Tag Archives: Pauly Shore

The Zeitgeist Has Forsaken Tardsie

03 Monday Dec 2012

Posted by in Celebrity, Culture, Entertainment, True-Ass Tales

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By Tardsie

Apparently This Space-Waster Is A Recent American Idol Winner. We’re None The Richer For The Knowledge.

The following recent conversation between my wife and I should illustrate the vast and yawning gulf that separates my psyche from the popular culture. I had just learned that an acquaintance of my in-laws had worked closely in some capacity with entertainer Shania Twain.

When You Find Yourself Nostalgic For The Days Of Pauly Shore, Andrew “Dice” Clay And Max Headroom, You Know The Culture’s In A Sad State.

Tardsie: Shania Twain. Is she the chick from American Idol?

Mrs. Tardsie: I don’t know, but that doesn’t sound right.

Tardsie: Then is she the one married to that country music guy? You know, the pitcher’s son, whatsizname–Tim McGraw?

Mrs. Tardsie: I don’t know…(Stabs at her iPhone for a few moments)…No, it says he’s married to Faith Hill.

Tardsie: Isn’t that the chick from the Fugees?

And It’s Not Such A Stretch Either That One Of These Guys Could Be Named “Shania.”

Please Don’t Vote Stupid!

04 Sunday Nov 2012

Posted by in Culture, News, Politics, Stupidity

≈ 29 Comments

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By Smaktakula

In The Land Of The Free, It’s Just Something You Have To Do.

With the 2012 Presidential Election at last coming to its ugly and no-doubt contentious conclusion, the American public is eager for the cessation of those unpleasantries attendant with any election year, but which have become especially pronounced in recent years. The most ubiquitous among these are the dizzying array of inescapable political ads which ruin commercial breaks and jam the nation’s mailboxes and inboxes, replete with well-moneyed half-truths and contradictory claims designed to fool the very stupid. No less odious are the half-witted, hyper-strident statements made in public and on social media by partisans of all stripes, armed with questionable facts and subjective statistics culled conveniently from publications which mirror their dogmatically monomaniacal beliefs.

Folks, We Don’t Want You To Get The Idea That You MUST Vote. Particularly If You Aren’t Prepared To Vote Responsibly.

Most insidious of all, however, is a widely held misconception which is quickly gaining an acceptance so entrenched as to render it a bedrock tenet of the American mythology, and unless quickly checked, will continue to fill the hallways of power in Washington with ineffectual partisan functionaries perpetually running for re-election. This misconception most often takes form in the platitude,  ‘It’s vital to our democracy that everyone vote.’  Ignoring for the sake of argument the contention that the United States is a democracy,¹ the idea of voting at all costs, despite your head being firmly entrenched within your nether-regions, is a perfectly horrible notion.

He’s Right When He Says The Last Four Years Aren’t His Fault. They’re Yours.

But the idea takes shape further in the notion that if you don’t vote, you can’t complain, meaning only those who directly participate in the electoral process have a right to express dissatisfaction with the nation’s leadership. This is at best iffy logic in a society where freedom of speech is enshrined more highly than direct representation.  And yet, if we follow this flawed logic, we see that like those who didn’t bother to vote, those who voted for the winning candidate have also forfeited their right to complain. In fact, the only people with a right to complain are those who voted for the other guy.

The Great Thing About Mitt Romney Is That He Offers Choice–There Are Like 13 Different Versions Of The Man–You Can Vote For The One You Find Least Offensive.

***

They Told Her It Said “SLUT.”

By All Means, Take Your Political Advice From A Dude Who Can’t Decide Which Ridiculous Name To Call Himself From One Week To The Next.

You Still Think It’s Important For ‘Everyone’ To Vote?

Because It Feels So Good To Pretend To Know What You’re Talking About.

“24-Inch Pythons” Won’t Help You Vote Responsibly.

“They Voted Me In.”

***

¹In fact it is not.  The United States of America is, and always has been, a democratic republic.  We refer to the United States as a democracy because it’s easier, and because Americans are just a little bit stupid. ∞T.

Headlines 05.18.12

18 Friday May 2012

Posted by in Culture, Entertainment

≈ 14 Comments

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By Smaktakula

Despite The Severity Of The Accident, Nobody Felt A Thing.

In which we respond to the headlines without reading the articles. Reading is for the weak.

Why This Isn’t ‘The Most Important Election’ ~ Because they can’t ALL be, right?

Cool or creepy? It kisses back ~ Depends on what ‘It’ is.

Secret Service Reportedly Bragged About Obama In Brothel ~ So you’re just gonna take the hooker’s word for it?

Packers aide whose son died gets Miami job ~ So the story has a happy ending after all.

Drink a couple of beers & you might ace a test ~ Not a field sobriety test, though. Be warned.

In Fact, Not Every Time Is Miller Time.

7 ways to fix weird odors ~ 1) Bathe. 2) Bathe again. 3) Cologne. 4) Bathe. 5) Bathe. 6) 1 hour of intensive burlap dermabrasion therapy. 7) Bathe.

Popular Antibiotic May Raise Risk of Sudden Death ~Wait! They’re taking cardio-arrhythmocin off the market?

First-time porno viewer sees his wife in film ~ Yeah, ‘first time.’

Actress ‘can’t look away’ from boob jobs ~ We’re the same way.

They Have Their Own Gravitational Field; Light Itself Is Bent To Their Evil Desires.

Beaten for being born a girl? ~ Pussy can make men do crazy things.

23 Zoo Animals That Will Eat Your Children ~ 23 fun new ways to relieve yourself of an unwanted burden.

Iranian president: Israel ‘nothing more than a mosquito’ to Iran ~ No fair! We get in a whole mess of trouble when we call Jews ‘bloodsuckers.’

Can You Call a 9-Year-Old a Psychopath? ~ Pfft. We’ve called 9 year-olds a whole lot worse.

Why Wrigley Field Must Be Destroyed ~ Well, for one thing, if occupied at the time of destruction, it would go a long way toward solving America’s obesity epidemic.

Unlike The Previous Pic, Those Babies Are Real.

World record holder for ‘longest time to live with a bullet in the head’ dies ~ Pauly Shore–are you reading this? We may have just discovered your way back into the public eye!

Group argues weed is safer than booze ~ Unfortunately, they were arguing with a group of drunks, who promptly assaulted them. There were tearful apologies the next morning of course, but that doesn’t change the fact that Skeeter got a bottle shoved in his eye.

Because How Often Does A Stoner Throw A Punch?

Study: Heavy teens have trouble managing diabetes ~ Whereas physically fit teens have trouble contracting the malady.

2 teen girls who fell asleep while sunbathing on Pa. road are struck by car … ~ We can’t help but see this as a big win for the gene pool.

What’s the reason for Dodgers’ early surge? ~ Awesomeness, mostly. Pure awesomeness.

Women with PMS are better at seeing snakes ~ And that, folks, is absolutely the most positive spin they’re able to put on it.

Do Yourself A Favor: Stay Away.

‘Marrying down’ now is trending among women ~ Like that’s new. Hello? Smaktakula’s married!

Teen texts cops: ‘I hid the body … now what?’ ~ Now you cut off the fingertips and smash the teeth, making future identification of your victim more difficult for the authorities. Next, cover the body in lime to aid in decomposition. Lastly, as tempting as it may be to make a tearful, drunken confession to a close friend who will then inevitably turn you into the authorities, you’re best served by keeping your mouth shut. You’ll do it, though. You’ll talk.

Obama falls to Earth as just a politician ~ It happened a while ago, actually. The press is just now picking up on it.

How much can you trust a diagnosis from Dr. Google? ~ Seriously? Change your name, Creepo, and stay away from gynaecology altogether.

“Hey, Sweets…Maybe You Want To *heh heh* Have A Few Drinks *heh* Before You Come In.”

Charlie Sheen To Get Roasted

06 Wednesday Jul 2011

Posted by in Celebrity, News, Stupidity

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By Smaktakula

It Should Be A Real Treat To Hear Some Jokes At Charlie Sheen's Expense.

No, Roasted.  We thought it said Toasted at first, too.  Degenerate punchline Charlie Sheen has been tapped for an upcoming Comedy Central Celebrity Roast.

Comedy Central’s search for an ‘honoree’ willing to subject him or herself to the always-brutal-but-increasingly-unfunny roasts has apparently become desperate. In selecting the crumbling former entertainer to anchor the two or so hours of televised nastiness, Comedy Central shows that no matter how thoroughly you scrub the toilet, the toughest grime clings tenaciously to the porcelain.

su·per·flu·ous

[soo-pur-floo-uhs] –adjective

1. being more than is sufficient or required; excessive.
2. unnecessary or needless.
3. Obsolete . possessing or spending more than enough or necessary; extravagant.

"I Don't Get It."

Some other big Hollywood stars yet to be given their own roast:

Scheduling Conflict. Starring In Lifetime TV Version Of "Mask: The Rocky Dennis Story."

Still Looking For That Damn Jacket.

"I Told Them I'd Do It For Free, But Nobody's Called Me Yet."

Colorado No Longer Among The Minority Of States Where Charlie Sheen Has No Criminal Record

20 Friday Aug 2010

Posted by in Celebrity, Cinema, Crime, Culture, News

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By Smaktakula

Cretinous tabloid headline Charlie Sheen is heading back to rehab at the court’s insistence.  Sheen is to spend thirty days at a rehabilitation facility, followed by thirty days of probation.  This makes it a full sixty days before he can go on a bender or backhand the woman he loves without automatically going back to jail.

Jenny Was Playing So Well, Too. It Was Such A Shame That She Had To Hit Herself In The Face With Her Racquet Five Times.

For a brief moment in the late 1980s and early 1990s, Sheen was thought to be on the verge of movie stardom.  This becomes somewhat more understandable when it is remembered that the same era gave us the Look Who’s Talking? and Three Men And A Baby franchises, Max Headroom and funnyman Pauly Shore.

Sheen is reportedly eager to serve out his time and get clean.  Following that, it’s expected he’ll return to doing what he does best: intoning shitty material that wouldn’t even be recognizable as an attempt at humor without the Pavlovian laugh track to squeeze some chuckles from the mouth-breathing audience.

His best shot at continued success is to stick to a simple formula: Don’t hit the bottle, don’t hit the wife.

Sheen, Seen Here At A White Power Rally, Has Shed Every Last Vestige Of The Human Being Named Carlos Estevez.

Not What You Were Looking For? Episode Three: The Search For Cock

09 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by in Baseball, Crime, Critters, Culture, Drug Culture, General Foolishness, Music, People, Race, Sports, World Affairs

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By Smaktakula

Presenting the third installment in our wildly popular series: Not What You Were Looking For?  In which we list some of the search engine terms (indicated in bold) by which you found us, and for which you should rightly be ashamed. 

You might also enjoy Still Not What You Were Looking For?  Conversely, you might really dislike it.  It’s not for us to decide.

promeethean times  And wee’re off!

cock riders  The preferred term is Weekend Motorcycle Club.

unemployment lazy   Yeah, folks weren’t too crazy about that one.

skankist  You’ll want to keep your eye out for our upcoming multi-part expose on skankism, ‘Skanks In The Crosshairs,” appearing some time in the next few weeks.  In the meantime, please enjoy.

sexy dick in mouth non  Oui!

obama rethinking marijuana  Will he rethink that rap video?

be glad you’re not that guy   Oh, we are.

sexy man spaghetti  Um.

anti george sherrill  You’ll find a home here, friend.

jay bush bean prison  If he’s not on the lookout for canine chicanery, Jay Bush might very well end his days in a Mexican jail.  And for Duke, the glue factory.

athretes  Their parents taste rearry, rearry good.

michael lohan cock  Isn’t he though?

fred phelps secret  The secret is that he’s a raging homo.

fat people running  Hmm, there’s something about this . . .

children running of the bulls spain   . . . and this, that gives Smaktakula hope that with some creative thinking, America might someday lick its little obesity problem. 

donkey cock   Are we naive to believe that you’re an early Eighties video game enthusiast with comically poor spelling?

walt stoelting blog  Sorry, Comrade–You’re thinking of Walt’s blog, Ruminations of a Junkie for Politics, or as we call it around here, Confessions of an America-Hating Man-Jezebel.

wyclef jean val jean bernard aristide  Oh, very clever.  We see what you did, combining future and former Haitian presidents Wyclef Jean and Jean Bernard Aristide with Jean Valjean, the doomed protagonist of Victor Hugo’s 19th Century French masterpiece, Les Miserables.  Actually, that is pretty clever.  And pointless.

pauly shore weed  It would explain a lot.

safe horse fuck movies  We know what all four of those words mean, but they don’t seem to work as a quartet.

miley cyrus delusional  Totally.

abigail folger  Isn’t she the young lady Tiger banged as an undergraduate at Stanford?

olive garden people   They’re not people.  THE FOOD IS PEOPLE! Oh, wait–no, sorry; the food is crap.  We were thinking of Soylent Green.

the violence and madness of arab muslim  Sounds like you’ve got your title all picked out.  We can’t help you.

nurses with dreadlocks Uh huh.  Good . . . very good.  Okay, now tell us what they’re wearing.  TELL US WHAT THEY’RE WEARING!

beautiful dreadlock guy  He’s not blond, we can tell you that much.

pakistani penis  Unfortunately, we’re out of that particular link.  How about some Turkish Tool?  No?  Mauritanian Meat-Sword?

elderly remote  Old people should not be allowed to handle the remote. 

penis in bosses mouth   Shh. Hush now, Boss.  Smaktakula isn’t paying you to talk.

dirty mullet  Is there any other kind?

happy thoughts  Happy to oblige! 

drugged raver  Fish in a barrel, man.  Fish in a barrel.

lorena bobbit and bull penis  We’re unclear as to what you hoped to find.  No, that’s quite all right–we don’t need to understand.

live aid  Damn it, Freddie Mercury, we hope you die! . . .What?  He did?  How? . . . Oh . . . Oh God, no. Why doesn’t anybody tell us about these things?  We’re so, so sorry.

asshole hairstyles   So do you mean . . .?  No, we’re sure you mean hairstyles that make you look like an asshole.  Pretty sure.

k2 inhalants  Thanks to Chinese technological know-how and the can-do spirit of the sweatshop, stoners now have a legal chemical alternative by which to get their fix.

black man cock  Really?  In 2010?  Promethean Times doesn’t judge a man by the color of his penis.  We do judge by length and thickness, however.  You have been warned.

vagina  Okay, this one’s a fake.   It’s just that all the Promethean penii make Smaktakula a tad insecure, and he wants to assure you he is such a virile He-Man that the all the pipes on his vast estate flow not with water, but rather with hot and cold running chicks.

Promethean Times thanks you, the lonely Internet phallophiliac, for making us America’s fastest-growing CockBlog!

Facebook Probably Isn’t Looking For Us Either. But Screw Them. Do You Sheeple Always Do What You’re Told?

The Canonical Pauly Shore

23 Wednesday Jun 2010

Posted by in Uncategorized

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By Smaktakula

Paul Montgomery Shore, better known as Pauly, came along at a time when America needed him most.  In the early to mid 1990’s, this twitchy, bedraggled gypsy fit neatly into the pop culture void created by the absence  of the two Coreys, but which had yet to be filled by the testosterone-fueled fury of Vin Diesel.

Pauly Shore’s movies are beloved by millions of cinema devotees.  Not unlike tiresome anachronism Jerry Lewis, this madcap buffoon’s zany antics speak to the child inside all of us.

However, there is a long running debate among Pauly Shore scholars as to which of the comedian’s many cinematic appearances can be considered true “Pauly Shore” movies, as opposed to movies where the actor merely graces the screen with his presence.

To Our Younger Readers: For The Briefest of Moments In The 20th Century, This Was Considered Cool

Pauly Shore scholarship is still a relatively new discipline, not yet in its second full decade.  As such, academics have yet to reach a consensus as to which films are canon, and which are not.  Most experts agree on the following 5 criteria:

1) Pauly Shore must be the star of the film, and have most of the dialogue.

2) Top-billed co-stars, if any, may be neither a) better-known than Pauly Shore, or b) more talented.

3) Pauly Shore portrays a loveable misfit/fish-out-of-water, thrust in a situation completely alien to his funky-fresh Southern California lifestyle.

4) Pauly Shore must be initially reviled by the other principal characters, often including the love interest.  However, through the course of the film, they will come to see that while Pauly Shore’s character may be unconventional, everybody benefits by adopting his grating mannerisms and attitude.

5) Pauly Shore must learn something.

While deciding which films to include among the canon can be a difficult task, determining which films should not is ridiculously simple.   While Phantom of the Mall, Casper Meets Wendy and The Wash all feature irritating performances by Pauly Shore, none of those films meet the basic standards defined above.

Recently, an article in the PMS Scholar attempted the daunting task of determining a Pauly Shore canon.  The article, which posited six canonical films was well-received and widely read.

Heretical though our beliefs may be considered in some quarters, Promethean Times recognizes only four films as official canon.  They are:

Son-In-Law: The first of the “true” Pauly films.

In The Army Now: Actual actors Esai Morales and David Alan Grier are forced to give top billing to Shore, habitual sex-offender Andy “Hey Wanna Touch My” Dick and hideous tomboy Lori Petty.

Jury Duty: The nadir of the canon.  Pauly Shore’s deservedly forgotten film.

Bio-Dome: A triumphant return to form, featuring horse-like gay icon Kyle Minogue, a Baldwin (non-Alec), and a brief appearance by inexplicably beloved fake band Tenacious D.

Although the PMS Scholar considers the following two films to be canon, Promethean Times does not.

Encino Man: The film that introduced the world at large to Pauly Shore.  For that alone it deserves recognition.  However, it does not qualify for the canon.  Although Pauly Shore steals the movie with weaselly gusto, both Brendan Fraser and Samwise Gamgee have larger roles.

Pauly Shore Is Dead: The anti-Pauly Shore movie, directed by Shore himself.  Cannot be included in the canon due to the heightened degree of awareness Shore has by this time that for most humans, his personality is the equivalent to fingernails on a chalkboard.

I feel dirty.

Make Facebook Dirty, Too

All Men Are Created Equal (Not Really)

09 Wednesday Jun 2010

Posted by in Constitutional Issues, Crime, Culture, Justice, National Events, National Politics, People, Political Correctness, Race

≈ 5 Comments

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By Smaktakula

For those who don’t know, a hate crime is a crime that is committed against a black, disabled, jewish or gay person that isn’t committed by a black, disabled, jewish or gay person.

The distinction can be tricky.  Simply hating someone and then committing a crime against them is not sufficient to be considered a hate crime.  Likewise, because a crime is hateful, doesn’t automatically qualify it as a hate crime.  For example, stabbing an elderly woman 13 times in the face for her social security check is not, in and of itself, a hate crime.  Supposing however, that the old lady in question is a lesbian while her attacker is not, then it is indeed a hate crime.

Hate crimes are considered more heinous than other crimes.  As such, they carry stiffer sentences than their non-hate brethren, in much the way that stealing $1,000,000 is considered worse than stealing $49.50.  Given that the first sum is worth more, most people would agree that the theft of same should carry with it a more rigorous penalty.

Logically then, the types of people who are potential victims of hate crimes are of greater value to society than those who aren’t.  Were this not the case, all crimes of a similar nature (i.e., assault, rape, murder, being salty) would be punished equally under the law.

Since all crimes of a similar nature do not meet this criterion, it follows that the least worthy element in our society is the straight, white, ambulatory male.

When Viewed In This Light, It Does Make A Certain Sense.