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Tag Archives: Hugo Chavez

Third-World Hellholes More Fun Than Disneyland

24 Friday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

'Lil Jim, 'Lil Kim, abundance, arbitrary ratings, China, Cuba, Dr. Earl Wickenburg, happiness, Hugo Chavez, impoverished third-world hellhole, Iran, Kim Jong-il, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, North Korea, places that suck, so happy, So Ronery, statistics, tyranny, United States of America, Venezuela

By Smaktakula

Not The Vague Cop-Out It May At First Appear To Be.

The International Happiness rankings are in, and the news is not good for the United States.  In a humiliating reversal of expectations that stunned all but a few of the world’s nations, the first-world nation and so-called ‘last remaining superpower’  finds itself dead last in the rankings.  Making matters worse, it appears that happiness quotients in the United States were too low to be accurately measured by the comprehensive survey, resulting in no score at all.

America: It Turns Out That The Absence Of Fear, Want And Tyranny Can Leave You Pretty Bummed.

Faring the best at number 1 was the People’s Republic of China.  Rounding out the top five were such Shangri-las as North Korea (2), Cuba (3), Iran (4) and Venezuela (5).  Although to varying degrees these nations had been thought shitholes (particularly #s 2 & 3), it’s now believed that the authoritarian (and in some cases totalitarian) governments in these top-five governments actually aid happiness by removing many of the daily life-choices that can contribute to unhappiness.

Each Culture Is Unique, And Thus Will Express Delight In Differing Ways.

The survey was conducted by pollsters in North Korea, who were no doubt glad to have the work as a distraction from the constant gnawing of hunger in their distended bellies.  The polling agency that completed the survey assured various watchdog groups that it employed a highly-subjective and ever-changing set of criteria on which to base its findings.

We Agree--These Folks Really Know How To Live.

America’s poor showing in this wholly unbiased study has caused concern throughout the formerly great nation.  Scientists such as Dr. Earl Wickenburg of the Bahl-Tikkler Institute blame ‘Plethoritis’–literally the bounty of choices Americans face every day in employment, eating, healthcare and travel–for the US ennui.   “Americans think they’re happy,” says Wickenburg, ‘But they’re not ‘Venezuela Happy.'”

The 4th And 5th Place Winners In The Happy Derby Congratulate One Another, And Look Forward To A Spirited Competition Next Year. "Look Out, Cuba!" Ahmadinejad jokes.

Not everybody is surprised by this.  “I totarry saw this coming,” says one high-placed observer, who asked that we call him only by the alias ‘Lil Jim, “Americans think they’re happy, but rearry–they’re so ronery.”

''Lil Jim' Says That America's Endemic Unhappiness Is The Big Secret Nobody Talks About.

However, if the world economy continues to sour, experts believe that the United States has a chance to improve its dismal status in the rankings.  “If the nation can get back to its lean, mean fighting weight of the Great Depression,” Wickenburg says, “America can usher in a new age of ‘do-without’ greatness.'”  According to Wickenburg’s calculations, an indicator of America’s growing happiness will be the complete stanching of northward immigration across the US’s southern border, coupled with the heretofore-unobserved phenomenon of a southward flow into Mexico.

Community Is One Secret To North Korea's Happiness. Here, North Korean Elites Gather For An Ultra-Swanky "Food" Party.

Libya: Who’s To Blame?

25 Friday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, News, Politics

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A Few Good Men, Code Red, despots, Fidel Castro, Hugo Chavez, Libya, Lindbergh Baby, Lindbergh Kidnapping, Muammar al-Gaddafi, Muammar al-Gaddafi executed, New Coke, Osama bin Laden, Osama totally did it, revolution

By Smaktakula

Soon-to-be-deposed-and-executed despot Col. Muammar al-Gaddafi knows who’s behind the wave of bloody turmoil racing through Libya–This guy:

Also Kidnapped The Lindbergh Baby And Greenlighted New Coke. And Did He Order The Code Red? You're Goddamn Right He Did!

We knew it!

Castro and Chavez have a theory about this, too.  ∞T.

Sinister Forces Align Against Fugeeman

01 Wednesday Sep 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, History, News, Politics

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Tags

BET, Bolivarian Revolution, comical despots, elections, Fugeefoe, Fugeeman, Haiti, Haiti apparently not just a shoot-'em-up free-for-all, hip-hop, hip-hop jihadists, Hugo Chavez, impoverished third-world backwater, Michel Martelly, MTV, Pras, provisional election council, Saddam Hussein, Sean Penn, strongman, Sweet Micky, Venezuela, voodoo dolls, Wyclef Jean, zombies

By Smaktakula

Powerful interests have turned on Wyclef “Fugeeman” Jean in an effort to scuttle the hip-hop star’s bid to become president of his native Haiti.  Only a few weeks ago, when Fugeeman threw his braids into the ring, it seemed the musician-turned-statesman was certain to claim Haiti’s presidency, and at least make a passable effort at saving the doomed nation before looting its increasingly dry coffers.

Fugeeman: His Ascension To The Presidency Would Bump Voodoo Down To #2 On The List Of Things People Know About Haiti.

It may never come to pass: Haiti’s provisional election council has ruled that Jean is ineligible for the presidency since he has lived outside of Haiti during the last five years.  That Haiti has a governing body able to make such decisions will no doubt come as a shock to many observers, who reasonably assumed the impoverished nation to be much like the Wild West, only with voodoo dolls and zombies.

Fugeeman vowed to carry on.  But now there was blood in the water.  The next betrayal came from an unexpected source–Fugeeman’s former bandmate, Pras.  Pras signalled his betrayal with a metaphorical kiss on the cheek, saying that while he “loves Wyclef dearly,” he is supporting Michel “Sweet Micky” Martelly, citing both competence and a better nickname.

Sweet Micky Doesn't Want You To Be Swayed By Shitty Production Values.

A more notable Fugeefoe is talented actor and high school graduate Sean Penn.  Outside of his many fine performances on the big screen, Penn is perhaps best known for cozying up to undemocratic dictators like Saddam Hussein and Penn’s pal Hugo Chavez, as well as for talking a great deal on subjects of which he a limited understanding.  Penn reportedly fears that Fugeeman will allow American companies to come into Haiti with their filthy, economy-reviving money.  Presumably, Penn favors a Bolivarian type, like the coca-chawing Chavez.  Although it is unclear that Chavez’ successes in Venezuela could be replicated in Haiti, as there are no opposition television stations to shut down.  Furthermore, in Haiti the idea of a strongman abolishing the constitution and becoming dictator for life is old hat.

Sean Doesn't Understand Much Of What His BFF Is Saying, But He Nods And Smiles To Be Polite.

Perhaps Fugeeman’s only misstep in his campaign  has been when he referred to his “Rastafarian heritage.”  When a reporter responded that Rastafarianism was more commonly associated with Jamaica, Fugeeman patiently replied, “Haiti.  I’m from Haiti.”

Wyclef's Love Song To Haiti: "Bitch Better Have My Money."

Despite his obvious qualifications and overall grooviness, an unseen cadre has so far been successful in thwarting Jean’s historic bid.  However, Fugeeman is reportedly already preparing for this eventuality.  He is said to be quietly assembling an army of hip-hop jihadists,  and a flotilla of speedboats.  No one wants to avoid bloodshed more than the peace-professing musician.  But Fugeefoes beware: a coup sponsored by MTV and BET is hardly the worst career move Wyclef Jean could make.

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