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Tag Archives: Anna Nicole Smith

For Reals: The Best of Promethean Times!

17 Friday Feb 2012

Posted by tardsie in Celebrity, Culture, News

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Anna Nicole Smith, Belgium, Bill Clinton, blond guys with dreads look like idiots, blond is beautiful motherfuckers!, blond people are stupid, double standards, dreadlocks, Emmanuel Lewis, freedom of speech, Gary Coleman, handicapped people, hypocrisy, Jimmy Carter, Kool-Aid Man, nasty blond dreadlocks, opossums, Osama bin Laden, punch lines, self-promotion so shameless that it borders on hucksterism, Why are blondes so stupid?

By the Promethean Times Editorial Staff

For The Best And Most Reliable News From The Four Corners Of The Globe, You Know Where To Look.

In which we present a few of  our favorite Promethean Times’ features. We hope you’ll enjoy as well. ∞ T.

Humor:

We Prefer Humor That Is Neither Hurtful Nor Degrading.

Our readers know that humor is near and dear to our hearts. In the following post, we provide the punch lines to our very favorite jokes. Straight lines not included.

  • Nothing But Punch Lines

The Big Issues:

Blondes: As Stupid As They Are Slutty.

In which we tackle the pressing social issues of freedom of speech and question the true nature of female beauty. We also discuss why blond people shouldn’t wear their hair in dreadlocks, and why their women are so dumb and slutty.

  • Alexandra Wallace: Ching-Chong Champion Of Tolerance
  • A Contemporary Helen of Troy
  • Something Must Be Done About Blond Guys With Dreadlocks
  • Platinum-Headed Hos

Nature:

This Is Nothing A Car Exhaust And A Length Of Hose Won't Cure.

We care deeply about the environment and the creatures who live within it.

  • Nobody Loves The Opossum
  • Puppy-Killing: Why We’re Against It

Culture:

Has Anyone Ever Stopped To Ask If Maybe They Had It Coming?

We spend a good deal of time talking about various places around the globe.  We think you’ll enjoy our report on those iniquitous Belgians.

  • Belgians: The World’s Most Evil People

People in Power:

Jimmy, Why Do You Hang Out With Him If He's Just Gonna Treat You Like That?

Like the rest of the world, we’re fascinated by powerful people. In these  gems, we explore the friendship between two former presidents, and examine the future King of England’s quest for true love.

  • Now You’re Just Being A Dick, Bill
  • Prince William: Who Will Be His Camilla Parker-Bowles?

Small Black Actors:

Small, Black & Formerly Famous. But The Similarities End There.

Tales of two diminutive former child stars: one a cursed, loveless misanthrope, the other a happy little man-whore.

  • Diff’rent Strokes Curse Remains With Work Undone
  • Emmanuel Lewis: The Antigary

The Evil Ones:

Ding, Dong The Dick Is Dead!

In which we take a hard look at the enemies of freedom.

  • Bin Laden: The Final Hours
  • Osama’s Pakistani Whack Shack

Fictional Characters:

His Blood Was An Unsweetened Raspberry-Watermelon. Even The Dogs Wouldn't Lap It Up.

It’s not just real people who get the Promethean Times treatment. Here we explore the tragic effect of violence upon the worlds of soft-drink advertising and children’s educational programming.

  • Commercial Icon Institutionalized After Bloody Rampage
  • Vicious Mauling Leaves Sesame Street Cast Member In Critical Condition

Marry Me, Stupid

26 Thursday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Anna Nicole Smith, cousin love, crackers, dead celebrities, Emil Haagerdäddi, incest, love, marriage, Maury Povich, normals, paternity tests, poor people, rednecks, rich people, sister-marryin', smart people, stupid people, white trash, Why am I so stupid?, you are not the father

By Smaktakula

The Whitaker-Whitaker Wedding Was The Biggest Shindig Taint Junction Had Seen In Living Memory. The Kids Gorged Themselves On Mayonnaise-Fried Ho-Hos, While The Adults Stood Around Drinking Turpentine From Dixie Cups.*

Throughout history, marriage has held a special place in human society.  It is one of the unique links that unites not just the different peoples of the world, but also every strata of society within individual cultures.  The rich marry, and so do the poor.  Matrimony is enjoyed by the intelligent, and by the very stupid, too.

Although the institution of marriage or some form of monogamy is nearly universal, there are vast gulfs in the way different cultures and subcultures perceive marriage.  In the West, by far the most interesting relationships are between the very dumb.  Virtually every aspect of these dimwitted relationships–the laughter, the crying, the acrimonious arguments at 2:00 AM on the front stoop–is fodder for a voyeuristic public.

Anna Nicole Was Dumb Enough To Go Down On A Microphone, And Yet She Too Found Love. Alas, It Hardly Matters As She's Dead Now.

A Florida couple, just starting out on love’s meth-addled journey, have provided fresh swill for the trough.  The unidentified man and his intended found a way to share with the whole town the good news of their retarded union.

Wanting to declare his love in writing, but rather than employ a method so prosaic as a note, the retarded Romeo spray-painted his proposal on the garage door of a Lehigh Acres home: ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME ALISON?’  The home was not his own.  Alison responded with a spray-painted affirmative.

The Mating Call Of The Red-Throated Methsucker.

“The choice of location is appropriate,” says Dr. Emil Haagerdäddi, chairman Emeritus of the University of Kentucky’s Department of Real American Studies and author of Crackers, Rednecks and Hicks: White Trash Culture in These United States.  “I surmise that the young man’s home–most likely his grandmother’s trailer–is in some way an unsuitable canvas for his purposes.”

Sometimes Temporary Unions Form In Which Only One Partner Is A Moron. In At Least One Instance, This Has Resulted In Teenage Mutant Ninja Herpes.

Unions between idiots are generally encouraged by society, as it keeps feeble genes within certain communities, and limits their introduction among the normals.  Haagerdäddi claims that these fears are overblown, since “These mouth-breathers often lack a chromosome or two, rendering them incapable of reproduction.  They’re essentially mules with opposable thumbs.”

The Doctor cautions, however, that “When they are able to breed, they breed like rabbits.”

The Maury Povich Show Is A Great Resource, Providing Paternity Tests The Unintelligent. We're Rooting For This Guy!

* Or as they’re called in those parts, ‘cups.’  ∞T.

Helping The Stupid. Gently.

23 Thursday Dec 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Stupidity

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Anna Nicole Smith, Cletus the slack-jawed yokel, dumb, fucking idiots, great ideas, halfwits, Heidi Montag, helpful hints, idiots, intelligent people, morons, most folks'll never lose a toe but then again some folks'll, mouth-breathing halfwits, patron saint of the very stupid, retarded, slackjawed halfwits, stupid people, superlatively stupid, United States, United States of America, Why am I so stupid?, yahoos

By Smaktakula

Stupidity Wasn't Invented In America, But Like So Many Other Things, We've Made It Uniquely Our Own.

Stupidity never seems to go out of style.  Our daily lives are inundated with such stupidity that fighting against it often is like trying to hold back a mighty ocean of  inanity.  But such has always been the lot of that societal minority whose IQ falls into the triple digits.  Promethean Times has always argued the responsibility the non-stupid segment of the population bears toward the great legions who are.  Sometimes the greatest kindness can be illustrating more fully the depths of an individual’s thickheadedness.

Some intelligent people have no compunctions about snatching the veil of ignorance from unseeing eyes.  Although their manner can be abrasive at times, these brave souls risk the opprobrium of yahoos to make the world a better place.  These days such revelations are likely to earn at worst a beating, but once upon a time that kind of talk could get you burned at the stake.

Others, more timid or introspective, have difficulty in apprising morons of their staggering and cretinous idiocy.  It is for these non-confrontational people that we offer an elegant solution to this problem.  By employing the Promethean Times Method, not only is it possible bring the shithead to a painful–but ultimately healing–self-awareness, but also to accomplish it by allowing the halfwit to arrive at the deduction by himself.

"HURRRRRR! I Can Count To This Many!" Boasts Putty-Faced Reality TV Grotesquery, Heidi Montag.

Executing the Method:

When the stupidity of a speaker becomes nauseatingly uncomfortable for all parties present, the intelligent person should say something to the effect, “I was with you until you got to that part about you not really knowing what you were talking about, and how you feel you’re a just a bit of an idiot.”

The reaction will no doubt fall along these lines: “What?  That wasn’t what I said!”

Tell ’em, “Well, not in so many words.”

Try it.  You’ll be making the world a better place.

Since Her Untimely Death In 2007, Anna Nicole Has Been Elevated To Patron Saint Of The Very Stupid.

Kurt Cobain’s Spirit Exacts A Slow And Terrible Vengeance On Courtney Love

29 Tuesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Drug Culture, Drugs, General Foolishness, Justice, Music, People, Poetry, Relationships, Scandal

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

1990's, Anna Nicole Smith, awful musicians, Black Widow, cooze, Courtney Love, Dave Grohl, drug addiction, drugs, Frances Bean Cobain, Generation X, gold digger, grunge music, Hole, inebriate, Krist Novoselic, Kurt Cobain, Nirvana, OxyContin, Seattle scene, skankery, suicide, tiresome anachronism, untalented stars, wastrel, Yoko Ono

Courtney Love, Generation X’s heroin-slagged answer to Yoko Ono, is an oozing societal sore which refuses doggedly to heal.               

The most heinous of her crimes, of course, is being so loathsome that Nirvana’s Kurt Cobain found the taste of a shotgun preferable to the thought of spending even one more second listening to Love’s screeching voice.              

Included among the vast legion of people who consider Love an epic cooze is the talentless harpy’s own daughter, Frances Bean Cobain.  The younger Cobain prevailed upon the court recently to emancipate her from the chemical-crazy she-beast from whose cankerous loins she sprang.  The court mercifully agreed.               

Unfortunately for young Francis Bean, the trust fund left for her by her father’s estate won’t be as easy to emancipate.  Just as Krist Novoselic and Dave Grohl already know, nobody clings with greater tenacity to the fruits of more talented labors than does Courtney Love.  Adding insult to injury, the trust fund has grown mysteriously lighter, to the tune of $8 Million.*               

Hey Pretty Lady, Was That Your Fine Ass I Saw Down At the SELL-UR-BLOOD The Other Day?

In a final irony, the ravages of an indiscreet lifestyle have transformed Courtney Love from a shapely, Anna Nicole Smith-wannabe into a virtual doppelgänger of Yoko Ono: a yellow, shriveled, screaming mess.               

This Would Be Funny If It Weren’t So . . . Hell, It IS Funny: Click Track – Courtney Love leads Hole through disastrous 9:30 club concert.               

*Sources close to this vapid skank estimate that $8 Million worth of OxyContin would keep Ms. Love high for the better part of two weeks.
Smaktakula

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