On which nefarious Belgian nastyman Saddam Hussein kicks America in the nuts by singlehandedly bringing down the Twin Towers.
Arizona, California, Canada, Colorado, further instances of Canadian perfidy, Great Britain, James Knox Polk, Let us help!, manifest destiny, Mexico, muchas gracias, Nevada, one-termer by choice, one-termers, outright lies, Saddam Hussein, Saddam totally did it, Santa Anna, Somalia, Texas, there's a NEW Mexico?, treachery, United Kingdom, United States of America, Utah
You’ve probably heard more than once that there’s no such thing as a ‘good’ war. The sentiment driving this notion is noble, and easy enough to understand: it’s hard to take any joy from a victory when even one life has been needlessly cut short. Moreover, there is also the sad legacy of war’s victims who survive the conflict only to return to shattered, empty lives.
World War II is sometimes considered a ‘good war’ in that it very literally halted the extinction of an entire people. This view necessarily tends to discount the ugly reality that the war cost the lives of just as many people and a great deal more, but was more egalitarian in that it distributed the horrors among a variety of nations. Others consider the US’s ill-fated War of 1812 among this select group of noble atrocities, because the dream of liberating Canada from her tyrannical British masters was a righteous and Heaven-sanctioned one, despite the ingratitude and surprising unhelpfulness of the Canadian people.¹
But the little known Mexican-American War is something everyone can get behind. Having recently acquired the Independent Republic of Texas, the United States under President James Knox Polk was looking for a little more real estate. Polk had long prized such material assets as the Napa Wine Country, Camp Pendleton Marine Base and California Adventures, so America’s 11th President–and by any estimate its most effective One-Termer–set his sights on wresting the Golden State from Mexico.²
Polk was initially stymied in his efforts by that age-old bugbear of democratic republics, the notion that you can’t just go starting a war for no reason. But when it was determined that Mexico’s General Antonio López de Santa Anna (an early forerunner of future bad-guy, Adolf Hitler) was stockpiling Weapons of Mass Destruction (WMD) in the Sonora Desert, America was left with little choice but to act.
Although no WMD were ever found, the story did end happily, with the Mexicans chased all the way to Tijuana by the victorious gringos, and the Stars & Stripes lofted over the golden, rolling hills of California. However, it has so often been said that ‘a lawn does not cut itself,’ and like the storied swallows of Capistrano, in a final righting of history, the descendants of those long-ago Californios have since returned to California, bringing with them a great many friends whose ancestors had previously never been north of Michoacan.
'Lil 'Lil Kim, 'Lil Kim, California, comical despots, Compton, Ding Dong the Dick is Dead!, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-un, liquor stores, Muammar al-Gaddafi, North Korea, Saddam Hussein, So Ronery, South Korea, Witness Relocation Program
Kim Jong-il, the once-feared despot of blighted hellhole North Korea, is said to be transitioning easily into his new life as a Compton, California liquor store owner. Although the blue-collar life might seem like a comedown from the palatial existence previously enjoyed by the tiny madman, ‘Lil Kim claims to be very happy.
“Rife is so much easier now. I got none of the probrems of running rearry big and important country,” says the diminutive ex-despot, referring to the asswipe country he inherited from his own father and ran further into the ground. He has high hopes for the prospects of his youngest son, Kim Jong-un, who has taken over the reins of state in his stead. “My boy, ‘Ril ‘Ril Kim, gonna fuck South Korea up good!”
Although ‘Lil Kim isn’t at liberty to discuss the matter, it is believed he is joined in his exile by several other former world leaders. “Yeah, I see some famiriar faces–let’s put it that way. At reast I’m not . . . so ronery any more.”
9/11, al Qaeda, anti-semitism, Axis of Evil, comical despots, George W. Bush, Holocaust, inside job, Iran, Israel, jealousy, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is batshit crazy, Pearl Harbor, places that suck, Saddam Hussein, Saddam totally did it, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, The Great Satan, Twin Towers, United States of America, Yakov Smirnoff
Tiny nutjob Mahmoud Ahmadinejad can always be counted on to publicly propound a plethora of preposterous political theories and irresponsible historical revisionism. Over the years, Iran’s pint-sized potentate has kept his many apologists busy explaining away such bellicose assertions as “Israel must be wiped off the map,” and tired claims that the Holocaust is a Jewish fiction. Ahmadinejad’s statements regarding the events of September 11th, 2001, the catalyst for the United States’ War on Terror, have left his defenders scrambling, and have unexpectedly invited criticism from within the Axis of Evil.
Like so many others before him, Ahmadinejad likes to make hay with the idea that the horrific events of September 11th, 2001 were an inside job. This theory has gained some traction among the mouth-breathing element of the population, embarrassingly eager to believe George W. Bush the evil genius behind the sinister machinations. Promethean Times has long asserted that the actual culprit behind the Twin Tower Attacks was the nefarious Saddam Hussein.
Jewish groups have long met with opprobrium Ahmadinejad’s anti-Semitic rants and repeated calls for the destruction of Israel, but now factions within the Islamofascist community have begun to chafe under Ahmadinejad’s comments. It seems that the boys in al Qaeda–Ahmadinejad’s erstwhile allies in despising anything Western or fun–have a bone to pick with the pint-sized Persian.
The feared international terrorist organization has grown weary of Ahmadinejad’s constantly blaming the United States for the events of 9/11. Al Qaeda wants to make it very clear, that they–and not a sinister cabal within the United States–planned and executed the tragedy. Al Qaeda claims that the Iranian president–who most observers agree would piss himself to inflict upon the Great Satan just a tenth of what al Qaeda was able to achieve– is deliberately misattributing their historic actions to an internal American plot for no reason other than simple jealousy.
'Lil Kim, Alexander the Great, Angela Merkel, because he declared himself King of Scotland. Get it now?, Benazir Bhutto, Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, Bono, Chairman Mao, ChocoFührer, dictafro, Evo Morales, Fugeeman, Golda Meir, Hillary Clinton, Idi Amin Dada, Imelda Marcos, Indira Gandhi, John Holmes, Julius Caesar, Kim Jong-il, Manuel Noriega, Mao Zedong, Marlon Brando, Muammar al-Gaddafi, mulletards, Napoleon Bonaparte, Pyongyang, Richard M. Nixon, Robert Mugabe, Ronald Reagan, Saddam Hussein, Silvio Berlusconi, Ted Kaczynski, Wyclef Jean, you can't tell us that 'Pyongyang' doesn't sound like a filthy word to you
The individual hairstyles of powerful men and women are as unique as fingerprints. Observe:
9/11, al Qaeda, Axis of Evil, Fox news, George W. Bush, Iraq, Islam, muslims, New York, Osama bin Laden, patsies, Saddam Hussein, Saddam totally did it, Salacious Crumb, Terrorism, terrorists, this day in history, Twin Towers, United States of America, WMDs, World Trade Center
On which the nefarious Saddam Hussein succeeds in destroying the Twin Towers.
BET, Bolivarian Revolution, comical despots, elections, Fugeefoe, Fugeeman, Haiti, Haiti apparently not just a shoot-'em-up free-for-all, hip-hop, hip-hop jihadists, Hugo Chavez, impoverished third-world backwater, Michel Martelly, MTV, Pras, provisional election council, Saddam Hussein, Sean Penn, strongman, Sweet Micky, Venezuela, voodoo dolls, Wyclef Jean, zombies
Powerful interests have turned on Wyclef “Fugeeman” Jean in an effort to scuttle the hip-hop star’s bid to become president of his native Haiti. Only a few weeks ago, when Fugeeman threw his braids into the ring, it seemed the musician-turned-statesman was certain to claim Haiti’s presidency, and at least make a passable effort at saving the doomed nation before looting its increasingly dry coffers.
It may never come to pass: Haiti’s provisional election council has ruled that Jean is ineligible for the presidency since he has lived outside of Haiti during the last five years. That Haiti has a governing body able to make such decisions will no doubt come as a shock to many observers, who reasonably assumed the impoverished nation to be much like the Wild West, only with voodoo dolls and zombies.
Fugeeman vowed to carry on. But now there was blood in the water. The next betrayal came from an unexpected source–Fugeeman’s former bandmate, Pras. Pras signalled his betrayal with a metaphorical kiss on the cheek, saying that while he “loves Wyclef dearly,” he is supporting Michel “Sweet Micky” Martelly, citing both competence and a better nickname.
A more notable Fugeefoe is talented actor and high school graduate Sean Penn. Outside of his many fine performances on the big screen, Penn is perhaps best known for cozying up to undemocratic dictators like Saddam Hussein and Penn’s pal Hugo Chavez, as well as for talking a great deal on subjects of which he a limited understanding. Penn reportedly fears that Fugeeman will allow American companies to come into Haiti with their filthy, economy-reviving money. Presumably, Penn favors a Bolivarian type, like the coca-chawing Chavez. Although it is unclear that Chavez’ successes in Venezuela could be replicated in Haiti, as there are no opposition television stations to shut down. Furthermore, in Haiti the idea of a strongman abolishing the constitution and becoming dictator for life is old hat.
Perhaps Fugeeman’s only misstep in his campaign has been when he referred to his “Rastafarian heritage.” When a reporter responded that Rastafarianism was more commonly associated with Jamaica, Fugeeman patiently replied, “Haiti. I’m from Haiti.”
Despite his obvious qualifications and overall grooviness, an unseen cadre has so far been successful in thwarting Jean’s historic bid. However, Fugeeman is reportedly already preparing for this eventuality. He is said to be quietly assembling an army of hip-hop jihadists, and a flotilla of speedboats. No one wants to avoid bloodshed more than the peace-professing musician. But Fugeefoes beware: a coup sponsored by MTV and BET is hardly the worst career move Wyclef Jean could make.