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Tag Archives: Charlie Sheen

Promethean Times’ 2011 Person Of The Year: Us Again

30 Friday Dec 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, Culture, Entertainment, History, News, Politics, Religion

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'Lil Kim, 1492, 2010, 2011, 2012, Afghanistan, Amy Winehouse, Arab Spring, Armenian Genocide, Arnold Schwarzenegger, arson, Barack Obama, California, Celebrity Death Watch, Charlie Sheen, Cleveland, Code Pink, Democratic Republic of Congo, Democrats, Diana Spencer, Dirk Nowitzki, dumb kids and the dumb things they do to fuck up their lives, ennui, Fidel Castro, Flower of American Skankhood, Gabby Giffords, gay people, Jani Lane, John Boehner, Julius Malema, Kate Middleton, Kim Jong-il, Kim Jong-un, Kim Kardashian, LeBron James, Leslie Nielsen, Lewis County, Libya, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, Mayans, Muammar al-Gaddafi, muslims, Nancy Pelosi, narcos, North Korea, Oakland, Occupy, Osama bin Laden, places that suck, Prince William, prognostication, Promethean Times' Person of the Year, puppy-killing, Randy 'Macho Man' Savage, Rapture, Republicans, Robert Mugabe, San Francisco, self-promotion so shameless that it borders on hucksterism, Smaktakula is aware that 'penises' is the accepted plural but if it's good enough for Steinbeck it's good enough for us, Smaktakula's decades-old vendetta against the French, Smaktakula's vendetta against Lewis County, South Africa, Steve Jobs, Tea Party, the cult-like devotion accorded to Steve Jobs by effete Mac users, the French, the West, United States of America, Washington State, Zimbabwe

By The Promethean Times Editorial Staff

We Looked Among All The Nations Of The World, And Could Find None More Deserving Of Our Praise.

We’ll admit it–we didn’t think it would come to this.  We figured we’d be rich by now, or at the very least the Rapture would have freed us from our myriad woes.  Since it didn’t (it didn’t, right?), we’ve picked ourselves up and resolved to make a game go of it.  Moreover, we’re concentrating our hopes on the admittedly feeble chances the Mayans were right in predicting doom for 2012, and that very soon sweet nothingness will obliterate the pain that is existence.

Turns Out Somebody Made A Calculation Error When They Came Up With The 2012 Date. The Revised Figure Is 1492.

Until then, though, we’re even more delighted that, last December, we were the inaugural winner of the Promethean Times’ Person of the Year.  Now, as we say goodbye to what we call ‘The Year of Promethean Times,’ it’s time to recognize a new mover and/or shaker for his/her/its contribution or impact to our world.

Having outstripped the rest of the field by light-years in the 2010 contest, Promethean Times could be forgiven for feeling like it has an edge in this year’s selection.  After all, no one disputes that Promethean Times’ many, many contributions to the betterment of society rank among the more significant developments in 2011.  Still, the beloved news journal remains humble.  “Would we like to repeat?” asks Smaktakula, lead writer, “Absolutely–who wouldn’t?  But we’ve got important events to cover, and we can’t really spend time thinking about things like that.  Besides,” he adds, “Some other stuff happened.”

Among that stuff was a string of dead dicks, despots and men of low character.  2011 bid farewell to a number of those comical tyrants who, through nothing more than style, a ridiculous outfit and balls the size of grapefruit, commanded legions to do their bidding.   Osama bin Laden’s cringing demise among  the fluid-spattered catacombs of his porn library taught us all to laugh again, while the image of Keystone Cops stumbling after wacky sand-despot Muammar Gaddafi in a madcap chase aross the Libyan desert gave us reason to laugh even harder.  The ascendance of Steve Jobs and Kim Jong-il to their respective heavenly kingdoms reminded us that Gods too can die.

Among The Many Proposed Reforms Of The 'Arab Spring' Which Began In The Winter Of 2011 Is A Calendar That's Worth A Damn.

Fortunately, the world is in no immediate danger of losing its megalomaniacal dickheads–it seems as if for every despot hanged, another sprouts from the puddle of piss at his twitching feet.  The loss of ‘Lil Kim was a blow for North Korea, but made easier when Kim Jong-un waddled into his father’s shoes and accepted his mandate to drive the shitstain of a country further into the ground. Africa maintained its preeminence for venal strongmen throughout 2011, with brutal racist Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe single-lippedly keeping alive the Hitler Mustache, while Julius Malema, an exciting new face on the South African scene, promises to continue the ruination of the one-time economic powerhouse.  And throughout the world, Muslims continued to blow things up in protest of the western world’s inexplicable and persistent view of Muslims as violent and reactionary.  The West countered with fiercely abject apologies.

Fidel's Still Hanging In There.

Another theme embraced wholeheartedly worldwide was indignation.  Contrary to the age-old adage, “What goes up must inevitably continue to do so,” 2011 saw a further decline in the still-ridiculous standard of living enjoyed by the West.  Like going out to lunch with Grandma, the belief arose that it was enough to wait it out, and somebody would eventually pick up the check.  The jarring reality that Grandma died during a visit to the ladies’ room brought angry people into the streets.  In America, this phenomenon took the form of “Occupy Wall Street,” a Tea Party for the under-40 crowd, who still like to break things and enjoy the novelty of humping in Liberty Park, where rank coils of human feces suffice for scented candles and complete exposure for privacy.

For Real, We Totally Would.--Only, It Smells Like Pee And There's A Ton Of Poor People Walking Around.

The year was momentous for the United States.  Although ending its involvement in Iraq (kinda, not really) the US steadfastly continued interminable bank-busting conflicts in places like Afghanistan, while also embarking on other daring adventures such as temporary conflicts in Libya and a secret war¹ in the Democratic Republic of Congo.  On the home front, the government turned its attention against homegrown enemies, like pot shops in California, while Operation Fast & Furious ensured that narcos and Mexican Army assassins could continue to terrorize the citizenry of the failed state and disappear the occasional American tourist.

The year began with the Arizona shooting that turned US Representative Gabby Giffords into a living martyr, and the rest of the nation into a gang of loudmouthed assholes.  Throughout the year the citizenry continued the tradition of killing one another, often in new and surprising ways.

America: Where Our Unsettling Anthropomorphic Monsters Are Just A Little Bit More Patriotic.

President Obama was once again unable to deliver on his promise to make the United States a magical Care Bear land of milk & honey scented with the sweet strains of children’s choirs singing liltingly of the unifying joy of diversity, but from their bastions in college quads and Code Pink meeting-houses, the President’s dwindling cadre of  true believers assured us it was Republican obstructionism.  And secret racism.  Republicans countered that their sole aim was to restore sanity to a beleaguered nation, and promised that only as a last resort would they burn the fucking thing to the ground.

The Bad News Is That Rome Is Burning. The Good News Is That Everyone In Our Studio Audience Will Be Going Home Tonight With Shiny New Fiddles!

Political penii² proved productive in promoting prick-principled puns, as well as gratuitous alliteration.  The destructive power of the penis was ably demonstrated by Arnold Schwarzenegger, who showed us that even a wealthy Hollywood/Government powerhouse with an even richer (albeit skeletal) wife will fuck an ugly woman if given the opportunity.  Late night talk-show hosts methodically shook every last droplet of humor from the Weiner situation, before putting away their pricks at the disgraced NY Rep.

Political mores and identities changed more than ever, particularly in institutions such as the US Military.  The US Navy broadened its long and proud tradition of maritime homosexuality by allowing gays to be open about it.  At the same time, former Gay Mecca San Francisco saw its fabulousness eclipsed in favor of dumps like Oakland and Cleveland.  Meanwhile, in Washington State’s rural Lewis County, citizens continued their proud practice of frequent–and flagrantly public–sexual congress with barnyard animals.

For Newlyweds Lisa And Bingo Lamb, A Day At The Fair Is A Great Reason To Dress Up.

As did the death of beautiful paper-doll Diana Spencer over a decade before, the wedding of Prince William to commoner Kate Middleton proved Americans are still fascinated with the royal family from which their forefathers once strove so mightily to emancipate themselves.  Although America does not have a royalty per se, the Twenty-First Century has seen the rise of a new class of publicly-owned do-nothings.  Paramount among these is the vile Kardashian Klan, a bloodline and marriage-based conglomerate that may just be the strongest argument yet advanced in support of the Armenian Holocaust.³  Kim Kardashian’s sham-marriage to basketball legend somebody-or-other netted the vapid perfume-tycoon more money than you’re likely to see in a thousand lifetimes.

There were a few stars whom we were relieved to see survive 2011, not least because their delightfully destructive antics provide regular low-hanging fruit for Promethean Times.  Toothless cretin Charlie Sheen managed to bring his life and career to a shattering halt, suffering the additional injury of losing his place in America’s most beloved half-hour of insipidity to a genial retard.  Yet through a heroic lack of self-awareness and the public’s perverse predilection for the doomed, the former Carlos Estevez is more popular than ever.  The same cannot be said for Lindsay Lohan, once hailed as ‘The Flower of American Skankhood,’ who like Sheen, is one of 2012’s most likely fatalities.  Despite a loving and supportive family, worldwide adoration and impeccable personal hygiene, the only audience to prove capable of tolerating LiLo’s act for any length of time were her customers at the LA County Morgue.

It Gets A Lot Less Sexy When You Realize She'll Be Dead Soon.

Sport continued to be a necessary diversion around the world, uniting and dividing people not by races or ethnicity, but by the overpriced merchandise they wore.  In American sports, Jesus, sole scion of the Jehovah Dynasty, briefly tried His hand at football before quietly retiring once again to the sidelines, much to the dismay of football fans in the Mountain States.  Although a strike marred the beginning of the 2011-2012 NBA season, the 2010-2011 season ended in a thrilling contest that satisfied both haters of LeBron James and fans of Schadenfreude in general.  In what was nearly universally regarded as a black year for baseball, the one bright spot was the continuing absence of a World Series trophy in the Lone Star State.  And in sports outside of America’s shores, a group of Japanese ladies won some soccer thing.

A Little Bit Like Schnitzel.

With all these notable events and people, both tragic and sublime, from which to choose, our editors had an unenviable task in determining Promethean Times’ Person of the Year for 2011.  It was only after a thorough and at-times grueling vetting process, at several points during which the acrimony grew both increasingly bitter and ad hominem, that the worthy candidate emerged.  Promethean Times is proud to name as this year’s Promethean Times’ Person of the Year and our first two-time back-to-back recipient, Promethean Times, honoring the venerable publication for its indefatigable and often thankless dedication to fighting the barbaric practice of puppy-killing.

Bravo, Promethean Times.

NEVER AGAIN.

To The Dear Friends To Whom We Bid Farewell In 2011: May You Find Yourselves In Heaven Before The Devil Knows You’re Dead:

Amy Might Still Be Alive If She Had Filled Her Drug-Pipe With Harmless Tobacco Instead Of What She Actually Filled It With--Drugs.

The Thing We'll Miss Most? The Laughter.

CNN News Personality Anderson Cooper Was Too Beautiful To Live.

Sure, It's A Tragedy For The Ages, But We Take Some Small Consolation In The Knowledge That There's One Less Drunk On The Streets Tonight.

Quiet, Modest And Unassuming, Mr. Savage Exemplified The Qualities For Which America Is Admired Across The Globe.

Get It? We're Being Metaphorical. Trust Us, Chicks Dig Metaphors.

The Colonel's Friends All Believed It Was Gaddafi's Fascination With Thriller-Era Michael Jackson That Prevented His Promotion To General.

This Beautiful Creature Learned Too Late That If Something Lives, The Germans Will Find A Way To Kill It.

This One Time, When Smaktakula Was In Juvenile Hall On An Arson Charge, He Met A Guy Who Claimed To Be Jani Lane's Half-Brother, And Damned If The Kid Didn't Look Just Like Him. No, That's It.

Old Friend, We'll Miss You Most Of All. Circumstances Demand That We Dispense With The Childish, Insensitive Caricatures Upon Which We So Often Rely, But Rather, Respect Your Culture By Offering You A Farewell Not Only More Dignified, But In Keeping With The Proud Traditions Of Korea. In This Last Hour, Dear Leader, We Say Simply, "Sayonara."

¹ While it’s not actually a secret that 100 US ‘advisers’ have been sent to the DRC to help combat the Lord’s Resistance Army, it might as well be for all the media talks about it. ∞T.
² ‘Penises’ is the accepted plural of ‘penis,’ but Promethean Times has always been, and will forever proudly remain, a penii-loving publication.  ∞T.
³ It’s a joke, Tanzr–don’t let it curdle your yogurt soda.  Yes, what happened to your great-great aunt whatsername at the hands of the Turks all those years was a tragedy, but at least we provided a link to Wikipedia.  That’s a hell of a lot more than the US Government ever did. ∞T.

Charlie Sheen To Get Roasted

06 Wednesday Jul 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, News, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Carrot Top, Celebrity Roast, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Charlie Sheen Will Never Escape The Brat Pack's Terrible Event Horizon, Comedy Central, Corey Feldman, Fel-Dog, Pauly Shore

By Smaktakula

It Should Be A Real Treat To Hear Some Jokes At Charlie Sheen's Expense.

No, Roasted.  We thought it said Toasted at first, too.  Degenerate punchline Charlie Sheen has been tapped for an upcoming Comedy Central Celebrity Roast.

Comedy Central’s search for an ‘honoree’ willing to subject him or herself to the always-brutal-but-increasingly-unfunny roasts has apparently become desperate. In selecting the crumbling former entertainer to anchor the two or so hours of televised nastiness, Comedy Central shows that no matter how thoroughly you scrub the toilet, the toughest grime clings tenaciously to the porcelain.

su·per·flu·ous

[soo-pur-floo-uhs] –adjective

1. being more than is sufficient or required; excessive.
2. unnecessary or needless.
3. Obsolete . possessing or spending more than enough or necessary; extravagant.

"I Don't Get It."

Some other big Hollywood stars yet to be given their own roast:

Scheduling Conflict. Starring In Lifetime TV Version Of "Mask: The Rocky Dennis Story."

Still Looking For That Damn Jacket.

"I Told Them I'd Do It For Free, But Nobody's Called Me Yet."

Stupid Show Now Even More Stupider

18 Wednesday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Ashton Kutcher, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Demi Moore, geriatric sex, May-December romances, prettyboys, Punk'd, shitty TV shows, stupid people, That 70s Show, TV for idiots, TV makes you stupid, Two and a Half Men, untalented stars, Why am I so stupid?

By Smaktakula

"If'n That Funny-Ass Show Don't Come Back To The Moving-Picture Box, I's Gonna Drink Some Turpentine An' Die. That's What I'm Fixin' To Do."

Across the nation, morons who love bad TV are screeching with joy and hurling their own feces at one another upon the news that Two and a Half Men will be returning to television.  Fans of vapid entertainment were disheartened in recent months by reports of the inane series’ demise following the implosion of the show’s star, toothless pharmaceutical experiment Charlie Sheen.  However, as they have so many times in the past, the doomsayers prognosticating Two and a Half Men‘s demise have vastly underestimated the American public’s rapacious appetite for all things vulgar and grotesque.

The Many Faces Of The Master Thespian: This One's Called "Gay & Crazy."

Two and a Half Men will continue to dumb up the airwaves for at least another season, thanks to the arrival of minimally-talented prettyboy Ashton Kutcher.  Kutcher is best known for his roles in That 70s Show and Punk’d, as well as for banging an old lady.

Despite Her Age, Demi Works Hard To Keep Her Body Lean.

Two and a Half Men‘s producers acknowledge that Kutcher brings neither star power nor charisma to the show, and admit that the replacement actor’s mushy intellect makes the cocaine and whiskey-befuddled Charlie Sheen seem like Alan Greenspan in comparison.  They counter, however, that as a living, breathing organism, Kutcher is more than qualified to play the 1.0 men which the script requires.

The Mind-Numbing Complacency Inspired By 'Two And A Half Men' Saves Lives.

Charlie Sheen Downgraded From ‘Douchebag’ Status In Light Of Illness

04 Monday Apr 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Music, Stupidity

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

batshit crazy, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Charlie Sheen is batshit crazy, Charlie Sheen Will Never Escape The Brat Pack's Terrible Event Horizon, Chicago, death by Special Fred, Detroit, douchebaggery, dweebs, geeks, Illinois, LARPers, mental illness, mental illness is not funny, Michigan, My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Death is Not an Option, nerds, Special Fred, Special Olympics, the Warlock, trainwrecks, winning

By Smaktakula

Seriously, Charlie Isn't Even Trying To Make It Difficult For Us Anymore.

After lengthy consultations with prominent physicians, lawyers and spiritual advisors, Promethean Times has agreed to conditionally rescind Charlie Sheen’s douchebag status.  The doomed former television personality’s obvious mental illness likely indicates a complete lack of control over his own life and career, both of which are in freefall.

Possibly the only individual in the Western World not fully cognizant of the pathetic nature of the actor’s plight is the Warlock himself.  The toothless cretin received a warm reaction from a Chicago audience during staging of his spectacle, My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Death is Not an Option, despite being nearly booed off the stage at the debut in Detroit.

Also Called 'The Warlock,' But He Had The Name First. If You Don't Believe Him, As His Mom. She Worked On The Costume.

Along with thousands and perhaps millions of other publications, Promethean Times has repeatedly mocked Sheen in the past.  We’re going to try really hard not to do so in the future.

Seemingly overnight, picking on Charlie Sheen has become like heckling an athlete at the Special Olympics.  Sure, it seems like a good idea, and it’s pretty easy to do–but it leaves you spiritually untethered and consumed with bitter self-loathing.

"Dude, You Were Warned To Stop Saying That Shit. Now Freddy's Gonna Have To Make You Bleed."

Belgians: The World’s Most Evil People

07 Monday Mar 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Crime, Culture

≈ 59 Comments

Tags

ad hominem, Adolf Hitler, Ann Coulter, Belgium, Charlie Sheen, Chocolate, conqueror tongue, elder abuse, evil, facts, kicking puppies, Low Countries, oh yeah we go ad hominem with a quickness!, outright lies, Smaktakula's ability to hold a grudge

By Smaktakula

Were you expecting charts and hard numbers?  Facts only slow us down; we ride ad hominem here.

The People Of This Quaint And Lovely Low-Lying Land Are Known For Making Delicious Confections Such As Chocolate, As Well As For Their National Passion For Kicking Puppies And The Elderly.

What do you care, anyway?  You’re not from Belgium, and probably don’t speak a word of Belgish.

Some Famous Belgians:

During his one and only visit to Belgium, a Flemish cop made Smaktakula’s girlfriend cry.  True story. ∞T.

Charlie Sheen Surrenders Custody Of Kids

02 Wednesday Mar 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, News

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bad parents, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Charlie Sheen Will Never Escape The Brat Pack's Terrible Event Horizon, child endangerment, custody battle, inebriate, infants, serial impregnator, Twins, Won't somebody please think of the children?

By Smaktakula

Sheen Probably Spends Too Much Time Riding Bareback.

More bad news for cretinous serial impregnator and former television personality Charlie Sheen: Last night the authorities arrived at Sheen’s Beverly Hills residence to remove the actor’s twin sons from his custody.

At Least This Child Doesn't Appear To Be His Own.

Although very little is known at this time, the question on everybody’s lips is:

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?  UNTIL YESTERDAY, CHARLIE SHEEN WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE SAFETY OF TWO HUMAN INFANTS?  HOLY SHIT!”

"Whatever, Dude. I'll Just Make More."

Charlie Got No Teefuses!

11 Friday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

bad teeth, Celebrity Death Watch, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Charlie Sheen Will Never Escape The Brat Pack's Terrible Event Horizon, delirium tremens, dentures, drugs, DTs, fellatio, gold digger, Kacey Jordan, Neil Armstrong, Polident, poor dental hygiene, porn stars, prostitution, Shane MacGowan, skanks, skonks, so sad, teefuses, wretched, you got a real purty mouth

By Smaktakula

Charlie's DTs Have Grown So Severe That He Now Believes Himself To Be Stalked By A Miniaturized Neil Armstrong, Who Tries Desperately To Fellate The Falling Star.

Cretinous 24-Hour party person Charlie Sheen has managed to keep his winning smile throughout his myriad legal and personal woes.  However, like so much else in Hollywood, it turns out that Sheen’s pearly whites are fakes, his toothy grin the result of porcelain and Polident.

Just To Clarify: When You Say 'Size Doesn't Matter,' Are You Talking About The Beak Or The Rack?

This  comes straight from the spunky mouth of Kacey Jordan, who spent time with the self-destructing TV personality during his recent 36-hour coke binge.  Jordan, who is delightedly making herself a talk-show sensation at Sheen’s expense, calls herself an adult actress because she is paid to have sex on camera.  However, as she also receives payment for non-filmed sex, she can add ‘whore’ to her list of credits.

Good News For Charlie: "My Dentist Thinks He Can Save Two Of 'Em!"

Jordan says that most of Sheen’s remaining handful of teeth are gold, and that the actor wears a porcelain bridge to prevent young children from screaming when they see him pass.  According to Jordan, the reason for this is clear: “Drugs.”  Jordan is not a doctor, but she has played a naughty nurse on several occasions, giving her the confidence to make this medical diagnosis.

So, That Thing On Your Lip . . .

If these sad revelations contain even a grain of truth, Sheen has fallen even further than anyone could have guessed.  It is too late to wish the former star a normal life, but perhaps not too late to simply hope for his continuing survival.  The upshot of Sheen’s grotesque smile contains at least one positive, however. The actor’s dental woes should serve him well during his next stint in prison, where smooth, slick gums are highly prized.

Shane MacGowan

"Freeing Myself From The Slavery Of The Toothbrush Was The Best Thing I Ever Did. It Hardly Hurts Any More, And The Ladies Don't Mind That I Talk Like I've Got A Mouthful Of Snot."

Sheen’s Latest Rampage Results In Institutionalization

28 Thursday Oct 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

anger issues, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Charlie Sheen Will Never Escape The Brat Pack's Terrible Event Horizon, Charlie's 'O' face, cocaine, domestic abuse, domestic violence, drugs, hysterical screaming, overpaid performers, porn stars, psychological evaluation, substance abuse, untalented stars

By Smaktakula

Sheen's Latest Escapade Reportedly Involves A Naked Porn Star And Quite A Bit Of Screaming.

Charlie Sheen’s tenuous hold on sanity took another hit recently after a bizarre hotel incident found the notorious wife-beater institutionalized and forced to undergo a psychological evaluation.  Until this incident, Sheen’s most recent confinement had been an August rehab stint prompted by yet another domestic abuse accusation.

Sheen's Behavior Is Becoming Increasingly Erratic. Lately Sheen Has Claimed To Be 'Southside Pete,' A Tough-As-Nails Vietnam Vet Trying To Find His Way In A Country That Never Welcomed Him Back.

Although details are slowly emerging, Sheen’s latest cry for help is shrouded in mystery.  Like most of Sheen’s crimes, a woman is involved.  Surprisingly, she does not appear to have been the victim of any physical violence.  However, various accounts detail several recurring themes from the actor’s oeuvre: a hotel room, cocaine, booze, a naked skank, an improbable explanation and a delusional, screaming Sheen.

The Actor's Slow Descent Into Debauched Madness Used To Be Funny. It's Still Just As Funny, But Now Rather Sad, Too.

If Sheen’s increasingly irrational behavior hasn’t yet been a wake-up call for the studio enablers who have made him the highest paid actor on television, perhaps this latest episode will convey the message  that unless someone acts quickly and decisively, they’ll be left with One and a half Men.

Don't Be Alarmed. This Is Just Charlie's 'O' Face.

Did I Do That?: When Urkels Attack

23 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Crime, News

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

"Did I do that?", anger management, breast implants, Bridget Hardy, broken toilets, Charlie Sheen, domestic violence, dorks, douchebaggery, Family Matters, former child stars, geeks, has-been, infidelity, Jaleel White, Jerkel, nerds, spazzes, spousal abuse, Trivial Pursuit, untalented stars, Urkel, weirdos, Where Are They Now?

By Smaktakula

In a classy move right out of the Sheen Playbook, Trivial Pursuit answer Jaleel ‘Urkel’ White is accused of beating the mother of his child.  Bridget Hardy, white’s ex-girlfriend, alleges that the former child star punched her in one of her breast implants and later shoved her into a toilet hard enough to break it, as well as engaging in other violent and threatening activities.

Jerkel: The Has-Been Became Enraged And Accused Hardy Of Infidelity When It Was Revealed That Her Child Was Good Looking And Not At All Socially Awkward.

Tell Facebook What This Also-Ran Has Been Up To

Colorado No Longer Among The Minority Of States Where Charlie Sheen Has No Criminal Record

20 Friday Aug 2010

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, Culture, News

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

addiction, alcohol, Carlos Irwin Estevez, Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen is a drugged-out wifebeater, Charlie Sheen Will Never Escape The Brat Pack's Terrible Event Horizon, Colorado, domestic violence, douchebaggery, drug addiction, drugs, jackassery, laugh track, Look Who's Talking?, Max Headroom, Pauly Shore, rehab, substance abuse, tabloid headline, Three Men and a Baby, untalented stars, White Power

By Smaktakula

Cretinous tabloid headline Charlie Sheen is heading back to rehab at the court’s insistence.  Sheen is to spend thirty days at a rehabilitation facility, followed by thirty days of probation.  This makes it a full sixty days before he can go on a bender or backhand the woman he loves without automatically going back to jail.

Jenny Was Playing So Well, Too. It Was Such A Shame That She Had To Hit Herself In The Face With Her Racquet Five Times.

For a brief moment in the late 1980s and early 1990s, Sheen was thought to be on the verge of movie stardom.  This becomes somewhat more understandable when it is remembered that the same era gave us the Look Who’s Talking? and Three Men And A Baby franchises, Max Headroom and funnyman Pauly Shore.

Sheen is reportedly eager to serve out his time and get clean.  Following that, it’s expected he’ll return to doing what he does best: intoning shitty material that wouldn’t even be recognizable as an attempt at humor without the Pavlovian laugh track to squeeze some chuckles from the mouth-breathing audience.

His best shot at continued success is to stick to a simple formula: Don’t hit the bottle, don’t hit the wife.

Sheen, Seen Here At A White Power Rally, Has Shed Every Last Vestige Of The Human Being Named Carlos Estevez.

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  • My Friend Joey Park, Part III
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  • My Friend Joey Park, Part I
  • Headlines: In Which No Puppies Were Harmed Or Abducted
  • Profiles in Loutishness
  • Bet Your Bottom Dollar That Tomorrow
  • Mea Culpa: 55 Cent
  • Goat Mayo
  • Headlines: More News We Don’t Understand
  • The Aging Gunslinger
  • Hungarian Fone Kard
  • Fresh Socks For Homeless Walter
  • I’m An Ass, And I’m Sorry
  • Headlines: I Was A Caveman’s Love-Puppet
  • Untruth & Consequences: Debriefing
  • To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before
  • My Missing Medal
  • Promethean Times Questions Existence Of Sri Lanka
  • Headlines: Shaking And Stirred

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