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Tag Archives: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Al Qaeda: Surprisingly Sensitive

25 Tuesday Oct 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, History, News, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

9/11, al Qaeda, anti-semitism, Axis of Evil, comical despots, George W. Bush, Holocaust, inside job, Iran, Israel, jealousy, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is batshit crazy, Pearl Harbor, places that suck, Saddam Hussein, Saddam totally did it, Smaktakula's distrust of short people, The Great Satan, Twin Towers, United States of America, Yakov Smirnoff

By Smaktakula

Ahmadinejad Resembles Comedian Yakov Smirnoff, But The Similarities End There: The Iranian President Is Actually Quite Funny.

Tiny nutjob Mahmoud Ahmadinejad can always be counted on to publicly propound a plethora of preposterous political theories and irresponsible historical revisionism.  Over the years, Iran’s pint-sized potentate has kept his many apologists busy explaining away such bellicose assertions as “Israel must be wiped off the map,” and tired claims that the Holocaust is a Jewish fiction. Ahmadinejad’s statements regarding the events of September 11th, 2001, the catalyst for the United States’ War on Terror, have left his defenders scrambling, and have unexpectedly invited criticism from within the Axis of Evil.

Like so many others before him, Ahmadinejad likes to make hay with the idea that the horrific events of September 11th, 2001 were an inside job.  This theory has gained some traction among the mouth-breathing element of the population, embarrassingly eager to believe George W. Bush the evil genius behind the sinister machinations.  Promethean Times has long asserted that the actual culprit behind the Twin Tower Attacks was the nefarious Saddam Hussein.

Sooner Or Later, Everything Turns Out To Be An Inside Job.

Jewish groups have long met with opprobrium Ahmadinejad’s anti-Semitic rants and repeated calls for the destruction of Israel, but now factions within the Islamofascist community have begun to chafe under Ahmadinejad’s comments.  It seems that the boys in al Qaeda–Ahmadinejad’s erstwhile allies in despising anything Western or fun–have a bone to pick with the pint-sized Persian.

The feared international terrorist organization has grown weary of Ahmadinejad’s constantly blaming the United States for the events of 9/11.  Al Qaeda wants to make it very clear, that they–and not a sinister cabal within the United States–planned and executed the tragedy.  Al Qaeda claims that the Iranian president–who most observers agree would piss himself to inflict upon the Great Satan just a tenth of what al Qaeda was able to achieve– is deliberately misattributing their historic actions to an internal American plot for no reason other than simple jealousy.

Let's Give Credit Where Credit Is Due.

Third-World Hellholes More Fun Than Disneyland

24 Friday Jun 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, News, Politics

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

'Lil Jim, 'Lil Kim, abundance, arbitrary ratings, China, Cuba, Dr. Earl Wickenburg, happiness, Hugo Chavez, impoverished third-world hellhole, Iran, Kim Jong-il, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, North Korea, places that suck, so happy, So Ronery, statistics, tyranny, United States of America, Venezuela

By Smaktakula

Not The Vague Cop-Out It May At First Appear To Be.

The International Happiness rankings are in, and the news is not good for the United States.  In a humiliating reversal of expectations that stunned all but a few of the world’s nations, the first-world nation and so-called ‘last remaining superpower’  finds itself dead last in the rankings.  Making matters worse, it appears that happiness quotients in the United States were too low to be accurately measured by the comprehensive survey, resulting in no score at all.

America: It Turns Out That The Absence Of Fear, Want And Tyranny Can Leave You Pretty Bummed.

Faring the best at number 1 was the People’s Republic of China.  Rounding out the top five were such Shangri-las as North Korea (2), Cuba (3), Iran (4) and Venezuela (5).  Although to varying degrees these nations had been thought shitholes (particularly #s 2 & 3), it’s now believed that the authoritarian (and in some cases totalitarian) governments in these top-five governments actually aid happiness by removing many of the daily life-choices that can contribute to unhappiness.

Each Culture Is Unique, And Thus Will Express Delight In Differing Ways.

The survey was conducted by pollsters in North Korea, who were no doubt glad to have the work as a distraction from the constant gnawing of hunger in their distended bellies.  The polling agency that completed the survey assured various watchdog groups that it employed a highly-subjective and ever-changing set of criteria on which to base its findings.

We Agree--These Folks Really Know How To Live.

America’s poor showing in this wholly unbiased study has caused concern throughout the formerly great nation.  Scientists such as Dr. Earl Wickenburg of the Bahl-Tikkler Institute blame ‘Plethoritis’–literally the bounty of choices Americans face every day in employment, eating, healthcare and travel–for the US ennui.   “Americans think they’re happy,” says Wickenburg, ‘But they’re not ‘Venezuela Happy.'”

The 4th And 5th Place Winners In The Happy Derby Congratulate One Another, And Look Forward To A Spirited Competition Next Year. "Look Out, Cuba!" Ahmadinejad jokes.

Not everybody is surprised by this.  “I totarry saw this coming,” says one high-placed observer, who asked that we call him only by the alias ‘Lil Jim, “Americans think they’re happy, but rearry–they’re so ronery.”

''Lil Jim' Says That America's Endemic Unhappiness Is The Big Secret Nobody Talks About.

However, if the world economy continues to sour, experts believe that the United States has a chance to improve its dismal status in the rankings.  “If the nation can get back to its lean, mean fighting weight of the Great Depression,” Wickenburg says, “America can usher in a new age of ‘do-without’ greatness.'”  According to Wickenburg’s calculations, an indicator of America’s growing happiness will be the complete stanching of northward immigration across the US’s southern border, coupled with the heretofore-unobserved phenomenon of a southward flow into Mexico.

Community Is One Secret To North Korea's Happiness. Here, North Korean Elites Gather For An Ultra-Swanky "Food" Party.

Promethean Times’ 2010 Person Of The Year: Us

31 Friday Dec 2010

Posted by tardsie in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, Culture, History, News, Politics, Religion, Sport

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

'Lil Kim, 2010, 2011, Abner Doubleday should sue the hell out of the guy who 'invented' cricket, Africa, American soldiers, Axis of Evil, Barack Obama, bellicose shenanigans, Bernie Madoff, BP, Bradley Manning, Bush the intellectuable, Chief Executive, comical despots, Conan O'Brien, congress, conventional wisdom, copyright infringement, corporate douchebaggery, cricket, Democratic Party, effete Mac users, Elizabeth Edwards, Face & Boobs man, feel-good policies, figurative fellatio, Franklin Pierce, Fugeeman, games foreigners play, genocide, George W. Bush, GOP, Haiti, Haitian Crisis, Haitian Earthquake, Hitler of Major League Baseball, How very original!, hucksterism, impoverished third-world hellhole, Iran, Jay Leno, John Edwards, Julian Assange, Kim Jong-il is batshit crazy, leeches, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is batshit crazy, Martha Stewart Living, Michael Lohan, MiLo, Miss You Mom, modern classics, Mood the Dude, mullets, Nanci Pelosi, nanny state, North Korea, Osama bin Laden, Osama's crazed legions, Pat Robertson, Pat Robertson is batshit crazy, People Magazine, personal magnetism, Pierce was known more for drink than for effective leadership, poor Elizabeth Edwards--she was so brave and she suffered so much, popular culture, President Bush, President Obama, Promethean Times, Promethean Times' Person of the Year, religious right, Republican Party, retcons, rumor has it that the vote for Person of the Year was fixed, San Francisco Giants, San Mateo, Sarah Palin, Smaktakula's hatred of the San Francisco Giants, special-needs children, Spiro Agnew, Sports Illustrated, step your game up, Steve Jobs, Tea Party, terrifying Campfire Girl, Texas Rangers, the canonization of St. Elizabeth, the cult-like devotion accorded to Steve Jobs by effete Mac users, the Devil, the impotence of the UN, the increasing irrelevance of TIME, the UN's maddening inaction in the face of genocide, theogeologist, Tim Lincecum, Time, TIME allows pedestrian intellects to believe they are otherwise, TIME's Person of the Year, Tony Hayward, tradition, Transformers I and II, treachery, UN, United Nations, United States of America, WikiLeaks, Wyclef Jean, yes theogeologist is another coinage but like grammaverick you've gotta admit it kicks ass

By Promethean Times

Conventional wisdom warns that TIME‘s annual Person of the Year award is so iconic as to render superfluous any imitations.  However, as it has so many times before, Promethean Times eschews the expected by boldly forging a new path, in this instance by appropriating TIME‘s 80-year-old tradition.

Did You Know? TIME Was Once Known For Journalism, And Was Considered More Newsworthy Than Its Current Contemporaries, People Magazine And Martha Stewart Living.

The decision to bestow Promethean Times with this highly coveted accolade did not come easily.  A great many individuals and events helped to make 2010 one of the most dynamic years on record.

There was Julian Assange of WikiLeaks, and traitorous American soldier Bradley Manning, who assisted in the appropriation of several documents.  There was BP’s disgraced Tony Hayward, whose reputation in tatters, has only his fabulous wealth to console him, and Bernie Madoff, although convicted in 2009, still managed to keep his name in circulation.

US President Barack Obama rammed through feel-good policies to be billed to posterity and the people loved him for it.  The press, however, seemed to recover from their embarrassing love affair with the Chief Executive, quixotically alternating hot and cold by one day proclaiming the President a lame duck, and the next heralding him as the greatest president since Franklin Pierce.

One Of These Kids Is More Popular Than The Other.

Much as a leech would, Congress eagerly clung to the President’s agenda, but lacking the President’s (or any, largely) personal magnetism, found itself the victim of what the press liked to call “an anti-incumbent agenda.”  Former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi realized too late that a sunny smile does little good when it’s the handiwork of San Mateo’s finest Face & Boobs man.

Then there was the Tea Party to consider.  The completely leaderless grassroots organization, headed by terrifying Campfire Girl Sarah Palin and funded by deep-pocketed partisans, managed to drive the few remaining moderate Republicans from the GOP.  This end was aided by the Republicans’ skill at figuratively fellating the Religious Right, although the Democrats made a game and creditable attempt at it.

Pretty-like-the-prom-queen huckster John Edwards imploded earlier this year, terrifyingly reminding people ignorant of Spiro Agnew that America came “this close” to electing a scumbag as vice-president.  Edwards’ estranged wife Elizabeth, long regarded as a dismissive, cold-hearted bitch, received secular canonization upon her recent death, and has been retconned into a nurturing, saintly person.  She got cheated on and she died?  Tsk.  You will be missed, Elizabeth.

Finally! Someone Faced A Debilitating Illness With Courage And Dignity. Don't You Wish Elizabeth Had Been Your Mom?

Former President George Bush was also considered for Person of the Year due to his lasting influence on the country, and on the Democratic Party in particular.  Until the weeks preceding the November elections, Democrats were so enamored of the former Republican Chief Executive that the words ‘George W. Bush’ comprised 25-35% of the typical Democratic fundraising speech.

Fugeeman responded to the Haitian earthquake with the aplomb and statesmanship one would expect from a Caribbean head of state; he announced a presidential bid which then unceremoniously petered out.  We also gave some thought to the Devil, who many experts, including noted theogeologist Pat Robertson, believe to be the ultimate author of the devastating Haitian Quake.  The UN deserved some consideration as well, despite that the global organization’s response to the Haitian Crisis was characteristically bungled and that it continues to counter both African genocide and rogue nuclear states with the twin forces of hand-wringing coupled with laughably empty threats.

The Machinations Of This Evil Genius Bedevil Us Still.

We considered several despots, including the scrappy madman Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran, who holds in equal contempt mullets and the Jews, and the comically diminutive Kim Jong-il, North Korea’s dying tyrant, who continues to terrify an impotent international community with his bellicose shenanigans, and who elevated his special-needs son to the #2 spot in the impoverished third-world hellhole.  And although he had a comparatively mellow 2010, ‘Lil Kim and Mood the Dude’s Axis of Evil amigo, Osama bin Laden, quietly exerted his pernicious influence on his legions of crazed followers.

Pop culture had its share of earth-shakers.  It was hard to overlook Josh Duhamel, whose masterful performance in the universally-beloved modern classic Transformers I and II shattered expectations about what movie-goers could expect from an infantile two-hour commercial.  At the same time an inane late-night war between TV icons Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien diverted the attentions of a grateful nation in the same way as does a bright piece of string or a shiny object.  And somewhere, Steve Jobs did something that made effete Mac users cream their shorts.

Is This The World You Want For Your Children?

In sporting news, the San Francisco Giants, called the ‘Hitler of Major League Baseball’ by at least one satiric internet source, won the World Series over the nearly-as-odious Texas Rangers.  Also, there was some scandal in cricket–it’s a game copied from baseball, apparently–that stoked the ire of millions across the globe, but was otherwise unimportant.

Taking all these people and events into account, we worked tirelessly to determine the single most transformational factor in 2010.  In the end, we were unanimous on our selection of Promethean Times as Promethean Times‘ Person of the Year, citing Promethean Times‘ ongoing benefit to the global community as well as its consistent awesomeness.  Promethean Times is “extremely surprised, but pleased” by the announcement.

And for Promethean Times‘ Douchebag of the Year: Michael “MiLo” Lohan. What the hell, right?

His Infernal Majesty Assures Us That In 2011, He'll Step His Game Up.

Happy 2011, everybody!

Why Up-Down Sites Like reddit Are Awesome!

13 Wednesday Oct 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

'Lil 'Lil Kim, Brilliant Comrade, brilliant dirty weirdos, China, dateless cyberninjas, dictators, dictatorship of the masses, Dr. Doom, Dr. Grigori Perelman, Face!, General Secretary of the Communist Party, Hu Jintao, Iran, Kim Jong-un, Latveria, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, North Korea, Pat Robertson, Pat Robertson is batshit crazy, popular culture, reddit, repression of dissent, repressive regimes, Russia, Smaktakula's troubling insecurity, vote down, vote up

By Smaktakula

Somebody Else reddit So You Don't Have To. You're Welcome.

By voting up what is good and down those things which are not, you can ensure that only quality content finds its way to the masses, burying those weird notions and unpleasant ideas to which no right-thinking person would ever want to expose himself.

"I Know! It's Totally Great!"

"I Vote Down What I D-D-Don't Understand."

"Why Must You Pester, Dr. Grigori? You Know I Only Live For Mathematics.

"We Regard This Idea As Swollen With Truth And Sticky Goodness."

"We Employ A Similar System With Our News Media. The Big Difference Is That Instead Of "Voting You Up," You Are Allowed To Live. Otherwise They're Pretty Much The Same."

"Feel The Wrath Of Doom As I And My Techno-Posse Of Dateless Cyberninjas Silence You With Our Keyboards. FACE!"

"Because There Are Some Things Which Should Not Be Discussed. Unless You Want God To Destroy Your City Through A Natural Disaster. What? I'm Just Sayin'."

We Ache For Your Approval.

Mullah v. Mullet

09 Friday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Culture, General Foolishness, Human Rights, Humor, Islam, Middle East, Religion, World Affairs

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

anti-Israel policy, anti-semitism, business up front, David Beckham, Emil Haagerdäddi, fashion police, fauxhawks, Iran, Iranian National Soccer Team, Jews, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, mullahcracy, mullahs, mulletards, mulletocracy, mullets, odious hairstyles, party in the back, religious fanatacism, religious intolerance, soccer mullets, that trick never works, The Achy-Breaky, thuggish jackbootery, wacky mullahs

Taking a momentary respite from its real mission (an ill-defined cocktail consisting mostly of breathlessly awaiting the advent of the New Caliphate and hating the Jews), the Iranian Mullahcracy has struck a blow in the war against bad taste.  Iran has banned the mullet and other offensive Western hairstyles.

"Seriously, You Guys Should Be Thanking Me That Someone Finally Had The Courage To Say, 'Hey, You Look Like An Asshole With That Haircut.' I Mean, Geez, I Wouldn't Wish That Rat's Nest On A Filthy Jew."

Wali bin Gud, Iranian Minister of Enlightenment and Cultural Decency, had this to say:

“It is incorrect to say that we have banned offensive Western hairstyles.  Rather, as in the case of the mullet and fauxhawk, two particularly odious hairstyles, we have banned offensive hairstyles which happen to be Western.”

Some observers  were surprised to see Iran working toward the common good.  However, Professor Emil Haagerdäddi, a senior fellow at World Think Center For World Thought, says that Iran is not as altruistic as they might appear.

“You have to remember that everybody must do their thing,”  explains the learned academian, “Get their freak on, as it were.  In this way, national bodies are no different than individuals.   Iran’s thing is, and always has been, repression.  Aside from swap-meet style rugs, thuggish jackbootery is perhaps their best-known national product.”

Festering To Bring About The Mulletocracy By Any Means Necessary, Y’All.

Reaction to the mullet ban has not been universally positive.  FIFA called it “Repression of the cruelest kind.  When you strip a man of his mullet, you strip him also of his very soul.”

Look At This Picture: How Can Hating This Douche Be Wrong?

The Iranian National Soccer Team was said to be particularly disconsolate.

Can You Do Something About Comb-Overs?  Iran bans the mullet | World news | The Guardian.

Smaktakula

When Great-Grandma Is An Anti-Semite

08 Tuesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Culture, Middle East, National Events, National Politics, People, Political Correctness, Politics, Relationships, Scandal, World Affairs

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

ageism, anti-semitism, Arbeit Macht Frei, comical despots, First Amendment, free speech, Helen Thomas, hypocrisy, Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, nuclear ambitions, press corps, scapegoating, senile old bag, Wir mussen die Juden ausrotten!

Helen Thomas apologized for exercising her First Amendment rights, but she’s still out of a job.    

WIR MUSSEN DIE JUDEN AUSROTTEN!

Why is an idea deemed heinous when voiced by a single, senile old bag, but excused away when expressed by the leader of a country with nuclear ambitions?  

I'm Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, And I Approved This Message

It’s Not Free Speech, It’s Arbeit Macht Frei Speech: FOXNews.com – Helen Thomas Apologizes for Saying Jews Should ‘Get the Hell Out of Palestine’.    

Smaktakula

Ahmadinejad Is The Bomb

11 Thursday Feb 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Politics, Science, World Affairs

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

anti-semitism, enriched plutonium, fission, Iran, Israel, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, mutually assured destruction, nuclear war

By Smaktakula

Prickly Iranian president and great friend of America, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, is claiming that Iranian scientists have enriched plutonium to a fissionable level.  Hopefully the little dictator is talking out of his Ascot.

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