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Tag Archives: Godzilla

Headlines 12.15.11

15 Thursday Dec 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, History, Music, News, Religion, Science, Sport, Stupidity

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Apolo Ohno, Ashton Kutcher, Britney Spears, childish sexual innuendo, Colorado, crackheads, Denver Broncos, Elizabeth Taylor, fat people, Finland, Godzilla, great white shark, headlines, Japan, Jesus Christ, Justin Bieber, Leonardo DiCaprio, Lindsay Lohan, Los Angeles, masturbation, moochers, Nadya Suleman, old people, Pauly D, rape, Tim Tebow, Tokyo, Twilight, Uranus

By Smaktakula
keegan fills 20 (Un)Intentionally Funny News Headlines

Reading Any Further Would Only Spoil The Fun.

In which we respond to the headlines, while ignoring the content.

***

Asians, Too, Mated With Archaic Humans, DNA Hints ~ So it’s not just Ashton Kutcher.

Did Lohan crash DiCaprio’s party? ~ Look, just because I let you blow me once doesn’t mean you can come to my parties.  Twice, whatever.  Get the fuck out.

Scientists plan Uranus probe ~ Heh.

Women Who Raped 17 Men Wanted More Than Just Sex ~ It took that long to find a man who was willing to cuddle.

Will Japan build a backup Tokyo? ~ Wouldn’t you?  One more Godzilla attack and that place is history.

Only The US And Chinese Militaries Have Caused More Damage To Japan’s Infrastructure.

LAPD investigates Bieber fan ~ Since when has liking shitty music been a crime?

Ex-Colorado Sheriff Accused of Trading Drugs for Sex Sits in Jail Named After Him ~ AWK-ward.

How the Finns stole Thanksgiving ~ On skis, just like they do everything else.

Apolo Ohno’s Secret Stress Reliever  ~ Masturbation, and lots of it.

Mobile cage lets divers cruise alongside great white sharks ~ Sharks counter with gigantic, fin-cranked can opener.

No, ‘crackheads’ won’t get you ~ And we’re just supposed to take your word for that?

Crack Aficionados: They Seem Cute On TV.

Los Angeles fire captain held in heroin sting ~ The fire captain is a boy.  Boys are called heroes.

Man goes a year without money ~ It takes friends far less time to learn to hate that moocher’s fucking guts.

Hip repair for Barry Manilow ~ It’ll take a lot of work.  Barry was never hip.

Opinion: Tebow can thank this guy for win ~ Is it Jesus?  It’s Jesus, isn’t it?

“Go Broncs!”

Vineyard owner says hiring citizen workers was failure ~ Interminable stories about darling grandchildren didn’t have the salutary effect the growers anticipated.

‘Octomom’ Nadya Suleman’s doctor wants license restored ~ He’s hardly the first dude to impregnate a dangerously unstable welfare mom.

Twilight may be hazardous to your health ~ Prolonged exposure will turn you into an eleven-year-old girl.

Brady makes little boy cry ~ Looks like the scandal doesn’t stop with Penn State.

Having to think about the unthinkable ~ Is, by definition, impossible.

Elizabeth Taylor’s look, for less ~ Eat lots & lots of fried foods.

This Is What Timeless Beauty Looks Like.

Why Islamists Are Better Democrats ~ Because the Republicans have a ‘No Arabs’ policy.

Housewife to pen memoir ~ This Floor Is Clean to appear in stores next spring!

The Cheapest People in America ~ Dude, you best remember who signs your paycheck.

Pauly D and Britney Spears Party in Puerto Rico  ~ At this point, it’s kinda hard to tell who’s slumming.

Live: Packers pounding Vikes on the way to 9-0 ~ You know, in certain circles that could mean a bunch of gay men are taking painkillers.  Maybe it does anyway.

Make Your Own Caption. We Suggest Something About “Roughing The Passer” Or “Tight End.”

What Has Come Before:

  • Promethean Times Responds To The Headlines
  • Headlines II
  • Headlines III
  • Headlines IV
  • Headlines V
  • Headlines VI
  • Headlines VII
  • Headlines VIII
  • Headlines IX
  • Headlines X

Sensitivity Levels Slowly Returning To Normal After Japanese Nuclear Disaster

13 Friday May 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History, News

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

atomic bomb, be sensitive or else, cosplay, earthquake, Enola Gay, fallout, Fukushima Nuclear Power Plant, Gilbert Gottfried, Godzilla, hypersensitivity, Japan, Japanese Nuclear Crisis, Land of the Rising Sun, nuclear disaster, safe to joke about, tsunami

By Smaktakula

The Biggest Danger Of Joking About A Nuclear Disaster Is The Potential Fallout.

At long last a damaged world is beginning to heal and learn to laugh again.  On March 11, a massive earthquake off Japan’s west coast set in motion a calamitous chain of events which would prove among the worst disasters (natural or otherwise) to befall humanity in its long and inglorious history.  The devastation caused by the quake was horrific enough, but the resultant tsunami added to the death toll and caused a critical equipment failure and subsequent release of radioactive material at the Fukushima Nuclear Power Plant.  Thousands of people died in the tragedy, and many more remain missing.   More still face unknown peril from the radiation leak. For the Japanese, and for anyone who has been affected by this epic tragedy, the pain continues.

In The Last Century, The Japanese Have Weathered innumerable Natural Disasters, Two Nukes And Dozens Of Giant Irradiated Monsters--They Can Take A Joke.

But for the rest of the world, it’s getting better.  As radiation levels around the stricken nuclear power plant begin to drop, so too does the level of sensitivity with which observers must approach this disaster.  In certain regions, the Japanese disaster is becoming safe for jokes.

Life In Japan Is Slowly Returning To Normal. However, Invariably, Mutations Will Occur.

Potential jokers are cautioned that jokes about this recent tragedy will remain in poor taste for some time, and as such may receive a bad reaction even in so-called ‘safe’ regions.  However, unless you’re working for Nintendo, Sony or another Japanese outfit, you’re no longer likely to be fired for telling one.

Timing Is Everyth--"AFLAC!"

The Japanese people, unable to list ‘well-developed sense of humor’ among their many national accomplishments, will most likely never see anything remotely funny about this catastrophe.  Still, if any people have proven their resilience in surviving not one, but two previous nuclear disasters, it’s those hardy folk in the Land of the Rising Sun.

Today's Horoscope: A Little Boy Will Bring A Big Surprise.

Baby On Board

03 Thursday Feb 2011

Posted by Smaktakula in Culture, History

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

1980s, 21st Century, America's obsession with safety, automobile, automobile accidents, Baby on Board, bad drivers, child safety seats, cost-effective, death by automobile, feel-good policies, George Carlin, Godzilla, infrastructure, Japan, ready-to-use, safety, safety scams, traffic safety, Won't somebody please think of the children?

By Smaktakula

Let The Other Drivers Know That Your Precious Cargo Supersedes Their Selfish Need To Arrive On Time.

Statistics back it up: despite millions of new cars on the road ever year, the highway is becoming a safer place worldwide.  The reasons for this happy trend are myriad, among them: improving infrastructures, increased awareness about driver’s safety and stricter laws regarding intoxicated driving.  No factor has been more significant in lowering automobile deaths per capita than has the rapid development of safety technology.  It is possible today to walk away from an accident which might have proved fatal only thirty years ago.

Human Gestation Typically Lasts 37 To 40 Weeks. Tattoos, Like Stupidity, Last A Lifetime.

But in today’s world of bleeding edge technology and gee-whiz science, is there still room for an old standby like Baby on Board?

Because Children Stop The Traffic.

Baby on Board proved to be a dazzling innovation in automobile safety when it was first introduced in the heady years of the late 1980s.  Moreover, by being extremely cost-effective–individual units cost pennies to make, but retailed for as much as $10–the safety measure meshed nicely with the era’s affinity for recklessly high profits.

Translation: "Honorable Godzilla: As There Is In This Car A Young Child, It Would Be Most Pleasing To The Child's Family If You Could Contain For A Few Moments Your Cretaceous Rage And Avoid Incinerating The Child With Your Radioactive Breath Or Smashing It To Dust With Your Magnificent Tail."

More than simply keeping costs down, the innovation’s simplicity appealed to the consumer.  Baby on Board came ready-to-use, the unit taking typically no more than a few seconds to install in the vehicle’s rear window.  Once mounted, the device would alert other drivers that young people (despite its name, Baby on Board applied to all children weighing less than 80 pounds) were in the vehicle.  Those drivers would then heed this warning, waiting until the precious family was safely in the distance before resuming their reckless driving.

Literalism Is Neither Cute Nor Helpful.

Sadly, Baby on Board is rarely seen today.  21st Century drivers are more likely to place their trust in expensive technologies, and given the level of scientific innovation in safety this reliance may be well-founded.  But it’s worth remembering the recent studies which show Baby on Board is at least as efficacious as are child safety seats.

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