

Helpful Hints: Judgement Day

13 Monday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

afterlife, death, God, Heaven, Hell, helpful hints, Judgement Day, punishment, revenge, the Almighty, the Devil, wrath of God

By Smaktakula

Artist's Depiction: God's Actual Wrath May Vary.

When upon death your immortal soul is held in balance as you stand before the Almighty, it might be fun to say:

Who are you to play God, anyway?

Oh, right!  My bad.

He’ll probably get a big kick out of it.  No, it won’t do anything save your wretched, hellbound soul, but at least you’ll have a story to tell the Devil.

"Yeah, You're One Witty Guy. How About A Ten-Year Stretch In Studio Macarena, Funnyman?"

Hey, Macarena!

Happy Thoughts For Friday: Dee-Vine Justice

19 Friday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Divine Justice, douchebaggery, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, God, God Hates Fags, happy thoughts, homophobia, judge not lest ye be judged, Judgement Day, religious intolerance, retribution, Reverend Fred Phelps, Sugartits, that asshole who demonstrates at the funerals of soldiers, the Almighty, Westboro Baptist Church

By Smaktakula

When notoriously unfriendly douchebag Reverend Fred Phelps finally shuffles off this mortal coil and meets the Almighty, wouldn’t it be super if He looked like this?

"I Hate WHAT? Oh No. Oh No You Di'nt. Oh No, Girlfriend--You Did NOT Just Say That!"

Hey now, Sugartits–you ever play a game called ‘Where’s the serpent?’

Does God Exist?

08 Monday Nov 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Religion

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

burning bush, cultural cockroach, God, gold digger, higher power, I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER?, John Lennon, Lolcats, Lotrimin, Mark David Chapman, meal ticket, performance artists, proving the existence of God, the Almighty, the woman who destroyed the Beatles, Tokyo, untalented stars, Why God? Why?, Yoko Ono

By Smaktakula

The Revelatory Powers Of A Burning Bush Are Legendary. Fortunately, Lotrimin Produces An Ointment Which Will Help Soothe The Itching And Discomfort.

Such a fundamentally contentious issue as the existence of a higher power, despite that the question must be answerable by either a yes or no, is too complex to answer neatly in a few short paragraphs, and frankly, more than a little beyond our intellectual safety zone.

Promethean Times is always eager to let our readers do the intellectual hard work.  Leaving the question in your capable hands, we present a single piece of evidence both for and against the existence of the Almighty.

For: Lolcats.

He's Asking For A Cheeseburger, But It's Comically Misspelled! Could You Just Die?

Against: The continuing existence of Yoko Ono.

Tenaciously Managing To Survive Both The Firebombing Of Tokyo And Mark David Chapman's Point-Blank Slaying Of Her Meal-Ticket Husband, This Shrieking Cultural Cockroach Will Outlive Us All.

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