07 Tuesday Jun 2011
Tags
21st Century, Alabama, cultural backwater, Darwin Wand, evolution, forced evolution, NASCAR, natural selection, Talladega, things which don't exist but should, Why am I so stupid?
The Darwin Wand, a wondrous magical artifact that allows its wielder to selectively bring a culturally-anachronistic target into the 21st Century, sadly does not exist.
After Receiving A Series Of Darwin Treatments, The Residents Of Talladega, Alabama Enjoy An Evening Of NASCAR.
03 Thursday Feb 2011
Tags
1980s, 21st Century, America's obsession with safety, automobile, automobile accidents, Baby on Board, bad drivers, child safety seats, cost-effective, death by automobile, feel-good policies, George Carlin, Godzilla, infrastructure, Japan, ready-to-use, safety, safety scams, traffic safety, Won't somebody please think of the children?
Let The Other Drivers Know That Your Precious Cargo Supersedes Their Selfish Need To Arrive On Time.
Statistics back it up: despite millions of new cars on the road ever year, the highway is becoming a safer place worldwide. The reasons for this happy trend are myriad, among them: improving infrastructures, increased awareness about driver’s safety and stricter laws regarding intoxicated driving. No factor has been more significant in lowering automobile deaths per capita than has the rapid development of safety technology. It is possible today to walk away from an accident which might have proved fatal only thirty years ago.
Human Gestation Typically Lasts 37 To 40 Weeks. Tattoos, Like Stupidity, Last A Lifetime.
But in today’s world of bleeding edge technology and gee-whiz science, is there still room for an old standby like Baby on Board?
Because Children Stop The Traffic.
Baby on Board proved to be a dazzling innovation in automobile safety when it was first introduced in the heady years of the late 1980s. Moreover, by being extremely cost-effective–individual units cost pennies to make, but retailed for as much as $10–the safety measure meshed nicely with the era’s affinity for recklessly high profits.
Translation: "Honorable Godzilla: As There Is In This Car A Young Child, It Would Be Most Pleasing To The Child's Family If You Could Contain For A Few Moments Your Cretaceous Rage And Avoid Incinerating The Child With Your Radioactive Breath Or Smashing It To Dust With Your Magnificent Tail."
More than simply keeping costs down, the innovation’s simplicity appealed to the consumer. Baby on Board came ready-to-use, the unit taking typically no more than a few seconds to install in the vehicle’s rear window. Once mounted, the device would alert other drivers that young people (despite its name, Baby on Board applied to all children weighing less than 80 pounds) were in the vehicle. Those drivers would then heed this warning, waiting until the precious family was safely in the distance before resuming their reckless driving.
Literalism Is Neither Cute Nor Helpful.
Sadly, Baby on Board is rarely seen today. 21st Century drivers are more likely to place their trust in expensive technologies, and given the level of scientific innovation in safety this reliance may be well-founded. But it’s worth remembering the recent studies which show Baby on Board is at least as efficacious as are child safety seats.
25 Wednesday Aug 2010
Tags
21st Century, AIDS, American Freedoms, anti-skank bigotry, Barack Obama, bigotry, Brazil, Britney Spears, Canada, celebriskanks, China, Co-Ed Sex Tryouts, crazy bald Britney, death by stoning, Europe, Flower of American Skankhood, Girls Gone Wild, India, intolerance, Joe Francis, Kim Kardashian, Lawrence Fishburne, LiLo, Lindsay Lohan, man-skanks, Mary Kay Letourneau, Montana Fishburne, Nicole Ritchie, Obama Administration, Obama's war on skanks, Paris Hilton, prudery, sex tape, Sexual Revolution, Shannon Elizabeth, skankery, skankism, skanks, skonkery, skonks, straight-to-DVD, Tara Reid, Thailand, United States of America, Vili Fualaau
Flower of American Skankhood: LiLo Mimes Fellatio For An Approving Audience.
The 21st Century promises to be a cold one for women of easy virtue. Harlots, hos, sluts, wayward girls, hussies (both brazen and wanton), tramps, Run-Around Sues, bad girls, seductresses, chickenheads, homewreckers, libertines, gold diggers, skanks, loose women, hose-monsters, skeezers, camp tramps, tarts, women of ill repute and those of low moral fibre, free love enthusiasts, Sybarites, Jezebels, bimbos, wenches bawdy and tawdry, fuck buddies, the wrong sort, your friend’s cousin Sarah with the lazy eye, floozies, Lolitas, cougars, girls who you know, groupies, mattress backs, sure things, women named for places or emotions, hootchies, friends with benefits, supafreaks, poxy lasses, demimondes, succubi, skags, slags, vamps, the girl your mother warned you about and even the occasional adulteress have suddenly found themselves very much alone.
The Hard Part Isn't Someday Telling Your Children That You Participated In The Girls Gone Wild Co-Ed Sex Tryouts; It's Telling Them You Were Voted MVP Three Years Running.
It wasn’t always like this. Not so long ago tramps were a beloved, if not respected, part of the national social fabric. During the Sexual Revolution, strumpetry gained such a seemingly intractable foothold within Western culture that it appeared nothing–not even the AIDS virus–could stop it.
Forty short years later the world is a very different place. Awash in a wave of anti-skank sentiment, many countries are taking extreme measures to eliminate skankery altogether. India’s reputation for anti-skank bigotry–or skankism— is well-deserved. But the world hears little about skank repression in countries like China, where it is rumored that hos are forced to live in squalid re-education centers; or Iran, where strumpetry is punishable by stoning in some cases.
Today the United States and Canada, Eastern Europe and Thailand, are the last bastions of skankery. But even in these once-safe havens, it appears time is running out. In the United States, skankhood–long considered a cherished freedom by Americans–is facing a relentless attack.
FACT: How You View This Relationship Depends Upon Your Gender.
Not long ago, lifting up your shirt for a sweaty asshole with a camera would net you a shitty T-Shirt and enough self-loathing to last a lifetime. Now you only get the shame.
Circa 2006, a strategically released sex-tape was the best shot at success for moderately-to-very attractive but talentless ‘actresses.’ One has only to remember the meteoric rise to vacuous stardom of Hilton and Kim Kardashian after their sex tapes were released. But times have changed. Recently, when tiresome jackass Lawrence Fishburne’s daughter Montana attempted to gain publicity for her own intentionally released sex tape, she was given the cold shoulder by the press. The media sources all cited the usual reasons for the snub–questionable values, poor production and a complete lack of interest from the public due to Montana’s negligible body of work, etc.–but many feel that skankism is the cause.
Every Time Smaktakula Has Been In Paris He Has Quickly Regretted The Experience: It is Filthy, Pungent And Remarkable For Its Lack Of Native English-Speakers.
Skank arrests in the United States have more than quadrupled in the last few years. Among the more high-profile busts are such celebriskanks as Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie, or skank males–better known as skonks, such as oily pornographer, Joe Francis. Fearing for their safety, many skanks have gone underground. Others, such as actresses Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid and Shannon Elizabeth have pledged only to appear in no-budget straight-to-DVD productions until they are destigmatized. Britney Spears famously cut off her hair in protest.
Sorry Britney: Folks Just Aren't That Into Crazy Bald Chicks. Elton John Is The Exception Which Proves The Rule.
Will strumpets, tramps and hos become a nostalgic relic of yesteryear America, like the mighty buffalo which once covered the Great Plains? If the Obama Administration gets its way, the answer is yes. The Obama Administration has made it a top priority to end Skankism in the United States by 2024, with a broader goal of stamping out skankism world-wide by 2040.
Coming Soon: Obama v. Snooki
