Mongolian Nazis? We Get It. Wait . . . No, We Don’t.

11 Wednesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Asia, Culture, General Foolishness, History, Mythology, Race, Relationships, Social Networking, World Affairs

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Adolf Hitler, anachronistic historical team-ups, bigotry, China, fascism, fucking idiots, Fuhrer, Genghis Khan, Holocaust, jackassery, Mongolia, Mongolian Nazis, Nazis, pure evil, racial pride, racial seperatism, racism, Super-Villain Team Up, totalitarianism, what the hell does 'Sieg Hire' mean anyway?, WTF?

By Smaktakula

For fans of historical reenaction and other loveless shut-ins who spend their days pondering what would happen if Adolf Hitler and Genghis Khan united in an anachronistic super-villain team up, this is as close as you’re likely to get.

: Give Them Points For Effort At Least: “Führer” Is Hard Enough To Pronounce With An American Accent.

The other villagers are said to be searching desperately for a way to gently shepherd these confused young men into accepting some uncomfortable, yet indelible, truths.

Not What You Were Looking For? Episode Three: The Search For Cock

09 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Baseball, Crime, Critters, Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, Music, People, Race, Sports, World Affairs

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

19th Century French Literature, bovine-on-human violence, Cat in the Hat, CDSA, childish sexual innuendo, China, cock, CockBlog, comical despots, comical spelling errors, Confessions of an America-Hating Man-Jezebel, craptastic eatery, curs, Donkey Kong, douchebaggery, dreadlocks, drugs, Duke, even Jesus thinks Fred Phelps sucks, fat people, female anatomy, Freddie Mercury, Fugeeman, George Sherrill, happy thoughts, hot and cold running chicks, Irene Folstrom, Islam, Jay Bush, Jean Valjean, Jean-Bertrand Aristide, K2, Les Miserables, madness, marijuana, Mauritanian Meat-Sword, Michael Lohan, Michael Lohan is a turd with eyes, Miley Cyrus, not what you were looking for?, old people, Olive Garden, Pakistan, pastaphilia, Pauly Shore, penis, penis-based racism, people of size, phallophilia, poor spelling, racism, rastaphilia, rave culture, Reverend Fred Phelps, Ruminations of a Junkie for Politics, senior citizens, sexy nurses, skankery, skankism, Smaktakula is aware that 'penises' is the accepted plural but if it's good enough for Steinbeck it's good enough for you, Smaktakula's troubling insecurity, Soylent Green, sweet sweet cheeba, the knacker, treachery, Turkish Tool, unctuous pimp, vagina, Victor Hugo, violence, virile He-Man, waddling grotesquery, Walt Stoelting, weed, Why am I so fat?, Wyclef Jean, your mother must be very proud

By Smaktakula

Presenting the third installment in our wildly popular series: Not What You Were Looking For? In which we list some of the search engine terms (indicated in bold) by which you found us, and for which you should rightly be ashamed.

You might also enjoy Still Not What You Were Looking For? Conversely, you might really dislike it. It’s not for us to decide.

promeethean times And wee’re off!

cock riders The preferred term is Weekend Motorcycle Club.

unemployment lazy Yeah, folks weren’t too crazy about that one.

skankist You’ll want to keep your eye out for our upcoming multi-part expose on skankism, ‘Skanks In The Crosshairs,” appearing some time in the next few weeks. In the meantime, please enjoy.

sexy dick in mouth non Oui!

obama rethinking marijuana Will he rethink that rap video?

be glad you’re not that guy Oh, we are.

sexy man spaghetti Um.

anti george sherrill You’ll find a home here, friend.

jay bush bean prison If he’s not on the lookout for canine chicanery, Jay Bush might very well end his days in a Mexican jail. And for Duke, the glue factory.

athretes Their parents taste rearry, rearry good.

michael lohan cock Isn’t he though?

fred phelps secret The secret is that he’s a raging homo.

fat people running Hmm, there’s something about this . . .

children running of the bulls spain . . . and this, that gives Smaktakula hope that with some creative thinking, America might someday lick its little obesity problem.

donkey cock Are we naive to believe that you’re an early Eighties video game enthusiast with comically poor spelling?

walt stoelting blog Sorry, Comrade–You’re thinking of Walt’s blog, Ruminations of a Junkie for Politics, or as we call it around here, Confessions of an America-Hating Man-Jezebel.

wyclef jean val jean bernard aristide Oh, very clever. We see what you did, combining future and former Haitian presidents Wyclef Jean and Jean Bernard Aristide with Jean Valjean, the doomed protagonist of Victor Hugo’s 19th Century French masterpiece, Les Miserables. Actually, that is pretty clever. And pointless.

pauly shore weed It would explain a lot.

safe horse fuck movies We know what all four of those words mean, but they don’t seem to work as a quartet.

miley cyrus delusional Totally.

abigail folger Isn’t she the young lady Tiger banged as an undergraduate at Stanford?

olive garden people They’re not people. THE FOOD IS PEOPLE! Oh, wait–no, sorry; the food is crap. We were thinking of Soylent Green.

the violence and madness of arab muslim Sounds like you’ve got your title all picked out. We can’t help you.

nurses with dreadlocks Uh huh. Good . . . very good. Okay, now tell us what they’re wearing. TELL US WHAT THEY’RE WEARING!

beautiful dreadlock guy He’s not blond, we can tell you that much.

pakistani penis Unfortunately, we’re out of that particular link. How about some Turkish Tool? No? Mauritanian Meat-Sword?

elderly remote Old people should not be allowed to handle the remote.

penis in bosses mouth Shh. Hush now, Boss. Smaktakula isn’t paying you to talk.

dirty mullet Is there any other kind?

happy thoughts Happy to oblige!

drugged raver Fish in a barrel, man. Fish in a barrel.

lorena bobbit and bull penis We’re unclear as to what you hoped to find. No, that’s quite all right–we don’t need to understand.

live aid Damn it, Freddie Mercury, we hope you die! . . .What? He did? How? . . . Oh . . . Oh God, no. Why doesn’t anybody tell us about these things? We’re so, so sorry.

asshole hairstyles So do you mean . . .? No, we’re sure you mean hairstyles that make you look like an asshole. Pretty sure.

k2 inhalants Thanks to Chinese technological know-how and the can-do spirit of the sweatshop, stoners now have a legal chemical alternative by which to get their fix.

black man cock Really? In 2010? Promethean Times doesn’t judge a man by the color of his penis. We do judge by length and thickness, however. You have been warned.

vagina Okay, this one’s a fake. It’s just that all the Promethean penii make Smaktakula a tad insecure, and he wants to assure you he is such a virile He-Man that the all the pipes on his vast estate flow not with water, but rather with hot and cold running chicks.

Promethean Times thanks you, the lonely Internet phallophiliac, for making us America’s fastest-growing CockBlog!

Facebook Probably Isn’t Looking For Us Either. But Screw Them. Do You Sheeple Always Do What You’re Told?

Something Must Be Done About Blond Guys With Dreadlocks

04 Wednesday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture, General Foolishness, Race, Relationships

≈ 13 Comments

Tags

blond guys with dreads look like idiots, blond men, cultural dilution, cultural heritage, cultural theft, douchebaggery, dreadlocks, dreadmullet, dreads, filthy macrame, forced to diddle Lilith Fair chicks, hygiene, lhasa apsos, mullet, no hypocrisy, normals, Philosopher's Stone, race, Raggedy Andy, Rastafarianism, when pressed for time Smaktakula eagerly embraces nonsensical cliches like media-driven fishbowl, white man's overbite, white men can't dance

By Smaktakula

Race has always been a contentious topic, never more so than in today’s overcharged, media-driven fishbowl. Issues of cultural heritage are similarly sensitive. A longstanding and often-fiery debate continues over the question of whether the cultural properties of a race are best kept within the purview of that specific culture, or whether these formerly cultural properties be adopted by the greater culture at large to reach their full significance, thereby risking dilution.

If You Find Yourself Asking, "Why Do Dreadlocks Look Great On This Guy, But Make Me Look Like An Asshole?", Take A Few Deep Breaths And Do Your Best Not To Swallow Your Own Tongue. Promethean Times Is Here To Help.

There are no easy answers to this question, and we will not attempt any here. Instead, can we all agree right now that blond guys need to stop wearing their hair in dreadlocks?

It Should Not Be. How Can A Loving God Let This Happen?

Promethean Times fails to see the appeal in going through life with a filthy piece of macramé clinging to your scalp. It would appear that nature agrees with our dim assessment of the hairstyle’s aesthetic value, based on the dubious quality of the soupy pool from which these bipedal lhasa apsos are forced to choose their mates. There are certainly more hygienic ways to attract a mate, and lacking a hairstyle that readily identifies you as a douchebag greatly increases your potential to perform intercourse with a partner who has both an established pattern of bathing and at least a nodding acquaintance with a razor.

At Least These Two Aren't Spreading Their Aberrant Chromosomes Among The Normals.

There is a danger here more insidious than simply looking like a dickhead. Although cultural watchdogs are particularly vigilant against cultural theft, no one is guarding against the danger that more insipid elements of white culture will find their way into black culture. Witness this disturbing back-door attempt to introduce the mullet into Rastafarian culture:

Curiously, Smaktakula Feels In No Way Hypocritical In Wanting To Beat This Punk's Lily-White Ass.

No blond man, no matter how good-looking, has ever been anything other than a pitiable clown buried under a snarl of dreads. Anyone who thinks that he might be the blond Philosopher’s Stone, gifted with the miraculous ability to transform shit into chic, is dangerously deluded. Unfortunately, until these misguided souls accept that cool-looking dreadlocks are forever denied them,* the rest of us will have to suffer these flesh-and-blood Raggedy Andys.

*And you can forget about not looking like an asshole while fast-dancing.

Not What You Were Looking For?

07 Wednesday Jul 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Cinema, Crime, Critters, Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Humor, Movies, People, Race, Relationships, Television, Terrorism, World Affairs

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

asshat, backwater shithole, Baseball, brilliant dirty weirdos, Bush 41, Charlie Estevez, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Charlie Sheen Will Never Escape The Brat Pack's Terrible Event Horizon, choking game, comical despots, Confucius, cooze, crazy bastard, Dear Leader, Dr. Grigori Perelman, dwarf, Gary Coleman, George Bush Sr., George Herbert Walker Bush, hemp, herpes, hippies, huffing, India, Jackpot, K2, Kim Jong-il, lactating, lesbians, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, marijuana, midget, Milton Bradley, Milton Bradley is batshit crazy, Morris the Cat, Nevada, not what you were looking for?, pot, reefer, Shannon Price, small black actor, sniper, Somali pirates, sweet sweet cheeba, Thinksquad, Wal-Mart, Wal-Mart is evil, weed, Wikipedia, your mother must be very proud, Zen koan

By Smaktakula

We would like to believe that of the nearly 800,000 hits* Promethean Times receives daily, each is a reader who set out specifically to find us. Of course, this is sometimes not the case.

Here are some of the keywords (noted by boldface) used by folks whom we suspect–and in one or two cases, hope–found us by accident.

small black actor died We can do that.

gary coleman death pictures He was a beautiful human being, and now he’s gone. What the hell is wrong with you people?

lindsay lohan child pics We’re hoping you mean stills from her films. We can help you here and here. But if that’s not what you mean, maybe this is more your speed, Creepo.

Morris the Cat baseball We couldn’t help this guy out, but we’re just glad somebody read Smaktakula’s piece on Morris.

K2 We can do that.

huffing And that.

choking game That too.

somali pirates We can do that.

freshy somalis Um.

backwater shithole We can do that.

proud herpes There’s a proud kind? Damn. Smaktakula kinda wishes he hadn’t rushed out and bought the shameful kind.

difference between a midget and a dwarf You got us. Try Wikipedia, Asshat.

bush pukes on japanese We can do that.

lesbian lactating Ew. We don’t do that. Please return to the fetid basement apartment from which you came.

kim jong il sad Try Thinksquad. Those crazy bastards are fucking with the Dear Leader as we speak.

dirty russian Hmm. Hope you were looking for our pal, Grigori.

shannon price evil And a cooze!

pictures mexican children No, however we are in possession of some awesome nude shots of your mom. Inquire for purchase.

what are the pathos at walmart Damn, Confucius, we could meditate on that Zen koan for years. In the meantime, try this.

fuck off marijuana Indeed. And take the hippies with you!

charlie sheen first amendment It’s true that Mr. Sheen is a first-rate legal scholar, but we examine other aspects of the Sheen Mystique here and here.

is milton bradley crazy Yes, he is.

giant playground-mcdonalds Were we able to help you?

indian sniper We can do that.

man fuck a horse Your mother must be very proud.

*Note: This figure may not correspond with reality.

Step Dancing Is For Everybody?–Not So Fast, White Girls

21 Monday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Culture, Games, Music, National Events, Political Correctness, Race, Relationships, Sports

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

affirmative action, African-Americans, bigotry, black sorority, Brooklyn Dodgers, bullying, cultural theft, diversity, evil bigots, exclusionary policy, hypocrisy, Jackie Robinson, liberal guilt, meritocracy, political pressure, prejudice, professional race baiters, quotas, racial shakedown, racism, racist, reverse racism, Sprite, step dance, Step Off, whining, white girls, White girls. Why did it have to be white girls?, white guilt, white sorority, Zeta Tau Alpha

By Smaktakula

The women of Zeta Tau Alpha made history recently when they were awarded first-place at Step Off, a prestigious step competition hosted by Sprite. What makes this victory historic is that step dance, a synchronized dance routine typically performed by nine women, has long been exclusively an African-American tradition. Zeta Tau Alpha is a white sorority.

Critics of Zeta Tau Alpha’s victory say that this is just one of many instances in a long history of culture theft by whites. Furthermore, these critics contend that while the art form’s exposure to a wider, multi-racial audience is certainly to be desired, the potential for non-black dancers to win is not. It is an insult, they say, for a white sorority to be awarded first place.

A brief explanation of the difference between white and black sororities. White sororities, which by virtue of being white are more exclusionary, are open to women of all races, and include many African-Americans. Black sororities, in an effort to preserve diversity, are exclusively African-American.

The people who don’t want white girls in step dancing would like you to know that they are merely preserving their proud cultural heritage, and despite so many marked similarities, are not at all like the evil bigots who strove to keep Jackie Robinson out of the Major Leagues.

WWJRD?

There was a great deal of grumbling over Zeta Tau Alpha’s victory, but the judges’ decision signalled that the art form was ready to embrace diversity and celebrate its coming-of-age in the wider culture.

White Sororities Are Exclusionary

Black Sororities Promote Diversity

Despite the furor from groups who thought it wrong that a white sorority won, the judges stuck to their guns. For a week. Then they realized they’d made an unspecified scoring error of some sort and called it a tie.

Critics of merit-based solutions hailed this as “a victory for all people who value equality and fairness above talent and hard work. The squeaky wheel really does get the grease!”

Bravo, ladies.

Strike A Blow For Racial Equality By Sharing This With Facebook

NAACP Achieves Goal Of Attaching Racist Connotations To Every Expression Containing The Word ‘Black’

11 Friday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Art, Culture, Duh, General Foolishness, National Events, National Politics, People, Political Correctness, Politics, Race, Relationships

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Americans of Singularity Descent, black holes, Black Holians, Black Leadership Scowl, celestial phenomena, civil rights, civil rights leaders, comets, crying wolf, event horizon, Hallmark Cards, It's A Celestial Thang, NAABH, NAACP, ominous, professional race baiters, Protesting Is Fun!, racism, Singlularity-Americans, singularities, Singularity Pride, supermassive is beautiful!, supermassive like me, zephyrs

The Los Angeles Chapter of the NAACP broke out their Black Leadership Scowls recently to protest a Hallmark Card which they call racist.

The space-themed graduation card plays an audio track which, among other things, refers to black holes as “ominous.”

Presumably, the NAACP regards the card as offensive to descendents of the supermassive space feature, who might rightly take umbrage at being labelled “ominous.”

It should also be noted that comets and zephyrs, typically considered “white” celestial phenomena, are not mentioned at all in the card’s message.

Longs For The Day When He Will Be Judged Solely By The Gravitational Pull Of His Event Horizon

Okay, Now You’re Just Being Silly: NAACP calls Hallmark graduation card racist | abc7.com.

Smaktakula

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All Men Are Created Equal (Not Really)

09 Wednesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Constitutional Issues, Crime, Culture, Justice, National Events, National Politics, People, Political Correctness, Race

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

black people, disabled people, gay people, hate crime, hate crime legislation, inequality under the law, Jewish people, laws, obscure celebrities, Pauly Shore, sentencing, The Wiez, untalented stars

By Smaktakula

For those who don’t know, a hate crime is a crime that is committed against a black, disabled, jewish or gay person that isn’t committed by a black, disabled, jewish or gay person.

The distinction can be tricky. Simply hating someone and then committing a crime against them is not sufficient to be considered a hate crime. Likewise, because a crime is hateful, doesn’t automatically qualify it as a hate crime. For example, stabbing an elderly woman 13 times in the face for her social security check is not, in and of itself, a hate crime. Supposing however, that the old lady in question is a lesbian while her attacker is not, then it is indeed a hate crime.

Hate crimes are considered more heinous than other crimes. As such, they carry stiffer sentences than their non-hate brethren, in much the way that stealing $1,000,000 is considered worse than stealing $49.50. Given that the first sum is worth more, most people would agree that the theft of same should carry with it a more rigorous penalty.

Logically then, the types of people who are potential victims of hate crimes are of greater value to society than those who aren’t. Were this not the case, all crimes of a similar nature (i.e., assault, rape, murder, being salty) would be punished equally under the law.

Since all crimes of a similar nature do not meet this criterion, it follows that the least worthy element in our society is the straight, white, ambulatory male.

When Viewed In This Light, It Does Make A Certain Sense.

The Improved Order Of Red Men

01 Tuesday Jun 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, General Foolishness, History, Mythology, National Events, Political Correctness, Race, Relationships, Social Networking

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Baltimore, Chief Joseph, fraternal organization, Improved Order of Red Men, Indians, Maryland, Native Americans, Nez Perce, Political Correctness, racism, Red Man 1.0, unimproved red men

By Smaktakula

The Improved Order of Red Men is a fraternal organization founded in 1834 in Baltimore, Maryland.

What quality is it that separates the improved red men from their pre-improvement brethren? Mostly whiteness, as it turns out.

Red Man 1.0 (Worth More In Original Packaging)

New & Improved

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From ABC News: Arab Reaction To Muslim Miss USA

20 Thursday May 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, Games, General Foolishness, Islam, National Events, People, Race, Scandal, Television

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

ABC News, Arab Americans, Arabs, beauty pageant, beauty pageants objectify women!, Detroit, Islam, Lebanese Americans, Miss USA, muslims, pole dancing, Rima Fakih, scandal, The Great Satan, your mother must be very proud

The Great Satan For The Win!

Tighten Your Turbans: Arab Reaction to Miss USA Winner Rima Fakih – ABC News.

Political And Media Elites Surprised, Dismayed By Would-Be Terrorist’s Lack Of Whiteness

07 Friday May 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Christianity, Crime, Culture, General Foolishness, International Relations, Islam, Justice, National Events, National Politics, Political Correctness, Race, Relationships, Religion, Terrorism

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Barack Obama, Contessa Brewer, Eric Holder, Faisal Shahzad, Gitmo, Guantanamo Bay, home-grown terrorism, Islam, Michael Bloomberg, MSNBC, muslims, nanny state, Obama Administration, Obamacare, Political Correctness, Rachel Maddow, radical Islam, Tea Party, teabaggers, Terrorism

By Smaktakula

In the hours following the accidentally foiled Times Square bombing, Washington and the media let the world know just what sort of deranged maniac they were looking for: a disgruntled white guy. Remember: Timothy McVeigh was white. So was Ted Kaczynski. And don’t forget to add Eric Rudolph’s two kills into the shameful annals of American terrorism.

Since then, pretty much every major act of violent terrorism has been committed predominately (by which we mean exclusively) by adherents of Islam*. The current expectations among fans of Professional International Terrorism (PIT) is that whitey is due for a significant atrocity.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg apparently believes that as with his legislation regarding which foods New Yorkers can put in their bodies, his own God-given wisdom trumps facts. Shortly after the incident, the mayor responsibly opined that while he didn’t really have a clue as to what happened, he was confident enough to prognosticate that the would-be mass murderer would turn out to be an American citizen bitter about Obamacare.

Bloomberg’s mistake is a reasonable one considering that the administration and most of the media have been warning that Tea Party radicals were going to try something crazy. The media has provided substantial proof for these claims, if one accepts incestuously recycled comments from other “journalists” as proof.

The world was shocked to learn that the alleged bad guy, Faisal Shahzad was not white, nor was he Christian. He was not a Republican, and apparently did not play college-level lacrosse.

After Shahzad’s lack of Christian whiteness was discovered, MSNBC spokesperson Contessa Brewer expressed dismay that the failed bomber was Islamic, claiming that certain groups would use that fact to their own racist ends. Presumably this entails spreading the false rumor that people of Islamic faith make poor terrorists. This is especially galling since Islamic terrorists are considered the cream of the crop when it comes to murderous thugs.

Brewer later backpedalled on her Facebook site, saying she simply didn’t want the terrorist to be of a specific race. It’s just that there was a specific race and/or religious preference that she didn’t want it to be.

In virtually the same breath, Brewer attempts to justify her statements by pointing to Bloomberg’s latest statements, admonishing Americans not to take out their anger on Pakistani Muslims. The fact that no major acts of violence against American muslims have occurred since 9/11 is a testament to the efficacy of this sort of pedantic, self-righteous nagging.

Still, until the Obama adminstration and the friendly press can return to the narrative of the white Christian as Public Enemy Number 1, there are going to be some downcast faces:

Thought That White Christian Prisoners Would Help Diversify Gitmo

Say WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?

This Guy Is Totally Bummed

Hopefully the next terrorist will look like this:

Why Is She So Full Of Hate?

Otherwise it’ll really screw up the narrative.

**Promethean Times* wishes to stress our firm stance that Islam is a religion of peace. Every right-thinking person knows that it is only because of a few misguided individuals and a great many Western bigots that people have this hugely incorrect view of Muslims. Therefore, we feel that any retaliatory action against Promethean Times, including but not limited to fatwas, jihads and other assorted beefs, would be unwarranted. Not that any Islamic person would perpetrate an act of violence–please see the first sentence in this note regarding Islam being a religion of peace. But just so we’re clear, if Islamic people were the type to start killing people who said things with which they disagreed (and again, we’re not saying that they are–Religion of Peace! Religion of Peace!), hopefully they wouldn’t feel the need to revenge themselves against Promethean Times. Although undoubtedly we have done something to deserve it, for which we are most grievously sorry. As-Salamu Alaykum

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Promethean Times

~ A Collection of Oddities Calculated to Amuse, Enlighten and Horrify.

Category Archives: Race

Not What You Were Looking For? Episode Three: The Search For Cock

By Smaktakula

Promethean Times thanks you, the lonely Internet phallophiliac, for making us America’s fastest-growing CockBlog!

Something Must Be Done About Blond Guys With Dreadlocks

By Smaktakula

*And you can forget about not looking like an asshole while fast-dancing.

Not What You Were Looking For?

By Smaktakula

*Note: This figure may not correspond with reality.

Step Dancing Is For Everybody?–Not So Fast, White Girls

By Smaktakula

NAACP Achieves Goal Of Attaching Racist Connotations To Every Expression Containing The Word ‘Black’

Smaktakula

All Men Are Created Equal (Not Really)

By Smaktakula

From ABC News: Arab Reaction To Muslim Miss USA

Political And Media Elites Surprised, Dismayed By Would-Be Terrorist’s Lack Of Whiteness

By Smaktakula