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Tag Archives: Charlie Sheen Will Never Escape The Brat Pack’s Terrible Event Horizon

Charlie Sheen To Get Roasted

06 Wednesday Jul 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

It Should Be A Real Treat To Hear Some Jokes At Charlie Sheen's Expense.

No, Roasted.  We thought it said Toasted at first, too.  Degenerate punchline Charlie Sheen has been tapped for an upcoming Comedy Central Celebrity Roast.

Comedy Central’s search for an ‘honoree’ willing to subject him or herself to the always-brutal-but-increasingly-unfunny roasts has apparently become desperate. In selecting the crumbling former entertainer to anchor the two or so hours of televised nastiness, Comedy Central shows that no matter how thoroughly you scrub the toilet, the toughest grime clings tenaciously to the porcelain.

su·per·flu·ous

[soo-pur-floo-uhs] –adjective

1. being more than is sufficient or required; excessive.
2. unnecessary or needless.
3. Obsolete . possessing or spending more than enough or necessary; extravagant.

"I Don't Get It."

Some other big Hollywood stars yet to be given their own roast:

Scheduling Conflict. Starring In Lifetime TV Version Of "Mask: The Rocky Dennis Story."

Still Looking For That Damn Jacket.

"I Told Them I'd Do It For Free, But Nobody's Called Me Yet."

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Charlie Sheen Downgraded From ‘Douchebag’ Status In Light Of Illness

04 Monday Apr 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Music, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

Seriously, Charlie Isn't Even Trying To Make It Difficult For Us Anymore.

After lengthy consultations with prominent physicians, lawyers and spiritual advisors, Promethean Times has agreed to conditionally rescind Charlie Sheen’s douchebag status.  The doomed former television personality’s obvious mental illness likely indicates a complete lack of control over his own life and career, both of which are in freefall.

Possibly the only individual in the Western World not fully cognizant of the pathetic nature of the actor’s plight is the Warlock himself.  The toothless cretin received a warm reaction from a Chicago audience during staging of his spectacle, My Violent Torpedo of Truth/Death is Not an Option, despite being nearly booed off the stage at the debut in Detroit.

Also Called 'The Warlock,' But He Had The Name First. If You Don't Believe Him, As His Mom. She Worked On The Costume.

Along with thousands and perhaps millions of other publications, Promethean Times has repeatedly mocked Sheen in the past.  We’re going to try really hard not to do so in the future.

Seemingly overnight, picking on Charlie Sheen has become like heckling an athlete at the Special Olympics.  Sure, it seems like a good idea, and it’s pretty easy to do–but it leaves you spiritually untethered and consumed with bitter self-loathing.

"Dude, You Were Warned To Stop Saying That Shit. Now Freddy's Gonna Have To Make You Bleed."

Charlie Sheen Surrenders Custody Of Kids

02 Wednesday Mar 2011

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By Smaktakula

Sheen Probably Spends Too Much Time Riding Bareback.

More bad news for cretinous serial impregnator and former television personality Charlie Sheen: Last night the authorities arrived at Sheen’s Beverly Hills residence to remove the actor’s twin sons from his custody.

At Least This Child Doesn't Appear To Be His Own.

Although very little is known at this time, the question on everybody’s lips is:

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?  UNTIL YESTERDAY, CHARLIE SHEEN WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE SAFETY OF TWO HUMAN INFANTS?  HOLY SHIT!”

"Whatever, Dude. I'll Just Make More."

Charlie Got No Teefuses!

11 Friday Feb 2011

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By Smaktakula

Charlie's DTs Have Grown So Severe That He Now Believes Himself To Be Stalked By A Miniaturized Neil Armstrong, Who Tries Desperately To Fellate The Falling Star.

Cretinous 24-Hour party person Charlie Sheen has managed to keep his winning smile throughout his myriad legal and personal woes.  However, like so much else in Hollywood, it turns out that Sheen’s pearly whites are fakes, his toothy grin the result of porcelain and Polident.

Just To Clarify: When You Say 'Size Doesn't Matter,' Are You Talking About The Beak Or The Rack?

This  comes straight from the spunky mouth of Kacey Jordan, who spent time with the self-destructing TV personality during his recent 36-hour coke binge.  Jordan, who is delightedly making herself a talk-show sensation at Sheen’s expense, calls herself an adult actress because she is paid to have sex on camera.  However, as she also receives payment for non-filmed sex, she can add ‘whore’ to her list of credits.

Good News For Charlie: "My Dentist Thinks He Can Save Two Of 'Em!"

Jordan says that most of Sheen’s remaining handful of teeth are gold, and that the actor wears a porcelain bridge to prevent young children from screaming when they see him pass.  According to Jordan, the reason for this is clear: “Drugs.”  Jordan is not a doctor, but she has played a naughty nurse on several occasions, giving her the confidence to make this medical diagnosis.

So, That Thing On Your Lip . . .

If these sad revelations contain even a grain of truth, Sheen has fallen even further than anyone could have guessed.  It is too late to wish the former star a normal life, but perhaps not too late to simply hope for his continuing survival.  The upshot of Sheen’s grotesque smile contains at least one positive, however. The actor’s dental woes should serve him well during his next stint in prison, where smooth, slick gums are highly prized.

Shane MacGowan

"Freeing Myself From The Slavery Of The Toothbrush Was The Best Thing I Ever Did. It Hardly Hurts Any More, And The Ladies Don't Mind That I Talk Like I've Got A Mouthful Of Snot."

Sheen’s Latest Rampage Results In Institutionalization

28 Thursday Oct 2010

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By Smaktakula

Sheen's Latest Escapade Reportedly Involves A Naked Porn Star And Quite A Bit Of Screaming.

Charlie Sheen’s tenuous hold on sanity took another hit recently after a bizarre hotel incident found the notorious wife-beater institutionalized and forced to undergo a psychological evaluation.  Until this incident, Sheen’s most recent confinement had been an August rehab stint prompted by yet another domestic abuse accusation.

Sheen's Behavior Is Becoming Increasingly Erratic. Lately Sheen Has Claimed To Be 'Southside Pete,' A Tough-As-Nails Vietnam Vet Trying To Find His Way In A Country That Never Welcomed Him Back.

Although details are slowly emerging, Sheen’s latest cry for help is shrouded in mystery.  Like most of Sheen’s crimes, a woman is involved.  Surprisingly, she does not appear to have been the victim of any physical violence.  However, various accounts detail several recurring themes from the actor’s oeuvre: a hotel room, cocaine, booze, a naked skank, an improbable explanation and a delusional, screaming Sheen.

The Actor's Slow Descent Into Debauched Madness Used To Be Funny. It's Still Just As Funny, But Now Rather Sad, Too.

If Sheen’s increasingly irrational behavior hasn’t yet been a wake-up call for the studio enablers who have made him the highest paid actor on television, perhaps this latest episode will convey the message  that unless someone acts quickly and decisively, they’ll be left with One and a half Men.

Don't Be Alarmed. This Is Just Charlie's 'O' Face.

Colorado No Longer Among The Minority Of States Where Charlie Sheen Has No Criminal Record

20 Friday Aug 2010

Posted by in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, Culture, News

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By Smaktakula

Cretinous tabloid headline Charlie Sheen is heading back to rehab at the court’s insistence.  Sheen is to spend thirty days at a rehabilitation facility, followed by thirty days of probation.  This makes it a full sixty days before he can go on a bender or backhand the woman he loves without automatically going back to jail.

Jenny Was Playing So Well, Too. It Was Such A Shame That She Had To Hit Herself In The Face With Her Racquet Five Times.

For a brief moment in the late 1980s and early 1990s, Sheen was thought to be on the verge of movie stardom.  This becomes somewhat more understandable when it is remembered that the same era gave us the Look Who’s Talking? and Three Men And A Baby franchises, Max Headroom and funnyman Pauly Shore.

Sheen is reportedly eager to serve out his time and get clean.  Following that, it’s expected he’ll return to doing what he does best: intoning shitty material that wouldn’t even be recognizable as an attempt at humor without the Pavlovian laugh track to squeeze some chuckles from the mouth-breathing audience.

His best shot at continued success is to stick to a simple formula: Don’t hit the bottle, don’t hit the wife.

Sheen, Seen Here At A White Power Rally, Has Shed Every Last Vestige Of The Human Being Named Carlos Estevez.

Not What You Were Looking For?

07 Wednesday Jul 2010

Posted by in Cinema, Crime, Critters, Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, Hollywood, Humor, Movies, People, Race, Relationships, Television, Terrorism, World Affairs

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By Smaktakula

We would like to believe that of the nearly 800,000 hits* Promethean Times receives daily, each is a reader who set out specifically to find us.  Of course, this is sometimes not the case.

Here are some of the keywords (noted by boldface) used by folks whom we suspect–and in one or two cases, hope–found us by accident.

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Morris the Cat baseball We couldn’t help this guy out, but we’re just glad somebody read Smaktakula’s piece on Morris.

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proud herpes There’s a proud kind?  Damn.  Smaktakula  kinda wishes he hadn’t rushed out and bought the shameful kind.

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shannon price evil And a cooze!

pictures mexican children No, however we are in possession of some awesome nude shots of your mom.  Inquire for purchase.

what are the pathos at walmart Damn, Confucius, we could meditate on that Zen koan for years.  In the meantime, try this.

fuck off marijuana Indeed. And take the hippies with you!

charlie sheen first amendment It’s true that Mr. Sheen is a first-rate legal scholar, but we examine other aspects of the Sheen Mystique here and here.

is milton bradley crazy Yes, he is.

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indian sniper We can do that.

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*Note: This figure may not correspond with reality.

Some Portion Of Charlie Sheen’s Brain Miraculously Unravaged By Syphilis

19 Wednesday May 2010

Posted by in Drug Culture, Drugs, General Foolishness, Hollywood, People, Relationships, Satire, Television

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Despicable wife-beater and inebriate Charlie Sheen has wisely chosen to stick with his awful show.         

Promethean Times applauds Mr. Sheen’s decision to follow our advice.  Furthermore, we would like to remind readers that it couldn’t have been easy for the once-promising actor to accept the grim fact that, barring an improbably lucrative string of Hot Shots! and Wall Street sequels, he is destined to forever remain the Vast Wasteland’s bitch.           

WARNING: Staring Too Long At This Photo May Result In A Case Of The Crotch Lobsters.

Watch The Wind-Up Monkey Of The Post-Haim Era Continue To Bang Away: Charlie Sheen Returning to Two and a Half Men – PEOPLE TV Watch.           

Smaktakula