Sheen Probably Spends Too Much Time Riding Bareback.
More bad news for cretinous serial impregnator and former television personality Charlie Sheen: Last night the authorities arrived at Sheen’s Beverly Hills residence to remove the actor’s twin sons from his custody.
At Least This Child Doesn't Appear To Be His Own.
Although very little is known at this time, the question on everybody’s lips is:
“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? UNTIL YESTERDAY, CHARLIE SHEEN WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE SAFETY OF TWO HUMAN INFANTS? HOLY SHIT!”
Let The Other Drivers Know That Your Precious Cargo Supersedes Their Selfish Need To Arrive On Time.
Statistics back it up: despite millions of new cars on the road ever year, the highway is becoming a safer place worldwide. The reasons for this happy trend are myriad, among them: improving infrastructures, increased awareness about driver’s safety and stricter laws regarding intoxicated driving. No factor has been more significant in lowering automobile deaths per capita than has the rapid development of safety technology. It is possible today to walk away from an accident which might have proved fatal only thirty years ago.
Human Gestation Typically Lasts 37 To 40 Weeks. Tattoos, Like Stupidity, Last A Lifetime.
But in today’s world of bleeding edge technology and gee-whiz science, is there still room for an old standby like Baby on Board?
Because Children Stop The Traffic.
Baby on Board proved to be a dazzling innovation in automobile safety when it was first introduced in the heady years of the late 1980s. Moreover, by being extremely cost-effective–individual units cost pennies to make, but retailed for as much as $10–the safety measure meshed nicely with the era’s affinity for recklessly high profits.
Translation: "Honorable Godzilla: As There Is In This Car A Young Child, It Would Be Most Pleasing To The Child's Family If You Could Contain For A Few Moments Your Cretaceous Rage And Avoid Incinerating The Child With Your Radioactive Breath Or Smashing It To Dust With Your Magnificent Tail."
More than simply keeping costs down, the innovation’s simplicity appealed to the consumer. Baby on Board came ready-to-use, the unit taking typically no more than a few seconds to install in the vehicle’s rear window. Once mounted, the device would alert other drivers that young people (despite its name, Baby on Board applied to all children weighing less than 80 pounds) were in the vehicle. Those drivers would then heed this warning, waiting until the precious family was safely in the distance before resuming their reckless driving.
Literalism Is Neither Cute Nor Helpful.
Sadly, Baby on Board is rarely seen today. 21st Century drivers are more likely to place their trust in expensive technologies, and given the level of scientific innovation in safety this reliance may be well-founded. But it’s worth remembering the recent studies which show Baby on Board is at least as efficacious as are child safety seats.
Everywhere You Step, There's Another One. Literally.
We recently downloaded a free iPhone application, the name of which implied the app could identify sexual predators. We decided to test it out at our local supermarket.
We braced ourselves for the possibility that a few individuals we encountered–perhaps even people we knew–might be sexual predators. But we could not have prepared ourselves for the degenerate horror into which we had thrust ourselves. Moments after we started the application, it registered a deviant. As we moved around the store trying to triangulate and identify individual perverts, the data on the phone showed a dizzying increase in suspicious individuals.
"He's Climbin' In Yo Windows! He's Snatchin' Yo People Up!"
Eventually the data were showing more sexual predators in the immediate area than we could visually confirm, possibly indicating that some were hiding between the rows of food, or perhaps secreted under the flooring or in the back room. Since the threat posed a greater danger than we were prepared to face, we chose to alert the authorities.
Little Billy's Parents Would Later Tearfully Tell The Police That Chester's Hair Should Have Been A Dead Giveaway.
We were understandably chagrined when the police informed us that the application was a pedometer–a device which measures walking or running distance, and not a pedo-meter, which furthermore, they were quick to point out, does not exist.
Promethean Times 