Tag Archives: the French

This Day In History: June 18, 1815 CE

18 Saturday Jun 2011

Posted by in Culture, History

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On which the French and English clash in Belgium, with Napoleon Bonaparte’s forces smashing into British lines at Hougoumont in what he hopes will prove the Duke of Wellington’s own personal Waterloo.

An Interesting Historical Tidbit Known Mostly To Scholars And Other Friendless Shut-Ins: The French Once Walked The Walk.*

 *It should be noted that the historical community has by no means reached consensus on this issue.  On the contrary, many scholars dispute the notion that France ever walked the walk, pointing out that the Corsican-born Bonaparte was of Italian descent. ∞T.

G’Bye, Gbagbo!

11 Monday Apr 2011

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By Smaktakula

The Outgoing President Expressed Regret That He Was Unable To Fulfill His Mission To Plunder The Nation's Coffers.

Closure comes today to the months-long standoff in Ivory Coast as forces loyal to UN-backed President Alassane Ouattara arrested former President Laurent Gbagbo, who had been steadfastly refusing to leave office.  The outgoing president is said to be in good spirits following his capture, although suitably embarrassed that his regime is the first in living memory to be successfully toppled by French troops.

With the electoral crisis resolved, this augurs to be a time of healing for the small African nation.  Ivorians are looking forward to a euphoric and all-too-brief honeymoon of high expectations before Ouattara regime transitions to a more traditional leadership role and begins to liquidate the country’s resources while engaging in the slaughter of his enemies.

"This Is A Time To Put Away Anger And Come Together As Ivorians. When The UN Leaves--Only Then Can We Begin The Wholesale Killings."

Things We Think About: Time Travel

07 Friday Jan 2011

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By Smaktakula

If The Future Has Anything To Teach, It's That The Pederasts Will Outlive Us All.

We think it would be way cool to be able to travel backward in time, but not for the typically cited reasons, such as dumping that Lehman stock while it’s still hot, killing Hitler or doing the nasty with Joan of Arc.  Instead, we’d use this precious opportunity to fuck with people from simpler, more primitive societies.

For example, if visiting late 19th Century Victorian England, Smaktakula might insist to all he meets that he is a certain Mr. Beyotch, placing a ridiculous emphasis on the second syllable so that it rises in pitch to end almost in a screech.

“Pleased to meet you, Mr. Beyotch.”

“My dear sir–that’s BeyOTCH!”

Man, that would be anachronistically epic.

The "Maid" Of Orléans. The Chick's French--How Hard Can It Be To Get All Up In That Chainmail?

FYI:  Joan became legal circa 1430 AD, only to die a year later in 1431 AD.  That’s your window of opportunity right there. ∞T.

Could You Be An Asshole? Beer

28 Tuesday Dec 2010

Posted by in Culture, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Not Only Does It Taste Great, But It Keeps Your Hard-Earned Money Out Of The Hands Of Europeans. Remember, You're Not The Marshall Plan.

If you find yourself uttering the tired line, “American beer is crap,” or some similar aspersion against domestic brew,* then–like it or not–you’re an asshole, and a pretentious one at that.  While the typical mass-produced American beer tastes like pickled pig’s piss,  a number of craft and smaller-production brews are available throughout the nation.

Do You Imagine That The Krauts Drink This Swill?

Listen–everybody wants to make a good impression, but advertising your love of expensive, skunky pisswater over finely-crafted but umlaut-lacking American brews heralds your ignorance to the world.  Not only does such knavery piss off red-blooded Full Sail Ale drinkers and true-blue fans of Fat Tire, but it won’t impress the cute French girl you’re hitting on nearly as much as offering her a pack of stinky cigarettes.

Nothing Says "Culture" Like Ass-Flavored Cigarettes.

*This admonition applies to American citizens only.  We recognize that citizens of other beer-drinking countries will no doubt hold their own brews in higher esteem than those crafted in our own liberty-loving, Providence-blessed Republic.  We appreciate your loyalty to your country’s inferior product. ∞T.